What do i do!!

[pinkhair]

Hello there, i am having problems with my DH, he can be so nasty to me, he is always complaining that the housework doesn't get done and its always left to him (which it isn't) i have 2 jobs which means i am not always at home much but DH works shifts so if i ask him to help out he refuses and says thats right always leave it to me to do, at present i am awaiting a major back operation on 30th oct which limits me to what i can do, all DH can do is moan or have a go at everything i do, for example i find walking hard, cos of the pain, but im not allowed to use the car and if i do it has to be for a very good reason.
Our DS plays football for the local town and he loves it, but its always me who takes him to football, which i love but it would be nice if HD would take an interest in our DS's interest, i know he doesn't like football but surely he should do it for our DS?
Regarding our DS doing football DH has said that it has now messed up his cycling as it means i cant drive him to a place for him to be able to cycle home cos im always doing football at weekends, i told him we can always sort something out and work round it, but he just wont listen, he reckons the only reason our DS is doing football is cos i pushed him into so i could socialise with the mums from school.

Me and my DS are staying at a friends house for a couple of days and i told DH to sort his head out and decide what it is he is going to do cos i have had enough of living like this, i have suggested we go to counciling but he has refused to go and said im not talking to anyone else about our problems.
Can someone please give me advice on what to do next!!!!

don't stop posting pinkhair. advice is unconditional. You must do what you think best.
Can you bolt the door/leave the key inside so he can@t come in when you are asleep?

I have put the catch down on the front door, so if he tries to get in he wont be able to, and i have locked the back door and left the keys in, sometimes that works and you cant unlock the door, others times you can still unlock.

I just dont know whats going on, i have been ok so far, but now all of a sudden i just feel so deflated and not happy, counldn't give a shit kind of feeling, not sure why....:(

In fact i'm feeling really low, I think it has now hit home, i'm on my own. I have cried so much tonight, really sad :(. Going to another councilling session tomorrow set up by WA support group for domestic abuse women.

Hi pinkhair

Sorry to hear you are feeling down. It isn't surprising after all you have been through and you have been so strong to get so far. It is okay to collapse a bit!

Have a look at Bibi's thread "It's all about ME!!" as it extols the joys of living without a man. It might cheer you up a bit and you would be very welcome at the virtual Dance Club

Hi pink

I agree with NoNames. You've been through a terrible time and there's still lots to do to fully separate from this man. No wonder your are low, you must be exhausted. You've done the right thing and a little way down the line, you'll feel so much better. It will just take time. That's what lots of posters, who've been through what you are going through, have said to me.

hi pink try not to get too despondent that you are feeling a bit low, i have been separated from EX 7 weeks now and when we got back in our house after havin to move out for a few weeks i thought i was going to feel uplifted, happy, at peace with things after being unhappy for a long time, but in fact i didnt i felt soo tired, teary, frightened of what the future held for me and my DC and overwhelmed that its all down to me now, but it didnt last long in all honesty prob 2 weeks and i kept in touch with close friends and family accepted offers of help and tried to take each day as it comes, i feel a bit better now, but i am still grieving for the loss of my marriage after nearly 18 years, it seems like my whole future that i thought i was going to have has been wiped off the horizon, but i know that i have the opportunity to create a new one with my and my DC, i am feeling more up beat as time goes on, and if i feel sorry for myself i just think back to what it was like havin him here with us and the stress he caused and it makes me shudder, it is hard and loads more on here will be able to tell you what its like further down the line, keep talking to people and you will find there are hundreds of us out there that have got through it,

Thanks NoNames,i read Bibi's thread and it has helped alot, :)

Pick you are right, i feel this way cos i'm not fully seperated from H yet, i still feel kind of attached to him....i know in a way i always will be cos of DS but apart from that, i still feel attached.

susie i know how you are feeling cos i feel the same, to start off with once i moved back home i had so much to sort out, ie bills, solictors, letting school now everything etc, and never really had time to think, but now i think i am grieving for the loss of our marriage and relationship, the company, just someone being there, i had been with H for nearly 20 years, he was all i ever knew.

But then like you i think of what it was like when H was here and it was horrible, i go all cold and shake, and think how unhappy me and DS was.

So i am going to concentrate on me and DS for a while, keeping my close friends and family near me too, but like you i now have the opportunity to make something of my life and for me and DS to be happy. :)

Since discovering the concept of cognitive dissonance, probably through a Mumsnet link, I've felt it does explain a lot about how unsatisfactory relationships drag on. You spend so long looking on the bright side and concentrating on the positive that you pretty much convince yourself that things are fine, in the teeth of all the evidence. When it becomes impossible to fool yourself any more, and the whole thing falls apart, it takes quite a bit longer to get out of the habit of thinking that made you put up with it in the first place. You still make excuses for them and think of the good bits and try to be nice so they'll be nice back... all habits which need to be broken!

Thanks for your advice Annie i looked at the cognitive dissonance link that you sent. it did make alot of sense.

Wed was a better day after my councilling session with the support group of WA. very positive and so much information, and knowing that there is life after everything.

Had a really good day today, felt really good about myself, and something even better, which to me means alot, i have brought myself a new bed, FANTASTIC!!!!!

It just feels like another step closer to me being on my own with just my DS :)

I must say though, on both occassions that H as wanted to come round he has either texted or called me first, so i must say at the minute it is working...

The new bed sounds like a great idea, especially with your back problems. Enjoy!

It sounds like H is a little surprised by your new assertiveness... well done you! Keep on standing your ground!

Glad you've had a good couple of days. We're all cheering you on...

yeap new bed on its way to me too, couldnt stand being in the same one as i shared with him!

Good for you susie, it always feels better after a new bed, like i said...another part of him gone :)

H came over yesterday and asked a really odd question....

