The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Carry On Past The Park Bench!

[HammerMouseOfHorrors]

Hello

I'm Mouse and one of the Brave Babes on the Battle Bus.

The bus is never full and you'll find a real mix of people on board, all with the same goal.

To take control of their drinking. Whether that's to stop completely or cut right down.

Everyone is welcome to get on the bus at any point. You will receive a warm welcome and plenty of support.

Some come meet the others.........

The journey so far.

JWN's original thread

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Meant relieved [hblush]

daddy, glad you made it back, I was wondering how you were doing!

I do love waking up sober - that wonderful feeling when you wake up, stay still waiting for the hangover to descend and then realize - no, it's not there, no need to feel guilty, I didn't drink!

What is with your DH? Has he always been like this or do you think it's how he copes with your/his drinking?

Well done on losing weight. HOW do you do it?! I've put on about half a stone since I stopped, and that was only 12 days ago!

daddy - well doen for getting on the bus.

And for the continued weight loss. It's hard to be motivated about losing weight or anything else actually whne you are trying your hardest to quit something!

So well done you!!

I hope that your DH remains to improve his behaviour towards you. He doesn't sound very supportive in the past.

Hopefully, that will change and maybe the two of you can get back on track. [hsmile]

(Sorry, I realized that came across as a bit rude - you don't have to talk about your DH if you don't want to, obviously!)

'done' and 'when'

hello everyone.

Have found a couple of jobs to apply for this morning but the whole thing fills me with dread. I can't bear to start the whole process again. These financial jobs have such a lengthy recruitment process. Maybe I should do somethign different! Did anyone listen to Womans Hour today - truly inspirational story about a woman who built herself a caravan and rode around Britain for three years.

daddy i think you are doing really well. I hope that your DH without alcohol changes for the better. It must be really hard for you. Are you South African, or did you move there away from family in the UK?

Therapy - is it usual to reach a point where you just don't feel it's helping? I am feeling like that at the moment. I dunno. I just don't feel like going any more.

Mouse and LRP not rude at all. It actually really helps talking about him, not that he'd really see that I'm sure.

He's incredibly controlling and always has been but it has got worse and worse over the years. He is very argumentative when having had even a couple of glasses of wine and is ALWAYS right. he is also a lawyer and in a pretty stressful sector so that doesn't help.

His mother and father are also very controlling and argumentative and his brother has the same trait of whispering poison into someone's ear - I've seen him do it and the only reason I know he's doing it is because I've seen the girlfriend get the same awful look on her face that I know I get.

that said, he is an incredibly loving husband and I know he loves me, and he absolutely adores and dotes on the boys. But it is very hard - I drank a lot when at uni and did a lot of things that I'm not proud of, and I had very little self worth - he cannot handle this - even though it was all way before I met him and he only knows about 1/10th of what I've done etc. If there is something he doesn't agree with he finds it very hard to deal with or understand - I had an affair with someone much older than me just after I left uni. was feeling pretty shit about myself and was bbounding from one bad decision to the next - I am not proud of it, it was a dreadful thing to do but i can't change that I did it - I wouldn't do it again and I do regret doing it but I was in a dreadful place at the time - DH cannot understand that I did it at all and brought it up on saturday night, calling me a whore, asking me whether I thought our children would be proud of me knowing that I had done something like that.

sorry, it's all about me again - I'm hoping my small mess of a life will give support to someone hopping on the bus for the first time

o'h and the weight loss - I've been losing it slowly for the past few months but not drinking seems to be cutting out a lot of calories for me. Also if I'm not having a couple of glasses of wine with dinner I seem to eat less - don't want to drag the meal out i suppose. And then I'm not feeling a bit drunk and picking at stuff in the fridge or cupboard...

i've lost 8 kg in the past 2 weeks - now weighing in at 64kg

daddy you poor thing. You do not deserve to be treated like this. History is history and my goodness we have all done things we're not proud of but goodness me is he perfect or something? My god I am so sorry he treats you like this.

Have you considered couples therapy? I am really sorry but having been in a relationship like you describe once I have to say that he is NOT behaving in a loving way towards you. A good relationship is easy, it means you don't live on egg shells wondering if he's going to be angry, you don't have to deal with being called names, I am so sorry that you are having to go through this. Do you work yourself? Could you do something to raise your own profile and self esteem and readdress the balance in your relationship?

Why shouldn't it be all about you, daddy?

He doesn't sound very nice to me, but you know him. I don't really see why having an affair with someone older than you is a bad thing per se, either. Actually I think it is really out of order for him to stand in judgment over your life before you met him. Does he not realize how inappropriate that is? There must be things in his life he's not proud of!

65kg is what I'd got down to before I stopped drinking - sadly I replace drink with copious amounts of ice-cream!

In terms of the proportion of time you spend together as a loving couple, has it gone from nearly 100% when you met, to 90% and then 80%, with you persuading yourself that the good times 'make up for' the bad times?

daddy

I am going to be really honest now, feel free to ignore my post. [hsmile]

Your DH is actually emotionally abusing you. The more I read about hm the less I like. He does sound very controlling and also extremely judgemental.

No wonder you feel the way you do and you drank the way you did. His behaviour towards you is awful.

The past is the past and nothing you can do will change that. We ALL have secrets and skeletons.

You don't need to tell him anymore. And I wouldn't if all he's going to do is throw your life back in your face in such a nasty way.

I don't think that counselling would work for you as a couple. I doubt very much that he has any idea what he does to you or how he undermines your emotions and your needs.

