"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

I'm having a bit of trouble getting my head around my feelings wrt Golden Sis. I thought it might help me to write a post - ? I've just done her a huge favour - she asked for an inch, I gave a mile - so that's probably why it's on my mind.

In childhood, I was protective of her. My protection was inadequate, though she did have a better childhood than mine. My father molested her sexually, but she's got no memory of it now. She married an angry man, who belittled and thumped their children frequently. I gave her an open offer of accommodation, should she ever leave him (I like him, but he's damaged the kids for life). I find it hard to reconcile my love for my sister with the fact that she's made the same, contemptible, choice as our mother: making her children live with a man who abused them. Yet again, I understand the reasons but they are not excuses.

I think, perhaps, I'm feeling the pain of letting go ... of some kind of hope, perhaps that she & I will ever be on the same page. I think that's why I did her so much more of a favour than she asked for: a sort of recompense? She'll see it as manipulative, I think, and perhaps it was, subconsciously.

I'm going to have to put this issue aside for now; my head's in a mess! Posting it anyway.

Ouch, trs, you're going through your 'emotional divorce' from your dad right now? You have my sympathy - and encouragement.

So do you regret the offer now grace. I'm asking because I think you may do with good reason.
You have moved on such a great deal mentally that maybe it was a jolt for you to resurrect a role you are currently letting go of?
Dont know if that makes sense to you.

Yes, yes it does, smithfield! I must have been hoping for a flood of approval/gratitude/appreciation - which wasn't forthcoming; she thanked me correctly. If I was playing a game, even subconsciously, she's not being drawn in - rightly so. I'm startled that I did it. Thank you for pointing this out! It seems my boundaries are in need of attention ... and I need to update my feelings about her.

bless you Grace x

I still struggle with the stopping games thing, it is almost embarising when I catch myself out afterwards now a days, I want to cringe, then I think hang on you are learning and adjusting give yourself a break! What are you updated feelings regarding your sister now that she did not hook into your game and was quite respectful of boundaries?

grace I see this as hugely positive actually. Your instincts kicked in, and you heard them

Hmm, good question. I don't know yet. Let's see.
I played "Look how much I've done for you" and she stepped off the pitch. Lesson for me: I still play this game (all the time, now I come to think of it - eek ) I need to stop that.
She played "I have such a hard time ~ Nobody understands me" and I fell for it. Lesson for me: I am a knee-jerk sacrificer, and it's time I gave it up.

Sister is the one person on this earth I have so much in common with - people can tell we're sisters, even though we don't look alike. She's also a mother who puts her own needs before her children's, despite those needs being warped and unhelpful. In rejecting the practical help I offered, she rejected my values in favour of hers - which is her right.

So she is a woman whose values differ fundamentally from mine. I need to shift my thinking away from "how can I fix this?" because I can't fix it. We still have so much in common but, as the adults we are, we wouldn't be close friends if we'd just met. I feel this way about all my sibs now, but am having even more trouble than I expected with adjusting the emotional ties, iyswim.

I hadn't realised I was still playing doormat (with hopes of emotional reward) quite so much .... This has been very, very useful, thanks. x

Did they kick in, trs?

No your not playing doormat grace Dont be mean to little grace now 'ya hear me!' . But yes I was going to say stepping back into old role (fixer/rescuer) Hey it takes one to know one (waves to fellow fixer). The fact is it didnmt fit right did it, and you knew it. Doesnt matter if it was after the fact. You knew the jacket doesnt fit you anymore. That to me is progress in a good way?

didn't fit properly anymore .

I guess it was similar with dad. me: 'yeh come up with gf' (go on piss all over my boundaries- but love me love me) but this time it felt all wrong.
So I took said jacket back off.

RE : THE SIBLINGS .

I think its a toxic trait for the parents to encourage hatred , envy, competing and bulling between their children.(even in adulthood). (Divide and conquer tactics).

Normal loving parents are distraught if the siblings dont get on , and do their best to encourage positive relationships in their kids.

