"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

by the way it would not even occur to me to ask them to help with weddding day, we paid for it all, parents bought the dress, mother could not even be bothered to help me look for dress or anything, i was not worth her taking time off her precious job and away from relaxing and spending time with people she wnated to spend time with.... I was worthless, but on the day she paraded around, she was to look after dd1 who was a baby, she didn't unless at the table, showing dd off, the rest of the time she was drunk and ignoing dd, I rmember a freind told me she had dd (i was haivng photos) told freinds mother was having dd, she said mother had left dd cold and alone sleeping and dd was crying and cold and with her.....

actually she insisted I help her choose her outfit for mine and bro's weddings, I was so worhtless and thought so low of myself i was thee for her beck and call yet she did nothing for me...

It is good you recognise these things and see your mother for who she really is. Keep going. Once you have this clearly in your mind, and with therapy, she will never be able to control and hurt you again. You will be free.

I recognise being put in the roll of 'slave' to everyone else Mh. I also recognise my wedding being all about them instead of me and only wanting your DC's when it is time to 'show off'.

My DC's are teens now...the latest idea to indoctrinate my DC's into their 'fold' involve them (M & F) having more bedroom space than us...so if our house gets too small my DC's can go and live with them! I THINK NOT!

Anyways I just wanted to let you know...the things they did, the way they treat you IS/WAS wrong, whatever they may say.

gosh that rant really did release some tension in me, I am feeling so much better now, like I released that toxic waste and feel free...... I felt trapped and down, having that rant and a shower helped me to wash that rubbish away and now i feel I can do some stuff for me, live my life and do stuff, rather than being trapped and stuck physically and mentally by the pain and injustice!!!

thanks for the help everyone, I am sorry if I have triggered you... Briar i am sorry that you had a similar experience with your children and wedding day also... I think that is the bit that makes me so angry that they are still doing it.... right going to get on with some things for me and my children!

It's Ok Mummiehunnie...you didn't trigger me. I just thought you needed to know you are not alone.

As for my bunch when they 'mention' stuff now, I just file it away with all the other guff, so I know how to avoid falling into the traps.

Whatever you do Mummiehunnie...don't do any outside jobs...I've just got me washing in and it's freezzzzzzzing out there. Brrrrrrrr!

The sun looks nice though!!! I think you are brave putting washing out this time of year, I hope that it was dry!

It managed...damp!

..better than wet though!

easier to iron if you need to if damp, and no washing hanging around the house drying!!!

Ah ha...you hate the clothes drying around the house too...'orrible isn't it...never ever looks like I've tidied and I do tidy...honest!

MH just wanted to let you know, I know how you feel. About just wanting to feel loved and cared for. LIke you, I sometimes feel the only people who love me are the DC's. And they are so young, their love seems to be instinctive, automatic. If they still like and love me when they are adults then it will feel more real iykwim?

Even (D)H seems to dislike me, let alone love me. I think it is bad for me to be around him, and his obvious disrespect and lack of understanding about me. The discussion upthread about how we (survivors) may not attract toxic people to us any more than others, but that we are unable to enforce boundaries like 'healthy' people had me thinking about me and DH. In my heart I know he is not truely toxic. But I completely failed to establish and enforce healthy boundaries in our relationship from early on, which meant I tolerated a lot of unacceptable behaviour from him that a healthy person with healthy self esteem would not have.

Now that I am trying to establish boundaries in our relationship, DH says I have become 'harder'. I know what he means. I used to be a pushoever/doormat/soft, meaning he could get away with all sorts of things with me and I wouldn't utter a word of protest. Now that I am finally looking after myself, not allowing him to treat me badly and walk all over me, he thinks I have become harder or more disagreeable as Grace said her family are now saying about her.

The problem is that during the years when there were no boundaries in our relationship, a lot of damage was done and I now find the anger rising inside me, anger I should have felt then but was too weak and afraid and confused to express. I honestly do not know if our relationship has been damaged beyond repair, just like my relationship with my dad was irretrievably damaged when he started abusing me. But I am so much stronger now. I am prepared to walk away if DH is unable or unwilling to respect my boundaries. I would rather be a single parent than be treated badly again by anybody.

bless you so lonely... I have been accused by mother as becoming so hard also lol xxx

I know some of the anger of being treated badly is at myself for allowing it, although I am getting better about that now!

have you and your hubby gone for therapy? sorry if you have posted that already...

MH yes, some of my anger is also at myself for allowing it (not just wrt DH, but many other people, siblings, MIL etc). When you say you are getting better about that now, can you tell me what you mean? Do you feel less angry with yourself or are you better at putting up your boundaries?

