What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

Pinkhair - he will always think it is you that is/has the problem/are to blame(although some do take the blame, apparently, but only as a tactic to reel you back in).

I am still trying to reason with myself that I am not to blame, (I will always look at both sides, maybe too much in my case!). It is a battle and the other person can be so bloody good at convincing you.

Why do women seem so much more ready to take the blame naturally than men, anyway? (or is it just me?)

Pinkhair - do you take the blame when he throws something at you because you have 'gone on at him'?

Is he intolerant of you when you try to talk to him, gets easily irritated, says you are too 'needy'......

Do you feel totally confused alot of the time and think - 'ok, it must be me, maybe I am difficult, like he says I am'.

Does he lack empathy for you and other people generally.

Sorry, hijacking.

Pinkhair - I'm glad you both (you and DS) had a good time last night. Was this an insight as to how life could be without H on his mindfucking mission?

Counselling with someone who thinks they have nothing to gain from it is a waste of time, better to use the sessions to clear your own mind.

No-one wants to push you into doing something that isn't right for you - but it's hard to stand by and watch someone being downtrodden by a miserable bastard with control issues.

A lot of what you have said beleiveyoume is true, I and do blame myself always have and as long as I stay with him I know I will continue too.

But i'll tell you all something to, dh has been at work today and when he came home he got himself some dinner and then we got ready to go out shopping, but he was playing and messing around with our ds like he hasn't done for ages and its times like this when I think well maybe I should just stick with it.
And then when going round tesco doing our shopping dh was rushing tolly around with and I was wheeling myself in my wheelchair and I all I was how much longer i'm so fed up, and when I said to him do you really think I like sitting in this wheelchair not being able to do anything, do you reckon i'm just in it for the hell of it, and he said well it wouldn't surprise me, I was gobsmacked. And I think my look said it all, and then yet again as nice as pie when were home again, I really dont know where I stand any more.

OMFG.....He thinks you would sit in a wheelchair for the hell of it???? That says it all really. Why, why oh WHY would you let yourself be treated like this.

He was playing with you ds......he can do that if you split up, BUT your ds would be mostly protected from the utter vile shite that continues to come out of your H's mouth towards his beloved mum.
'Nice as pie' when you got home......I think you mean 'he was a reasonable human being' when you got home??
Do actually feel 'loved' in any way shape of form??
STOP balming yourself, get out of that mindset. You CAN change this situation.

playing and messing around with our ds like he hasn't done for ages

he said well it wouldn't surprise me,

I really dont know where I stand any more

Exactly he has you right where he wants you.

Do you have your 'customise' set to highlighting the OP's posts? It's very useful. Go through, read all of your own posts, ignore all the others. If this was your friend - what would you say?

OP, sounds like when you are going through the everyday activities in life with him, you feel, ok, this is not that bad, and then he takes a shot at you, showing complete meanness, it is like someone continually pulling the rug out from under you; you question where you stand with them, you question whether you are making a big deal of the hurtful remarks etc.

It is soul-destroying when you try to accept that the person you had your hopes and dreams with does not actually care about you. I know. I am there too. But, in my case, after years of trying and trying, it looks like it was a waste of time on my part as the decision to end it is being taken out of my hands.

I have tried talking to h about things but he says that i'm blowing everything out of proportion and things aren't that bad, he said to me the other day that he knows I dont love him so why is he still here, and I know why haven't I left... I dont know why I cant bring myself to leave, Part of me wants to but then I look at him and think we have had some good times together its a shame if we throw it all away. I'm so confused about everything and I feel like i'm just wasting everyones time on here cos I cant bring myself to do anything about it, i'm so sorry to everyone x x x

pinkhair it is as clear as day to everyone on here that you are in an abusive relationship and that you are being gaslighted. Google that word and tell me if I'm wrong.

But I sense you need someone in RL to say this to your face and so you've demonstrated that you're open to counselling, so go by yourself and don't, on any account go to couples counselling with him.

When you screen for counsellors on the phone, ask them if they have got experience of helping someone in an abusive relationship and if they have experience of helping someone who has been gaslighted. It will be the best money you have ever spent, if it finally gets you to wake up to what is happening here and if you can at last give yourself permission to protect your son and get the hell out of this marriage.

name change check!

HI
I am a regular poster/lurker and introduce Pinkhair to Mumsnet. I have been lurking on her thread with interest. Mainly because I have said eveything everyone has said here. I just want to thank you all so much for all your amazing support. It supports me too!!
WWIFN~ Amazingly thankful that you also recognise the gaslighting. I mentioned that to Pinkhair on Friday!!
I will be catching up with Pinkhair this week for a bottle of wine and a chat. I see her most days and I took her to the towns christmas lights thing. We had a lovely time. Just very very sad that she is in this situation.....

Pinkhair - you are not wasting our time, no-one has to post on here, if they don't want to, they wont. I am frustrated, but more so with my own inability to find a way to show you that he is being abusive and you deserve so much more than this :( Re-read what you have written and tell me - what would you say to your friend if she had written it?

