please help me get over this man

[bees474]

Name changed for this.
I am in a mess over this man.
We've been friends for a couple of years. He's an ex colleague. I'm married.
Please don't judge- I have a very very difficult marriage and I had NOT looked at this man as any kind of OM ever prior to this week. I know this is wrong.
Nothing's happened between us except for one very intense conversation at the start of this week where he told me that he loved me, 'mind, body and soul' and said that he felt a massive attraction, wished we'd met ten years before or that there was a way we could be together, etc. But we didn't kiss, and we didn't arrange to meet again.
He texted the next day and has sent messages each day since but no reiteration of feelings etc or agreement to meet again.
He's in a new relationship- ie of a couple of dates and has dated her again since the evening with me.
My head is spinning.
He's just fucking about with me isn't he?
I need to mend things with dh and stop thinking about him.
Why has he done this to me? I didn't even think about him in this way prior to this week and now I can't stop thinking about him. What does it all mean? Why would a man behave like this?
I feel such a twat :(

I KNOW- that Adelle song is a total bastard!!!
Also, for some reason, radio 2 are ALWAYS playing a song that is really old, by Thin Lizzy, from the 70s, and has this man's new fiancee's name in it. 'When you came in my life, you changed my world, my (OM's gf's name)'
AAAAAARRRGGGHHH
And if it's not Adelle or bloody Thin Lizzy on the radio then it's Mumford and Sons coming up on shuffle on my ipod.
I SO wish I didn't have to drive to work for an hour an da half every day, past his house twice, listening to all these songs- torment!!!

Forgive me for not really getting it, but did you have a full blown affair with this man or not? Maybe I am being insensitive ( have only read bits of your thread bees,) but why are you finding it so hard to get beyond?

bees- some dead simple advice- play your own CDs and avoid wallowing in the sad songs!

Can you take a different route to work too?

You might like to try some basic NLP exercises, similar to CBT- when you start thinking of him, zap it- and think af something else. anything. even what you are going to cook for tea or how much ironing you have got.

part of getting over is re-training your brain to think of other things.

As i siad, I have got the T shirt you have a while back. no easy answer. but what I found was telling myself that yes, these things had happened, yes it was horrible, BUT it was my choice how to react. he was not having that control.

I could choose to be philosphical, or wallow. I could choose to put it down to experience or cry.

Once you start taking carge of your own thoughts and behaviour, it gets easier.

promise.

OMG,my OM's W has the same name as the Thin Lizzy song too. And I also have to drive past his house on my way to work, thankfully not every day though. Just turn off the radio or listen to Radio 4, I guess, no chance of hearing any sentimental old crap there! TBH any song I listen to at the moment seems to have some sort of hidden meaning.
cabbageroses advice seems very good and worth listening to.

Yes cabbages thanks, I had been really making good progress doing all those things until I heard of his engagement a couple of weeks ago and that's what set me back to square one- NOT really because I want him, not at ALL! Just because it dredged it all back up and the hurt resurfaced.

Aisling no, never a full blown affair ie we didn't have sex, which I am more than glad of. I think your qu was really helpful and had a long think. It's hard to get past because:

• it's tied up with the death of my marriage, which is an ongoing nightmare
• OM is virtually the opposite of dh in alll ways, both good and bad
• We were good friends, or I thought we were, and I miss the laughter and conversation, and having him as an ally
• He claimed to be madly in love with me, then fucked off, which I don't understand

-He begged to stay friends and said I was one of his closest friends, then when I offered friendship just ignored it!

• As soon as I showed any signs of returning his feelings he ran for the hills and binned me off, which I find hurtful

-He's at the outset of his journey into love, marriage, children, buying a house etc and I am coming ouit of the other side of that, so I suppose I feel kind of envious and a bit bitter and twisted..

• He woke feelings up in me that I thought I didn't really have any more
• I don't really understand what happened, and have never experienced rejection before like this. Rejection as a friend hurst the most.

-Feel a fool, like I missed something obvious somewhere. Phew!

one Thin Lizzy- bastards!!

Thank you Bees. Don't want to be insentive. The advice you're getting here is good. It is, quite simply, about the feelings OM awakens not about him really, if you did manage to cross all osbacles annd be with him it would ,likely, not work out.Because he'not that special, just a fantasy.
P.S; LOVE Thin Lizzy and have seen them live ( now that is giving away my age!) Phil L. winked at me and gave me his scarf!(I was 17!)

Awful spelling, sorry!

bees Keep reading what cabbages wrote about not letting OM have control over you anymore, it really hit home with me.

