"But we took you to Stately Homes!" - Dysfunctional parents?

[ItsGraceAgain]

It's October 2010, and the Stately Home is still open to visitors.

Forerunning threads:
December 2007
March 2008
August 2008
February 2009
May 2009
January 2010
April 2010
August 2010

Please check later posts in this thread for links & quotes. The main thing is: "they did do it to you" - and you can recover.

Disappearing, hiding, not existing....such a common theme.

We do exist, we matter, we are here, we are important, we are already amazing!

Hello, have just been catching up with recent posts and I am amazed at how many of our parents have a sudden illness which they think will bring us running back to them. My mum had a heart problem a while I after I went nc and my sister phoned me up in tears to tell me. I'm sure she expected me to say all was forgiven and come running back to be a part of the family again. I didn't. But I remember thinking that the family were no doubt blaming me for my mum's heart condition, caused by the shock of me going nc and denying her any chance to see her grandchildren. They never told me this in so many words but the fact that I thought this way shows how they always made me feel, like I was to blame for all the bad things that happened.

Rose hi, it's oneplusone from the old threads. I saw you on another thread, I didn't post but realised that I missed you and the other Stately Home visiters. This is the only place where I feel understood sometimes.

As usual I have very little time, but will be back later, to read at least if not to post.

Hi all, and welcome chiaroscuro.

Midnight, I don't know much about food issues (despite my mum having them) but would it help maybe to remember that if she stood by and watched you suffer a battle with food, and starve, then the best way to stick two fingers up at that could be to lovingly prepare something you enjoy eating and take you time to eat it? Because it would show you don't subscribe to her POV that you should suffer?

By denying yourself, you are allowing her loathing to become your self loathing. I think you know you deserve better. If not, we'll listen and help until you do.

Sorry just a few bits that I can relate to so well. Somebody said upthread about feeling inside that they are lazy and useless and yet having a tidy, organised desk at work and not realising what a different outside image they have compared to what they feel inside. That is me through and through. I know I appear in RL so together, articulate, confident, organised and nobody would ever guess the insecurity and self doubt I feel on the inside. I know I completely hide any vulnerability and in effect deny myself the help and support that would otherwise be forthcoming from friends. I remember Grace posted a while back about how it took her ages to convince the health professionals that she needed help because she appeared so 'ok' and that is how I am.

I don't know how to show my vulnerability. I am so completely and utterly used to acting like I'm ok, that nothing bothers me, from my very early childhood, I simply don't know how to be any other way. During childhood it was a survival mechanism, the only way I could survive the continual abuse from my dad and neglect from my mum, I don't need to be that way now, but don't know any other way to be.

smithfield and rose, I think it is great that you are writing, creatively, for yourselves. I would love to do the same but can't do it for some reason. There is a block inside me. But you can and you are and I think you should be proud that you are doing this. I understand about how you want to feel you are really good at this smithfield especially after reading about how your mother treated you, but from where I'm standing, the writing in itself is an achievment.

Have lurked on this thread for a long time, reading all the comments and identifying with so much. SoLonely how true that we hide all the vulnerability and self-doubt, mine has always been with humour which I suppose I developed as a suit of armour / coping mechanism, make everyone laugh and it deflects away from bad feelings, minimise it all with humour, pretend it's all ok, laugh it off, f*ck all I want to do is cry and can't even do that at the moment.

And not accepting help, can't do it, never have been able to. HOld down a stupidly demanding job, have raised daughter single-handed, run around trying to help everybody, etc, etc, but can't let anything in for myself, feel I'm not worth nurturing I suppose.

Allowed toxic mother to affect me last night, I usually steer clear of her or at least stay fortified when I'm in her company but she shot straight through the shield last night and I want to curl into a ball

Another couple of similar things ive noticed , also there was very few photos of me as a child ...and an issue with food.

My mother wouldnt feed me adequately, and as a result i was very, very thin.
Skelatol.It hurt to lie down , and i had bones sticking out , you could see my spine.

