"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Just popping my head in to say hello. Thank you all for your warm wishes and hugs. It just astounds me how you guys have been through so much and yet still make time for dealing with others emotions the way you do. You all have something your parents will never have, loving compassionate souls . Their souls are all mean and shrivelled up (probably thinking of your post droves which was excellent by the way.)
I have only started skimming through posts as I'm still feeling wobbly after my tumble in to the dark hole but I just wanted to say bookcase bloody well done . We used to give out gold stars on this thread and I think you deserve several for your remarkable act of bravery.
It is never easy going toe to toe with a toxic one but you have and I know this will reap benefits for the little you. You are finally standing up for her.
How do you feel now?

I had my first session and one thing that has jumped out (currently) from it was my reaction to therapist asking if my father had access to my Dcs. I felt at her then frightened as I thought my contact with him could mean social services would be involved (she did mention social services at that point). I thought bloody hell Ive come to get help and now my Dc's will be taken away . I think she was just very clumsy with handling this whole subject perhaps?
It settled down after that thankfully, as I reassured her dad is never left alone with dc's and I only see him twice a year if that.
I've been considering why I felt so angered by it though. I think that I dont see him as violent even though he has been. It's like my mind knows the facts (as thisis says) but emotionally I make excuses for him.
I wanted to say 'Oh come on, I know I said he was violent but his not really' Does that even make sense.
I am shocked to realise I still dont relate to this stuff having really happened.
I told the therapist my mum was never violent just emotionally witholding and cold then I came home and said is slapping around the face abuse. He just went 'you have to ask smithfield..? Really?'.

Peppermint, yes I suppose we are really driven to be the opposite aren't we? Sometimes I find myself doing things and I'm not sure if I really enjoy them or if I'm just doing them because I know it's the opposite of what my mum would do!

Sorry I said to DH.

I think I have never really dealt with my dad's abuse. I found it easier to ignore it beacuse I desperately wanted to have one parent that was ok. Little me didnt want to believe they were actually both useless.
He wasn't ok though.
He was an absent, workaholic (often drunken) bully. Who, from time to time, well actually most of the time thought it was ok to push women around or for effect smash things up. He would also threaten to leave at least once a month screaming as he went that we should all in fact just f' off, because he was f'ing sick of the lot of us.
A few weeks back I broke my neck picking out the perfect reataurant and took my twat of a dad lovely father out and treated him to a meal.

Peppermintpasty, again I could have written your whole post as mine.

And therealsmithfield, I also struggle to relate what I say to the therapist about my mother to real life. It seems such a long time ago, it can't really have happened, I am being dramatic. The word abuse is such a strong one. My mother did not really abuse me, couldn't have done...except she did and I only realised this maybe three weeks ago.

And my mother seems so benign now, until she was evil to her granddaughter recently and I could see how she used to operate with me. Chilling. She is still the same. She likes to trick me into liking her. I am starting to believe myself now. It's a trick.

Sorry midnight cross posted. Thanks for the validation it really is helpful to hear that as it just feels like Im in some alternate universe today where I dont know what is real and what isn't.

"It just astounds me how you guys have been through so much and yet still make time for dealing with others emotions the way you do. You all have something your parents will never have, loving compassionate souls"

So do you therealsmithfield!!!

On a lighter note, how the heck do you make usernames bold?

Agreed.

You stick a * either side.

Sorry if that wasn't clear I meant "agreed" about TRS being lovely and supportive.

midnight on my computer its the fn button and number 8 puts a * either side if word.
Took me two years to find out how to do italics but still haven't mastered crossing out

lotster Yes I have a lot of rage. I am trying very hard and it has subsided a fair bit since working on this stuff but it is still there.
It upsets me when dd shouts 'Listen here lady' she omits the 'young' but that is what I say to her and she gets quite angry, some of it due to her developmental age I guess (she's only 2.5) but I do wonder if she's copying me too.
I try and explain and apologise to both of them if I go overboard. I reassure them I love them that it is not them it's me etc. I know it's not ideal but It's a massive step up up from what I had and I just have to keep working on it.
I took up running which helped quite a bit actually.
If you see someone running through the streets at night, face contorted with anger- don't be scared, its only me

Thankyou lotster

TRS at the angry runner pounding the streets!

I think we probably all try very hard and do a good job despite not having a normal framework to draw from.

Well that is it exactly, and motherhood is flamin hard work without dealing with the aftermath of abuse. I feel a great deal worse for beating myself if I fall or fail to be perfect. I just have to dust myself down and move on.
I know I could do with focussing on the good stuff a bit more. Like when dd says 'I love you mummy with all my heart' she is also copying me then as well, as is ds when he runs to give his little sis a hug when she is hurt or sad.