'Once you start taking charge of your own thoughts and behaviour, it gets easier. promise.'

That made me really think, this man has taken over my life for the past 7 months and even though the affair is over he is still controlling my life! Ironically, my OM criticised my own DH for having control issues with me but he was the one who had to have the power over me and wanted me to be at his beck and call. He ended it when his own feelings became 'uncontrollable'. (Sorry too much use of the word control!)

Even though it's best to try and block the thoughts when they enter your head, if you do start thinking about OM, think about all the things about him that are annoying and probably would've driven you mad. I'm sure he has plenty of faults! My OM certainly did. Allow yourself to think about it for a short while and then try to distract yourself with some other thought. Yesterday, I had to give myself a big pat on the back when I think I went for a whole 2 hours without thinking about him!

Also try to think of some uplifting, empowering songs to listen to - but not Gloria Gaynor's I Will Survive!!! Any suggestions welcome!

Would any of you ladies mind having a look at my "need a slap" thread? I've lurked on this thread for ages, so much of it rings true, and I could do with some help.

Sorry for hijack, I don't know if this is bad MN form.

Thanks.

P.S. Aisling So cool about the Phil Lynott wink and scarf! Lucky you!

bees- I do understand- truly. I am not going t tell my story here but believe me it was every bit as sad as yours- and went on for longer.

Like you, I had no closure. Like you, I was told I was a close friend and cared for deeply.

I can only think- and this is for us both!- that the words friends and cared for and love were not really sincere. Maybe they were at the time- for a few minutes.

I went through the same agonies of what did I do or say to make the person turn against me- or rather ignore me, whilst strongly denying he was ignoring me!

I have had to accept that i will never know what wwent on his head though I have my suspicions. I suspect that in my case- and maybe yours- I was a target for a man who was in need of a huge ego stroke, when it suited him. (He was separated and didn't want to be.)

You have got to stop agonising over why it went wrong. Somehow you have got to get to the acceptance stage and forget what was a bit of a fantasy- it was never a real relationship- yes, it had potential, but for whatever reason, he didn't want to proceed.

It hurts. But take one day at a time. You are alive, you are functioning, you can cope.

bees- I have PMd you - hope you can see it okay.

bees I've lurked for ages on this - every single thing you posted I could have written. Mine declared undying love for a year, but slipped away little by little as he lowered himself down slowly on a rope of his feelings for me as I fell deeper and deeper. At each stage when I was ready to accept a newly defined relationship, seeing him less and less all the time while the words kept coming - death by a thousand cuts - I would be onto the next cut. He said he couldnt cope with splitting up a family because of the guilt but sent preposterous numbers of texts a day and as such was my 24/7 constant companion. I feel like Ive had my right arm lopped off. He begged to be my friend too - but now has cut me out of his life. I work with the man - I have to see him daily and hes fine now. I'm getting over him now. But it nearly killed me a few months back. I was broken. I totally understand what you are going through - its put the nail in the coffin of my dreadful marriage too. My whole world is upside down. However, I am getting there. I am exercising like mad and have found meditation to be of huge benefit. I also know I will get out there when Im healed and find a real, decent, honest fun and happy man. Someone that cares. Adele is wrong - I dont want someone like him. I want someone I can trust.

so true padboz how you cope at work I do not know, I am SO glad I no longer work with this man. Enough that I went to the brink, if I had worked with him, my performance at work would have crashed down, However, I think if we'd stayed working together it would never have happened- I think at least when we were colleagues he knew his place! How do you do it? You must be very strong.
Quite right re: Adele- I want somebody most unlike this man, and my dh. Or maybe both of their best features- my dh to be more light hearted or the 'OM' to have been more genuine....

Hi bees. It's good to see this thread again tho not so good to hear you are still suffering. If it's any consolation, I feel dreadful today too. I saw om for first time last night in six months. I was horrible to him. It was awkward. I was doing so well but today I have regressed again. I just need to absolutely get him out if my head by whatever means. We cannot be friends. I have to accept that he'd prefer it if I left him alone. Oh yes, and shamefully I sent him a text late last night after seeing him, to which he didn't reply. Bastard can't even do that for me.

keep walking bees,give yourself headspace,if this guy is still saying the same in a few months then could be genuine,but right now it doesn,t sound like you need the hassle ,even if it is flattering.

oh hun i wish someone would have an answer cause my DH did the same it would have been easier if he had dropped dead cause when he sees ne he has the greatest pleasure in kissing or cuddling his new woman