please help me get over this man

[bees474]

Name changed for this.
I am in a mess over this man.
We've been friends for a couple of years. He's an ex colleague. I'm married.
Please don't judge- I have a very very difficult marriage and I had NOT looked at this man as any kind of OM ever prior to this week. I know this is wrong.
Nothing's happened between us except for one very intense conversation at the start of this week where he told me that he loved me, 'mind, body and soul' and said that he felt a massive attraction, wished we'd met ten years before or that there was a way we could be together, etc. But we didn't kiss, and we didn't arrange to meet again.
He texted the next day and has sent messages each day since but no reiteration of feelings etc or agreement to meet again.
He's in a new relationship- ie of a couple of dates and has dated her again since the evening with me.
My head is spinning.
He's just fucking about with me isn't he?
I need to mend things with dh and stop thinking about him.
Why has he done this to me? I didn't even think about him in this way prior to this week and now I can't stop thinking about him. What does it all mean? Why would a man behave like this?
I feel such a twat :(

sophiebbb, popzie et al, it's been really helpful for me to read your posts. Don't mean to hijack here and actually I've been talking for some months about my OM and my emotional affair on a separate thread [Is it possible to have affair but stay happily attached? etc]. Anyway, I just want to say it's a strange comfort to see other people have been through or are going through similar struggles. Not that I really wish it on anyone else. I'm not doing too well right now because I can't cut the contact with OM. Not yet, anyway. Anyway bees sorry to hijack and good luck to you all.
MMx

Hello MabelMay - yes I have been following your thread. There have been a few recently and I agree how helpful it is to read about similar situations. It makes me feel a bit more 'normal' again and that other people really do know the turmoil I have put myself through.

I do really feel as if I am coming out of it though and I reiterate what so many other people have said - it is the no contact that helps.

Funnily enough OM contacted me again today and I didn't take the bait. I simply replied politely. And then he started to push it again with me. But again I stood my ground and finished the conversation. Feeling so good about that tonight. Finally - no more of those addictive highs - went through that for 6 months.

So I and many others on here are proof that it is possible to cut it off and get over the addiction.

Shit, shit, shit, shit..... we were back in touch, I went to his house last night- we talked, talked, then kissed and kissed and kissed and so, so nearly had sex.. it's a disaster, I know I am going to get a flaming, it's well deserved, I'm so hurt and in so much pain now- it can never be, but I love him. I just want to curl up in a hole, I wish I could say because I am ashamed, but I'm NOT ashamed, and I should be

And I just want him so much, and wish I was back there with him

I could say walk away now, keep your dignity intact.

I could. But there's no point. I was where you are now about a year ago and if I'm honest nothing could have stopped me.

All I will do is tell you that I had to hold my dh in my arms at 2am the other morning while he sobbed his heart out over what I've done.

I'll tell you that there's a man out there who knows more about my marriage than anyone should ever know, and I have to live with that knowledge every day.

I'll tell you I can no longer look at my kids with unbridled joy - there's always a tinge of guilt about what I've done to their little family.

I'll tell you that I can't bear to look at photos of myself as a child, as I've pissed all over that little girl's hopes and dreams for the future.

It won't stop you. But it might prepare you for what's coming.

oh bees i thought you might have been back in contact because of the few days of silence...

Of course I'm not going to give you a flaming as I would be the worst kind of hypocrite if I did. I completely empathise.

You're not feeling ashamed now because all you can think about are the amazing feelings that this OM is giving you. It feels so right, right, right doesn't it?

Except it isn't, is it?

And even that pain in your heart which is telling you "it can never be" is almost a good feeling... because it's all so intense.

All I can say, bees, as I did before, is that I feel both your pleasure and your pain and I'm sending you (((hugs))) and strength and all the rest for the future - because you're going to need it.

What did the OM say then?

You know that this is only going to end in tears, don't you?

I too have been back in touch with OM so I know how bloody hard these things are to stop when you're completely caught up in the "love" you believe you feel, and probably do.

How did it get to you being back in touch with him?

It's a nightmare.
It was me, I saw him in his car and texted him
He invited me over, what can I say, I went.
He told me he loves me (again), wants me so much, oh music to my ears..... He said, oh we can't, we'll destroy each other, blah blah but you're so beautiful, blah blah
But he also said how he likes his new girlfriend so much, thinks she could be 'the one' blah blah.
Toxic, toxic.
Totally addictive
I feel ILL with it.. I can't even think in a straight line

Oh god, you're me.

