please help me get over this man

[bees474]

Name changed for this.
I am in a mess over this man.
We've been friends for a couple of years. He's an ex colleague. I'm married.
Please don't judge- I have a very very difficult marriage and I had NOT looked at this man as any kind of OM ever prior to this week. I know this is wrong.
Nothing's happened between us except for one very intense conversation at the start of this week where he told me that he loved me, 'mind, body and soul' and said that he felt a massive attraction, wished we'd met ten years before or that there was a way we could be together, etc. But we didn't kiss, and we didn't arrange to meet again.
He texted the next day and has sent messages each day since but no reiteration of feelings etc or agreement to meet again.
He's in a new relationship- ie of a couple of dates and has dated her again since the evening with me.
My head is spinning.
He's just fucking about with me isn't he?
I need to mend things with dh and stop thinking about him.
Why has he done this to me? I didn't even think about him in this way prior to this week and now I can't stop thinking about him. What does it all mean? Why would a man behave like this?
I feel such a twat :(

Yeah, it was a heady feeling alright... I guess there's no hope for even being friends in the future, which is such a shame, as prior to his making a move we were good friends and had a lot of laughs.

i don't know your marriage detials but it is certianly very powerful when someone suddenly turns your head, your mind and your heart over.

I think you are going to have to separate out all the elements.

The first is, what is going on in your own life, your home life. What is happening in your marriage.

I do think you should totally push this man and anything he has said to one side and think hard about your life. Not what has been said or felt ny this man or your reaction to it.

Becuase you are going to get really really hurt op. take it from one who has been to hell and back in the last few months.

talk here, and try and get help here.

I dont think the OM is saying this to hurt you or wind you up. i think he has persuaded himself that he DOES love you / worship you/whatever. and i dont blame you for " letting the conversation happen" when you are feeling so low in your marraige. Its very hard when your husband makes you feel so unloved and unwanted - how can you ignore a man who DOES love and want you?

sadly i agree with the other posters that this man is thinking with his d*. he has strong feelings towards you but they are not love, at least not in the mature adult sense of putting the other person first and doing what is in their interest.

i think that that you need to work out what you want in your marriage before you will be in a good place to make wise choices about a new / another relationhsip

even if he is the right person for you at soem point in the future, this is not the right time for you. you need to walk away

sorry

Pirate you are right.
I'm sorry to hear you have had a hard time- what happened?
You are so right to say I am attaching far too much importance to this person. I think he represents a lot of things I want more of in my life,
e.g. laughter, conversation, culture, whatever- and now, romance, or at least lust. Being with him is an escape from the drudge and loneliness of the domestic life. I know I should be less selfish, but the whole wife and mother thing makes me itch with restlessness after a while, I'm no good at it.

Kristina it is kind of heartening to hear you say that you think he did mean it. I think he did too- it was pretty intense and he has not been other than a really honest and reliable friend in the past. But yes, that doesn't mean it meant anything real anyway- he certainly doesn't know what love is in the non idealistic sense, that you know more about when you become a parent for example, or when someone you love is ill- ie love as much more than lust- the selflessness as you say.

Agree with Kristina. I don't know why everyone's so cynical, saying he just wants to get his leg over. Maybe he does love you.

Your marriage sounds in a pretty bad way in any case.

But the thing I think is odd is that you didn't consider your friend as anything more than a friend until he made his declaration. Surely therefore you don't really have any deep feelings for him yourself and you should be able to detach yourself from the situation? You don't have to respond in the same manner to him just because he's told you he loves you.

Why don't you try to leave the friend out of it for the moment and try to sort out with your husband whether your marriage is viable?

i didn't have any feelings for my 'friend' other than friendly ones until he declared that he thought alot of me and couldn't get me out of his head

It didn't take me very long to find feelings of my own for him. Yet as with all situations, when there is a marriage or someone is not availabel, it turns your life upside down. We all have the capacity to love and adore, what ever our situation. Thats why it is so confusing and it hurts.

op you can pm me if you think i'd be of any help.x

Pirate exactly- I mean I always liked him a lot, but it wasn't until he sent a strange text with an 'oh so meaningful' song lyric that it suddenly started to nag at me day and night. Then all this declaration stuff - and all from him, not me, yet I am the one feeling ashamed and embarrassed and weak. Now it's just this state of nothingness, no contact for three days now and I'm left thinking I dreamed it all altogether, that he doesn't really have these feelings at all. Which, I suppose, he doesn't after all really. And that's definitely for the best. So why I feel so lost I'm not sure, but as everyone has said, that takes me back to the place I need to be- looking at my marriage.
But I just feel he has behaved quite villainously really. And so have I.

you say
'I think he represents a lot of things I want more of in my life,
e.g. laughter, conversation, culture, whatever- and now, romance, or at least lust'

You totally deserve all those things.

And for what it's worth I think this OM, even if he feels genuine in what he's saying, sounds a bit teenage to me. It's very heady, something like that. Of course it is. But it's not reality - sharing a bathroom, chores, childcare, is it? It doesn't mean something much better doesn't exist for you, but if someone said that to me I would have a bit of a giggle once the intense feelings had passed, that he thought he could get into bed with me like that.

Bathbuns teenage is right, again, I think that's what's so appealing- because I'm not remotely grown up in my own attitudes to responsibility and the prospect of a bit of freedom and excitement is irresistable to me. Dh is the opposite, everything is duty, care, sensible, kind, routine, structured. With dcs and jobs that's the best way to be. But I hate it, it gets me down, I feel squashed and frustrated.. I am not grown up, and I have tried to make myself fit, and keep trying, but I just feel like a volcano all the time- mostly getting on with things and trying to be content, but bubbling under the surface all the time :(.

