What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

Pinkhair So you can't do anything right now because of your back op. Wrong! You can start planning your next steps. Think around all the options:

Is there someone you could stay when you are ready to leave?

Have you got a deposit to rent somewhere, if not can you start saving?

Do you have copies of important paperwork like bank statements, his wage slips etc, if not get copying!

Could you leave copies of the important papers in a bag at a friend's house as your DH has form for going through your bag?

Don't get too worried about your DS's school etc he is young yet and would cope with a move especially if he was no longer being yelled at for being a kid. If you stay with your DH how will you explain to your DS why he has to give up football so your DH can cycle (I don't believe that he has abandoned that plan for next year).

Best of luck and keep posting

He is a nasty man and he isn't going to change. He is not a good Dad for your son to be living with.

Please don't be scared of life without him - everyone here and the support services will help you through it!

You need some legal advice. You need him to move out.

Ring Womens Aid & CAB tomorrow and see what help they can offer you.

Pinkhair, there are schools near your mum and dad's house too you know. Get DS enrolled in one of them, even if it's only till Christmas.

If you don't know what any of them are like, ask your mum to ask around her friends - there'll be some doting grannies who'll extol the virtues of their GC's school.

Headteachers get kids into their school short term all the time, so don't think that they'll be shocked when you tell them why it's possibly only a short term enrolment, and the Head will keep your situation confidential if you ask him/her.

Ask your mum or dad to come and pick you up if necessary, but get some legal advice before you go anywhere because you don't want your husband deciding to change the locks or similar.

And keep posting.

You said a couple of posts ago that you were going to stay with him and see if he changes, when people point out that he won't change you post that you have no where to go but imply that you want to leave, but have no where to go.....which is it Pinkhair?

Either he is showing you changes and agreeing to a plan of action, for example agreeing to counselling or a weekly chat about how things are going for both of you....or he's not. Either way things seem to be back to how they were, or heading that way. You have to make a decision, if you are no longer communicating, you can try and review the situation with him by talking about where you are/what you are feeling or you can tell him you want to split up and make plans for him to move out. If he is really a reasonable man who loves you (as he says he does) he will give you space and not ask you to move your son out.

Either you are giving up very quickly (as a few days ago you said you knew it would take time) or you are so unhappy the situation is as unbearable as it has been for years and it is finally sinking in this man is never going to change and is unable to give you love and has no interest in you being happy. Must be a nightmare, you sound very unhappy and you deserve to be happy, and more importantly so does your son.

I am sorry if I am sounding confusing, its just yes I do want to leave but something is holding me here. I have now realised I dont love my dh but am very attached to him as we have been together for 20years, if only he would treat me better then our relationship would stand a chance, but once again I told him tonight that he is going back to his old ways and he said this is who I am and i'm not changing. So why the hell cant I get that into my thick head and do whats best for me and my son and go. I'm so bloody useless :-(

I am sorry if I am sounding confusing, its just yes I do want to leave but something is holding me here. I have now realised I dont love my dh but am very attached to him as we have been together for 20years, if only he would treat me better then our relationship would stand a chance, but once again I told him tonight that he is going back to his old ways and he said this is who I am and i'm not changing. So why the hell cant I get that into my thick head and do whats best for me and my son and go. I'm so bloody useless :-(

pinkhair you are not useless you have been ground down and can't see your way forward.

You said you would move back to your family if it wasn't so far from school. How about doing some research into the school near to your parents and whether it has spaces? That would give you a bit of useful information that might demolish one of the barriers between you and a happy calm place to live.

As to what is holding you, could it be force of habit? pride? or fear? Dont worry you will know when it is time to leave him.

Sorry I didn't see your post earlier.

It is incredibly hard when you have been with someone 20 years. :(

The thing is - your son deserves better and so do you. You don't want to spend the next 20 years with this twat do you? Not to mention the fact that I am pretty sure you don't want your son growing up to be like this.

Find the strength from that and leave. In a years time you will wonder what took you so long!

He isn't going to treat you any better. He says what you want to hear just long enough to put you back in your place and then starts with the same old crap all over again. Can you stand another 20 years of this?
It is not better for your DS to be living with a father that actively wants to stop him doing something he enjoys (footy) purely because he doesn't want you talking to other (normal) people or being unavailable to serve him.
He is an emotional and financially abusive knob. He will never change. Only thing that can change is your attitude to him.

Why is it i cant make this final decision about our relationship/marriage, as to either stay and try and change him or leave. we kind of had a chat last night and i told him that he was slipping back to his old ways again, he said he thought things were ok between us, but there not, he thinks cos he is helping out around the house and cooking and cleaning for me as i cant do any of that at the moment as im recovering from a major back operation he thinks its ok, but its not, its the little things that hurt me, the way he is always swearing at the slightest thing like if he drops something in the kitchen, he makes such a song and dance about it, even my best friend commented on how there is an atmosphere in the house when he is around. also if i do decide to leave its going to break my ds heart as he has got really attached to dh at the minute cos he is doing everything for him. Another issue we have is dh is always saying that i dont support him or back him up when he tells our ds off, the trouble is it is always over the slightest little thing and i think its not right, surely my ds deserves to be a child and be able to play with more than one toy at a time or run and shout about to let some steam off, what 6 year old child do you know that sits stills and do nothing.....none!!!!!

((HUG))

It is a difficult decision to make because you have been together a long time, you once loved him and you have a child - don't be so hard on yourself.