PinkhairsBF - I am glad you are there for her, I am glad you all went and had a good time with misery guts the other night. I wish there was more we could do to help :(

As Pinkhair knows, I am also very frustrated with getting her to consistently recognise how awful he is being to her.

Pinkhair came to stay with me for a couple of days and felt happy and more relaxed then she had in a long time, so pinkhair does recognise how things could be and how uncomfortable they are at home, but lacks the confidence and conviction to actually leave. I am harrasing her to go to counselling to process the information. The whole appalling behaviour/abuse is something Pinkhair has only recently (in the last year or so) recognised and is in total shock/disbelief really.
I am so glad she has this thread as a back up to what I (and a couple of other close friends) have been saying. It has really helped for her to see that other women know his behaviour is totally unacceptable and abusive, and the damage it is doing.

Pinkhair has accepted her dh's behaviour towards her as 'normal' for many many years.

Hope you don't mind me posting Pinkhair...... [shocked]

[shocked]

ohhh bollox, I meant to look like this

No advice as you've had fab advice here, but wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you PinkHair and I hope you find the strength to leave your H as he sounds horrendous. You and your lovely DS deserve so much better.

The Jekyll and Hyde thing is such a classic symptom of this type of relationship. The difference is, in the story the nice side was the real man and the monster took over occasionally - in real life these "Jekyll and Hyde" characters are the other way around. The nasty side is the real them and the nice side is a front they put on, or a whim which takes them on occasion. (Often when they fear losing something or someone! Very very rarely an attack of conscience, much as they might want you to think that) Unfortunately, it doesn't matter how good they are at being mr. nice or how much of the time the nice man is there, when you get down to it, mr. nasty underneath is always going to be lurking.

Pinkhairsbestfriend, you know i dont mind you posting on here, you have been so good to me in the past and still are now in the future.
WWIFN- i checked out what you were saying about gaslighted, and yes you are right.

We talked again last night has i told him that things cant go on as they are and he said that he's not happy, he doesn't know what he wants, he's not even sure if he wants me and our ds, he is talking about getting the house valued after xmas and selling up, but he cant tell me why he is feeling like this, apart from one thing he did says is that our ds doesn't need to see what has been going on between us two, its not right for him. but he said if we split he doesnt know if we can still be friends, but i said we need to be at least on talking terms for our ds if nothing us.

He is so cold towards me now, he didnt speak to me this morning, he has gone into work early, and if i try and approach the subject of us, all i get is i dont know what i want out of life.
I cant live like this, if this is how its going to be until anything is sorted then im going to lose my mind.

pinkhair he has used this manipulative trick before, hasn't he? As soon as he appears to be backing out of the relationship himself he knows that you will want him to stay. As you know, in the earlier part of your thread, I thought he might be having an affair and trying to get himself sacked. That still wouldn't surprise me, because as soon as abusers realise that their victim has finally cottoned on to them, they tend to find another as a replacement.

Go and get the house valued yourself. Since you are married, it is half yours. Steal his thunder.

I was enormously relieved to read your dear friend's posts last night. And glad that you have realised you are being gaslighted. Now that you have recognised this and have a real-life person who has seen it too, can I suggest that you call Women's Aid without delay? They will advise you about what to do to get him out of the house, or what your rights will be if you leave until it is sold.

Please pinkhair I am begging you. Don't stay living with him for a moment longer. He will not change. By my reckoning, you are about 35 now? You are in the prime of your life, but every further year spent with this man will have the effect of 10, on your spirit.

You are blessed with good friends and family and so you know that this isn't about you at all. You've made further friendships at DS's football and at his school. You are much more resilient than you think, because you have resisted what must have at times seemed like an irresistible force to become introverted and give up on outside friendships, because of his reaction.

You don't need anybody's permission to leave him but your own, but it is worth remembering that when you do, a whole army of friends, family and us will be cheering on the sidelines. It is also the most precious gift you can give to your son. Again, I beg you - please put him first in all this and give him the childhood he deserves.

WWIFN- i know he has been like this before, but something to me seems different, we went out to norwich last night to see a show that we had booked ages again, and when we were on our way home we came through norwich and h said to me, this is one place i would really like to live, all these pubs and bands playing it would be so good, especially if i was single, now for my h to say that it is one hell of a shock as he is a country lad through and through, lived out in the sticks all his life, never been to a night club cos he doesn't like them.

so where did that come from.......

i know i keep going on and on and on about it but i feel so crap, i have no strength left in me to even argue with him, all i want to do is curl up and cry, yet i know deep down its for the best, but i cant get my brain to realise that, and i feel that i'm letting his parents down and his nan cos its all his got. i just wish i had the strength but i really know deep down that its going to go back to how things were.....cos i will end up giving in, im sorry for letting you all down, i really am. :( :(