What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

It seems to me that you are really beginning to see his behavior from a different angle,having been away from him,for just a few days.. Its so easy just to put up with things and get tied in with the day to day..

Be strong,If he cannot/will not see things from your point of view, you tried!but you can't help him,if he doesn't want to be helped..

Ask yourself whether you want to be putting up with it in 5/10 years time?-Really,your DS needs you completely, he is a child, and his dad doesn't seem to be sharing the parental role..You are doing all the parenting by yourself, unfortunately it sounds like up till now you have had 2 children to look after!You deserve to be looked after too sometimes!

Keep going,and if you wobble, think of life in 5 years time, Still stuck in a relationship that is squashing you as a person? or with a real chance to be happy?Its' a complete cliche, but life really is pretty short!..

Thank you for all your right advice, the next thing is though how do i go about doing the next stage? if this is what i decide to do, which it is looking that way, because i am getting no where fast. i try talking to him but i dont get no where all i get is your always blaming me,

has anyone else ever been in this situation and came out of it the other side a survivor?
How do i get out of this as it is all i have known? please can someone give me advice?

There are plenty of women on this site Pinkhair with variations on the theme of 'my H is a complete idiot and I've had enough' who have come through the other side and are much happier for it.

Can you stay somewhere else for a bit; stop by the house first and get the car if you can, picking up a few necessary papers along the way.

Inform him clearly as to why you have taken these steps then offer to meet him on neutral territory somewhere to discuss the future. Take with you a list of your conditions and tell him you wish to discuss the future ( if there is one ) not the past.
He obviously has an agenda of his own so its time to get out yours and negotiate. Then you will find out his position and if he is still adamant that ALL HIS NEEDS MUST BE MET; you will know how you feel and the way forward.

Alternatively, tell him he needs to move out for a while whilst the pair of you sort it out and then do the above.

you sound pretty strong and straightforward to me, stand your ground; if he carries on behaving like this - You can finish it if you want

I had thought of asking him to leave, but when i did ask him he turned round and said i'm not going, so i said to him...where do you expect me and our DS to go then....i dont know DH said, i couldn't beleive it.

But why is it when i'm sitting here all by myself i start to think...well may be i should just go home and things will be ok, is it easier just to go back to things how they were and just be quiet and not do nothing, surely it would be better for our DS this way. If i just keep quiet and do everything again.

Well if you keep up that sort of bargaining, you won't be back to square one, you'll be in a worse position. This man doesn't love you, pinkhair. Have you accepted that yet?

Don't you think you owe it to your DS, if not yourself, to stop showing him this model of a dysfunctional relationship?

What are the practicalities? Do you own or rent? How achievable would it be for you to leave with DS, if your H won't go? Have you even consulted a solicitor yet?

I suspect your H just thinks you're full of empty threats and that you lack the courage to leave him. This will have eroded any respect he may have had for you in the past. No-one respects a victim and a doormat - and I include your son in that.

your life will not change and be OK if you just go back and do nothing. He sees no reason for change - you serve him.

It will not be better for your ds if you just keep quiet. What do you think that will do for his expectations of a relationship? Will it help him to have a happy marriage? How would you feel if his wife walked away from him and you had to recognise that the reason was that he was acting like a knob- your own son, that you brought up?

You need to be very firm: No, I will not put your needs first. We are a family and all our needs have to be on an equal footing.

Sadly, chances are it won't make a blind bit of difference. Any man who can grow up in modern society and still think he's some kind of 17th century patriarch does it because he wants to be that way.

Sure its 'easier' to go back and be a doormat. We've all thought that at times when we've been sitting by ourselves.. "Well its better then nothing".. But you know in your heart,it isn't -thats why you left!Thats why you started the thread!

You need to talk to your family and friends,who you say can see whats been happening, and are supportive..

Write a list of pros and cons involved with going back-concentrate on the cons, things will not be ok if you go back, nothing has changed!.. You were not happy!

You do not mention how all this is affecting DS,or how old he is, but believe me kids' feel when things aren't right, do you think he hasn't noticed that his mum isn't happy at home with dad?..

Please don't give up yet..Take one day at a time!If the uncertainty of the house business,and where you stand, is panicking you, start another thread with the details and see what others know about the legal stuff..