At 17 , when i left her home i weighed 5 1/2 stone...She would tell people i was anorexic.

As a long lasting side effect , i have been told i have some bone loss already and can expect ostioporosis (speling , sorry ) in the future.

On a brighter note , smithfield and rose ...keep writing !.
Its a wonderful thing to be able to do. .
Worth while remembering that jk rolling started off doing scribbles in cafes because she was depressed about being a single parent. ...sometimes surviving a hard life can give you the extra edge it need to be successfull.

I have had some unexpected good news.
I have been offered a new house to rent.
Its like a weight off my shoulders because i was afraid of my ex-mother turning up and causing mayhem.
Now she wont know where i live.
She doesnt know i got married either , so cant trace me as she doesnt know how to spell DH`S ,( and mine) surname.
Its a regular name with an unusual spelling .

I feel like im really free now.

serajen ....im so sorry your mother did that . for you .
Can i welcome you to posting on the thread with a hug?

(huggs) x

serajen hello. It's safe here.

I too was painfully thin, sticky out bones, had accusations of annorexia hurled around. Also a reason why it was my fault that it was so unfair for the rest of my family, and somehow my fault, that I was thin. This doesn't make sense at the moment. There was always some kind of reason, illness as a baby, annorexia, general unfairness of life. I don't know.

I do remember my goldenchild sister stealing a whole pack of cakes, and eating the lot. I was blamed. I know I did not take those cakes. Goldenchild was never skinny. Always rather plump. Funny that.

My little sister has severe eating/food/body image issues. She denies it, well she would, She has a chart in her bathroom with a daily count of what she, her poor daughter, and druggie partner weigh. Her obsession with weight is what attracted her to drugs, coke keeps your weight down, and that's one of the reasons that I didn't believe her when she told me she no longer did it. Of course she did, and probably still does.

When I finally escaped, I promptly put on three stone.

Droves, I am really pleased about your new house. :)

Oh and only two photos of me as a child, but tons of goldenchild.

My cousin posted on FB, a photo of us all taken one christmas, years ago. I look about six.

I commented on how I looked so forlorn. My cousin replied, "No, just knowing and wise".

Goldenchild is plump and laughing.

thisis, yes my family also thought I had anger issues. I was blamed for always causing all the rows within the family and always rocking the boat. I was always made to feel as if they would be a much happier, calmer family without me around. But your therapist is right. My anger was a natural reaction to how I had been treated. Only my family never saw this, never saw their part in causing me to be angry. They just saw me as angry, surly, rude and hostile and thought it was just me, it was my personality. Never once, not even now, did they look at themselves and see that I was only reacting to them.

Remembering my old name (oneplusone) has reminded me of how I used to feel a while ago about DD. I used to feel as if I hated her, I sometimes felt sheer rage towards her, I thought she was odd looking, even ugly . I can admit to all this now because I have realised that these were all feelings that my mum had about me, when I was a child. I do not feel any of those things towards DD any more. But DD hasn't changed. It's me, I've changed inside. I have realised all those feelings I had about DD were how I was made to feel about myself as a child, by my mother. But I was no more a hateful, annoying, irritating nuisance of a child than DD is. And yet my mother thought nothing of making me feel as if I was. Although I am sure my mother was not doing it consciously, but the damage was done anyway, whether she acted knowingly or not.

thisishowifeel ... i too have a fat sibling.
Another coincedence... the accusations of "stealing food".
Perhaps we were accused , because they knew
they were starving us.

Makes a sort of cruel sence ...starving child would steal because they are so hungry....(if we werent so afraid of a beating, that is ).

Sister often had EMPTY FOOD PACKETS stuffed down the side of her bed , cakes ,crisps, biscuits. I never did , but got bashed for it even though the "evidence"of who did was there for all to see. .

