The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Carry On Past The Park Bench!

[HammerMouseOfHorrors]

Hello

I'm Mouse and one of the Brave Babes on the Battle Bus.

The bus is never full and you'll find a real mix of people on board, all with the same goal.

To take control of their drinking. Whether that's to stop completely or cut right down.

Everyone is welcome to get on the bus at any point. You will receive a warm welcome and plenty of support.

Some come meet the others.........

The journey so far.

JWN's original thread

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Thanks Mouse I knew I could rely on you ! [hgrin]
Daddy No words of wisdom but here is a (((hug)))x
Hi Little and Anti I'm off for a run (Well middle aged stagger) See you later x

daddy when I used to talk to my ex (when still with him) and say that I didn't think his behaviour was normal, he would say 'well you don't know what goes on behind closed doors do you'? Only now, when I am in a healthier relationship do I realise how weird it all was, and how strange his justifications were.

I think the reason your father is being such a gentle soul is that he doesn't know the full extent of what is happening. Your father loves you so much, I am sure, I am sure he loves his grandsons too and just wants you all to be happy. But then you arebt' being honest with him because you are pretending YOU are happy when you are not.

But you make yourself as strong as can be and you can start to think out issues for yourself and we are all here for you and lots of us have epxerience in similar situations. I am so sorry that you are having such a tough time.

Hi all, Not sure if anyone would remember me from a few buses back! I'm the Aussie who needs to stop drinking.

Just checking in to say it's not gone well so far but as of today I am back on track so hope to be a regular visitor to the bus... does it have enough petrol to pick me up? (and some kind of sea worthy device)..

We will need to stop off to get opals for JWN on the way.

Hello sordid... Lovely to have you back. The bus is never full.

Thanks TheAntiChristi - lovely to be back. I know I am a bit random for MumsNet (I've explained before I'm not from the UK and don't have kids and a friend linked me to this site) but I can't find any good online Australian support forums so I'm back here! Hope you all don't mind being stuck with me.

hey sordid nice to meet you

LRP and Anti I know what you are saying, I'm just in a bit of a fix where I don't know where to turn.

And it's about everything - we are trying to chase a tax refund from the states and someone else somewhere along the way has fucked up and there is a tax return that hasn't been received, which we only received the notice about today. I had to call him and explain what has happened and what I am doing to sort it out (even though for once it wasn't my fuck up) and he's just lost it with me. I truly don't know how much I can deal with it. which is why I drank so much wine. At least I am keeping that promise to myself not to rely on that to keep going.

I do walk on eggshells because I never know how he is going to react to something.

Hello Sorid

daddy.

Get yourself right. Take control of your life again and then we, if you want us to, can help you deal with what happens next.

Whether that is confronting DH about his drinking and his behaviour when he does drink, or looking at alternatives.

Small steps make big changes when you add them all up.

Just take your time be please, you have to realise that this is by far a healthy relationship. xx

unhealthy!!! Whoops!!

oh daddy it makes me sad. I hope you know that none of this is your fault. God I remember how it feels to walk on egg shells. Every night I came back from work I would promise on the walk home that if he spoke to me like that again I would leave. And every night it would happen and I wouldn't.

I was about to get married, and we moved into a big new house. I think I had forgotten to turn the hot water on or something. Anyway, ex was trying to run a shower. It was 6am, he might have been hungover, I'm not sure, anyway, he just turned to me and yelled and his face went red and the veins popped out on the side of his head. Nothing was particularly different from any other time, but a strange peace fell over me. I felt a mist lifting around me. I knew what I had to do. I walked out. I never saw him again apart from bumping into him once.

I didn't have children with him. I know it is much harder when you do. Much much much harder.