Keep busy, keep your mind concentrated on other things when you're alone,and get a decent counselor to help get your self esteem back.. Keep going forwards! You CAN do it

DS is 6 years old and i think he has noticed a few things, he knows H dont sleep in the same room as me, and the last couple of night that we have stayed at my friends he has loved it, i can see that in his eyes, he even asked if we could stay one more night?, i said no we are going home and i got oh do we have to!!!!it broke my heart bless him. i feel if i dont go back home things are going to get a lot worse, but then again if i stay away longer will he get the message that i mean what i say...Things have got to change, and change for the better.

I had thought about going to see a counselor, only problem is they are so expensive, but i guess they are worth it. Do you know what H cant be that bothered about me or DS because he hasn't called at all today, and he is now at work until 10pm tonight, he cant think that much of us otherwise he would of called.
SO why do i still feel guilty :( about everything.

What on earth do you feel guilty about???
Breaking up a happy home?? You weren't happy!!!, DS is fine, and to be honest H is probably fine!..

Your H has to realize that his behavior is not on! If you go back, you are completely telling him his behavior is justified and acceptable and it's not!!and to be honest it may be worse, because he'll know he can get away with it' he's got you right where he wants you.

Why are you analysing the fact he hasn't called???Do you think by phoning it means he loves and cares about you? or wants you to come back to make his supper??..

DS seems to be enjoying the adventure of staying away,but has he said he misses his dad?Seems he doesn't want to go back-What does that tell you??

Hold out a few more days, see how you get on, why are you contemplating going back? Exactly?.. It IS a scarey situation to be in, it is fear of the unknown,fear of change, but that change could be one of the best things to happen to you!and there are a hell of a lot of women on MN who have managed it ,and are doing it right now! You are not alone,tell yourself you deserve better!

why do you think if you don't go back things will get worse? In what way can they get worse? Sounds like things are better already whilst you are away which should give you a clue to how things could be.

I think you should go back and talk to him about what he thinks you are getting out of the relationship, what he is getting out of the relationship and how he sees things improving and how. If he blames you for everything then you could try writing things down.....what you like and don't like about the way he treats you and discuss how you plan to make things better. for example counselling....I think if he refuses point blank to counselling you could try and go on your own, but like you say it is expensive and really why would you go to counselling to try and save a marriage that he clearly puts no effort into. I would be more inclined to concentrate on myself in your situation, try to improve your own self esteem and confidence and start to make plans to leave your selfish husband for your sake and your sons.

I need to go back tonight to try and sort things out, at least give him a chance to try and make things better. i could go to my parents this weekend (if i can have/get the car) or my friend has said i can go back to hers, i really need to try and sort things out as i will need somewhere to go after my operation, and my parents live to far away to travel my son to and from school,

I think if i dont go back he could get more nasty, try and turn things around.

I have thought about writing things down but i dont know if he would read them to be honest, i suppose i could do it for my benefits.

Pink - listen to the people in real life who are saying there were never sure about your dh.

I don't like your dh.

You have a fucking medical issue and he's not stepping up as a parent or as a husband.

While i understand that you feel you need to go back tonight to try and sort things out, to do so will be very dangerous emotionally, you will almost certainly get sucked in again..

Please say what you need to say, and get out again to your parents for the weekend, regardless of the words that may come out of his mouth hinting towards 'repair', they are presently just words..

Your op isn't for another 2 weeks, concentrate on this weekend first.
Be strong Pinkhair

I'd say this - my dh is not unsimilar in is working life and attitudes. And they are not mutually exclusive.

I had similar - my dh has health issues which are only being dealt with because I intervened and ensured he had appointment etc.

At the same time I had a skin cancer diagnosed when pregnant - I ensured it was removed after baby was born and dh never even asked the result (it was removed quickly and all OK now)

That says it all as far as I'm concerned and your dh doesn't seem any different.

I've realised there's nothing in my relationship to save. What's in yours to save? How do you benefit as you seem to be doing absolutely everything anyhow.

