"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Hi sorry I have not read all the posts, am wrapping myself in cotton wool for a bit.
I fell quite badly yesterday (a mental fall). Plummeted into a very dark place, physically excrutiating as too as Imnot able to function when I get like this and it has not happened for some time. Step forward in admitting any of this.
Yesterday, prompted by a friend I gained insight into why the sudden blackest of moods has descended- I hadn't mentioned it on here but I got my letter through for the appointemnt with the clinical psychologist. It is this saturday
I've waited 2 years for this point to come and now it's here I am falling apart inside and out with the very thought of it. Subconcious terror. It is clear I have controlled this for some time.
So I am sorry (again) for not reading as I see there are some new posters 'hello' to you but I find so many of the stories so heart wrenchingly sad I really must put a protective layer on for the next few days.
Hope to be back to read posts and update soon
x

trs - thank you so much for posting. I'm sorry to hear you feel bad. You did brilliantly in identifying the trigger! Does "You should see a psychologist" sound shocking to you? As if you'd be admitting fault in some way? Try not to worry (!!) Your friend seems helpful - can you rally some support and hand-holding for Saturday's appointment?

Please keep cuddling yourself :) Here's one from me.

Smithfield , im glad youve discovered why you`ve hit the dreaded "black pit"
...but remember when your down in the pit the only way to go is up !!!!.

The appointment , is scary , none of us like opening up and dragging the past back (especially not when your past has been riddled with abuse).
But , it will help you in the long run.
I hope you find it not as scary as you imagined.

Get that protective layer wrapped tightly . I hope its as cosy and comforting as a 12 tog duvet ! (((huggs)))

Best of luck on Saturday ! x

trs, yes, keep looking after yourself and I also hope you do not find your appointment as scary as it seems right now. And droves is so right, when you are down in the horrible, black pit, the only way out is up. Am hoping you are able to find your way up and out quicker these days than in the past. Recognising you have been triggered is so important in finding your way out. Good Luck for Saturday, x.

Grace, thank you for your kind words, about DD and DH. The situation with DH is sad. I do question why he loves me as he says he does, because I wonder who it is he loves as sometimes he doesn't seem to know or see the real me at all.

You have made me think about DD a bit more. And I have to say that since I have changed inside, she has changed too, in response to me. She seems so much more relaxed, seems less demanding, less highly strung, just less difficult to be around. I find I am no longer forcing myself to spend time with her because I want to do the opposite of what my mother did with me, I actually am genuinely starting to enjoy her company and we are now to be found often chatting together in the kitchen! My mum never ever did that with me and I hardly ever did this with DD until recently. But the more I do it the more I like it.

Grace i think you may be right about your previous obessions as you put it. Working hard on putting external things right when perhaps you knew the real work needed to be done within yourself, but you were afraid of going there, then. It makes so much sense.

chiaro, that letter is not proof of how unworthy you are. It is proof however of how damaged, flawed and warped the mind of the person who wrote it is.

I will try to catch up with today's post later but just wanted to send Smithfield a hug. Look after yourself and good luck for your appointment.

Also nemofish, if you're around, thinking of you and hope you're doing okay.

Hugs to everyone xx

One for you, too, Bookcase :) Nice to hear from you.

trs, hugs to you and anyone else who needs one xxx

Hi All
I have been reading with interest. Chiro did our mothers attend the same 'Shit poetry for toxic parents' course? I seem to recall getting a letter along the same lines

Hi bookcase, grace, trs, mummiehunnie, serajen, solonely, droves and all lurkers and evryone I'ver forgotten!

My medication is affecting my memory, and giving me mild hallucinations, although tbh they could be caused by stress, wouldn't be the first time!

Without having to deal with the anxiety, all sorts of stuff has come to the surface. Can't stop thinking. And yes I have cried so much my eyes have been swollen most of the time! But, but, but...

I know now that I was date raped, I know now so much more about what happened to me, not that I forgot, I just refused point blank to think about it. Any of it. And so haven't dealt with it up to now.

I feel now like it wasn't 'small' or 'silly,' any of the things that happened, in fact I know that I can, if I choose, report everything to the police and (hopefully!) be taken seriously and treated with dignity and respect. I have a right to walk around with my head held high, I do not have to be ashamed.

It bothers me that my mother and stepfather sit in their little house at their little breakfast bar 'sipping their PG tips' as dh said. They ahve got away with it, they get to walk around like normal people. Dh said to my mental health worker - 'they get to walk around like normal people, nemofish doesn't, she has been suffering for years, she's ill, on meds, she can't work, she crys and is hurt and angry, she's in pieces, it's killing her - and it's not her fault. It's those bastards. They should get hauled in and have to answer for everything they've done.'