As a result of this , i have an open kitchen policy !
My children are allowed to eat as much as they like, and i often buy far too much at the supermarket.
Im glad my kids are sporty , because if they wernt they`d be as wide as they were tall !
I OFTEN FEED THEIR FRIENDS TOO ....

Id like to get inside my ex-mothers head for just one day and see why she hated me.

Thanks so much, droves, need that hug and so good to feel part of something with people who truly understand, hugs back xxx

Thank you SERAJEN..... JUST REMEMBER ...TOGETHER WE ARE STRONGER ! .

Its a good feeling to have "back-up" , (even if it is just in cyberspace ! )

x

SoLonely Hi! It is lovely to hear from you again. I have looked out for you and it has brightened my day , although of course I know the fact that you are posting means you are having to deal with more stuff and I know that is tough.

I always thought you were very open and brave to post how you felt about your dd and it is lovey to hear you are turning it around. There have been a couple of threads recently with posters suffering from PND and reading between the lines there have been issues in their childhood. It is not a surprise to me at all. How could a damaged, abusive childhood not affect your parenting?

I thought my anger had subsided but then the imminent visit from my grandmother has resurfaced some of those feelings. I am not looking forward to the weekend. I think SoLonely the fact that she is my grandmother and not my mother and the fact that her evil other half is out of my life now, means I could just about endure a visit once a year. But as I said I am not sure why I am doing it and who for.

The tone of your posts sound different though SoLonely. Your new name and desire to post suggest you are hitting another wave to ride on your journey but you still sound more positive somehow. Correct me if I am wrong of course.

I often wonder where the people like stately homers are in RL? Someone to talk to who really understands this. But then maybe they are all hiding behind their protective shell? I have thrown that to the wind a little bit and allow snippets of the awfulness that was my early years be known to close friends. It is a strange thing though that as soon as you say the word 'abuse' people do recoil a bit. It is only natural I suppose but I want to scream from the moon so that the whole bloody world can hear 'IT GOES ON ALL THE TIME IN MANY, MANY HOMES! LETS STOP BEING SO SHEEPISH ABOUT IT!' - sorry for capitals, it was supposed to denote how loud I would have to shout from the moon!

droves - I do wonder if food issues are a common theme in abusive homes. I have wondered about anorexia and its link to abuse. Did she do this to gain attention narcissistically through your starving appearance? How awful, I am so glad you finally feel free from her.

thisishowifeel - we do exist indeed. maybe that was the drive behind the weight loss, the desire to disappear or our parent's desire for us to disappear?

Hi serajen. It is so hard not to let our toxic relatives break through our shield. After all they have many, many years of practice and know where the weak spots are. I know what you mean about staying fortified. I am going to have to do that this weekend and I know I will be exhausted at the end of it.

Midnight, am so sorry to hear about how your mother turned her back on you when she knew you had an eating disorder. That is just so shocking and hurtful. My mum ignored me too, when I was very ill. To this day I can't understand how anybody really can turn their back on somebody in clear need of help, let alone how a mother can do this to her own child. It is completely incomprehensible to me. Our mothers are completely lacking in empathy. That could be the explanation except the lack of empathy was only in relation to me, not my siblings. If my siblings had problems, my mother was beside herself with worry and would talk to me about my siblings problems. I could only think, "But what about me?, can't you see me and see that I have problems too?" I never told my mother what I was thinking. It's obvious now though that she couldn't see me at all, not as a child who needed the same things from her as my siblings. She saw me mostly as a nuisance or an irritation and made me feel I should just go away and leave her alone or once in a while, she would use me, when she needed me, or if I achieved something then she would show off about me to other people. But she was never there when I needed her to be my mother.

'id like to get inside my ex mothers head for just one day and see why she hated me'

And that is the question that sums up this whole thread I feel droves.

Rose, cross posted, finding you on here has brightened my day too! It is lovely to be able to go away for a while and come back to find old friends again. Although I understand for you too that you have come back here for a reason, like me, more stuff to deal with. But dealing with things is positive and ultimately healing so I'm glad we're both here.

