please help me get over this man

[bees474]

Name changed for this.
I am in a mess over this man.
We've been friends for a couple of years. He's an ex colleague. I'm married.
Please don't judge- I have a very very difficult marriage and I had NOT looked at this man as any kind of OM ever prior to this week. I know this is wrong.
Nothing's happened between us except for one very intense conversation at the start of this week where he told me that he loved me, 'mind, body and soul' and said that he felt a massive attraction, wished we'd met ten years before or that there was a way we could be together, etc. But we didn't kiss, and we didn't arrange to meet again.
He texted the next day and has sent messages each day since but no reiteration of feelings etc or agreement to meet again.
He's in a new relationship- ie of a couple of dates and has dated her again since the evening with me.
My head is spinning.
He's just fucking about with me isn't he?
I need to mend things with dh and stop thinking about him.
Why has he done this to me? I didn't even think about him in this way prior to this week and now I can't stop thinking about him. What does it all mean? Why would a man behave like this?
I feel such a twat :(

Saggy It was a good night out, and I think I converted my friend to the godlike genius of David Byrne, but it made me sad too- he wasn't there, but he'd have really enjoyed the film and it is so so stupid that the friendship was ruined by a couple of stupid weeks of stupidity, cos otherwise I could have gone with him and we'd have had a lot of fun. Grr! Mad situation!!!!
I know what you mean about one step forward saggy. still, all we can do is just to keep taking steps

Hello all

Lovely to hear how you are getting on.

bees474 - wow he wasn't there. Don't know how you managed to walk in and risk that - but well done.

saggy - sorry to hear your story. It is made worse by him actually asking you to leave and be with him and then changing his mind. But in some ways you should look at it as a positive thing for 2 reasons:

1. He is a pretty good guy for actually stopping it with you and giving it a go with his wife. It hurts but at least he is not lying to his wife still and is respecting her and you. My OM didn't do that and actually I have less respect for him that he carried on contacting me even though he kept telling me he wanted to stay with his gf.

1. It helps you move on. Again, I would go for a week or so of no contact and be picking myself up when OM would poke me again with contact. It was pretty mean as he didn't want me but didn't want to let me move on either. Again not nice.

So in some ways your OM is behaving in a good way. I know it hurts though.

bigregrets, mabelmay - how are you?

S

Update: heard yesterday that he got engaged at xmas and due to marry in May.
I'm OK.... collapses quietly in heap!

I wonder how everyone esle here is getting on these days?

I had a long time where things were ok and I was moving on. I mailed OM a little light email and got an odd one back about the sunset, with a qu about work at the end. I mailed back in response, all above board, but then nothing...

Then I weirdly went through a week where I crossed OM on the road every single day- horrible, as each time I saw his car apporach the chest pain would just lurch up and burn.

At the end of that week I met an ex colleague who told me that OM is due to marry in May, having proposed just after xmas to 'the one'

Well, I was OK about this, but then this week it began to really hurt again and I found myself very tearful. :(

Met up with another ex colleague yesterday, who was close to both of us. I told her what had gone on and she said she was amazed by OM's treatment of me-apparently he had often told her (before anything happened of course) that he loved me, and on one occasion, even that he 'knew we couldn't be together now, but that he would wait for me until we were both old!' She said he had pursued me relentlessly and that he had known he was doing it all along. He had said to her that he wondered if I was confused by his attentions towards me but that he just wanted to be close to me.

So despite the fact that I know it is entirely all in the past, that OM has moved on altogether and all of that, I am still feeling a bit self indulgent this evening and a bit weepy with my glass of wine. Would appreciate some hand holding/ a slap :(

:(
so rubbish to still feel like this, pathetic really

bees- just didn't want this to go unnoticed.

Really sorry- no help but sort of been there a long time back, and got the T shirt- it's crap.

Your "mistake" was to make contact again- easy I know but doesn't help.

Just keep reminding yourself what a bastard he was to treat you like that- and he may well do so again to someone else.

Chin up- smile

He's got engaged very quickly!

Hope you are ok OP

it ws not fair for him to try and woo you like that when you're a married woman. He should have had some respect for the fact that you are married. He doesn't have morals, he's bad news.
Tell him you don't appreciate what he said because it was way innapropriate.

Thanks for replying, the whole thing at the time made me feel I was going mad, and to have it all churned up again in the last couple of weeks made me feel very strange indeed, a reawakening of all that pain.
Marriage! His starting, mine ending. Unbelievable!

I don't want to obsess forever about this, but it's the bafflement that is keeping me obsessed.
I know why I did what I did and I have to deal with that still, what I don't know is why he did what he did.
If his feelings weren't genuine, it should be no skin off his nose to be polite and normal now
If they were how can he be getting married to someone else?
If he didn't like me at all, why play that game and waste the time?
If he wanted to keep my friendship, why doesn't he want to be friends?
Baffled. Supposed to be working at computer at the moment, but just can't concentrate.

oops italics gone mad!

