What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

Just wondering whether your ex is telling him all this, and trying to cause this aggravation and upset in order to make you go back for a quiet life, and for the sake of your son??
Going from previous, I wouldnt put it past him. I am not sure what to advise, but there should be some way to speak to your son, or maybe for a councillor at school to explain to your son, that it was not your fault, but without you resorting to saying what a twunk your ex was. A very tricky one. It also seems that 'daddy'is playing this up too - from your earlier posts he didnt have alot of interaction with your DS when he was living with you - now suddenly he has to call every night before bedtime? Is there maybe a different time he could call - say end of school, then distract him with something nice after he speaks, so he is not reminded just before bed? Have you listened in to see what he is saying to him?

Thanks Nettle, I dont think my ex is saying it to him, but then i have no proof that he's not either.

I do explain to my DS that daddy is never coming back here to live as we dont love each other anymore, but he dont seem to want to hear it.
DS doesn't always speak to his dad before bed time, only when he wants to, sometimes he will cry for ages for his dad but do not want to speak to him, just cries himself to sleep.

I am seeing parent support worker at school tomorrow afternoon, so i'm going to ask her as well, but was just wondering if any of you wise and wonderful mums had any ideas, as you all know my situation.

Hi there PH. Im not a regular poster on MN but when i read your predicament I could not help but post.

While it is difficult to 'keep everyone happy' I would concentrate on keeping my son happy.

Give him all the love and affection you can and make sure he knows you will always be there. It is not an easy situ but with time things will heal.

Good Luck. I know I am not a lot of help but I wish you best wishes.

I divorced my children's father when they were 5 and 6. I was lucky that both boys coped remarkably well but ds1 did go through a phase of crying for his father at bedtime (which was rather ironic given that before we left, his father had usually been in the pub at bedtime!!) and I discovered that the root of his grief was the assumption that because I didn't love his daddy any longer, he wasn't allowed to. It had never occurred to me that he'd assume this despite me probably over thinking every other consequence of our split on the children.

I'm not saying that your ds is necessarily thinking the same but children can come to some surprising conclusions. Which is why it can pay dividends to try and very gently discover what is at the heart of their unhappiness. Since this may be more than just missing the absent parent.

Thank you AFF for your advice, i intend to carry on giving him all my love and affection and will always let him know that i'm always there for him.

Thanks Gloriasmut mine was the smae, XH was never there at bedtimes, but its him that DS is crying for. time is helping and it has been getting easier, so there is hope after all. :)

one of the first things my youngest son asked when i explained to them that ex and i were separating was "am i still allowed to love daddy", and so i was able to reassure them both about all the relationships grandparents, cousins etc, but i am glad he asked otherwise it may not of occurred to me.

"daddy is never coming back here to live as we dont love each other anymore,"

that is awfully negative. "never" "dont love"

try saying

"daddy has his own place to live and you live here with mummy. but you see daddy on xxday and xxday each week"

"you going to be ahving a home with mummy adn a home with daddy. toys here toys there. you very lucky"

"you going to spend tie with jsut daddy adn time with jsut mummy. that is really nice for you"

"mummy and daddy both love you. we both love you even though we are not living both together with you "

( will he go sleep over with dad at somepoint?)

get a calendar and mark up days he will see daddy.

stop having daddy see him at your house - it confuses DS. if daddy comes here why cant he stay? have DS see daddy only at daddys new house or elsewhere.

have a read of

www.amazon.co.uk/Putting-Children-First-Handbook-Separated/dp/0749928042

Thanks cestlavielife for your comments but.....

i know what your saying but you are wrong, i do say all them things to my DS, he knows daddy will always love him, and he knows i will always love him, and thats whats important to me.

DS does go to his dads and stay over night every other weekend, its only every other week that he see's DS at my house for one day, and thats only for a couple of hours, i would rather that then not have DS see his dad, as this is important to him at the minute.

I agree that it must be more confusing to have daddy at mummy's house. You need a boundary here. Its your home only now, and I would get the locks changed. Daddy can take DS to the park or to his own house, this will help DS feel like daddy is ok with his own house and has moved out, but that they will still see each other lots.

HHLimbo-
Sorry i proberly didnt explain myself very well, the house is still in joint names at the minute as we are still trying to sort things out with our solictors.

I know this is still no excuse as many of people have told me, but when XH does come round i go out and say to DS this is your time with your daddy.

Oh pink

(Hello again btw)

It's so, so hard.