Loved him more than ever at that point!

I have now:

• Booked a spa day for myself
• I am about to buy myself a new phone (mine had an accident with a block of butter. Don't ask)
• I am about to start reading / doing my 'Learning to Love Yourself' book.
• I ahve bought lots of expensive undies for me.

I've done this because the idea of doing nice things for me because I value me and I like me and I want to be happy (and dh and dd prefer me happy!)

Just wanted to share...

I kept the letter with me for two contradicting reasons, a weird proof that I was as bad as I thought, that I must have deserved how I was treated.

But the tiny person in me wanted a 'witness' to say it was wrong, that no child deserved that, that she wasn't 'bad' or brassy or harsh or bitter and filled with envy and hate, just a young girl, going through what all girls do. Yes messed up sometimes, but just needing the kind of love that stops you from hurtling into space, infinity with no direction.

She is so sad, the little girl in the photo I have of me at about 7/8. I cried for the first time in counselling. Acknowledged her for the first time. A little girl with a secret, that she kept for over 30 yrs

I will take some time to read some back posts soon. I am sorry to have come on so self absorbed. x

Nemo (( )) have seen bits of your posts. I am glad your DH said what he said... he sounds like a rock. I hope he is x

wow Nemofish ...think i love the way your DH stood up for you. What a man! im so happy that you have each other.

Chiaroscuro ...you not self absorbed, just realising that your little 7 yr old you needed love.
Its not bad to grieve for what you didnt have...its part of the healing. Im hopeful that your counselling will help you get there .
X

not self absorbed at all chiaroscuro. It is no wonder you were messed up.

Well we are all made of fucking brass here - brass my arse!

So much pain and sadness but I had a little giggle at Grace saying she had become 'less agreeable' -somehow that sounds delightful and I fully intend to be less agreeable in future!

Chiaro - that letter is poison it really is. Anyone who would write that to their pubescent girl is sick. It is such a vulnerable time. I am glad you have a counsellor to work this through with

It is interesting the idea that our abusers hated themselves but projected that onto us. I know I harp on a lot about narcissism but this is a classic trait isn't it, projection?

Smithfield - so sorry you have fallen into a black hole. I hope one day you can find a way of stepping over that black hole rather than falling into it. Thinking of you on Saturday.

So lonely - I think it is more the weight of sociey's expectations. I still don't want to be the 'bad girl' and cut her out completely. I wouldn't give a hoot what she thought, but more what other important people in my life thought. This is a bit narcissistic on my behalf as I portray a forgiving image but inside I still seeth with hatred for the woman. I also worry about what my kids will turn around and say if I cut her out, when they are older.

It is different for you solonely. The fact that she is my grandmother and my children's great grandmother allows me a bit of emotional distance that you don't have. If you are not ready (maybe you never will be) do not resume contact. Look how far you are coming with your own dd away from their toxic influence. I am only doing this with clear, firm boundaries and because my step granddfather is not coming. If I suffer in any way she won't be coming back.

Hi Nemo, I think I missed you out in my earlier greetings sorry. Glad despite the awful things you are having to process you are nurturing yourself.

Goodnight guys.

sorry by 'bad girl' I meant the label I was threatened with by my abusers to keep me quiet and in the system. I did not mean to imply that going no contact is bad in any way. I wish society supported this difficult decision more.

Sorry, I haven't been able to respond to all these posts. I'm finding it difficult to take anything in. You are all in my thoughts though.

I'm feeling so unsafe and frightened tonight. I need someone to tell me nothing terrible is going to happen. I keep thinking about a lady on the bereavement thread making videos for her children because she is dying.
I can feel in my heart a terrible fear and an aching for how awful that is.
So scared.

I think sometimes I read upsetting things to provoke a response from myself. I'm so robotic.

Hey Bookcase, just off to sleep but hope you're ok, that thread sounds heartwrenching

Take care, you are safe. Speak tomorrow.

hugs to those of you that need them, I have been following your posts, I don't have anything to add xxx

I am feeling like I have turned a corner with the therapy I had this week, I feel positive and don't want to harp on with the negative things, I was also made aware of some faulty thinking I have with regards to mind reading... I thought it was normal to know a person, tone of voice, body language and to have an idea of their intentions when they say something... I gather that it is faulty and people don't go around second guessing comments made by others and deciding it is the thing you come up with as the evidence shows you that is what they mean.... does that make sense... sometimes though I will not be sure and think it could be one of many reasons, maybe I need to google or read up on faulty thinking....

chiaroscuro. I have been thinking about this a lot from yesterday.I have also kept some of the correspondences from my "mother".