Sadly - he's also a wanker who doesn't deserve you or your DS. He doesn't do things for/with him (yeah maybe a little bit now because he absolutely has to, but not normally), he treats you like crap - he goes through your handbag to find a stick to beat you with - he's unsupportive, moody, shouty, selfish.... need I go on?

You can give him 100 more chances - but you will just end up here again.

Agree totally with chippingin.....He won't change. He sounds nasty and is incapable of showing you any kind of love. Not really your problem to deal with anymore though, he is an adult, you have given him 20 years of your life and recently plenty of chances to change. He hasn't got the decency to even try and change his behaviour long term. It sounds like he treats you nicely sometimes and you are grateful, but it doesn't last, he should be treating you nicely ALL THE TIME. it's what you deserve. He has worn you down and you are finding it hard to believe you can be treated better, but you can. Don't spend anymore time getting worn down and probably very depressed. Life is too short. Good luck xxxxx

Thank you chippingin and allouttalove for you comments they are so true, I know I keep giving him chance after chance in the hope he will finally change, but I think i'm kidding myself. I have a wheel chair at home to help me get about outside cos I cant walk long distance at mo and tomorrow its the switch on in our town with stalls and fun things for the kids to do, wine for the adults and I spoke about taking our ds to it but said i'll have to go in the wheel chair cos its too much for me, straight away he said well i'm not pushing you around in it, you dont need that. How mean can one get, but now he has asked do you need me to come tomorrow night...thing is I feel like saying no fuck off you couldn't do it when I first asked so why now, or do I give in let him come and proberly have a really crap night cos all he will do is moan.

Pinkhair,

I would go without him. Stuff him, the miserable abusive old wotsit.

You've given him more than enough chances; time to cut your losses now with this man before you and your DS get dragged down with him even further. You don't want another month of this, let along another three, five or even ten years.

Twenty years together is a long time but you met him as well when you were very young and naive. A lot of shared history together means bugger all when he acts abusively towards both you and your child.

Do talk to Womens Aid as well, they can help you.

Fucking hell - if that doesn't make you see what a complete bastard he is - nothing will

Have you got a friend that could go with you? Could you just wheel yourself? I would do anything but let that bastard spoil another night by being a whinging whining cock.

(Where abouts are you - I'm in the SE)

You will never move on whilst you are still considering spending an evening that would otherwise be a fun and friendly family occasion with him.

You have to detach, pinkhair, or you will be posting variations of the same thread for the rest of your life.

Not a good prospect

You don't have a "fun and friendly" family when he is in it.

Get him out of it, and I think you will find your contentment and your mojo again.

he is an emotional vampire and while you keep giving him chances, he is sucking you dry.

ChippingIn i'm in norfolk, i have got friends who have said they will push me around, but i think its not fair on them when i have someone at home who is more than capable of doing it, just cant be arsed and ashamed to see me in a wheelchair, for what ever reason. i have got some serious thinking to do and lots of decisions to make, so dont worry if im not on here for a while, but i will keep you all posted. thank you all so much for all your advice. xx

There seem to be a lot of MN'ers in Norfolk - must be a nice place to live :)

Don't be silly - go with your friends. I'm sure they want to go with you and they wont be ashamed (WTF) to be with you in a WC.

He really is a fucking twat.

Pop in to let us know you are OK - even if you only say Hi... will be thinking of you !

Do you know what ChippingIn i am going to go tonight with my son and my friends and have the best time ever, sod what dh wants or says he's going to do, i'm doing this for my ds and i know if i go on my own he will have a better time. Thank you so much ChippingIn :)

Have a nice time, PH x

Pinkhair I hope you have a nice time too. Your horrible H's response to your wheelchair plight tells you and us, all we need to know. I couldn't help noticing a contradiction in your recent posts. First you said:

"If I do decide to leave its going to break my ds heart as he has got really attached to dh at the minute cos he is doing everything for him." and then about the event tonight:

"I know if I go on my own he (DS) will have a better time."

The last statement seems the more accurate barometer of your DS's feelings, if this marriage ends. One of the most common bargains women make in unhappy marriages is that they are staying for the children, when in fact they should be leaving for the children. You are an adult and can therefore decide that you will put up with being sworn at, a horrible atmosphere in the house so that nobody wants to come to it and a relationship where you are treated like an unpaid skivvy.

Your poor son has no such choice. He has to rely on his care-givers to provide an environment where he can be a child, let off steam, pursue the hobby he adores and not see an example of a man treating the mother he loves, like shit.

This is going to sound harsh pinkhair but you are letting your son down, because you cannot accept that the man you're married to doesn't love you. You're putting this relationship before your son.

Remove the circumstantial barriers to leaving this horrible individual one by one. You can move, you can change schools, you can survive financially. All of those are red herrings because the biggest barrier here is your own unwillingness to accept defeat. But this is not a battle you could have ever won, so it's pointless.

You cannot make someone love you and your son as they should do. It's nothing to do with either of you. This man is deeply selfish, angry and entitled. He would treat anyone like this, but since he's also a bully, he is more likely to treat people who are too kind and submissive for their own good, worse. So he bullies you and he bullies a 6-year old. Big man, huh?

WWIFN - have you heard of 'battered woman's syndrome'?

Yes and it's pretty relevant here, isn't it?

Yes, it happens. And it is so hard for family/friends around that person to comprehend how someone does not feel capable/can't let go.

Damn brainwashing.