I am literally clueless about putting up boundaries in mostly good relationships where the other person oversteps the mark. I just do not know whether to say something and if so, how, what and when! I have got a book that I hope will help, have only read a few pages so far though.

Yes, DH and I are going to go for couples counselling fairly soon. Have no idea if it will help though.

Wrt feeling loved. I met a friend at the weekend. She said some lovely things about me. In fact she is always singing my praises but somehow it always goes over my head. But this time, I really seemed to listen and believe her and know I deserved the nice things she was saying about me. Perhaps you too have people around you who think highly of you but you somehow manage to ignore them (like me) and only hear the negative things other people say?

both better with boundaries and better at forgiving myself for being weak in the past and allowing people to hurt me back then! even forgiving them, still have a bit to go though, I was raging with anger once with ex actually that was raging over that abuse, the parents abuse was not as bad, normal anger with them really

no I have no friends anymore, I could not cope with anyone abuse and adjusting the boundaries when people from the past were around me hurting me, I had to limit myself to a small life for a bit, I have a few aquantances, they don't know all that has gone on, it is mainly for a short fun time gettogether!

boundaries work was from the wa counsellor a year and a half ago regarding the ex, that then went throughout evey relationship I have including the children, I am more confident in myself regarding what is right and wrong, I was not always sure, still I doubt myself at times... one to one counselling would be good alongside the couple counselling x

MH i dont really have any fantastic magic words that will give you a new perspective on life....only i hope you remember this , here on MN you have a few friends, and if you ever need a ear to listen or a virtual shoulder to cry on then we are here.

((hugs))

Solonely ... good news about you and dh going for couples councelling...

And im so glad you finally listening to the nice things your friend says about you.
Its great when someone tell you your wonderful, so enjoy it !

MH yes, forgiving yourself for the past is good. I was also weak. I am often kicking myself for what I have allowed people to get away with. I should forgive myself too. Don't think I am there yet.

I can relate to your raging at your ex(H). I am raging at my current H! He definately overstepped the mark many times, but then I allowed it, not just once, but again and again. The first time was his fault, the subsequent times, my fault. He really does not like it now when I don't allow him to walk all over me, when I say no to him. He is so used to me being too weak and scared and needy to say no and perhaps risk losing him. Now I can and do say no, he says I have got harder (meant as an insult) and when I say I like myself these days (has taken me a long time and a lot of hard work to reach the point where I actually like myself and believe I deserve to be treated well), he sneeringly asks how I can possibly like myself, that I am so damaged and have such a long way to go to be a 'whole/normal' person. This from my husband, who in the next breath says he loves me. .

Droves thanks for the positive words re couples counselling. Like I said, I am not sure how much it will help. I am finding that I just don't like DH much these days. I think deep down he is very insecure (not surprising given his mother) but I think he would rather die than admit it. So he will never reflect upon himself in relation to our problems, it's all too easy to blame it all on me, after all nobody could argue about the fact I am from an abusive dysfunctional family and am damaged as a result.

Hello guys
can I pop in and say where I am at the moment.
Have had a hard time over the last couple of years and am now in therapy helping me untangle it all.
I am in the middle of trying to understand and be kind to mum, she gave me 100% of the love she had available. She is, as we all are, the product of her own experiences.
100% of her love was not enough, if fell short by miles, and juggling the it was shit with knowing someone was trying their best is hard.

I have been able to change my relationship with my mum and be an adult rather than the frightened rabit of a daughter, however, it doesn't mean that I am immune to her spikes of spitefulness.

MH, just lost a post to you. It's good your counselling covered boundaries and yes, it would go through every single one of your relationships. Can you say how the work on boundaries affected/changed your relationship with your children?

MH (doing short posts as long ones seem to disappear!) I can understand how you are avoiding friendships and maintaining aquaintances. I have some long standing friends who know my story. One has some understanding (the one who said nice things about me ), the other had no understanding years ago but seems to be slowly finding some understanding as time goes by.

Re more recent aquaintances, I used to be very wary about who I opened up to and to whom I mentioned I was nc with my parents. But as I've got stronger I am more open about my situation. And as people get to know me, most are pretty accepting and non-judgmental about my decision.

The loneliness in my MN name really comes from how i feel within my marriage. (I was thinking I really should use that song title as my MN name 'EverSoLonelyWithYou' - do you remember it?!) I feel quite lucky with my friends, they are lovely.

Greyskull, hi, I think I remember you from a while back. It's good that you can feel empathy for your mother and realise that inside her is also a hurt and damaged child. Are you also able to empathise with your inner child, who ultimately did not receive all the love she needed from her mother?

Re your mother's spitefulness. I don't think becoming immune is the answer. IMHO, I think once again, boundaries are the answer. Establishing and stricly enforcing boundaries that clearly tell her that being spiteful to is not acceptable. She will have to take her spite out on somebody else if necessary, but not on you.

