"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Not aggressive at all trs. I used to hit my mum too Q and lost several friends by being too aggressive. It was the only way I knew to express my feelings and I only ever saw my mum being treated as a punch bag. She never expected anyone to respect her. Fortunately, I was eventually able to see that the way I was behaving was wrong.

I was sent to counsellors as a teen too trs. There's the scapegoat thing again!
My brother and sister witnessed the physical abuse towards me and my brother was hit too. My sister was liked more because she was quiet I think.

Please don't think badly of me for telling you that. I was a very messed up teenager :(

I dont think badly of you bookcase or you q. In our homes I guess that behaviour was just so damn normalised, how could we have known any better . We were still all just kids. Is this why you feel so responsible for your mum now bookcase?

bookcase, of course not! As I said, my brother did the same, for the same reason; it was all you knew. It is a natural reaction I think, the anger has to get out somehow. I once tried to stab my dad with a kitchen knife, my mum stopped me. I don't know what would have happened otherwise, which is quite scary. I can't tell people this as they would just think I am a total nutcase. Funny though how she was capable of me attacking him, not the other way around!

I don't have much time to even read on here and even less to post, but want to say thanks again to everyone for sharing as it is so helpful to just read what everyone writes. I wish I could give more feedback and advice but I am in the middle of things at the moment and am just trying to stay sane!

I did something potentially stupid, after asking my parents not to come, I have not been able to think about anything else and be sure that I made the right decision. So I said that they can still come. I said that if they don't behave they can leave early, so we'll see how it goes. I just felt that if they don't come now, I'll never confront them, and I think I need to in order to move on. Well, confront my mum, I have dealt with my dad before, and he has at least admitted everything he did and that it was wrong. It doesn't change the past but it is at least something. My mum is still in denial so it will be interesting... I am very up and down but feel stronger just for initially having told them how I feel and I feel more in control now, that the visit is on my term. They are coming in 2 days....wish me luck...

capable of stopping me attacking him

Q Good luck and remember you can implement whatever boundaries while they are visiting to keep you safe.

Don't worry, although I am a very quiet, loving and kind person - there are sometimes in my life that I have been agressive and violent. Centered around times of abuse. Makes me feel very ashamed. I have, in my head, apologised to every one of the boys I attacked at school, they were in the wrong place at the wrong time and said the wrong thing to me. I was a very messed up kid too.

I ahve never managed to confront either of my parents, I ahve always been too scared. I ahve confronted the bastard that abused me, I was part enraged and part petrified, and shouted at him in the street in town, all those things that you think 'if I could I'd say this to him.' It did feel good afterwards though, when I'd stopped shaking and crying!

I am a fool, was pmt time earlier this week, asked mother for the same thing I keep asking for she claims she has no idea what I am talking about and acts like she is clueless, I spelt it out for over a year now to her, she in the end had me in tears, so then came around with flowers, I asked her to go and get a dictionary if she did not understand what attonement, apology and acceptance meant related to the emotional abuse, I told her this is continuation still... and she is carrying it on with me and the kids, she got off on me crying, I said you got the flowers for yourself not me, get the dictionary, i went around yesterday yes I know I am an idiot, asked if she had got a dictionary, she said no, wanted me to have tea, claimed she had no idea what I was going on about etc... I have been crying this afternoon, I am an idiot, I am always going to hurt like this, I can't seem to move on from this, I need one of them to make it bettter, and she is the only one who has any interest in me, I hate hte fact that no one loves me and that no one has ever loved me, I had to give birth to people to be loved, how sick is that, and that was not why I wanted to have children.... it is what has happened! i was this person with lots of people I thought were friends who were infact users and abusers, and lots of family who actually had no respect for me, I have found out sinced were bitching me and hated me, have never been kind to me since ex left.... I have a father who hated my guts and took every problem he had out on me, mentally and physically, a brother who hates me and always did, a mother who I thought upto a year ago loved, me I now realise wanted me to forfill her needs and has been mentally abusing me my whole life, I can't get past this, I can't get past the fact the ex husband never loved me, and never planned on staying with me, that everyone has always used me and I am worthless to everyone, the only worth I have to anyone is to be a parent, no one loves or values me for me and never will, I can't trust anyone anymore! I try and reach out and I am so over sensitive that the slightest thing and I am scared off!

Whoops, just realised I posted on one of the older threads, the previous one, by mistake.

