"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

It is anger that I am trying to find Frazzled and SoLonely. at the moment all my feelings are still self destructive. I know it will be good for me if I can take less responsibility for the twists and turns that I have experienced.

so lonley some of my former friend rejected me, when ex left and I was going through court, they thought they were there for me, I thought they were not there for me, I was there for them at bad times in their lives, we have different idea's I suppose as to what being there is all about, I wanted more so they rejected me,the more i wanted was still a lot less than lots of other people discuss they get from friends, I got a bunch of flowers and two meet ups and two short phone calls, a couple of short emails from one friend I had supported through her affair and marriage breakup years before, I got my best friend who lived near me I had supported through a horrific time with her ex husband for years distance, she didn't want to see me alone, she kept inviting others along and not wanting to talk about anything but happy things... you see I was not worth having friends, I am over that I realised I was just used by people that is ok now the freinds thing it was the stuff the ex did in the courts with the children and that woman taking her family issues out on us that enraged me it went on for so very long....and I rejected some of my freinds last year. That is how you end up with no one, give far too much, make friends with selfish people and when you are in crisis you are alone or with people who use you for their own ends, the other friends elevated themselves at my epense and shared sensitive information when i asked them not to! and another set me up twice with someone else, the first time I was not sure, the second I thought sod you, and she would not speak to me so I left a message on her answer phone that I was disappointed with her as I had spoken to her about the thing with the other person and she had not told me, I specifically asked her about the thing and she the went to the other person to get me into trouble and protect herself, that same person she had hated and kept going on about how much she disliked them, yet she gave them rope to hang me with... I never spoke to her again and she never spoke to me again!

I would like to add that the thing with the other person was really a nothing incident, it was a group we belonged to and the woman who ran it had issues and she was very controlling, myself and another were running part of it and she was not liking not being in control, so she was nit picking and wanting to get control of it, the so called friend said to me when I asked her how things went she said good, i spoke to her a few days later and nothing, then the woman from the group rang me and told me all these people said something was not right, fair enough i was not that bothered, then she told me comments from so called friend I was so enraged and felt betrayed by so called friend, when I asked her why she would not tell me she put down the phone, all the friendship she had been the one in the driving seat, the one who would only meet on certain days that type of thing, I had to bend to her will, and I felt a fool again...

How can I build a relationship with someone again and trust them, everyone I mean everyone I have been close to has rejected, used or abused me... in counselling she told me to practice, I have tentatively and I see scary traits in people that I know will not work out... anyways there will also be little chance of seeing some of them long term or again due to circumstances....

MH I'm really sorry to hear how badly and disrespectfully you have been treated by people who were supposed to be your friends. I can fully understand you feeling unable to trust people again. Like you have mentioned, my circle of friends has narrowed a lot over the years. Perhaps I avoid disappointment because I can see the limitations of some of my friends. I don't think any of my friends, whether long standing or recent are the sort I could call up if I was in trouble and know for sure they would help me. Eg. with all my problems with DH recently I sometimes wonder who I could call who would put me and the DC's up for a couple of nights if I needed to leave in a hurry. I feel fairly sure that even my two closest friends would hesitate and perhaps even say no if I asked them to do such a thing for me.

Of my more recent friends/aquaintances I think there are perhaps one or two who might help me out in such a situation, but I don't know this with 100% certainty.

So I suppose what I'm trying to say in a roundabout way is that although I have some people who i consider good friends, the friendship only extends so far and i know the limits and don't try and push them and end up being disappointed and hurt and upset etc. It's sad because I know in the reverse situation I would not hesitate to help a friend in this way, but then, as we seem to agree on this thread, perhaps because of what we have all been through, we all seem to have a heightened sense of empathy and compassion compared to the average person.

I feel I have opened the floodgates wrt DH and our problems. I have kept quiet for so long, pretended things were ok when in fact they have been awful.

I think I kept quiet because I was ashamed. That it was somehow all my fault, because I am so damaged. At least that's what he's always told me and I believed him. I still do a little bit.

But he has been violent towards me on a number of occasions. Physically threatening and aggressive. Pressurised me into having sex. He has done nothing but criticise and judge me the whole time we have been married, nothing I do is good enough. He's told me I've been a sh*t wife all these years and that's he's only sticking around in the hope I will sort out my issues and I can become the sort of wife he wants. He says I have to earn his respect by being a good wife, that currently he has little respect for me. He doesn't like me and questions the fact that I say I like myself.

But he also can be a good husband, he will let me sleep in as much as I need at the weekend, he does try and think about things I would like to do eg when chosing a film to watch, he helps out with the DC's and housework although he has criticised me lots over this as well (housework not the DC's).

It's all very confusing. I don't think he is toxic meaning the best thing to do would be to walk away. But I definately need to put up and strictly enforce firm boundaries in our relationship which is very hard when before we had no boundaries at all, and I have no idea how to establish and enforce boundaries generally.