Does anyone else find that they just feel so angry inside about things? My counselling and CBT is going well and my counsellor says it's completely normal to feel like this, but I just feel so angry with my mum and can't bear to be near her at the moment. I just look at my gorgeous children and think how the hell could she have emotionally neglected me and called me horrible and evil all the time.

All my mum does in my presence is huff and puff and moan and be a matryr and that's all she's ever been like really. I feel angry that I've spent the best part of 35 years thinking I'm rubbish and horrible and not a normal person when really it was/is her with those problems and I'm actually okay. I was saying to my DH today that I'm even self-conscious of how I laugh as my mum told me I had a fake laugh and always asked why was I laughing and said that I was a miserable nasty person so surely I was laughing nastily.

Frazzled, yes I feel very angry inside too. A lot of the time. I naively thought I had dealt with all my anger while ago, but I still have lots inside me.

It's great that you have realised that actually you are okay, and that it's your mum who has the problems with thinking that she is rubbish and horrible, but is projecting her feelings about herself onto you, and you, until now, have internalised them. Well done for realising this, and for rejecting your mum's projections, it's a big step forward.

My h was always a little controlling, ever since the beginning, but compared to h1 he was wonderful.

We hit crisis when I allowed my family back in our lives. They were around for about two years before all the full horror of my mother and her vortex of insanity became truly obvious for the first time.

All the things that I thought had happened, actually had happened.

I know my h1 well enough to know that he is/was FAR too lazy and obsessed with his arse and penis to carry on taking me to court, over and over and over again. He had been completely seduced by my "mother"

After all, he had form, with his first son, first marriage, who he abandoned completely. I eventually had some interesting and illuminating conversations with his first wife.

h1 and "mother" slept together while I was still married to him, which for some reason, at the time, was neither surprising nor particularly shocking, despite the Jeremy Kyle ness of it all.

This was eight years ago.

My little sister was doing coke regularly, nearly blew her blossoming legal career, and to this day walks a fine line....no pun intended. She was clearly "off her head" most of the time. One of her first conversations with h, was to try and get him to rake drugs, uppers to control his weight, which he continues to struggle with in really unhealthy ways.

In the end, I was summoned to a Kangaroo court, at "mother's" bidding. (Another cluster b PD trait...the kangaroo court, to prove that the scapegoat really is responsible, in front of the rest of the family, and specially invited guests).

The kids, my ds was 6, and my neice was 10. It was February and getting dark, they had been banished outside to "play", they were hungry. I said the evil words.....this family is utterly dysfunctional, and someone needs to feed the kids and left...and then I had nothing to do with any of them for about five years. My only regret is abandoning my neice. God bless her. But I had no choice.

A week or so before this, h bought me an engagement ring. "mother" said, "that's what I would have had if I'd ever had an engagement ring"

The next five years consisted of custody application after custody application, character assasination, court appearances every so many months. It cost me £20 000 and my health, and almost my life.

Three years ago on the 23rd of December "she" turned up on the doorstep. She had never met dd. Pretended she didn't know h's name, and lied, barefaced and through her shitty false teeth, that she was not in any contact whatsoever with h1. They are all friends on facebook for fucks sake!!!!

And the funny thing is, that ALL the stuff that popped up in the custody applications....which of course they never won...Der!......started to pop up in conversations with h, in emails etc.

When I very first posted on here about my failing marriage, some one replied...."yes they are all nutters and have doen a job on your h" Or words to that effect. I must look that poster up, because she was bang on. If ever anyone caught a dose of the fleas......

It's funny though. I remember walking down the beach and "mother" and h were walking and talking behind me....and I KNEW WHAT WAS HAPPENING!!!!!!. But because it was just instinct I couldn't do or say anything. One of their accusations is that I have a persecution complex. I don't...they really persecuted me!

I found out that my "mother" was goading h into divorcing me as quickly as possible, and getting some hi-falluting lawyer to fight me, as I am so dangerous. And that h1 was involved in this too. WTF?

H has been in therapy for nearly 9 months. I do boundaries...they may be clumsy, but they are definitely there. H is really putting the work in. I am aware that this is the exception to the rule. I never thought that h had a pd. He was finally honest about his own family and childhood, and it's really shitty.

I am aware that there are people on here that don't believe that there is hope for a marriage like mine, but, I don't believe that anyone has put much more effort into this marriage. We still have some way to go. ut we are getting there, He may get a "D" before his "h" quite soon :)

There's loads more, but that really is more than enough. Thank you if you read it.

Thanks SoLonely, I'm glad it's not just me that feels a sense of anger. I really feel able to move forward now I'm starting to realise it was my mum's problem and not mine.