How are we going to feel if we get new partners?

I said i dont really care if you want to get someone new, if you want to move on then do so, but dont even think about introducing DS to that person for at least 6 months if not longer.

Then he said, that he had been feeling really down and was wondering if we had done the right thing by spliting up?

I said well i feel better for spliting up, dont you? he said well yeah i suppose.

Maybe he should of thought of that before he treated me so bad.

pinkhair of course H is going to be wondering if you did the right thing splitting up. It sounds like he had things exactly the way he wanted when you were together, I imagine that now he doesn't have you to bully and slave around after him he must feel quite lost and unsure of himself.

You KNOW how much better you feel now, despite the little wobbles and bouts of grief that the marriage you hoped would last forever has ended. Your response to his questions was really mature, well done for not getting dragged down by him.

Thanks cenicienta i felt really good that i didnt back down, or make some stupid comment like, 'yeah i felt the same' which i dont by the way.

My DS is now finding things a bit hard to cope with, he has been crying alot, getting very emotional, and he told me today that he feels insucure, i asked if he knew what that meant as he's only 6, and he said to him it means he doesn't feel safe, he needs his daddy at home with him.

I have chatted with him tonight about why things cant go back to how they were, and i also asked him if there was anyone he would like to talk to about the way he feels, he has said he would, and we have a lady at school who relates between families and offers help and support, bit like a family liason, and DS has said he would like to talk to her.

Does anyone think this is a good idea, and does she sound like the correct person for DS to talk to, if not could someone recommend someone please.

That sounds like a great idea for your son pinkhair. Also have a chat with your GP to see what children's services can offer in your area, although it sounds as though an experienced school pastoral worker might work best with a 6-year old.

Well done too, for asserting your right to be free of this relationship, both with your ex and your DS. You could never have done that a few months ago and you are doing so well.

hi pink my son is in senior school and they have a year mentor that is assigned to each year and i told her when my H left the house and she spoke to my son and let him know where she was on break times and that he was welcome to come and have a chat if he wanted, and he did twice during that first week or two, it gave him some reassurance that he could have someone to talk to, also she liaised with all of his teachers so that they could keep an eye out for any unusual behaviour/stress/tears from him etc, but too be honest he is doing ok,so IMO i would let your son have a chat with this person, ( i would pop in and see her on my own first just to make sure you are both singing off the same hymn sheet so to speak)

Thanks wwifn and susie for your advice, i have spoken to the school today and am awaiting a phone call from her, i'm glad that DS wants to talk to someone, he does talk to me too, but i just think sometimes it's better to talk to someone else as well, at least he is letting his feelings out, but i must say i am a bit concerned at the way DS is explaining things to me...

DS said about himself feeling inscure, and to him that meant not feeling safe, but then today DS said to me that he dont want to always talk to... (another child going through the same as him at school) because he might get upset about his dad leaving and he dont want to make him sad. Is it possible for my DS to be in touch with his feelings at this age (6) or is someone planting this in his head???

wwifn you are so right, i could never of done that a few months ago, i do feel stronger now, still have a few set backs, but i'm getting there :)

Just an update,

I have spoken to someone from the school, and she has recommended that i read this book with my DS first as it's still early days for him to go through the greiving process.

The book is called 'its not your fault koko bear'

DS really upset again tonight, crying none stop for his dad, its just makes me so upset seeing him like this and i cant take it away from him. but i know i have done the right thing, and i stand by that.

Just another update...

I had another counselling session on Thursday, it went really well, i took three letters with me from my close friends as she wanted them to describe how i was before hand and how i am now, my god...how different am i :0

I did do a lot of crying with the counsellor this time which i think was good, i spoke alot about how i was feeling about XH, i told her how he had came round one day and said, 'fancy one for old times sake' pointing to go upstairs, and she asked if i was still sexually attracted to him and i said no way, i could not even imagine sleeping with him again.

XH has received the divorce papers and he's not a happy man, herdly spoke to me when he came to see DS, just said that he had them, and needed to see his solictor. oh well if he cant handle the truth, he should of treated me better!!!!

You are doing so well pink. You have done the right thing for your DS, as well as yourself. You are also helping DS by getting counselling for yourself.

Update.........

Just wanted to share some good news with you lovely ladies on here who have given me such good advice.

XH has signed the divorce papers without a fuss!!!!!!!

I am now one happy lady on her way to being free and single and be able to live MY life how i want to.

That IS good news. How's your DS getting on this week?

Thanks wwifn. DS is not too bad, he has struggled this week, getting very upset, not wanting to go to school in the morning, blaming me for his dad leaving, saying its my fault, i made him leave, saying he hates me.

XH has just brought DS home, but i'm not sure how to deal with this problem and would like some advice please....

I asked XH if he was seeing DS anyday this week as he finishes work at 2pm this week, he said on thursday, i said ok, are you going to take him somewhere nice, like the park, etc etc...XH said no i'm bringing him back here and you are going to go out. i said thats not fair i said i didnt mind last time but not everytime, i dont see why i should. i know i want him to see DS but why should it have to be on his terms.

Stick to your guns pinkhair, he can't tell you you 'have to go out'.

Stay calm, don't get mad or raise your voice but make it clear he can f**k off.

Hope it works out

Stay strong (have read the whole of this thread - you are clearly one strong woman)

Good luck x

Just wondering how to handle this situation....

DS is crying almost every night when i put him to bed, asking for his daddy getting himself really worked up and upset, i have always let my DS speak to his dad on the phone but as soon as he comes off he starts again, in the end he cries himself to sleep, can anyone suggest any ideas as how i can help my son, i know its not easy, i understand that, but when you have a DS who is screaming for his dad and blaming me for him going, i just dont know what to do next!!!!