It feels very good to tell the truth about DH. If you met him, you would think he is the most amenable, pleasant and easy going guy ever. And that's what I fell for when I met and married him. But beneath the exterior, he is as hard as nails. I always thought I would marry a man who looked 'hard' on the outside but inside was a 'softie'. How did I manage to get it so wrong?

So lonely, your life now sounds like mine before my ex husband left, including your marriage!

Grace and Nemo, I hope that you are ok, hugs to you and anyone else who needs them right now x

SoLonely, someone put up a great link that you may find useful on the thread, about them thinking they are an abuser ... you may find it usefull to decide if things are working in your marriage or not, that smart abuser was my ex husband, he did not do everything in the article, the main jist of it and a lot of the things he did... what a fool... thank goodness that is over now... and it makes me think he will be doing the same to his new wife, probably a lot more skilled now though! He used to have loads of books to make him a better manager, one's on bodylanguage, he used to tell me how you can manipulate people with certain things and where to sit etc... he tried to do an additional degree in psychology once, but did not follow it through as he missed the ou dates to do the work and it was one thing he could not delegate to me lol x

MH, I wouldn't be surprised if H becomes ex H at some point.

I have had contact from my mother. It is a huge shock and of course my knee jerk reaction was to respond straight away but then I realised that was little smithfield. Any scraps. She emailed on face book just about expecting parcels for the kids for christmas, that facebook is the only way she knew to get hold off me (which is rubbish because I never changed my home number, although I did put a block on withheld numbers). I haven't moved either.
She said at the end that me and the kids looked well and that she misses us everyday (the scrap of love that got me).
I never confronted my mum when I went NC. I had spent years trying so hard to get her to see me, to acknowledge my pain about my childhood. By the time I went NC I had decided to give up and I also just needed respite especially when heavily pg with dd which was when I went nc. I couldnt let her do to me again what she did when Ds was small.
I burst in to tears on recieving it her email. Why do I still want and need her love so badly? Am I writing this in hope you will all say go talk with her smithfield?
My father is trying to arrange another visit, with his new girlfriend who by the way looks like my mum and has the same name (first and middle) . I said yes as my fallback role is always to keep them happy take care of their needs above my own. Yet I have text today (after recieving email from mum) to ask if he has booked anything yet because I cant get a sitter (a lie). I dont want him to come. I need to put it off until the new year at least.
There are a lot of things surfacing wrt my dad and I feel anger towards him for the first time. Anger I need to start to confront. I have kept him on a pedestal and I know my mum was right many years ago when he was smashing his fist through a door we were hiding on the other side of. She said 'you blame me for this don't you!?' She was right. Doesnt change the fact she also abused me with her rage and her nastiness though does it.
Perhaps I still cannot bare to have both parents as toxic,if I try and make one worse than the other. If I can find a way of letting one of the hook?
Sorry need some help with this am really struggling.

Sorry just read that back and it is a rambling rant.

trsf, I so get the rants, had some myself recently... I am feeling better now... I think you are very right to wait until you feel you can face your father in the new year, and I think you do have a lot of anger that you need to deal with about him from your post...

With regards to your Mum I really don't know what to say to make that situation better for you, even people who dysfunction, also function and make sense at times, that is part of the problem with them they make perfect sense some times and you doubt yourself, well that is the case for me anyways and she is probably right that you pinned parental blame on her and avoided blame on your father!

What help would you like?

TRS Keep your self emotionally safe. Imagine that you are really physically protecting little you. How old are you? What would you do if a child of that age was in danger, pysically or emotionally, if a child that age was being bullied? What would you do? How would you protect that child.

Look after yourself, yourself, yourself. This is about YOU not them.

It must have come as a terrible shock. I remember how I felt when my "mother" turned up on my doorstep after five years NC. I remember wanting so much for it to be ok. It wasn't, it was worse than ever.

Hugs to you TRS, Keep posting.

I haven't got much to add to thisishowifeel, as I haven't gone nc with my mother. However, I know that the need for love is always there. If you are wondering to yourself, "I wonder if my mum could have changed, perhaps she is wanting the best for me now and things could be better" then stop. Toxic parents never change. She will have contacted you for herself.

Take time to assess what you want to do. You have all the time you need, don't rush for the sake of your mother, let her wait while you decide what contact you want, and it may be that you decide to continue nc.

My mother recently became caring and loving, and buying me gifts etc. She wanted me to visit for tea etc. I bought into it. I really believed she was wanting to love me and to change our relationship for the better. WRONG! She hurt me again. So please be careful.

The damage my "mother" did in the two years she was back in my life, not only to me, but to my dc's and h is indescribably horrific. Looking back, I think there was a large element of vengeance and a wanting me to pay for going NC is the first place. How very dare I not bow down to her will and whim?