Hi everyone. Thanks for your comments. I must say I don't feel very brave. I used to get very angry at mum. I've been her persecutor and her rescuer in the past.

Midnight. Well done for sticking two fingers up. I'm still at that stage where it feels as if it never really happened.

Lotster, I think she really wants to believe she was a good mum, after all she "bought us clothes and made sure we were clean and fed". But she also stood by and watched me get hurt and did nothing to protect me.

Smithfield, I wonder if you make excuses for your father because you got so used to being hurt that it's almost no big deal/you were so used to it happening. As if it could have been worse somehow?
After talking to mum further she started saying how she wants to see DD grow up and how her Parkinson's is getting worse. I feel a horrible person for confronting her now. As the words were leaving my mouth they
felt as if they didn't belong to me.

Your last post about your children being so loving made me smile. You have obviously done such a good job of being a mother. I hope you can look at them and think 'I did that'.

Lotster you asked me a question earlier, does my mother get opinionated in a bigoted way? Oh yes. She is so narrow minded and cold with it. She has no empathy. She stands on her soap box and out of her mouth comes bitter words which she thinks is totally normal and justified.

Just had a memory: last summer my mother telling me that if she could let her granddaughter stay for a while (she is 13yo and having problems at home, she is my niece) then mother's method of moulding her into a good girl is to take all of her belongings out of the room and only give one back at a time when she is being good. OH MY GOD. She thought this was fine. Very recently my mother told the granddaughter she hated her. And now she completely ignores her and tells me she is stupid. Enough said.

Oooh I've done bold type !!

Oh midnight that's awful.

Oh god. Now mum has got my sister involved. Apparently she's been crying and her shaking is getting worse. I shouldn't have said anything.

bookcase She is manipulating you, I promise you that your mother is fine. This is such typical toxic behaviour, engaging third party (normally a sibling) to fight their corner. YOU are not responsible for your mother, stay strong and you will soon see just how resilient your mother really is.
IWill be back later to check up on you. Can you hold off calling her until then?
If your sisiter calls again let your husband take the call to tell you are out walking with dd.

The only way out of the triangle is to no longer play the same role over and over. She is trying to push you back to rescuer but you will soon see how quickly she recovers when she realises you wont step back in. Big hug for you xx

Don't go there Bookcase, TRS is right.

You are the most important person in your life, you just look after you and your needs.

Thank you. Haven't spoken to her, but don't think I'll be able to avoid letting her come over to see DD. I feel too guilty. I was very nasty to her as a teenager. Feeling very small now.

How has your weekend been trs and thisis?

"Oh god. Now mum has got my sister involved. Apparently she's been crying and her shaking is getting worse. I shouldn't have said anything." Bookcase this could have been me writing just a couple of weeks ago... I dared ask my mum to cancel a visit her and my dad was planning. My mum promptly called my sister and "broke down crying". I am lucky that they all live in another country so I don't have to worry about them turning up. I have not answered any calls from my sister as I know she is doing the dirty work for my mum. Later my sister sent me an email which I posted on here, I have decided not to reply to her and will just ignore her for now. Who were you nasty to? Your mum or sister? You don't have to feel guilty for the way you were as a teenager, most teenagers act out in some ways, even those from healthy families, so of course those of us from abusive backgrounds can be expected to finally rebel in some way! Think about yourself, you are not responsible for their feelings in any way. I know it's hard, but do try..

Thank you Q. I remember your post.
I've spoken to my sister this evening and she understands alot more now.
I was very nasty to my mum, because I was so angry with her as a teenager. I was also cruel to my brother and sister, but we have talked about it and I've made amends. We are much closer now.

Oh that´s great bookcase. I'm so glad your sister understands. Mine is like a shouting version of my mum, my mum manipulates with tears and my sister responds (to me) with anger. Both me and my brother were also nasty to my mum as teenagers, my brother started hitting her! He was only doing what he knew best, I was better at talking back. He is a very different person now thank god. My brother and I also tried to kill each other on a daily basis, we fought so bad. But we're good friends now.

I've spent my life feeling sorry for my mum, and I used to feel so guilty just thinking anything bad about her. But lately I have been able to feel pure rage and anger at her, which feels great! It is definitely progress, but it's only been a few weeks or months. I hope you can get rid of your guilt somehow too. You're doing the right thing, be proud of yourself :)

bookcase I am glad your sister has shown some understanding, that must mean a lot to you. Were your brother and sister involved in any abuse from your sdad?
It is totally understandable that you would be incredibly angry as a teenager. You were frightened and learnt anger as a defence mechanism. I think most of us probably did.
My mum sent me to have my hormones checked when I was a teen because I became aggressive . Even as a teen you were the child she the adult.
Hope you are feeling better, hope Im not coming accross too aggressiv . Just on your side bookcase 100%.