Please keep us updated Pinkhair if you do go home tonight....let us know you are ok, stay strong xx

PinkHair...Really hope you are alright!.. Will you let us know, regardless of what Friday nights' outcome was? x

Leave him!
You deserve better.
So does your DS

Hello everyone, i went home on friday night, i wasn't going to go but when i spoke to him on the phone to say that i was going to stay another night at my friends, he said that he was leaving off work at 8pm and he wanted to see his son cos he has missed him, so he wanted me to bring him home or he was going to come and get him....when we got home, we had a long chat about how things were and how i felt about the situation and him, and he said he would try really hard to change, and do more for me around the house, and treat me better.

DH came and watched our DS play football, which was another issue we had, he dont like football so he wouldn't support our DS while he trained and played on sundays, he said it was taking up the whole weekend which wasn't fair for him..but we did have a lovely weekend together as a family, but i think DH thinks everything is ok now just becuase we had a good weekend, but it's not.....

I told him last night that i dont know where our marriage is going, i'm not sure if i love him anymore, i look at him sometimes and think yeah i really love him, and other times i dont. he said if i dont know how i feel about him then what is the point of carrying on. but i feel its not a decision i can make just like that, there is so much to take into consideration. but deep down i know it is proberly going to end that way.:(

Sounds like a really crappy situation you are in.

Personally, I would be demanding that your son comes first; I bloody hate football, but would be happy to take my son to it, as it is something he enjoys.

I would also make couple counselling a proviso of you staying in the relationship.

You have one life and you deserve to be happy, loved and cherished.

Hugs xx

Thanks Tubbyduffs for your advice, i have spoke to DH about counselling but he wont go, says he dont want to talk to anyone else about his problems, but i think we need it.

How can i make him see that counselling is the best and proberly only option to help save our marriage?

If he won't go, then you go to counselling, pinkhair. This might give you the courage to do something, like leave.

One weekend is nothing. There's a whole lifetime of selfish behaviour here to unravel. Really, I also think you've got to do something here because you have now told him you're not sure you love him and he has said "what's the point?". It sounds as though he is completely un-invested in your romantic relationship anyway. He told you he was missing his son, but not you.

Has he always been quite this uncaring with you, or has this got much worse in recent months/years? Is there any possibility that he is having an affair, for example?

Pink Your back! I was worried you might just go back to the house on Friday and submit, you seemed low and panicky .. But you didn't!You stood your ground,Bloody excellent You should be so proud!!..

The whole "if you don't know how you feel about me then whats the point in carrying on" statement is just like my XP..Boo hoo hoo, woe is me,emotional shock tactics , designed to make you panic and reply "Oh i did't mean it, i'm sorry i said that"..

I really really don't understand the big problem with the counselling thing they have, It seems a stubborn reinforcement of the 'i'm too old to change' 'this is just how i am, like it or lump it theory', but actually i think they are scared of what might actually be uncovered.

It's almost as if putting you down, and controlling you, it gives them power and confidence- if they have to admit you are an equal and you are just as important, where does that leave them, who are they??

That's the conclusion i have drawn anyway, it may well be a pile of pants! At the end of the day, you can't help or change someone who doesn't want to help or change themselves

I went to counselling by myself, it was so good, it really helped to untangle my thoughts, see clearly, and realize who I was
away from all the put downs and venom that i'd listened to..

Keep posting!You did bloody good!

I have thought more and more about counselling and i'm going to go on my own, it might just give me the strenght to face the important decisions i have to make.

When i look back at our relationship i suppose he has always been like this, but because i was so young (15) when we got together, i didnt really know any different, i thought this was how things were meant to be and when i look back it was always me that done things for him so i could spend more time with him, (hobbies) he never once done anything for me.

I dont think he is having an affair, well there aren't no tell tale signs anyway.

When i said to him about not missing me only his son, he then said 'of course i missed you', yeah right, you only said that cos i asked.

Jellykat i do feel proud that i didnt back down, deep down i thought i was going to, but i kept thinking of all of you and the advice you have given me and thought no i can do this, it has been hard for me to do this though, cos usually i would have gone back to the old ways by now just to make things easier, but i am trying to stay strong in my mind.

since i told DH that i didnt know how i feel about him anymore he is really trying to be nice now, not moaning at me if i want to take the car, asking if there is anything that is needed to be done around the house, would i like him to go and pick our DS up from school, and so on, i wonder how long this is going to last.

Thanks again for all your support and advice. xx