They are black and white, paranoid people, there is always an enemy. Be VERY sure that her "enemy" is not you.

I think this is the problem that I still hope they/things will be different. I know rationally they wont. On getting that email I had a visualtion of me and mum sitting down and talking and I mean really talking. What will have changed in the realm of things? How likey is that conversation. Nothing.
And yes it does have to be about protecting me. The first time I ever posted on this thread was a revelation because the women posting on here gave me permission for it to be about me. Something I was never allowed growing up.
Thank god I recognised all of this on some tiny level before shooting back an email saying 'i miss you too'. What I would have done in the past. Back into the sharks net.
So this is similar to my dad though isnt it? This time last year a phonecall out of the blue. He is in ....(where I live) and wants to meet up, give the kids their presents.
I bought into it. I am seeing him in a different light though now.
The constant put downs. Which by the way I still question my own hyper sensitivity over.
Who was it posted on here that their father hated his sister and as a result hates women. Wow I thought, that is it...my father.
He would love to keep his foot on my head, hold me under because he is so threatened by women.

You see thisis there is a side to my mother that I recognise in your last post only too well. I do think she would find it impossible not to want to punish me.

tihif, that is sad...

I don't even try with any family member except the mother, I felt she was the key to getting her into therapy and the functioning of everyone would improve, I asked her to go and get therapy as a gift to me and her grandchildren, it was the thing i wanted more than anything else, she won't I know that she has promised me many times before, she does not want to accept there is anything wrong with her to another person, she knows she has issues, she does not want to admit it and deal with it as she is too old apparently, it is thanks to a heading post once on statley homes where someone posted they will try and make you feel for them as they are old, and when she does that I say what about that little helpless, innocent girl I was that could not escape your rubbish...

I think you are probably right that your mother saw nc as punishment and wanted to stop feeling the victim and to punish you back... how long has it been since you went nc again?

my father pulled a disgusted face when I said me and dh were thinking of a third child. He said 'oh no not again'.
When I was pg with dd I rang to tell him he said 'Oh no!'. When dh rang and asked him about marrying me my dad said 'Are you sure? Do you know what you are getting into?'.
Back to the poin t though, then yesterday he announced that db (golden db) is expecting third. So am I being oversensitive?

Hi TRS,

Attila here.

No you're not being at all over sensitive (god how I hate that term). You have every right to be furious at all your family; both your parents let you down and continue to let you down abjectly. I think people still seek approval subconciously from their parents no matter how crap or toxic they are (I know I do but am learning otherwise now).

I only wish you could see and truly belive you are good enough, infact you are more than bloody good enough actually.

yours with the dysfunctional ILs.

A

It is difficult to know whether we are being over sensitive or not, I think I am over sensitive to most things. I find critisicm impossible to deal with, and most of the time, my dh tells me, he wasn't even critisicing me in the first place.

But when it comes to parents, I don't think we could possibly be accused of being over sensitive. Toxic parents just don't play by the same rules, we have to be on our guard all of the time. I just wish I was a bit more self assured around others, who don't have an agenda.

You're not being oversensitive, trs. The facts are that your father criticised your pregnancies, but celebrated your brother's. That's not a matter of interpretation, it's fact.

One thing you may not have considered: do you know whether he did the same, in reverse, to your brother? I was startled to learn my mum has labelled Golden Sis an alcoholic, just as she has me - neither of us knew the other was getting the same treatment!

attila Thank you that made me cry. It felt very poignant to read your message, when You were the first person to give me permission to feel these things and say it was ok.
Sorry you got unlucky twice (parents then Il's). You are inspirational, wish your parents could have seen that too

grace I know without hesitation my father will be doing the same to db. He plays us off against each other. Always has.
I remember once my dad laughing at me and saying 'you will never be as clever as your db'. When I was very little and db was a baby he would look me in the eye as he picked db up and he'd be saying 'my boy..where's my boy'. I was six and he was tormenting me, looking straight at my sad little face.
The shame of it is that there is now a wedge between me and middle db that cant be shifted. I dont want to compete, he does.
I am old enough to remember how my dad used to grab middle db and and roughly pull him around by his arms. . He also punched younger db .
Yet both boys hate each other and compete, and adore my dad. Sorry gone on a bit there but I am honestly opening my eyes for the first time wrt dad.

midnight Thankyou for all you kind supportive words. It helps to hear any validation. I cant believe after all it is still rearing it's ugly head.
Do you think counselling have given you more strenght to see through it all?

By the way-no response from my dad which very deep down I kind of knew and was probably avoiding-proof he hasnt changed.
My gut is he is angry so witholding contact. I asked for him to let me know if he had booked his flights /hotel. I guess I might be wrong, will have to see.