Bees , its not your fault at all , youve no reason to feel ashamed and embarressed , i think most of us would have been flattered in these circumstances . But nothing happened so no harm done . As for him , i think that first text was probably a tester to see if youd bite , considering he was dating while doing this its clear he is capable of being deceptive.

Something similar happened to me while i was married , and i obsessed over this person , i would even cry about it , in hindsight it was ridiculous but at the time i think it was a distraction from my horrible marriage. Stangeley enough now im single ive no desire to date and wouldnt touch that person with a barge pole !

Perhaps its time for a talk with your husband about where to go from here.

I think the only way forward is for us to separate, but I don't know how on earth that is going to work, since neither of us can move out. What on earth do people do in these circumstances?

bees if you are that unhappy, then maybe it is a thing to consider. There is no point feeling so unhappy.

I don't know how people do it. My husband left me, and moved in very quickly with a woman. I was left with dd, and i applied for housing bens, as ex dh wasn't prepared to help at all.

I don't think I could get HB as I work, but the mortgage needs both our wages so neither one of us could keep the dc's roof over their heads. DS is old enough to know all about it and it will destroy his world. And the worst thing is that I am STILL wishing the stupid twattish OM would text or call, which of course he won't. FFS, what a mess. If I could wave a magic wand and be back in love with dh I would, but years of resentment and unhappiness are just too much to get over. And it is so much worse to be in this situation again now because we've been here before, and been to bloody relate, so I know that it didn't work, and isn't worth attempting again.

bees -
Just over a year ago an OM turned my head when my marriage wasn't happy. It proved to be a catalyst. I have been to Relate and my DH and I have worked hard at making life happier for each other with each other. It's not perfect, but it's an awful lot better. It doesn't sound as if you were happy at home before this guy opened up to you..I think you should explore with a counsellor why you are so vulnerable to his attention, and how to repair your marriage. After all once upon a time you were happy with your DH, and it may not be too late to save it. I think staying in the situation you are now is not going to do any good for you in the long term.

London thanks for sharing your story- it gives me some hope. I am vulnerable, I think it stems from my dad somewhere back in the mists of time, but I feel like I've done that one to death in counselling before and at least I'm aware of it now.
I so desperately wish I could fix it with dh

FWIW, I think when you only start having feelings for someone, in response to their feelings for you, it is not the person you have become addicted to, but the feelings themselves. There is a big distinction.

So you need to work out how to get those feelings and needs met. If that's not going to be in your marriage, then it really is best to separate and not complicate this with infidelity. That path would only make you feel worse, lose your self-respect and confuse why you are really leaving your marriage.

Treat it as a wake-up call to either try something different in your marriage, or call time on it. I would also add that Relate aren't the be-all and end-all of relationship therapy. Some of their counsellors are awful and some are very good. Don't forget private practitioners, who are often much better than Relate.

If you do desperately want to fix it with DH as you say, then that is half the battle. Sometimes people really want out - rather than to fix what has gone wrong. I understand from your history of counselling that you might think you are going over old ground, but the lack of sex in a marriage and your very separate existences under the same roof are pushing you both further apart and somehow you need to learn to communicate. I found the counselling useful in laying bare my feelings and talking about them. In a way it validated them before I started talking to my DH - like you, we were leading increasingly isolated and separate lives from each other and my self esteem was pretty low.
Very good luck. Just don't sit and do nothing!

Just seen that so called OM has posted on his fb page that he's had a 'fabulous last few days' ie while I have been hurting and agonising... I should block him, shouldn't I?

ooh tough one.

that hurt didn't it. i would yes. It's wholly unfait of him to say those things to you then write that tbh. You have to protect your feelings here.

His attention has unleashed the unhappiness in your situation.

Well since I hate Facebook, I'm bound to say "yes", but really, I don't think it's about this bloke, I think it's about the feelings he's evoked, that's all. Reduce his importance and his power - it's not about him, it's about you.

Shit.... HOW can I reduce his importance and power?? I feel just woeful- he's surely doing it on purpose to hurt me- why???

He probably isn't doing this deliberately, but he does sound like a player. He possibly doesn't think you'd be necessarily poring over his FB updates, or maybe he does, but it doesn't matter.

What do you really think he represents? It's not as though you'd even thought of him in that way until he declared his feelings for you. This really isn't about him at all. If you work that one out, you will see that in reality, any man whom you wouldn't have been repulsed by, could have had the same effect on you. Don't let someone have that much power over who you choose to have a relationship with - and deal with your primary relationship first and foremost.

i don't know bees.

Ok, i thought, right he's been up fornt with his declaration to you, that's come from somewhere. Like, ok maybe he just had to tell you. I am way too trusting of people's intentions sometimes, yet i do give people the benefit of the doubt becuase feelings are a big deal.

Yet now you have said this i do feel annoyed that he's put something that he knows you will see. It's cack.

So i'm guessing he means he had a great few days with his partner?

How was it left after your mammoth talk bees?

It was just left totally up in the air. He texted a lot the next day but it was quite glib stuff, eg thanks for the eve, but no mention of anything. He didn't respond to anything in a way that suggested he was remotely interested in continuing the conversation as it had been, ie so heartfelt and intense. It was essentially a massive retreat- lots of texts and immediate responses for a couple of days, then nothing at all. Tends to lead to the thought that it was all utter bullshit- except that if I think myself back to the pub and the converstaion, it really wasn't like that, it was massively intense and very genuine- we were in there for about six hours and it was a very wide ranging conversation that went over the history of the friendship, our careers, childhoods, hopes and dreams...loads of things.