Walk away, walk away, walk away.

The friends I confided in were so understanding.

How I wish one of them had given me a slap and told me to get a grip.

This is worth nothing. I know you think you two have something special, if only you'd met before, this is so right it can't be wrong, etc etc etc.

Listen, so does everyone else in the world who has had an affair.

Once it's over, you will feel such a fool. If this bloke loved you, he would NOT WANT YOU TO FUCK UP YOUR LIFE.

Please don't be me. PLEASE.

You feel like a million dollars now. When the shit hits the fan, you will feel ugly inside and out. I know - I'm living it.

oh god bees if he's telling you his girlfriend could be 'the one' then walk away now! He sounds like the worst kind of player.

But I know no amount of warnings here will stop you right now, as onandup says. They didn't stop me.

I promise to be here to hold your hand when the shit hits the fan.

onandup - jinx!

Yup MM

I'd do anything to stop her.

It's so hard

Exactly mabel and oneandup there's no point in wondering what the fuck he is playing at, he just wants to have his cake and eat it, is all.
I know I have to walk away.
I will do it, once I get myself back together.
I just want to weep and weep when I remember how it felt to be with him, to have his hands in my hair, to be kissing.. I am SO sex starved, frankly
Why does he keep saying that he loves me? Why???

HOW can he think she could be "the one" and then do this. Really I don't understand. I got the same by the way. Simply do not understand.

actually onandup i was thinking we must have typed the words "when the shit hits the fan" around about the same time.

and, yes, you're totally right

He means she's the one to start a family with- he wants to have children, a wife, etc.But she rang while I was there and he just spoke to her as if he was alone. It was shitty, really shitty- but I didn't feel for her- I just hate her, I'm jealous of her.
I am feeling a lot of really really shabby feelings.
And I really literally cannot think straight, I can't concentrate on anything, I can barely eat. I just want to be with him.

He wants to have a marriage and children, does he?

But he's prepared to let a woman he 'loves' fuck her own up for the sake of a shag?

He's a snake, love.

Believe me, I've been there.

Please benefit from my hindsight.

YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS AND IT"S NOT TOO LATE TO PROVE IT.

bee- walk away, don't text, don't answer the phone.... save yourself, while you can.

he is a predator, talked to her like he was alone? doesn't that tell you something? if he can lie to her that way, how do you know he is not lieing to you?

then do what youy may with your marriage, but stay away from that man...

Sophiebbb what did he do?
I think he just loves the idea of being in love. He's quite right, if we were really together it would probably kill us both, we're very very similar people, both TOTALLY toxic I think. We deserve each other! We belong together in our selfish, egocentric world!!

My OM used to turn off his phone when his wife rang and he was with me. I smiled indulgently.

Imagine how that feels when I'm turning it over in my mind at 2am.

Not great.

I want to stay away from him. I need to. I have to, but I really can't say I wouldn't go back there and do it all again

bee- you are not toxic, and you do not deserve what is to come.

Oh onandup it's just so SHIT... I didn't smile indulgently, I knew how off it was.. but it didn't stop me, and I wish I could say it had.

Stop it!!

Stop casting yourself as the same as him! Stop saying you belong together, as if it's some romantic fairytale!

I used to do this. We belong together, soulmates, yada yada.

Then I told him my dh knew, and he started to physically sweat, panic and all but ran away, spinning me some bullshit about his wife being ill.

This from a man who sobbed, told me he'd never loved anyone like he loved me, needed me in his life, I was very, very beautiful, blah blah rawl rawl.

BULLSHIT.

HE WAS AFTER AN EGO STROKE AND A SHAG.

HE WAS A WANKER.

SO WAS I.

DON'T BE LIKE US.

I knew it was off, too, bees.

I told him it made me feel like shit.

Then smiled indulgently, because that was my role in the script.

I made him feel good. That was my job.

He made me feel good. That was his.

Now I feel like shit.

NOT WORTH IT.

Aaaaaaarrrrrrrrrgggggggghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HOW can I get back on track? How?? I just crave the physical feel of him, that's all, he is so tall and broad, ruddy and strong... completely the opposite to dh, so full of vitality, and lust- he WANTS me- dh hasn't wanted me for bloody years.