please help me get over this man

[bees474]

Name changed for this.
I am in a mess over this man.
We've been friends for a couple of years. He's an ex colleague. I'm married.
Please don't judge- I have a very very difficult marriage and I had NOT looked at this man as any kind of OM ever prior to this week. I know this is wrong.
Nothing's happened between us except for one very intense conversation at the start of this week where he told me that he loved me, 'mind, body and soul' and said that he felt a massive attraction, wished we'd met ten years before or that there was a way we could be together, etc. But we didn't kiss, and we didn't arrange to meet again.
He texted the next day and has sent messages each day since but no reiteration of feelings etc or agreement to meet again.
He's in a new relationship- ie of a couple of dates and has dated her again since the evening with me.
My head is spinning.
He's just fucking about with me isn't he?
I need to mend things with dh and stop thinking about him.
Why has he done this to me? I didn't even think about him in this way prior to this week and now I can't stop thinking about him. What does it all mean? Why would a man behave like this?
I feel such a twat :(

I think you need to think less about what it means / why hes said this ect , and more at why youve allowed that conversation to take place and allowed him to text you.

I think he is fucking about with you yes , its highly unlikeley he loves you like hes said , sounds like hes hoping for a shag . Id give him a wide birth and either focus on fixing your marriage or getting out of it.

You're right, need to hear this.
Why did I allow the conversation to take place? Don't know really, it didn't occur to me to put a stop to it. Curiosity? Wanting to hear that somebody wanted me (no sex with dh for over a year.......) I'm not sorry that I did let it take place. Well, actually, I am now, but not because I feel guilty about it, more because it's led to me feeling really really crap. AND I've lost a friend.

No , you havent lost a freind , youve lost a chancer who trys it on with married women behind his partners back. Does he know your marriage is crap by any chance ?

You sound a little bit vulnerable which wouldnt be surprsing considering the situation with your H , some men can sniff this out a mile away . I know it gets said a lot on here , but have you considered counselling , just for yourself to work out what you want to do with regards to your marriage ?

bees, dignified is right, he's just messing with you, and because you are unhappy in your marriage you've been floored by the attention and the declaration. It doesn't make you bad or silly, just fragile and in need of some moral support.

Why are things so bad with your DH, if you don't mind my asking?

You sound like you need to do some serious work on your relationship with your DH.

If I hadn't had sex for a year, I would be vulnerable to suggestions too

For what it's worth, I also think this man has just enjoyed the effect he's had on you. It's a power thing.
What's happened with your DH that means you've lost your sexual relationship with him?

X posts with everyone

DH and I are just very incompatible in every way, but especially sexually where he has zero interest and I am virtually the opposite. We argue all the time and basically just share the childcare and occupy the same house. When the dcs have gone to bed, we go to separate spaces in the house and get on with whatever. We both work full time too.
We've been back and forth on it a zillion times, including lengthy Relate stuff, and counselling on our own and together.
Married or not, I would have been attracted to the OM- ie whether I was happily single or feeling frustrated and unhappy. It was a friendly attraction, but only because when you're colleagues even thinking of anything else is not really on
'OM' doesn't know about any of this- ie the marriage stuff.
In all seriousness, what I really, really don't understand is this 'messing with' business. WHY would somebody say those things and not mean them? Why waste the time? What is the gain? It's not as if anything happened as a result of it. What is the mentality of the person doing that- do they just want to torture?? Is it just a man thing or do women do it too?

madabout it is absolutely a power thing and I think the only way out is to just not initiate or respond to any more contact.
God, that is going to be really, really hard.

Lots of people do this sort of thing , men and women , and i think its a power trip / ego thing. Usually theyre hoping for a shag but they also enjoy the power trip they get from getting you in a tizz .

Your marriage sounds very very shit to be honest , you deserve better.

Why are you and your DH still together, bees?

That is a very good question. I don't know. We never come to that final decision.
I think for the dcs, one thing we do both share is that we absolutely love and adore them and want them to have stability.
We could not really afford to live apart either- well, I suppose I could rent and so could he but this is not really ideal, neither of us could buy anywhere and the dcs would lose their home.
We also could not manage apart- ie I could not work- I have to leave at 6.30 am each day and I don't get back until 6.30 most evenings. DH has to do the school and nursery run. His hours are more flexible. So if we split the only way would be if he had the dcs all week, but that would be a nightmare for me, it would break my heart.
I suppose it never gets bad enough.
But obviously I seem to have been prepared to jeapordise everything with this OM.
I can see I have some real thinking to do here, but the problem is it is all I have ever thought about for years and I just keep ending up at square one.
I think part of me thought that if I just had an escape route for all this pent up sexual energy then I might be able to stay and feel calmer about it all.
TBH dh wouldn't care. I was in the pub with OM for six hours and he didn't seem to mind at all.