Of course he doesn't want to hear it. No matter how much XH hurt you and DS, he will still love him and be unable to control his feelings, as well as we as adults can.

You stopped being in love with your XH a long time ago, you started to distance yourself from him.

DS can't do that as he doesn't understand. I know it has been a few months now but it will take lots more time for him to settle into this new routine.

And to adjust to future changes.

You are doing all of the right things by continuing to reassure him.

Maybe you should ask Xh if he asks him why you are not together anymore when he has time alone with him.

You both need to be saying the same to DS. I know it's hard.

There is no magic cure for heartache. He feels rejected by his father because he doesn't know the truth.

And in turn, that breaks your heart. Keep going. Keep reassuring him that you and daddy love him, that will never change.

His life as he knew it is no more and that is hard to deal with at any age.

Hi Mouse

Thank you so much for your input, you always give me sound advice, which is so true to life.

I know me and my DS will get through this, we will come out the other side at the end, not sure when yet though, as there is a problem with the house now, as i cant get a mortgage to buy him out, so not sure what i'm going to do.

Oh no!

I guess that's up to him then? Could you rent it from him? Have an official document drawn up saying as much?

IIRC, you are joint on this mortgage? You need to speak to a solicitor asap over this.

BUT..............

If it turns out that you are unable to remain in your current house, then so be it.

When I left XP, we were in a hostel at first before we were rehoused.

I told DD it was our own little adventure. Then when we got our house, I made that our home.

You can do this and one day, you'll look back at the person you used to be, and realise just who you are, because of it all.

Corny? Yep, but it's true.

No matter where you live, you will always have each other. It's just a house? Yes. It's important, I know, it contains memories.

But those memories have been tainted by XH. If you start a fresh somewhere else, then they will be your memories to keep forever.

No-one can take that away from you.

DD still talks about our old house, the things we did, dressing up, picnics in bed, decorating, etc..... all very very fond times.

We've both moved on from that place, but in a good way. We expanded. We grew together and moved forward.

It can happen but right now, you need to get through each day and try to secure somewhere for you both to live.

Stay strong xxx

Hi mouse,
Thanks so much for your advice.
I like the sound of a new house with just me and my ds its just what we need.

I spoke to the council and asked them about renting off them, with their help, but just need to ask a few more questions.

I spoke to my solictor and she has said that by law I can stay in the house until ds is either 16 or 18, which is good news, but not for xh, he wont get his share of the house for another 11 years.

Hi, just an update....

DS has seen the parent support worker at school and she has helped so much, he really likes her and feels he can talk to her about anything, which i think is brilliant.

DS is alot more settled at night time now, doesn't cry for his dad anymore, (well maybe a couple of times in the last fortnight) but hopefully with a bit more time we will get there.

Thanks again for all you kind advice which has been so useful to me.

Glad things are improving for him. Its bound to be a shock at first, and everything that he has know has suddenly changed. Good luck to you both xxx

WOW

How the parent support worker at school has helped my DS, he see her again today and they chatted loads, went through the book, 'it's not your fault koko bear' and DS really opened up to her, saying that he is finding it easier now, and he is like koko bear cos he has two houses as well.

DS also told her that he found it really upseting to start off, felt strange going to dad's house.

She asked him if he keeps upset sometimes like koko bear and he told her that he oftens cries, but mummy makes me feel better by giving me cuddles and reading me stories, :)

I really feel as though we have turned a corner now, we can only go forwards and upwards.

Hello everyone, just an update, divorce is going through and the house is sold too, it only went on the market tues morning and someone looked at it, offered a price for it and we excepted it, i'm looking at a new house tomorrow for me and my DS. Xxx

Pink that is brilliant news.
Well done for sticking with it all and getting to this point.

Your new life awaits :o

well done you xx

thats fantastic. Well done, you have come so far. If you look at the posts at the beginning of this thread, and then look at where you are now, you should be bloody proud of yourself!!!

I was only thinking of you yesterday pinkhair and was going to PM you. That's brilliant news, especially about your DS. I am so pleased he's got the right help and that he's feeling happier. Well done to you and agree that your thread is an inspiration to other women.

Thank you ladies for your lovely comments, I do feel as though I have travelled a milestone to get where I am today, but I am so glad I done it, and with all your support on here and my very close friends at hand, it made it easier for me. There where times I didnt think I could carry on... But I did and very glad I did too. Once again THANK YOU ALL for your support and kindness xxx :-D