Sorry to be so negative. The fact that he loves you and is a great father is irrelevant if he talks to you the way he does.

Not nice at all. xx

mouse i agree with what you say, however when I had couples conselling with my ex, it helped me realise that his behaviour was ABSOLUTELY NOT my fault, and having a 'third party' SAY that to my ex, it set me free. It meant that I actually had the strength to realise there was nothing wrong with me, it was nothing I could do differently, and in his case, that there was nothing I could do to change him. I left him. I think couples counselling can work to clarify the forces in a relationship, whether that relationship will last or not.

Christi - I just don't think he'd go either.

Fair point.

Has anyone seen fallen or silver or bumblelion about?

Silver has been with her mum. She's not very well at the moment.

Not seen the other two around [hsmile]

mouse - you're right. he wouldn't. In all honesty I feel trapped a lot of the time. He was nowhere near this bad when we met, and i 100% believe that he does know what he is doing. His family lead a very "protestant work ethic" life - he truly has not done anything that he shouldn't be proud of - how he behaves and his attitude towards some aspects of life (he doesn't think there is anything wrong with porn for instance whereas I feel the opposite) are completely inappropriate.

We do however have two great children which is what give me the strength to keep going and is the reason that i don't up and leave. No matter how awful he is to me I don't think I could leave with the kids - that would just destroy him and them, and I don't think they should be punished.

I guess stopping drinking is my way of giving me control and strength in myself and more self confidence.

Oh, poor silver. Sending lots of good thoughts your way if you see this, silver.

daddy he really makes his own rules up doesn't he?! 'protestant work ethic' my a*se... Not very protestant to go looking at porn is it?!

I suppose I feel daddy that by validating your DH's behaviour your sons will also follow in his path, as he and his brother did before them.

I know and that's what I actually really worry about. his mum is pretty toxic but his dad is atrocious in the way he talks to her, and that is the one thing that I really worry about - that the boys will see him acting and speaking how he does and think that it's all ok. Short of leaving i don't know what to do - he's not going to change because he thinks it's all ok - he feels that he is being tough but because he loves me it's ok - it's how he's grown up.

I don't really know what to do - he won't go to therapy, I would bet anything on that. perhaps the stopping drinking for him will be something of a catalyst - his dad drinks a lot, well not a lot a lot, but he will have a beer late afternoon, and drinks slowly but steadily all the way through dinner and after - he'll start with maybe 4 bottles of beer through the afternoon, a couple of glasses of wine or maybe 3-4 more beers with dinner and after and then a couple of brandies. he does also get more antagonistic, argumentative and mean as he goes.

daddy - YOU ARE WORTH MUCH MORE THAN THIS.

And, I believe that the less you drink and the more confident that you become, you will see just how much more you deserve in this relationship.

Keep going, keep getting stronger and growing. Keep focusing on the children. One thing you MUST do, is NEVER let them see or hear him treating you badly.

That will do far more damage than seeing their father on a regular basis should the relationship ever breakdown.

You have to focus on you aswell. I can guaruntee that as you start to see your life through much more sober eyes, you will be far less tolerant of his verbal abd emotional abuse towards you.

And, if you ever need to rant about it all, feel free to PM me or post about it on here if you feel that it will help you unscramble your feelings towards him. xx

What does your father say, daddy, you said you emailed him about your DH?

Does your DH act badly towards you in front of your children?

Do you have good friends in RL that you can talk to?

And I would say that 8 bottles of beer (say 12 units?), 2 glasses of wine (3 units) and two home poured brandies (4 units) = 19 units = SIX TIMES the recommended intake for a man, that's a fair amount! And your DH drinks more than his father?!

my dad is such a gentle soul - he realises that dh has a real problem and he just wants us all to be happy - he is in a tough position because he doesn't want to be an interfering dad. also he doesn't see it on an ongoing bases.

No Dh doesn't act like this in front of the children - he is very careful about that.

thanks everyone for the support - my aim is to be much more in control of any drinking whatsoever as I think that will start Dh wanting to sort himself out as it has seemed to already. before we started drinking this much we were much better and neither of us behaved like we do now.

His dad doesn't seem to realise that he has an issue - he is on medication for heart and blood pressure issues and still does it.

It's actually better for me to unload here to people I don't know in RL - I'm one of those, it should all seem ok to everyone on the outside people, so I don't like letting friends know how things really are. Stupid I know.

daddy, sorry, but he sounds like a complete tosser. It is absolutely wrong of him to criticize you for your past life, and then claim that porn is fine because he's decided it's so.

Do you know why he objects to your past life? I can understand you regretting a bad relationship, but on the face of it, a relationship with an older man isn't anything to be ashamed of, and it's certainly not a mistake to judge someone for.

May I tell you about my DH? It's relevant, I promise. DH belongs to a religion where sex before marriage is considered a very real sin, and his culture also backs this up. However, he knows perfectly well that I have had plenty of pre-marital sex and thoroughly enjoyed it, and there is no way he would judge me for that. I've had a couple of one-night stands that were mistakes and which I regret (and he knows that), but he would be bemused at the idea that it's any of his business: we weren't together.

Imo, that is a normal reaction. It would also be normal for him to be a bit jealous, or a bit wistful, about my past sex life, I think. But it's not normal to guilt-trip someone about it. That is really inappropriate and I can't understand why he would do it, especially if he doesn't even afford you the right to judge his sexual habits within your marriage!

Btw, I think it's very good to offload problems on here too. Very healthy to talk about it and we can't be as candid in real life.