I can completely understand your grandmother visiting to be a catalyst for feelings to surface. Can you pinpoint why you are allowing her to visit? Do you feel guilty/obligated? I know I do sometimes think about re-establishing contact with my parents. But I am not ready yet, don't know if I will ever be. But I do think about it, so can understand to some extent how you have come to allow your grandmother to visit you after a long time.

Rose, thank you for saying I sound more positve. I feel more positive, I know I have moved forward on this journey. But I was knocked down by DH the other day saying I haven't changed a bit . It undermined me completely and I wonder if all my so called progress has all been in my mind, imaginary. I feel very sad that DH can't see any change in me at all . It was very disheartening to hear that from him. It makes me feel he is another person who doesn't 'see' me. He only sees me in so far as I can meet his needs and in that respect things haven't changed much it is true. But I am not just his wife, I am me and it is sad that he can't see this.

I can absolutely relate to your wondering where the RL Stately Homers are and how people in RL (including DH if he was honest) recoil at the word abuse, that is so true. And yes, I want to shout too, like you, and tell people, it is going on right now, in many, many homes. I think it might be partly because we are now adults and people find it hard to see us as children, am sure if they could, they would have a bit more compassion for us. And the confident, capable front so many of us put on in public. People must find it hard to imagine us as vulnerable, innocent trusting children. I find it hard to imagine myself as a child, so it surely must be hard for other people?

Droves, I used to feel hate for my own DD. But I didn't actually hate DD, it was myself that I hated. Because as a child, my mother made me feel as if she hated me. I took on her feelings and hated myself. I must have hated myself all my life without really consciously being aware of this, until I had DD. And then somehow, my internalised hate for myself started being projected onto DD and for a while, I really believed I hated her. I am only posting all this convoluted rambling to try and somehow help you see that perhaps your mother didn't hate you, that she hated herself, but projected her feelings onto you? This is why it makes it so hard to understand why we were hated by our mothers because there seems to be no reason for it. And there was no reason, we were not unloveable, unlikeable, ugly, hateful children. It must have been our mothers' own childhood histories being played out in our lives. And that is how it goes. Abuse is continued from generation to generation, unless and until somebody in the chain is strong enough and self aware enough to break the cycle.

It's interesting how some mother's can turn their back when they are needed most. I think in my experience it's about not wanting to share the limelight. My mum had a hard upbringing and she is, and will always be, the stunted child, the one demanding the attention she felt she didn't have.

When she didn't come and see me after my operations I felt so abandoned, but it would have taken the shine off her many niggles and complaints.

Funny, I moved recently, and when she saw me she said I was looking too thin. I replied it was probably just stress. She replied "What have you got to be stressed about?"

Any other normal person would (and did) say to me, "gosh, moving is so stressful isn't it? And with two young children, and your son just starting reception 6 weeks later etc"

But she can't give me an inch...

SL, I just loved where you wrote DD hasn't changed. It's me, I've changed inside. Isn't that amazing? Changes do happen - I just thought it'd be a good idea to affirm this fact for our newcomers :) It's like starting a new fitness regime: you think nothing's happening, what's the point ... and then, one day, you wake up or catch sight of yourself and go "Ooh! I'm toned!"

Emotional 'fitness' is so much more important then the physical type, too. You've improved your DC's future immeasurably through the work you've done already. How precious is that?

I'm gutted that your DH doesn't notice (or understand?) what's happening inside you. It must make you feel quite sad. I shan't say any more, as your relationships will inevitably change as you do, and I hope you'll feel you can post when you need to. My sibs' reactions to my changes are quite odd. They seem far more interested in how fat and out-of-shape I've become on the outside, than what's happening inside. I've apparently become less agreeable, too. I'm sure I don't need to tell you I'm quite happy with both changes!