And something else I recognise from your post grace is that you have a sneaking suspicion your sis isn't who you thought she was. That she isn't like you. Well I did this a lot too with my sis (a golden too), and with middle db. I think I wanted to align myself with them to gain approval.
Again not sure if that will resonate with you, just thinking out loud really.

droves Yes you are spot on with this. I would be mortified if ds and dd didnt get on.
My dad also plays my sis off against me. She still drives around in a very nice car (upgraded every 3 years) by him, he pays her mobile and gives work to her partner (she is 32). I used to feel jealous but I realise it's a guilded cage and she is welcome to it.

plus I now get a kick of standing on my own two feet.

smithfield id rather have freedom any day over a gilded cage.

trsf, I so understand that x

interesting Grace x

Droves good points x

YYY again, smithfield! you have a sneaking suspicion your sis isn't who you thought she was. That she isn't like you. I see what you mean! As you said, I'm trying to take the jacket off and I feel bloody cold without it This is turning out to be a very big day for the inside of my head ... think I'll take a long shower to calm down (in a good way).

Grrr, I just realised I am still really angry in certain situations... I am raging at a dammed scapegoater, who is probably a twisted stepmother who thinks she is dammed perfect and a victim and by the sounds of it on the thread she is a dammed trouble maker who is attracted to drama and damaging children... grrrr.... I can't stand bloody attacking kids instead of looking at themselves and their dammed husbands.....grrrr....

I took a look at that thread and hid it, mh Some people just can't be helped can they ...

I didn't look after some people started putting words into my mouth... I actually just had another quick peek and one of the people who earlier played the game of lets blame the ex wife and horrible step children for your problems, has now pulled her up on her dysfuctional attitue... there was someone else on there nanomum who pulled her up as well... I should have heald my anger at her... I have been on the receiving end of a deluded woman like that as have my children, that one was making up children stole when it does not look like that making up the mother was abusive when in reality she was not, making up that her husband was ok, when in reality he was abusing the children and they were just defending themselves... the dammed woman probably always had issues and may have pnd and is causing trouble and thinks that moving away and cutting out the stepchildren will answer her unglyness inside... as a mother who's children have been victims to a sodding *** like that i am raging.....

May I come in? I've been lurking for ages and occasionally posting stuff that gets people directing me here. So this is basically a continuation of my problems with my parents, which are on the lightly emotionally abusive side rather than anything else.

I've been gradually cutting down contact with my parents for a while, after realizing that my mum is incredibly manipulative and won't change, and both my parents basically just upset me.

Anyway, today I heard that one of the reasons why I've had problems in the past might be brain damage - I've been concussed several times. I have developmental dyslexia and sight problems and the idea is that being knocked out a fair few times might have been a problem too. Now, I was fairly worried about the way I've seemed to be losing my memory since I was 16 or so, so I am incredibly glad to find it might have a concrete reason rather than just me being thick or getting worse as I got older.

Like a fool, when my mum rang today I told her about it. She and my dad both got on the phone yelling at me about how it clearly wasn't a problem, it was just normal aging, etc etc. They kept going on about how I've got better at some things and whereas I was no good at analytical thought when I was 18, I'm ok now. And that when I did my A-Levels I got through them my memorizing everything but never understood any of it. And they say they're proud of me that now at 26 I've learned to actually think about things instead of just trotting out facts.

It sounds stupid but I am really upset and frustrated. I got 5 As at A level. I don't think I did it by memorizing and not thinking. I know from MN that I am supposed to be pleased if they are proud of me but to be honest I'm really not.

Sorry, I know this sounds very trivial and it is, but it is getting to me at the moment and it's the latest thing ...

It doesn't sound at all trivial, LRD - welcome.
If you could get 5 As purely on memory, that would be an amazing feat in itself! It sounds as though you're blessed with an excellent memory, so your parents tried to minimise that by saying you couldn't "think" - and yet you say you've been having memory problems since you were 16? Then perhaps you are both less afflicted, memory-wise, than you might think and more capable of comprehension than your parents thnk.
(Sorry, that's a convoluted sentence - I took a sleeping pill but it's not working.)

I know the relief of getting a diagnosis that explains something about yourself! It must have been quite a relief. I'm sorry to hear you suffered so many bangs to the head - can I ask how that happened? Is it possible your parents feel somehow responsible for it? If so, that could explain why they can't bear to think you may be suffering any sort of brain damage ... though their thinking around it seems even more convoluted than mine

Better go back to bed, I think! I hope to read you more later :)

Hello all and welcome LoudRowdyDuck.

