What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

Oh my god! You were 15! and you've been together for 19 years!!

I am astounded that you haven't been fully modelled into a Stepford wife!! Its amazing that you are kicking back, and questioning, especially as this really IS all you have truly known!

Yes, it is time to find out who you are away from your relationship, try and find a counsellor who is personally recommended by friends..

I'm glad your DH is making an effort at last,but remember that his behaviour is all he has known too, you are right to be sceptical, there is a wonderful saying - 'A leopard never changes his spots,until he gets counselling!'
Maybe you have given him a big enough kick up the arse to frighten him, but yes, how long for....

I wish you so so much luck in finding happiness,You are a strong brave lady!!x

OMG Pink, I missed this thread, but you certainly had the best of the best here to give their spot on advice.

Bottom line this man is a Neanderthal, to be this heartless, this entitled and this self centred for so long, he is never going to change. Oh he;ll appease you for a while, but I guarantee that he'll get to a stage where he says OK OK, enough pandering now, get back to normal.... and there it will be... abck to square one.

you deserve better, your DS deserves better and the last thing you want is DS learning how to treat women by watching his dad.

Can I give you a ?

Oh and another for giveitago, you've been kind to me on a couple of thread comments I've made and I hadn't realised your story. We are in similar boats.

I need some help and advice really quick please.

H said to me last night that i should go to my parents this weekend cos he needs space, i told him that im not going and he should go, its him who needs the space.

but then....he went through my bag while i was in bed and found out that i have a credit card, (in my name) and because i didnt tell him, he went mad, staying that he doesnt trust me anymore, and was i really putting money from his bank into our savings account or was i spending it, he said he wants all that money out now, and he said hes going to change the mortgage to just his name, he doesnt want our mariage to continue anymore.

What do i do, can he really do this?

My parents have a similar marriage to yours... similar threats were made... they stayed together for the kids. They are still together, and have spent the last 20 years making each other miserable... they are finally getting on now - in their late 60s.

I have only ever managed one relationship past three months, and find it really difficult to trust that a long term relationship will ever work and have a constant fear of ending up in a relationship like theirs. Please don't do this to your son.

Get yourself some legal advice, quick, and in the meanwhile don't sign anything financial. You are quite right to refuse to leave the house.

No he can't do this and you should stay firmly put. Phone a solicitor today and get a free half hour of advice. Go to the CAB too.

You're both keeping secrets from eachother and this marriage is toxic. I'm even more suspicious about an affair now, but although that knowledge might help you detach and I think information is power, it doesn't really matter because this man is horrible and you'd be better off without him. He doesn't love you, pinkhair.

NO - he cannot do this!

You are married, that means the savings are yours jointly.

He also cannot take you off the mortgage without your written permission, so don't let him scare you.

See a solictor!

When you divorce, you will be entitled to at least half the equity in the house. And at least half of any other marital assets, which includes your savings, and the car!

He sounds like one of these men that sees everything as HIS and you will be accused of trying to take it away from him. But it is as much yours as it is his - and don't forget it.

You have a difficult period in front of you - stay strong! And get informed!

PINK.. just seen latest posting..

NO, he cannot do anything about joint finances without your signature, as the others have said... DONT LET HIM SCARE YOU ANYMORE..

Thats it now! No more chances!!
Hope you are seeing CAB or someone legal this afternoon, to hear confirmation of what we are saying, if not ring Womens Aid, they'll help.

Is there anyway a friend can come and stay with you in your house? He'll have to leave then surely!..

STAY STRONG PINK! You've come a long way, and you're doing amazingly!

Keep posting. x

Hope you are okay Pinkhair..

Hi everyone, just wanted to keep you all updated with the latest details, I think I went to hell and back, he nearly walked out on our marriage said he didnt know who I was any more, but he did say he wanted to talk as this was the last thing he wanted, and we really did talk loads and both cried loads, and I know it has only been a few days, but so far he has changed drastically, and he even said he likes the person he has now become. I know its early days and there is a long way to go, but at least he is trying. I will keep you all updated with my progress and once again from the bottom of my heart thank you all so much for all the advice you have given me. x x x

pinkhair, You are a total star for having been so strong over the past few weeks. I really hope that whatever happens it turns out well for you.