I kept them, I showed them to my therapists. They are evidence. The reality of the inside of her mind. I didn't realise this at first. The therapists did though. I could sense that her writing told them a lot of what they needed to know and fast forwarded things for me in that theraputic sense. It was the begining of my validation. Crying now.

This far down the line, and this is the point, I can see that her words about me, were not about me at all......she was DESCRIBING HERSELF!!!!!! It was projection, in black and white for anyone to see, and they did see.

I'm glad I kept them, even though it is so painful to read, I remember when I saw them for the first time, sickness, panic, anger, fear, confusion, terror, to see her thoughts in black and white.

Now I can almost bear to look, and see that it's not me, it's her. No wonder she wants rid of those aspects of herself, but she can no longer dump them on me. Those things are not me. I am quite a different person.

What do you think....those dreadful, cruel descriptions....are they in fact descriptions of him?

Sorry not to add anything at moment, I am reading everything, am just on my way to Asia for work meeting trying to look after 80+ people from all over the world, making sure they're all in the right place at the right time with all the right info, like herding cats as they say! Thanks to you all for being there for me on this forum and I will add input instead of just taking when I have some head space.

Yes ThisisHowIfeel, your post is dead on. My therapist last night said that almost verbatim.

That as a counsellor she could see in his words the help that he needed.

And maybe someday i will be able to empathise more with how he came to dump it all on his Daughter and wife because I know.

But recognising his own damaged soul makes me feel that it was OK to dump on me because he needed to but I don't want to be dumped on any more. I feel guilty and confused because I can recognise his pain but am tortured by my own.
Even now, he says that women are emotional baggage being stuffed into cheap carrier bags with handles that are about to split.

That our redeeming quality is that we are good to look at.

But the cost I payed for being 'good to look' at was sexual attention that I didn't deserve, harrassment, an assault, abuse.... couldn't handle it.

I was a child.

He thinks calling me a shit is proof of ow deep his love for me is... 'look, you're really bad and I still love you'.
I kind of see what he was trying to say, but so so at the pain he caused.

I am not a different person yet. I have a long way to go and maybe when I get there I can start to forgive him, but that would be hard because he continues to be an abusive controlling husband to my Mother.
And I can't fix it.
Especially not right now.

Maybe it would have been 'easier' for me if he had just been bad, but the turmoil of highs and lows is destabilising, loved/hated/loved/hated........... safe/not-safe/safe/not-safe.. in the end means never safe.

So that post means a lot thisis.

serajen x

Fuck it .... im getting more and more when i read yet more and more similarities in all your posts.

So many infact i could exctract pieces from each of your pasts and it would be my own childhood -early twenties life.

So on behaf of everyone on this thread im posting a letter to our nutjobs parents.

To the toxic arseholes parents,

  Every child is entitled to love, care and protection.

We were just little children, tiny scraps of humanity .
We never asked to be born, or beaten , or molested , or starved, or insulted.
It was unfair that you our supposed parents , our should have been protectors , allowed or caused this to happen.
We refuse your statements of scorn and contempt , and rebuke your insults and accusations.

We know that you are abusers , whether it be emotional,physical, or sexual.
You should never been allowed to continue what you did.
May you slow roast in the fiery pits of hell for what you have done.

But you should know this....

We are no longer the tiny , scared children we once were.You no longer have the luxury of larger size to enable your bulling, nor the ability to instill fear ,
like you once did.
We are no longer your easy targets.

We have risen above adversity and will continue to do so until you are ashamed and repentent.
We are no longer children, we are no longer victims.
We are survivors.We will endure.

Time is passing , and with each day as we grow stronger and whilst become what we should have been, you crumble and grow old.Your "power" is waining.

This will continue , day after day.
Until suddenly you realise, like we did , that you are unrequired, unwanted and unloved.
Reap what you sow.

      Sincerly , 
         the inner child.

i feel sooooo much better now.

Delurks...applauds Droves letter ...Relurks.

xx < for all.

Thank you Briar...

I think ive done not bad concidering Ex-M ,told me i was an illiterate stupid bastard.

Note for the toxic, (if you are lurking like i suspect)
Im not stupid .
Its called dyslexic ,you moron .My IQ 127 , and they let me in mensa!