What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

Of course it's hard to understand the reasons why women stay.

It doesn't mean that they are not still listening, and absorbing, and assimilating outside assessments of their situation all the time.

Yes, but we must never lose sight of the fact that it is a choice to stay in a relationship that is causing harm to the children. I was that child myself. My own mother has always prided herself on her mothering and this is actually what has defined her, sadly.

If someone had been honest enough to say to her that she was actually damaging her children by staying in a relationship blighted by domestic violence (his) and emotional abuse (hers) then this would have been her wake-up moment, not that she would ever have recognised how damaging her own behaviours were - and still can't. It wouldn't have had any effect whatsoever on my father, because parenting wasn't what defined him at all.

But their toxic relationship was of its time, when conditioning and religion appeared to limit their choices. Therefore as an adult, I can forgive them those choices to an extent, while acknowledging the traumatic effects on us, their children.

There is always a choice and a child brought up in this atmosphere might be less forgiving when as an adult, he realises that his parents put their own feelings before his.

WWIFN, I have a poor relationship with my parents, for this very same reason

I have absolutely no respect for their dysfunctional relationship, that is still playing along the same toxic lines as it was 40 years ago!

Unfortunately, that disrespect inevitably filters into my general lack of regard for them. I blame them for some very poor choices I made in my teens.

Yes, I was luckier than you AF, in that my parents' marriage ended just before my teens, but it still had its effects. I also regard myself as far luckier than my H, whose parents waited until all the kids had left home before ending their sterile relationship.

You are talking about Battered womens syndrome, but my dh doesn't batter me, i know he would never hit me, in the past he has thrown things out of temper, but never at me just into a space, he will also punch things if he loses his temper too, but it hasn't happened for a while now.

I know im letting my son down, and that is really killing me inside, but i just cant find the strength in me to do anything about it, i just back down to dh for an easier life, which i know is wrong.

pinkhair emotional abuse is as much a form of "battering" as physical abuse. They both serve the same purpose - to remind you that you have no rights in the relationship at all and that your needs will always come below those of the Alpha partner.

So you don't have a right to go to out tonight because it might inconvenience your DH. He might choose to assist you but you will bloody well be made to pay the price as he acts the martyr all evening. This is emotional abuse and it really wears you down as you end up always putting yourself last because the hassle you get if you try and insist ruins the whole day anyway.

Please go out with your friends today and enjoy yourself it is your absolute right.

Battered womens syndrome is a sydrome....it's EXACTLY what your 'd'H is doing to you. Not physically maybe but CERTAINLY is battering you emotionally. It's actually proven that this kind of emotional abuse is just as difficult to deal with as physical abuse...in fact harder sometimes to leave as you are made to slowly feel everything is your fault and you are in the wrong if you leave.

AND by the way....throwing things and emotional abuse is definitely a RED FLAG to potential physical abuse...... I am a little dubious when you say he has 'never' been violent towards you AND In my opinion throwing things when angry is physical abuse as you can't say categorically that something couldn't hit you and that you weren't very scared that it wouldn't hit you or turn on you. If my H started throwing things around in anger near me I would be terrified. He is clearly giving you the message that he could be violent towards you by not controlling his anger in an adult way.

My DH has never, ever thrown anything in anger

Nor mine AF and I would run if he did but but we're splitting up for other reasons...like he accidently shags other women.
Here is a checklist Pinkhair if you haven't seen it...
Click on this

OHHHH USE IN PRIVATE BROWSING BEFORE CLICKING ON LINK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

allouttalove...that is seriously a dealbreaker too

AF ~ Tis a dealbreaker for me and deal is done. He goes. ....His loss.

Sorry, love

But you are right, his loss

allouttalove :( sorry about your shitty situation too - I'm glad you are getting out of it.

Pink - go out tonight - have fun!! See what life would be like without him making it one big misery fest x

Thanks AF.....like the op, it's not like I haven't tried to make things work.....I have looked at myself and tried to take responsibility for my shortcomings too. But my H's idea of trying is mainly making cups of tea for me more regularly. Some blokes don't know how fucking lucky they are till it's too late. Happy being 'pre divorce' single at the mo!!!

Wonder how pinkhairs night is going to go tonight!!

Thanx chippingin x

pinkhair I feared that when you saw Gardenglory's reference to battered women syndrome, you would conclude that just because you aren't suffering physical violence (and that's a moot point, because of course you are if he is throwing things or assaulting inanimate objects) then this doesn't apply to you, so you can let yourself off the hook.

You are being abused and so is your son.

Hi all, I had a fantastic time with my best friend tonight, dh did use the line of well at least I know where I stand, I know you dont love me anymore and when you go out I wont be here when you get back, but surprise surprise he is still here and acting as though nothing is wrong, it is doing my fucking head in I just dont know where I stand anymore and the more I think about it he is just playing with my mind.

Yes, he is playing with your head

You called his bluff and realised his threats are empty

Of course he will act like nothing is wrong...he will not ever admit he is fucked-up, he probably genuinely believes he is hard-done by

Emotional blackmail, eh...that is a piss-poor attempt, he isn't even any fucking good at it because you see right through him

I am glad you had a nice evening x

I don't think any of us are surprised that he would do everything to try and ruin your evening. He said he didn't want to take you, you arranged to go anyway and he's lost control of you. Of course he's having a temper tantrum.
You're not reacting so he's preending he's done nothing wrong. If you expressed your feelings of disgust at his behaviour he will say "what's the matter with you? You didn't want me to go, you are starting an argument, it's always my fault" etc etc etc. I know this, not bacause I am a spy, but because it is typical emotional abuse behaviour, playing with your mind, it's like a play being played out. It's written in every emotional abuse book.
Well done for taking control and going anyway xxx Hope your DS loved it too!

Allouttalove my ds had a fantastic time, he was running around with my best friends boys and saying to her, I am having so much fun I love it!! It he seems to me that he is full of empty threats because he said at least I know where I stand yet different to me when I got home for example asked if I had a nice time etc etc, to me he is like jekyll and hide he changes so quickly, I have told him this but of course he denies it and says its me that makes him angry and lose his temper cos I wind him up, and then I dont stop I just keep going till he either throws something or swears at me, then he says see look what you have made me do....

I also spoke to dh about councelling again and he said he thought it was a great idea because I really need it (meaning me) and I said what about you I think you need it to, he said there's nothing wrong with me i'm the one whos ok its you thats not.

he is like jekyll and hide he changes so quickly, I have told him this but of course he denies it and says its me that makes him angry and lose his temper cos I wind him up, and then I dont stop I just keep going till he either throws something or swears at me, then he says see look what you have made me do....

classic abuser's tactic

keeps you wrong-footed and confused, so you start to blame yourself

PH...is this how you want to live your life

are these the lessons you want to teach your son ? How would you feel if he grew up and mirrored the behaviour he sees from his father in his own relationships?

Yes it is AF. All the classic signs of abuse are here, so much so, it is like a script.

Get onto Amazon pinkhair if you need someone other than Mumsnet to convince you what's going on here and buy:

Why does he do that? -Inside the minds of angry and controlling men, by Lundy Bancroft.

Or ask your astute best friend to buy it for you for Christmas if, as I suspect, your H would up the ante when he finally realises you have rumbled him.

Would also be worth printing out this thread and showing it to your friend, because she is trying to tell you how worried she is about you, but she perhaps needs our voices to articulate what she's wrestling with.