I agree, Bookcase.
You said something very important when you popped your head round the door just now, imo, Briar. I feel it's definitely not a matter of "attracting" abusers but of tolerating them: I don't think we attract toxic people as such...I just think 'we' (the abused) give the toxic people more space in our lives than others do.
My self-serving mother constantly asked us to understand Dad. He was tired, insecure, unwell, worried, stressed, had a bad childhood ... all of this was true. But what she never said was "He's a sadistic psychopath and no-one should tolerate this abuse, especially you!" She taught me, very effectively, to understand sadistic psychopaths like him and anxious narcissists like herself. This, in itself, isn't a bad thing: too much for a child to learn, but my understanding of dangerous nutcases has saved my life a couple of times in adulthood.
But she also taught me to be accepting. There is still no difference, in her mind, between a reason for bad behaviour and an excuse. Thus, in asking me to understand why my father enjoyed beating the shit out of me, she also asked me to excuse him. And I had no choice. It took me a very long time to grow out of this confusion between reason and excuse. Throughout that time a colourful array of abusers found, in me, a naturally sympathetic listener ... who was ready to excuse their abuse. Of course they found me attractive. And of course I felt a special 'connection' with them.
After I'd started therapy, I began to see that my exceptional abilities for empathy, compassion and psychological insight applied only to certain sectors of society - the damaged. I actually had no insight at all into healthy minds, happy people or straightforward relationships. Putting this right has been the thrust of all my inner work since then (ten years and counting!!)
My knowledge is useful, though I'd rather not have acquired it. Everyone has a dark side. I have piercing insight into this - the dark side - along with unshockability and empathy. I'm very well equipped to harness the 'dark forces' in people for creative growth, and I know that is a rare & precious quality - one shared by us all here, I'd dare to guess. But I am only just beginning to walk on the bright side: it still takes conscious effort for me to remember the other side of the street is sunny! I was brought up to believe everyone, and everything, is damaged and dangerous. That's simply untrue. The lie still has a hold over me, though, and I make the choice to 'cross the street' with a sense of mistrust ... it's getting easier :)
A few weeks ago, I passed a little test. A man started talking about his violent childhood. He was waiting for some sympathy. Instead, I said "My dad did the same. That's why I'm in therapy." He lost interest. The 'old' me would have offered the sympathy, shared his pain ... and set myself up, all unknowing, for an extremely one-sided relationship.
Now he barely nods towards me 
He's a good-looking man, somewhat pompous & fascinated by himself. I'm sure he'll have found his emotional punchbag by now; I'm thankful it's not me!
Bit more of a ramle than I intended (again)! I wonder if it would be useful for us to share the little ways in which we're all becoming healthier, relationships-wise? I know mh has successfully batted a would-be controller out of her life. We deserve to clebrate our steps forward, don't we?