I posted a long post about my childhood. Will join you all here and try and catch up on this thread. xx

I think so trs. It's like I owe her something because of how I treated her, although the irony isn't lost on me.

Good luck with your parents Q. I hope you find the strength to confront your mum.

You're not a fool Mh. You're desperate for validation from your mother. I feel very similar to you, from what you have written so I'm not sure I can be very helpful. I can tell you that I value you for who you are though.

I read your post Frazzled and it sounds like you've definitely come to the right thread. It's no wonder you're so tense around your mother when she was so unpredictable and nasty to you growing up.

Take care today everyone. Hugs x

Bookcase, sorry that you have been through so many similar situations x x x

Thanks for telling me you think I am not a fool looking for validation, the rational side tells me it is a waste of time you will never get it, the child in me the despirate fixer thinks if I keep trying I will get it and if I get it from her she will love me properly and it will make the pain go away, it is like I put so much worth on being loved by ex husband who never loved me, it is like his loving me made up for things I was not even aware of at the time, and he rejected me and had never actually loved me or planned on staying with me when he took the vows, it was all an act.... oh i am going on.... hugs to all who need them!

I need to share some news with people who understand...so here goes...

I don't know how I've done it (probably by resisting the guilt trips and not 'playing the game')...but not one of my toxic relatives will be coming to our house for Xmas!!

I am so bloomin' happy ...for the first time in over 20 years it will just be me, DH and DC's for Xmas!! Ya hoo!

Luv to all xx

Yay Briar! Good for you :)

Mh you should have been given the love you deserve as a child. It's what teaches us that we are loveable. It fills us with the self-worth to love ourselves and expect to be loved by others.
I don't know if what I'm saying bears any relation to what you have written but it's what struck me on reading your post.

Mh So much of what you wrote resonated with me. Especially the part where you say you are so much of the fixer. I dont know how else to be in a lot of ways I think I have been afraid of letting go of this deeply ingrained role, but I also think I have used that role to avoid facing my own feelings if that makes sense.

briar good for you Me too. What new briar family traditions will you bring to the day. I need some inspiration as I want to create some for the smithfield family too.

I am at a low point again, go from living with it all and feeling ok, to these low points where I loose hope, maybe that is how life will always be... this therapy may not fix me at all... that is my greatest fear that the rest of my life will be small short periods of true happiness and things going well, with mainly living with things and it being ok, and triggers bringing on the low insecurity and fears....

Mh it is completely understandable to keep wanting love and care from your mother. I have done this for so long...keep asking my mother for some tlc and care. I never get it. It is only very recently that the penny has dropped for me, I will never get her to love me. That's the hardest thing, to know it will never happen. She is cold, I have a severely disabled child and get overwhelmed sometimes, and ask mother for some sympathy. There's no point asking, all I get told is to get on with it, there are worse people off than me etc etc.

It's important to find the place within us that know we are worth it, even without love or care from our parents. The hardest thing to do. I have just succeeded in making myself cry.

We are worth it, every one of us.

Briar you made me smile, good for you! My parents announced they are going on holiday for Christmas, and they hoped I didn't mind. I was secretly delighted, I wanted to punch the air!

If it's any consolation Mh, it's the same for me, the lows and fears. Then things get back to normal for a while, then flashbacks and lows again. Therapy is impossible sometimes. I am going to take a break for a while from therapy, it's too hard. I'm exhausted. And I need to nurture my marriage. How long have you had therapy for? How's it going?

Mummiehunnie ((Hugs))

You do realise that even well people have low days don't you? Ups and downs are part of every ones life.

I think sometimes people like us don't realise this and maybe we should accept the low days without beating ourselves up about being 'bad' for not coping so great...just like well people seem to do. x

Bookcase

Thanks for the Yay! :)

smithfield

I think our first new family tradition will be...TO RELAX!

I dunno about you but my Xmas's are usually like a regimented operation - to avoid any negative comments - so this year we shall have no regulated 'time' for anything. :) Still in Jim Jams at 2pm will be just fine!

midnight

I phoned my DH just to tell him my good news! Poor bugger was in a meeting!

midnight, sorry that you cried x x x

I can't remember exactly when the assessment started before summer holidays and therapy in september...