Am here ALL the time for you.

sordid we are as big a bunch of misfits as you are likely to come across, you fit right in!!!

daddy, being sober will really help. I had a bad relationship (before DH, obviously) when I was drinking. I'd feel guilty for drinking, and I knew I could be very unreasonable when I was drunk, and often (I'm ashamed of this), I'd have blank patches in my memory so I never felt sure of myself. It made it so much harder for me both to judge my situation accurately, and to call him on his behaviour.

I'm so sad you feel you're walking on eggshells - all my instincts are screaming that he's a horrible man treating you badly, but you are absolutely doing the right thing by tackling the drinking first.

Hi sordid - I'm new on here so won't have met you on the earlier bus. I'm another one without children, nice to see you! I agree MN is a great support network.

thank you so much for your support.

The real issue is that I do have children with him. It's the only thing keeping me going at the moment.

And all I get from him when he gets mad like this is that he's not having a go at me and I shouldn't react like it is personal, he is just mad.

Anti your post rung so true - we returned from holiday last year when we lived in London. We had moved into a new place and the plumbers had been in while we were away. There was no hot water and he had to have a cold shower before going to work. We had ds1 then who was 11 months so the flight back had not been particularly great. So when there was no hot water I called the plumber who said - it's on, it's not been used for the time you were away so it'll take about 20 minutes to get through the system. This was not good enough for dh who let off his steam at me, but yet couldn't wait 20 minutes for the hot water to come through. He is like this with everything - it's always my fault but apparently when he is kicking off verbally it's just getting it out of his system and it's not aimed at me personally, even though he is standing there eyes bulging yelling at me.

The only and I mean only saving grace is that he never ever does it in front of the kids. Even when we are having a discussion about something (both of us talking) DS1 tells us to stop yelling, even when we're not actually yelling or shouting.

Yes, and I can understand that it is complicated if he is a great father.

But I'm confused by your last two sentences: You say he doesn't do this in front of the kids ... but you're also saying your DS feels as if you're yelling even when you're not?

He sounds a bit like my mum, who is also capable of getting furious if something happens (like the hot water), and it inconveniences her. It is not a healthy way to be - for him, as much as for you. Would he even consider going to therapy with you?

I doubt he would even consider it - he doesn't see that he has a problem as he has grown up with two people just like this raising him. If I get upset when something like the hot water incident happens he turns it around and basically says "it's all about you isn't it. Can't I just be cross about something without you taking it all personally" but it is so diffucult not to take it personally when someone is yelling at you like that.

I have been rather too much of a shouty mum recently with the dcs - drinking too much wine in the evenings and they are 2.7 and 4.3 so are at a particularly whiny, tantrummy age means that I have been coping with them less than perfectly, and have flipped my lid more than often that is healthy or good parenting. I'm pleased to say that that was actually the main kick up the arse that I needed to stop drinking. And I haven't been a shouty mum for 10 days now. That's what's keeping me off the wine, and when I have a glass, it's what's keeping me controlling myself. the look on ds1's face as he crumples his mouth into a silent howl and crying when I shout at him breaks my heart.

That is really lovely, daddy (about your kids, not about your H!). I guess this may be something it's hard to work through all at once, but honestly, he is completely wrong if he imagines he can yell at you and expect you not to take it personally.

Btw, I grew up with two people like this raising me. It is possible to get away from your upbringing. It's not the upbringing that is to blame, it's him for refusing to take stock and realize he's being a twat.

thanks for being so candid LRP

He realises he's being a twat when he's been drinking - I mean that he realises it the next day, not when he's actually doing it when he's ben drinking.

Just want to say Daddy that my heart goes out to you, I was married to a man who verbally and emotionally abused me for over 12 years, I finally "got out" and took my 4 daughters with me. Not saying that's what you should do!

Thanks daddy. Just feel free to tell me to piss off if I'm not helping, I know this thread isn't always the place people want to discuss this stuff, despite being in relationships.

desire - it's always so good to hear when someone's got out!

thansk desiretochange - how old were your daughters when you left, if you don't mind my asking? The boys are still so young.