Do you think he would consider the prospect of an open marriage ? Sounds pretty bleak to me , i know its difficult with the dcs but sometimes we need to look at what we are modelling for them .

I was in a crap miserable marriage for years for similar reasons , no one benefited .

Dignified how did you get out of it?

I am certain dh would consider an open marriage. It may be the way forwards.

But I can see it would get me absolutely nowhere with this OM!!!

Things got worse and worse until it was unbearable and i kicked him out . The ridiculous thing is i always knew deep down , but there was the dcs , the mortgage , debts and a thousand other reasons. Plus i didnt want to be wrong ! But i always knew . I too was tempted many times as i was loneley , unfullfilled and usually ignored.

I beleive some people can have an open marriage and that it can work well , other times i think it can be baby steps out of an unhappy marriage . You,d have to consider the possibility of your H meeting someone else and possibly wanting to be with her full time .

Despite your work ect , there are ways round all this , you could both parent your dcs but seperateley . Admittedly this hasnt worked out for me as my ex is an arse , but still i wouldnt go back.

I really really regret those miserable years i spent in some misguided attempt at playing happy familys , ill never get them back.

Dignified so life has improved?

Do you think your dh was at fault, or you, or just a bad combination? I should never have got married in the first place.

I think in my case the arse in the relationship is me, not dh- he is loyal and good, just very locked up emotionally. I'm the one wanting to stray, always unsatisfied. It is just not enough- I mean, it is, I am very lucky in SO many ways. But I'm always so stirred up, so restless, it drives me mad. Hence the OM disaster.

Life has improved dramaticly. Finacially its a bit shit but me and the dcs are so much happier . I used to cry most days when no one was about and i had never felt so loneley in my life.

My ex h was childish , imature , selfish , emotionally abusive ect , and while i am not perfect , i am not those things.. I used to say to myself that i was lucky on many counts ect , utter bollocks , i was very UNlucky, have you ever heard of cognitice disconance ? I became well practised in that for many years !

You say hes locked up emotionally , that is not a minor issue at all. Dont we all want to be loved, accepted , listened to , to be emotionally intimate with our partners ? Its a basic right .

I had also unwittingly taken on the usual roles afforded to women in society , i cooked , cleaned , skivvied after him and always put everyone else before me .

I would seek counselling for yourself alone, Bees

Only when you've had a bit of rationale on the situation are you likely to see what effect this is having on you and what your true wants and needs are
In the meantime, be aware that you're radiating an "I need love and affection!" vibe like some sort of beacon. As has been said, there are some people who can smell this a mile off and you need to be wary of them - their interest is usually self-serving and you could get very hurt

MadAbout that is scary! But the getting very hurt has already happened.
WHY and HOW can men say all this bullshit? Do they believe it at the time? Never believe it? Say it deliberately?

Bees , your best bet would be to listen to what a man DOES as opposed to what he says , they are just words , thats all . He was claiming he loved you while dating someone else , not nice behaviour at all , but predatory shag type behaviour .

When i first seperated from my ex i had loads of guys try it on , mostly men i knew , some by flirting subtly , others by being outright , wrongly assuming i was vulnerable and loneley ect. It was really upsetting at the time .

Not as hurt as you would have been if you'd had a fling with this man and he'd dumped you, after telling you all this Refreshers

Just be thankful it didn't get that far
Hurt on top of hurt about the situation with your DH will just make you ill

Sounds like you need to calm down a bit, and get some inner strength through counselling.

I really appreciate this support, can't speak to anyone IRL really, as it compromises dh and that's not fair. Need firm resolve to keep away from 'OM'- you're telling me what I know deep down, but don't want to admit.

bees, it's your life. If you really want to throw yourself into something with this OM, then go ahead

However, the risk of making a fool of yourself, blowing open your situation at home, and getting tremendously hurt when this OM just uses you for sex whilst he continues to date his gf, is astronomically high
Don't say we didn't warn you

Really am NOT going to pursue OM. Would only make a further fool of myself. Just wonder how long it will take to get over the hurt. Feel SO low this weekend :(

You might feel a bit better if you do something for yourself?

Like resolving to get some counselling? That would put the incident with the OM (who has never been an OM really) into perspective

You do seem to be attributing too much importance to this bloke, and that says volumes about your general emotional state.

I'd seriously focus on the wider picture, and your general unhappiness with it. That's the only way you'll feel stronger in the future. Good luck with it Bees

Your probably feeling so hurt because youve had a little taste of what life should be like for you , how nice it felt to have someone show an interest ect. Hes simply a symptom of the underlying issues .