Thank you jonicomelately, I have had lots of support,which I feel very lucky to have had. X x

Hello everyone, just wanted some more advice please, I have had my back op, it was on the 3rd nov, and dh took 3 weeks off to look after me and our ds. But every now and then he slips back to how he was before, always moaning and swearing or shouting at our ds for no reason, not giving him any space to be a child, he's only 6. I know he is finding it hard now he is back at work and having to look after the house and me, but now he knows how I do it. What i'm asking is do you think he will change if I give him long enough? X x

I think, to be fair to him (which is v difficult), that even if he genuinely wants to change then he is not going to find it easy - I don't think you can change a lifetimes attitudes and behaviour easily even when you really want to.
You obviously did give him a big kick up the ass so maybe you need to keep reminding him. Each time he slips back to his old ways, once he has calmed down, remind him of what you have been through and what you both agreed on and ask him to keep trying as it is not fair to make your son miserable.
I have absolutely no idea if what I'm suggesting is the right thing to do but it does seem that he has been trying and if he has spent a lifetime being mollycoddled looked after by his mum then you, then looking after you, DS and house will have been one hell of a (good) shock. I know I'm shouty when I'm exhausted/ stressed even if its not fair or considerate to my kids/ partner

I think the things that hurt me the most are when we have an arguement or a few words and we say things we dont always mean, he will always say things like, well if you dont like it then f##k off or leave. It really does hurt my feelings the way he talks to me sometimes but he really cant see that.

pinkhair - I've just read your thread, you've done an amazing thing for yourself and your son.

As HillyHilly says, change is going to be hard for him. Changing the way we act is like changing any habit - it needs a lot of willpower and reinforcement. There are likely to be many slip ups.

Have you asked him about the regressions? If not you should. See if you can get an idea of whether he still wants to change. Not in the middle of one of his fits but later, when he's being reasonable, try asking him about how hard he's finding it. Maybe ask if he thinks there is anything you can do to help (do not agree to do whatever it is he's trying to get out of doing when he has a fit though - I'm thinking more along the lines of something you can say to him in the middle of it that he can use as an anchor to pull himself out).

I think the indicators that this is change that will sustain are, after the honeymoon period, are those slip ups getting more infrequent or more common? And are the bad behaviour patterns being replaced with good ones or is there just a whole there?

Good luck. I do hope you're recovering from the back op.

Thank you for your advice, I will give it a try and let you know how things go. I know he's not going to change overnight and he is trying, it just hurts when he starts being nasty again thats all. Speak to you all soon x x :-)

"he nearly walked out on our marriage said he didnt know who I was any more, but he did say he wanted to talk as this was the last thing he wanted, and we really did talk loads and both cried loads, and I know it has only been a few days, but so far he has changed drastically, and he even said he likes the person he has now become. I know its early days and there is a long way to go, but at least he is trying. I will keep you all updated with my progress and once again from the bottom of my heart thank you all so much for all the advice you have given me. x x x"

Oh Pink (sigh),

You have capitulated.

The only tears that bother me are yours. His are manipulative and for effect, to make you feel sorry for him. It worked. TBH I wish he had walked then you'd be free of him swearing at you.

He didn't know who you were anymore snort - this is because you are fighting his completely controlling ways and he does not like it one bit.

Pink I am sorry to write this but he's doing a tactic that these types of men often do. Controlling behaviour is abusive. Its all designed to give you hope, a false hope at that - and keep you quiet and acqueiscent. Any change to behaviours will be but short term; he will revert to type eventually because he knows no different. You cannot rescue and or save him here. Its a tactic too that has worked so far on women with inherently low self worth (you were probably an emotionally vulnerable 15 year old as well when you met and he took full advantage) and you're still there with him.

What you are both teaching your son about relationships here?. I would consider that thorny question as well. You're both teaching him damaging lessons. Would you want your child to treat his lady the way your H treats you?. No?. Well what you are showing him currently is that all this is acceptable to you.

Do read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft. Your H is within those pages.

Sorry to read this pinkhair but not surprised in the least. I wish you would stop making bargains in this relationship and stop accepting being abused and sworn at, if not for your sake, then your DS's. I dread to think the lessons he is learning from this relationship.

I know what you are all saying is true, and i should leave, but i cant, i dont know if its cos i'm scared, or dont want my ds to be without his dad, but then what is it he is learning by being around him....for a start i have no where to go, my parents dont live that close to me, so i would have to travel back and forth to school for my son but at the minute i cant drive as im still recovering from my back op which was only 3 weeks again. i really do need help but dont know where to go.

You don't want your DS to be without a father who swears and shouts at him?

I know what you are all saying, but he only swears at me when we have am arguement, thats when he usually loses it and start saying lots of different things, but he is always telling our ds to stop playing to noisy or you have to many toys out, why cant I make him see that he's only a child. He always moans at me and says I never stick with him when he tells our ds off, thats because I dont agree with why he's being told off, am I being unreasonable and need to support my h more?

Pinkhair your son deserves better than this and you know it. What sort of lesson is he learning.

Stop trying to defend this man. Wise up and if you can't get rid of him for you do it for your son.

You're actually asking whether you should back your H up when he is haranguing your son for being a child? Good grief Pinkhair hopefully that statement at least will help you to see how skewed your radar is when it comes to this relationship.

If I go now, I have no where to go, I need to stay near by for my ds sake so I can get him to and from school as I cant drive or hardly do anything at mo cos of my back op, so i'm stuck really.