Just checking in.

I kind of enjoyed my spa day. Oh all right I didn't enjoy my spa day! I was okay in steam room and pool and during lunch but when it was almost time to ahv emy facial I realised I couldn't - I couldn't have someone touching me, I cound't be vulnerable like that with a stranger. Only people who can touch me are dh and dd. I also forgot my medication that morning, which won't have helped - I left in tears and went home.

They have very nicely said they will refund me.

I am more ill than I thought I was, but that's not difficult because I so want to be okay. But I'm not and I don't like admitting that.

Have had to face reality since then and have cancelled my college courses, I can start next september instead. I also had some reiki teaching booked in from a while ago (pre-breakdown!) and I have cancelled that as well.

My job from now on is getting better.

Have slept 3 hours tonight, very restless, had bad dreams - you know the kind. Do you ahve them too Grace or do you work the night shift?!

I am going to get some sominex tomorrow, see how it goes for a week. Then stop. Dh in charge of the sominex so I am not tempted to, ahem, get twatted take over the reccommended dose. I don't want to be tranquilised anymore, I still want to be thinking about things, processing things.

Morning all.

therealsmithfield, you asked me last night if counselling has helped me to see through my parents. Yes. Definately. My counsellor has been working towards helping me to see the real situation, rather than the manipulative games my parents (especially my mother) play. But the main reason for seeing things in their true light, only came to me very recently (everything seems to have "come together" over the last few weeks). I saw my mother in action regarding her granddaughter. My mother's attitude and anger was incredible to see. I could see it because her anger was not directed at me, so I was watching her at work. It was crushing and so upsetting to realise that she must have been like this with me all of my childhood years.

Now that I can see mother in her true light, it will take a while to come to terms with it all. You know, knowing that mother will never be the mum I want and crave. I feel ok on the surface, but underneath there is a growing tide of emotion, I could cry so easily. Anxiety, and grief to be honest. It's all there, but I am pushing it all down. I think I want a break from counselling to help rebuild my marriage a bit. I don't want any more emotion spilling out all over the place. Only last week it got so bad that I was on the bathroom floor wanting to be dead. It only lasted a few hours, but I don't want to be like that again.

I have got a question. My ds school is having a fun day one Saturday morning. I have invited the in laws, they love my children. Do I invite my parents too? I feel that I should as they have never seen my ds school - it is a special school, and my ds is very proud of it. Or not? I don't actually want to spend two hours in the company of my parents, but should I do it for the sake of my ds?

Then there are the Christmas plays. My dd is in the nativity at her primary school, then my ds will be doing a play at his school. Again, do I invite my mother?

Hi everyone...I'm always lurking...posting on "lighter stuff" (chat) or if I can do specific replies...this is because I have started proper psychotherapy at long last.
After a very intense few weeks back in Sept,a colleague visited and was so concerned she took me to my gp.But she also spoke to someone very senior at work and - to avoid too many identifying details - arranged an assessment.

You may remember that I have a work situation hanging over me...Well,to cut it short,the assessment took three weeks and involved all my recent experience with xp,the recent flashbacks re my father and brother,my parents behaviour AND the work stuff.The therapist was GOOD.In summary,the patterns and themes in all the stuff are,unsurprisingly,the same...

It has all been maintaining itself...bullies and narcs have been everywhere in my life,for so long...I have been responding to the all in a similar way for ever..but,crucially,when I met xp,everything else fell apart,as he became more controlling,and as I surrendered more to him,so my parents and boss and colleagues - the N ones - gained access to me in a new and equally controlling and toxic way...

Well,I have been offered at least a year of psychodynamic psychotherapy on the nhs ,as an employee and a patient of the organisation I work for.The support will include advice and intervention re what the assessor identified as victimisation and bullying OF ME !!

This is SUCH a relief.But of course,also scary.And very intense.

So forgive me if I am selfish and focussed on myself for a bit..I am with everyone,but find it hard to give quite so much of myself right now,while I gather strength and energy to start moving out of limbo - and continue to function as a mother!

I will post as and when I can,and am still on MN for unfeasable amounts of the day ..but reading mostly.

I am also about to name change for various reasons.Will keep my initials....

Love to all.