I've been wondering how many of my previous obsessions were actually symbolic of the psychological/emotional work I needed to do, but was afraid to acknowledge. I was frantically fit - was this about the 'toning' I really needed to do in my head? I've renovated half a dozen sad & shabby homes - was this all to do with the repairs needed within myself? What about the numerous neglected pets (and people) I've adopted? Acting out the healing care I needed? I suppose another way of looking at it would be from the perspective of not feeling good enough - to be appreciated; for a nice home; for a happy pet - either way, I'm becoming less and less willing to reshape external things, including my home and my body. For me, this is a positive development.

Didn't mean to ramble quite that much

Roseability, I'm up on the moon, shouting with you! I find I am having more conversations about family abuse now - usually very short but, as you say, it is still taboo so any acknowledgement is a bonus, I reckon. My mother told me yesterday about a Swedish film she'd seen - "The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo". Apparently it's about hidden abuse. She said it resonated strongly with her because of what my dad put me through. She seems to have reverted to her self-appointed role as sympathetic but helpless bystander to the abuse of her own children. Whatever floats her boat ... (Her boat is floating on a river in Egypt: de Nile!)
And, with that really crap joke, I'll leave you with wishes for a fufilling day and pleasant moments.

There were food issues with me as well, I think as a control issue. Three things I hated, carrots, onions and mushrooms and they were regularly cooked with and despite gagging, retching and crying from a small child until I learned to control my bodies actual reaction to food I genuinely hated, being forced to eat it.

I know why my Dad disliked me but perhaps as much as a mysogynist as anything.

This is one of my Ghosts, written to me in puberty, I carry it with me to prove to myself how I am unworthy I am.

''Dear Daughter,
I begin this letter uncertain, uncertain because I see you beginning to walk down a lonely road which I can not follow and I feel sad. Sad because I have watched you forming your course and knowing where it may lead, and have felt helpless because frustrated, have felt you refuse my help.

''Princess'' is the Translation of your name, and Princess you were, yet there is not one kind of princess, there are many.

Some are of the purest metal, regal, gentle and true with their beauty in their heart and kindness as their crown.

This I felt you were as I watched you pick the wild flowers and turn them inot bouquets of love, and my heart sang and was glad.

Some are of a metal not so pure, and are of brass, who look on the world, imperious, angry, selfish and impossible to please who look like gold and yet are not. Whose laughter does not tinkle as pure crystal, or buble as the pure running stream, but it is harsh, strident and coarse as the ill-formed metal they imitate.

And there is no beauty in their soul, but rather the ugliness of envy and bitterness and hate. Their gifts of flowers soon wither and die for they are not of love, and beauty feeds on love and feel love in return, and it is not selfishness or for selfish needs conveyed.

And so I become sad as I watch my princess grow and turn to brass. Sad because, each day I watch her grow and know that I had the power to help, her angry soul would close the door.

And so your lonely bitter life begins, and though I cry pity! there are no ears to hear. There are no eyes to see.''

The 'journey' I was going through, was puberty, I had started my periods and was struggling. I had been consistently verbally and physically bullied from 6 at this point and although they didn't know, sexually assaulted/abused.

There is a poem also along the same lines.

I am jumping in a little lost but this is something I can not find closure on. Because it just says that I am bad.
SoLonely, I 'hated' my DS for awhile,..
I did perpetuate the cycle for a short while with my DS. as having had an isolated childhood and marrying a man very much like my Father, charming, likeable, funny intelligent, capable of equal measures of kindness and heart breaking cruelty, it was the language that I knew.
I am ashamed but so glad that whatever it was made me see how wrong it was happened so I could break the pattern.

And it was in realising how wrong I was being with my son, that I started to see the horror of how I was treated. By a man, who had a grudge against his sister from childhood.

And not long ago, he told me he loved me, even though I was shit

I am in counselling tonight.

Wishing you all light in your shadows, xx

I have asked for one post to be deleted it looks so wrong to be there twice

That letter is vicious. Why do you carry it with you?

So much pain in these threads, I wish we could all look after each other! I guess that's what we're doing in a virtual way.