Daddy when I left (bolted really) they were aged 2, 6, 9 and 11!

hi all!, just back from meeting!, big hi to sordid, nice to have you back!

daddy - where in the fuck do we start? - this man is sucking the very life out of you!, i think your self esteem is at rock bottom, i think he knows this and is a nasty bullying coward who likes to keep you there! - i can tell you here and now, calling you a whore shows that he has zero respect or love for you - you are his wife and the mother of his children and he has no damn excuse for speaking to you like that - yes, i do know that all marriages are different, all couples argue, fallout, whatever, but i can tell you this, even at my rock bottom dh would not have spoken to me like that, and if he had, i would have been out the door!

i also agree that his upbringing is no bloody excuse either!, god - im so fucking angry for you!, HOW DARE HE!! - his behaviour is the absolute fucking pits!, for gods sake keep sober, rebuild your self esteem/respect and leave the barstard! - and no, i dont say that lightly, i have been divorced myself and its an awful thing to go through, but quite frankly, i think your life will improve by leaps and bounds once this git is out of your life!

i wish i could help you in rl, you are worth SO much more than this!

LittleRed my insides just twist when I see or hear someone in the same situation I was in, I want to scream at them to "Run Forest Run"

Hello everyone, just checking in.
Unfortunatley I did drink on sunday, my sister bought a bottle of wine round to have with dinner and we shared it. didn't get drunk though and switched right to coffee afterwards. Yesterday, had one can - again it was offered to me with a meal and I took it, again I didnt get drunk - stopped at one and had 2 coffees after the meal.

No desire to drink today whatsover.

I need to stay away from people who actively or inactively encourage my drinking. One friend inparticular. I went to see her yesterday, at about 1pm, and she was sitting with a can.
"Want a can?" is a catchphrase between us, we dont offer to stick the kettle - on we offer a can.

I can go for days without even thinking of having a drink, but as soon as this friend says "want a can?" I take it, and the next one and the next one.

She's obvioulsy ok with her drinking, but I'm not. It's a shame,because she's a really lovely, gentle, kind person and we see a lot of each other - we get on well and have the same views,opinions and sense of humour.

But I think, for at least a week, I'll have to stop away from her.

thank you zombie and LRP it is really helping me here - not just getting it out of my system for but for someone to come on and say actually that's not on, he's not just being drunk and a bit of an idiot, he's behaving unforgiveably.

I will get there - controlling my drinking and losing some weight is a real confidence boost for me and is something I can see I can actually do, so I have to keep doing it. that's the start to me rebuilding my life properly and not being such a doormat and accepting behaviour I shouldn't be accepting.

Hey dich and JWN [hsmile]

daddy - I need to say this. If DH continues with his current behaviour towards you, then you should leave. And take your children too.

I want you to know that I left a very violent and abusive relationship almost 7 years ago. I took DD with me and went to a women's hostel as there was no other option. XP controlled the money, he bought all of my clothes, make-up, things for DD. I had nothing but child benefit to my name and 2 bags of clothing for myself and DD. She was 2 at the time.

He ground me down and cocooned me in his world. He conditioned me to make me believe that I was always in the wrong, that I was 'making' him behave how he was. Which included sleeping with other women.

When he was drunk or high, he would beat me to a pulp and force sex on me. He threw me out in the middle of winter in my underwear. He stole my car and hid it so I couldn't leave.

He threw DD's toys away if she was every a bit naughty. He was an evil son of a bitch BUT he didn't start that way. Oh no. He was the love of my life, my hero and all I had ever wanted.

Then over time he changed. It was ever so subtle but he soon stepped it up a gear or three.

My point to you is this. You are in an abusive relationship. To what degree will depend on how DH treats you from here on in. If this continues, and he refuses to seek help, then I'd say for you to leave.

Everybody has the right to be safe, secure and happy. Nobody has the right to abuse you. Emotionally or otherwise. xx

DD saw some of his behaviour. Which is something I can never take away from her