Sounds to be like he is commitment phobic. He commits to people far too early but then can't see things through to a proper relationship. Typical characteristics are being interested in people already in relationships and proposing to people very fast before real feelings can develop. Try reading this book and see if you recognise him:

www.amazon.co.uk/Men-Who-Cant-Love-Commitmentphobic/dp/0871319993/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1300622024&sr=8-1

thanks nursblade I am having a bad morning here, so good to get a response. But how come if he is commitment phobic he is happy to commit to her?

bees- this is really, really tough- but the only true answer is he's just not that into you as you would want to believe.

I know this is so hard to accept- believe me, I have been there. ( you are welcome to PM me).

The fact is that you are/were married when you met. That complicates it all enormously. In some ways you were "safe" for him- he could flirt but it never had to go anywhere.

He may well be on a rebound thing- impossible to say- or just ready for something very uncomplicated.

IME guys often end long term or intense relationships for all kinds of reasons, then hook up with the first available woman who comes along who likes them.

Not much comfort, I know- but thinking of you.

He hasn't really committed to her. He's got engaged to someone in a hurry. Similar to Simon Cowell, I bet the wedding never happens. He likes the idea of being in love/a relationship not the reality.

cabbage exactly- he doesn't care for me. Now, it's how to get on and deal with that one- as a lot of my self worth seems to have ended up bound up in it and I seem unable at the moment to see him for what he really is.

nurseblade it's the lot though- engagement, house, kids- he's a man in a hurry.
How can I move on with no closure..

bees- I haven't read all the recent posts so if you want to PM me do- or give me a brief update here.

'nurseblade it's the lot though- engagement, house, kids- he's a man in a hurry.
How can I move on with no closure..'

and yet 4 months ago he was madly in love with you. I'm surprised his new fiancee isn't worried about how fast things have moved.

What will give you closure? Can you arrange to meet him for a final chat if you think it will help?

tricky- I would love to put it to rest, but I think a) he would ignore any message asking to chat
b) last time I walked into the pub for a final chat, my heart just went to liquid- it could just muddy the waters more.

Hi, have read your thread and in some ways can relate to it - I had a similar situation post marriage and obsessed over it like you have and found it hard to get over. This will seem harsh but a friend gave me a similar wake up conversation that finally snapped me out of it. The reality is that you won't ever know what he was thinking - BUT don't think about his words, look at his actions. You didn't have a real relationship with him, it was only in the flirting stage. He decided not to go for it but confusingly left his options open.

He doesn't want a friendship with you - since he know your feelings for him are strong and currently he is focussing on his new g/f.

He is a symptom of the problems in your relationship and life, you are a new'ish mum (young baby) and have a demanding job. That's tough and you are craving attention. Please do consider counselling for you - find out what it is in life you want. This OM has given you an insight into what you want in a partner BUT he isn't the right guy for you. Forget him, I know it's hard to do but don't allow yourself to think of him.

Soon after I recovered from the 'wrong' man I met DH and he was everything I had wanted. He was loving and attentive, completely committed to me from the beginning. If your husband is not the man for you give yourself time to heal and then the right man who does want to commit to you will come along.
Did you marry for husband at an early age?

Smum99 such good advice.
Yes, well I didn't marry early I met my husband early- just at end of university. He is older. I feel generally very restless, the more that ties me down the more part of me wants to escape, at least partially. I am in some ways so different now to the way I was then, and I don't love my dh any more. Not really.
But that is very hard to admit and even harder to do something about.
As for the so called OM the actions certainly spoke a lot louder than the words! And still do!

Bees I'm so sorry to see that you are still feeling so bad about your situation. I have followed your thread since it started because I am in a very similar position myself.
I know what turmoil you are going through and how obsessed it makes you feel. I assume you are going over every single conversation/ text message in your mind, like I have done and think "why did I get it so wrong?" and "how can he just walk away from this so easily?", "did he ever care for me or was it all in my imagination?"
The thing that hurts the most is not knowing and never getting closure on the situation, but I guess that's where you do have to take a reality check and accept that for the OM it is over and that's final, so move on. I know it feels impossible at the moment but hopefully the pain will go eventually like everyone says and you will soon feel happy again.
Are you seeing a counsellor? I am, and it is really helping me take a long hard look at what I want out of life.
Anyway, hope you're having a better day today. Lots of people are here to support you.

many many thanks one I think I do need to churn it over with a counsellor and that is the next step. Yes, it's all the whys and hows that are unanswered that make it so difficult.
Just feel very lost about everything at present.

It doesn't help that everytime you turn on the radio it's Adele singing Someone Like You, either!
I know how you're feeling, that lost, empty feeling. My counsellor said that my affair with OM had pulled me away from everything that had previously been safe and secure to me, then just abandoned me out at sea, so to speak, floundering and not knowing how to get back to the shore. It made sense when she said it, not sure if that sounds right!
It's definitely good to talk to someone totally unbiased and anonymous. You should look into it.