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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

please help me get over this man

293 replies

bees474 · 29/10/2010 19:07

Name changed for this.
I am in a mess over this man.
We've been friends for a couple of years. He's an ex colleague. I'm married.
Please don't judge- I have a very very difficult marriage and I had NOT looked at this man as any kind of OM ever prior to this week. I know this is wrong.
Nothing's happened between us except for one very intense conversation at the start of this week where he told me that he loved me, 'mind, body and soul' and said that he felt a massive attraction, wished we'd met ten years before or that there was a way we could be together, etc. But we didn't kiss, and we didn't arrange to meet again.
He texted the next day and has sent messages each day since but no reiteration of feelings etc or agreement to meet again.
He's in a new relationship- ie of a couple of dates and has dated her again since the evening with me.
My head is spinning.
He's just fucking about with me isn't he?
I need to mend things with dh and stop thinking about him.
Why has he done this to me? I didn't even think about him in this way prior to this week and now I can't stop thinking about him. What does it all mean? Why would a man behave like this?
I feel such a twat :(

OP posts:
dignified · 31/10/2010 20:05

Im with WWIFN on this , its probably the feelings your into , not him personally ,as said before , its possible any man who was remoteley attracted couldve had this effect on you.

See him for what he is , a chancer , and a liar , and be thankfull your not in the position his poor girlfreind is. Are you possibly creating a welcome distraction ? It seems odd that you are agonizing over this little turd when there are much more important things for you to worry about.

Monty100 · 31/10/2010 20:06

Bees - I have a wee bit of experience of someone like this too. Kick him to the kerb, you are feeling shit because he has insulted your own integrity.

Sorry if abrupt. Will be back.
Hold your head up where it belongs and don't let this man bring you down to his level. Grrr.

dignified · 31/10/2010 20:10

Bees , its a common retreat tactic , favoured by players and wankers , push you, pull you . Its designed to entice you in further and have you wondering whats going on. Works well doesnt it.

Its my bet that if you dont acknowledge him or mention it he will contact you again soon for round two.

Original poster
bees474 · 31/10/2010 20:12

Well I don't fancy round two because I know I'll just fall for it all over again, so how best to give him the swerve?

OP posts:
Monty100 · 31/10/2010 20:13

Dignified - yy excellently put. [hangry]

Reeling you in, reeling you in. Grr

(Grrs are at om not you Bees).

Original poster
bees474 · 31/10/2010 20:17

How, how do I stop this? I would just love a teeny scrap of his attention- feel like an addict, I need it to make me feel OK, valid, noticed whatever......... aaaaarrrggh- just block him? Or is that just attention seeking? Mentally block him may be better. But what about when he post pics of her or whatever...
WHY would he do this to me, WHY?
:(

OP posts:
Original poster
bees474 · 31/10/2010 20:18

Good God, what if I had kissed him or slept with him and he was being like this?

OP posts:
PirateScaredyCat · 31/10/2010 20:21

tbh, i think i would have my say then block him. a text or a fb message.

i don't know what i'd say tho.

actually, you know what, leave it, don't block, don't do ANYTHING. give your self 24 hrs to calm down. honestly, it works.

PirateScaredyCat · 31/10/2010 20:22

but whats he being like bees.? think, think !!

who text last, do you feel like you've been abandoned?

if so it's resonating form a past exp. i have been there. my father, my husband. my om when i hadn't heard from him.

Monty100 · 31/10/2010 20:27

Bees - listen to Pirate and everyone else.

You're being reeled in.

Please try and put him out of your head at least for tonight and get a perspective on this tomorrow.

I'd say he's a player and jumping at what he sees as an opp for a shag quite frankly.

Original poster
bees474 · 31/10/2010 20:29

Yes, I made the last effort to contact him- chat on fbk. It was OK, not great- he was evasive for sure.

The abandonment/ rejection from past experience is easy- when my dad told me he'd fought for custody of my sister but not for me (when I was twelve)

The thing is that even if in a few months we were to meet for a drink or whatever again, it would never be the same- ie it's pretty obv. that we are not friends, that he holds me in contempt, so where's the mileage in keeping it going?

OP posts:
dignified · 31/10/2010 20:30

Bees , if he contacts you i simply wouldnt mention it at all , pretend it didnt happen . If he mentions it ( and he might , to pull you back in ) breezily laugh it off as a laugh and then say something loveley about your husband.

I think the fact your feeling like this ( addicted , need him to validate you ect ) is a MASSIVE warning sign about his charecter . Does he remind you of anybody ?

Monty100 · 31/10/2010 20:40

Dignified I agree.

This is a massive revelation about his character. Honing in on a married woman.

dignified · 31/10/2010 20:44

Bees , does he tend to have lots of women freinds ? I think the reality is that this is unlikeley to have been the first time hes done something like this . Hes obviously got poor boundarys in all areas .

Are you now feeling that you need to reset the balence ? Do you feel hes got something of yours ?

Original poster
bees474 · 31/10/2010 20:47

yes exactly dignified

OP posts:
Original poster
bees474 · 31/10/2010 20:48

It's the fact that he is laughing at me that is the killer. That I am just a twatty little fan.
Awful.

OP posts:
Monty100 · 31/10/2010 20:49

Bees - he crossed a line. Shove him back over and he has nothing of yours.

Original poster
bees474 · 31/10/2010 20:49

He's definitely quicker witted and kind of more macho/impactful than dh, but he is in no way the better person.

OP posts:
Original poster
bees474 · 31/10/2010 20:50

So I need a plan. I am certainly going to speak to dh.
Regarding OM: Do something or do nothing?

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 31/10/2010 20:55

do nothing

keep your dignity

he is not worth the shit on your shoe

if you react, you make him more significant than he really is, and will certainly stroke his ego

silence is the best message

Monty100 · 31/10/2010 20:58

Silence is volume.

If he persists, laugh at him.

dignified · 31/10/2010 21:07

Do nothing bees , and dont forget , he doesnt know how you think or feel about it , dont let him either , your feelings and thoughts are yours and they belong to you only.

I think we often feel like this when we have allowed someone to cross a boundry with us , whether its someone like this turd , or someone being rude in the supermarket ect. I often find myself stewing about stuff afterwards wishing id said this or that and fantasizing about encountering them again , but really , i am cross with myself for allowing them to intrude across whatever boundry.

Silence is very very powerfull . And hes not necessarily laughing at you , how could he ? You havent slept with him , or begged to see him or done anything foolish . Its him that looks a twat , trying it on with a married woman behind his girlfreinds back !

Original poster
bees474 · 31/10/2010 21:26

No, I haven't begged to see him... but I expect he gathered I wouldn't mind Blush

Dignified that is very reassuring. He doesn't know, not for sure, not at all. I mean, he doesn't care either, but at least he'll never know.

I am so so grateful for the support I have had on this thread - thank god for mumsnet, I would have sent him at least one message today, and that would have been all wrong. Wise counsel :)

Next time someone tells me they love that little bit of hair that dangles over my eye, that they feel they could just fall in to me blah blah blah I will know it for the stinking bullshit it is!

OP posts:
ScaryFucker · 31/10/2010 21:27

"fall into me" ????

fuck, he needs binning forthwith just for that statement

what a twat

Original poster
bees474 · 31/10/2010 21:33

PMSL Scary

It was better than 'Have you paid the credit card bill?' or 'Do you think dc1 has got nits?'

Admittedly, not much better

OP posts: