What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

He sounds unpleasant :(
What do your friends and/or family think?

so - let me get this straight - He insists you use the car to chauffeur him around yet you are not allowed to use the car for your own needs unless you have a good reason?

When i spoke to my DM about the problems we were having she said that she had noticed these a long time ago, and she never liked the way he spoke to me but didnt want to say anything or interfer, she also said that alot of my family members have noticed it to, my friends are being very suportive so is my DM,

He doesn't sleep in the same bed as me he sleeps on the sofa, he says its cos i snore but no one else has said that, and i also said that if i did he knew that when we first starting living together 13 years ago, it just seems to me that its just an excuse.

yes thats right merrywidow :(

Whats your gut instinct, what would you like to do? Split / try work it out ?

try and work it out, we have been together for 19 years, i dont want to throw it all away, but he is not willing to go to councilling, so i dont know how to work it out?

Did he say you were not to talk anyone else about the problems or he/both of you?

Ok, so you want to try and work it out - so, what are the good things about him and this relationship?

What is it you actually love about him?

Oh dear, if your family & friends are coming out and saying so, things must be pretty bad. He doesn't sound at all invested in having a happy marriage, really, does he? I'm sure he likes having you around to do his bidding ...
If you did go to counselling, what would you be hoping for? Would you consider going on your own?

Oh love this bloke is a selfish knob who doesn't care about you at all - you are just there for his convenience. The idea that the man is the person in a relationship and everything should revolve around his needs is one that it is very difficult to shift.
Counselling for yourself might help, either teaching you ways of standing up for yourself or ways of leaving without too much trauma.

merrywidow, DH said it was him who didnt want to talk to anyone, he is not that happy that i talk to my friends, but i need to talk.

pinkhair- Sorry, but if a friend of yours was in your situation, you'd tell her to get out of it!

Your DH sounds like a right selfish pig!Maybe he doesn't want to go to counselling, or meet you halfway in a compromise, because hes' the one in control at the moment! He's alright!..

If you go to counselling yourself you may find you again,and realize you deserve a hell of a lot better!

Oh pinkhair, I agree with others that yuur H is coming across as very selfish man, who is controlling and unreasonable and totally uncaring. I know you say you want to "save" the r/ship but it doesn't seem to me you have a hope in hell. Men like this will never go to counselling - Ithink deep down they are afraid of what might be unearthed about themselves that they sort of half know.

Your H (like each and everyone of us) has to a large extent become the adult that he has because of his own childhood experience. How we are cared for (or not) has an immense effect on us through the lifespan. So what sort of c/hood did your H have - men like this often have a parent (usually a father) who is controling/dominating and overly critical, so they try to "protect" themselves from that sort of emotional harm by turning it on to someone else - their nearest and dearest.

Can you get him to talk about his parents and how he feels he was cared for - trouble is most men won't acknowledge this and it does need an independent person (therapist or counsellor)to gently draw out how the "then and there" are affecting the "here and now" -----SO where does this leave you. You only have 2 options at present to sstay and continue to be treated badly or to leave. By the way , what sort of father is he? You have family support and maybe you could leave without too much trouble.

The other thing to remember is that A can only change B's behaviour by A changing theirs, if you see what I mean. Give it a go, only in a small way at first. Thing is conflict in relationships have a script (bit like a play) and at an unconscious level, each knows how the other will react. Try changing the script and do something different next time conflict arises, doesn't matter what it is and I am not saying this will make things better, but just observe how he reacts - you will almost certainly see something in him, confusion (or something) because you are doing/saying something that is totally different to what usually happens.

Remember "If you do what you've always done, you'll get what you've always got"

Agree that you should get to a good therapist yourself for some support and maybe to clear your thinking.

There are so many men like this ...........makes me wonder what it is about the male ego that makes them want to dominate. Well it is of course seen in male animals but we are meant to have evolved haven't we - I think most women have, but many men haven't. Sorry I'm rambling on - good wishes to you anyway.

has he been like this for your entire 19 years together?

will he look after you after your back op?

do you want your DS to see this behaviour and repeat it in his adult relationships in the future?

Unfortunately i think you know what needs to be done but you need time to get your head around it, and doing anything 2 weeks b4 a major back op is not the best timing, i feel sorry for you some of your points you make sound just like my H and when i had an op he was nowhere to be seen, he just carried on as i there was nothing wrong, and to be honest i have never forgiven him for that, i would try to speak with him about putting plans in place for caring for you and your DS after you have had your op and then when you are fully recovered i would re-evalute things and go from there.

Pinkhair, counselling could work for couples who agree to go together as they are both taking responsibility for the relationship.

You could

Tell him you want to go, ask him once if he will come as you want the issues sorted out, and tell him you will go anyway with or without him.

He has obviously acknowledged that there are problems from what he said about not wanting you to share them with anyone.

IMO you should stand your ground on this, from experience I can pretty much guarantee that the relationship will not get any better with time unless you subjugate yourself to him/his needs and are happy to do so ( somehow I don't think you're going to that )

Think about what is best for you; just as he is thinking of himself.

PS I'd ignore his embargo on the car its utterly ridiculous and tell him so. Tell him you've got a bloody good reason, It 'BLOODY HURTS WHEN I WALK'

Thank you for all your kind comments.
i dont know what the good things about DH are at the minute but he can be a good person. and i think deep down i do love him, thats why i do want to try and save our marriage.

he is an only child and his mum done everything for him up until we got a place together, at first i didnt mind being the caring loving wife, doing things for my husband but then it was a case of i had to do them, and now when i asked him about it, he turned round and said, you knew what i was like when you married me, but we have both changed and we are not the same people any more.
i have bettered myself by becoming a teaching assistant, but not once has DH said how pleased he is of me for completing the course, instead all i got was abuse, in the form of shouting, swearing making me cry, and comments like how am i going to do the housework when im doing my coursework.

As for being a dad, he can be really great when he wants to, but other times poor DS has to make sure all his toys are put away first before even thinking about getting anything else out, he cant bang his toy cars together incase he breaks them and DH will shout at him and tell him off, DS is always getting told to be quiet you are being too noisey, when after all he is only a child.

The list goes on..... i am expected to pack up for him, if im out i get a phone call asking where i am, when am i coming home to do his packed lunch, or dinner, i get up in the mornings with him at 5 to make him a cup of tea and pack up his lunch, if i say no i want a lay in, i get moaned at.

oh dear, its not sounding good

Can you stay away for a bit longer?

Crikey. What do you love about him?
Have you tried writing a Pros & Cons list? You could try doing two, with the second one being the comparative benefits of staying with him vs a new little home for you & DS (maybe near your mum?)

This man is an arsehole. Were you taught in childhood that women exist for men's benefit and the Man Of The House is the only one who matters? Because that's bullshit. You are just as important as him and your DS matters just as much. The pair of you are not props to the man's ego. It sounds as though he is contributing nothing positive to the household except, presumably, financial support.

He sounds a twat. im sorry your DS has witnessed so much awful behaviour from a parent who is, after all, meant to be a role model. after 19years i know you obviously have history, but please dont put your son through anymore of this, leave him for your son if not for yourself.

I love you, SGB Will you be my date at the Zombie Ball?

OP, unless you can sit down over a beer or two with the Shambling Undead to thrash out your Pros & Cons, you could do worse than rope in your Mum and best friend to help with it ...

A man like this will not change one iota until he gets a bloody enormous shock. All the while you try to "work round him" nothing will get better - rather, it will only get worse.

You have been bargaining away an enormous amount and you made some bad choices about parenting the man with whom you were meant to be having a romantic relationship. Just stop all that now and get some nurturing for yourself before your operation, so that you will be cared for properly.

Just because it's been 19 years, doesn't mean you have to face another 19 years or longer living with an entitled man who is selfish to the core. Love is an action you know - you have been showing love to him in bucketloads and getting very little in return. It will hurt, but what he feels for you isn't love, it is dependance.

Thanks for all your replies, you all talk so much sense,
update....just spoke to DH on the phone and i asked him if he has been thinking about how to improve things....and when he suggested that i stop taking our DS to football and more time at home i then began to think hang on a minute....so i asked him why must i do this, and his reply was that i must put his needs first, (not our 6 year old DS) he also said that as from next year he will be using the car every weekend as he will need to do more cycle training and will need to drive to places to then cycle around....
he says we never spend any time together as a family at weekends, no because he is either working or cycling, nothing to do with our DS football, even though he says it is.
he asked when am i coming home....i said im not sure why, he replied, i need some things from the shop for my packed lunch and dinner, so i told him he would have to get them himself as i wouldn't be home until tomorrow evening, he didn't like that very much and said oh ok i'll see you when i see you then and hung the phone up, is this the way to treat and respect a DW??

Sooooo errrrr he rang you, not to apologise or to ask you home or to suggest that you try to work things out as adults, or even, in fact to say he misses you and his DS.....but....to suggest that you are being unreasonable to take yours and his son to something he enjoys.....right ok....and also to ask when you are going to make his flipping dinner/shop/look after him....is he 15??
He has NO respect for you, you DS or anyone, he is putting his needs first, his and his alone.
What does he do for you?
What are you getting out of this relationship?
This isn't love, it's disrespect and selfishness...he's panicking because you as his mother not wife isn't at his beck and call.
He's blaming all his shortcomings on his son, not facing up to them, being rude, disrespectful and abusive. You have to lay it on the line. He changes, or shows willingness to change or you leave. End of.
Good luck, I hope you can stay strong for the sake of your DS and yourself.

i can't imagine why you would stay with this arse-wipe. sorry to be so blunt but it really doesn't sound like he has any redeeming features from your description