I am sorry that you have that low and fear too... I know I will not get the real love from mother, the sad thing is she is quite warm, the warmth is all for herself and her needs not for others... she has big problems herself, her mother abused her badly and she gets her self worth from elevating herself from the pain of others and from thinking she is better than others, she loves to pit one against the other, although she denies this particular habit, I have no hope of anything from my family as long as she is the one in control acting like the victim, keeping others apart with her triangulation and pretending to be the good one, she believes her own press as to do others, I myself was deluded for years until I had a bit of counselling last year in the summer to do with ex's abuse of me, it was that that opened my eyes to others!!!! I keep ramblings on and there is no point really, I am allowing the internal bully to win, there is just so very little self worth inside me to pull me out of this pain.... that is what drives me to get the selfworth from someone else if i am lovable then I am worth while

Therapy in September, Mh? Not long enough to give you any answers or boost self confidence just yet. I have "done" therapy for 15 months, and it is only very recently that things are starting to come together for me, and for me to feel less confused! But there's still a way to go, still flashbacks and revelations. It does take time, we have had a whole life time of suffering (for want of a better word) so, what I am saying, is hold on, keep going, it will start of come together, but not just yet. I hope you trust your therapist.

MH, am sorry you're feeling low. I understand your fear that the rest of your life will be this series of ups and downs. I have started to worry about this too. I was feeling good for quite some time, for so long that it atarted to feel very normal and that it would last. But then i fell into a deep, dark black hole and fear that this is how my life will be forever. I have some friends who have been diagnosed with bi-polar or manic depression and I think my mood swings are essentially tha same thing.

I just wanted to echo some of what was said upthread about mothers roping in siblings and weeping and wailing to them and siblings reacting to us with anger. That is exactly what happened to me, soon after I went nc, over 4 years ago. Apparently my mother was shaking and jittery and couldn't sleep and of course my siblings felt sorry for her and angry at me for making my mother feel this way. I mistakenly thought once my siblings heard my side of the story (they didn't know about my abuse, there is a big age gap and they didn't experience the same thing) and heard about the abuse and why I had decided to go nc, they would understand and not be angry at me. How wrong was I. My siblings were not at all interested in hearing my side of the story, about what I had been tnrough as a child, how I had felt, they seemed to just hate me and nothing I could say would persuade them otherwise. Don't really see them anymore. Can't bear to spend time with people who don't believe how bad things were for me as a child.

so lonely, I am sorry about your siblings, the whole of my family won't believe me, and hate me for telling the truth and outing the secret they don't want to accept, or as far as the parents are concerned for me outing them, they see abuse as a squalid house, kids with no clothes and sexual abuse, not what they did, father said you had food and clothes what are you going on about!!! they really refuse to get it!!! I was raging over a cousin on fahhers side who had been saying things behind my back before nc to mother, I knew they hated me anyway, and mother recently told me hte things the cousin had been saying, basically i was a horrible person and that mother was wonderful and mother should control me more etc... her sister told me I was horrible also when I was going through hell with ex.... I used to catch them with another cousin in corners and wispering, I had often though am I paranoid are they talking about me by the bodylanguage, once I asked them they said no, I was sure I head my name... now I know they did hate me.... why should they not, the two sisters were the one's living in squalid conditions no washed clothes, dirty house etc.... apparently my parents paid for them to be fed when they were younger... it is no wonder they hate me, that is what my father taught them to hate me, he treated me like I was second class so why should they not treat me as such, he can do no wrong, i am the scapegoat, once a puse was stolen, he questioned them not me, yet he was the one they loved afterwards and I was the one who was accused of questioning the theft... typical... I am HATED and NOT LOVED By anyone, except the two people who i gave birth to who often hate me becuase of their dad....no matter how much I ran after people it made no difference they still hated me, now I do nothing and still I am not loved..... and am hated by my family and ex's family.... like I am dog dirt on their shoe!

Mother used the opportunity when I asked her to accept attone and apologise to tell me how horrible a daughter I am compare me to others and tell me all the wonderful things she had done and how useless I am... I ran around after he and my father and brother like a slave for crumbs of nothing, even gifts I got little, no love, no time... just a slave..... I was always last and always hit and shouted at and blamed... I could never do enough, they could not even manage to tell me on wedding day I looked nice or had done a nice day, just paraded around... not that father could go .... also dd2's christening, father had no money and went around offering people drinks so he could abuse me and ex for being mean, we spent a fortune on the venue and meal and wine was included yet he had to shame us and make a big fuss and call us stingy standing at the door offering people drinks saying it was disgusting we were not there to go it, we had a baby and toddler and were speaking to guests, we would have gotten them drinks he hates me and I can never do enough for him, I am always wrong and I wishto god someoenw ould love me.... dammm letting internal bully win again.....