ex husband - continued bullying, how do i stop it?

[redderthanred]

We have been seperated for 20 months.
Divorce was started, but then for lots of reasons it didnt get very far.

Cant start it up again as there is no legal aid avaliable at the momment.

Anyway, he is still super bullying, agressive, controlling and horrible. The marriage was full of his constant affairs, emotional and occassional physical abuse.

He will go along being all quiet and friendly and helpful for a short while and then blow up in my face.

I automatically take the role i took in our marriage, which is to panic and then try and sort it out, what ever the cost is to me.
Or i try and rebuff for a few days, telling him i will not discus it, or i will not talk to him while he is being like that, but eventually i get dragged in.

Couple of days later i realise what i have done and that he has won again.

He also cronically lies. I know he always lies, about everything. But why do i automatically belive him, and not question it until some hours later? normally once he has fed me the lies and shouted at me?

Firstly - how on earth do i stop this happening.

Secondly, - im about to do something which i know is going to make him seriously kick off at me. How to i protect myself from the inevetiable?

well done, another step towards complete freedom, you're one strong lady.

Don't worry - I wasn't nagging to phone them - I completely understand why you want to do that via email. Just nagging to make sure you do send the email [smile

Make sure you ask for solicitor advice in the email too.

dont worry will do.

anyway - its nice to be supported ( or nagged! lol)

if i didnt have you lot saying do it - i wouldnt have even called the csa.

so thanks

So.... Womens Aid?

Email sent?

I haven't read all of your post but just wanted to say you'll be much better off phoning Women's Aid. I emailed them and they aren't able to answer emails individually - they just send you a general email giving you general advice.

If you want specific advice you need to ring them.

Hey Red - I've not been around for a couple of days (work - gah)

How's everything going?

Malinkey - I advised Red to email her local branch of WA not the national organisation.

I work for a local branch and we will always respond to an email with specific advice to try to build a relationship with the woman so that she then feels able to speak to one of us on the phone.

I can't speak for all local branches but I do know that the ones near us all work on the same policy - any engagement is better than none.

Mrspnut, how do you email your local branch? Thanks.

On the WAFE website there is a drop down box that says get help locally - it's the directory that is available to the public.

On there most of the entries will have an email address.

If you need help seeking a particular area, then I can search the refuges online site to see if it's another organisation that covers that area but it isn't available to the general public.

If they don't have their email address listed then you can always call and ask them for it - it wouldn't be unusual for us to get a call like that.

Thanks for the info mrspnut - very helpful.

I really feel for you. My ex sounds a lot like yours and I am also stuck in the same pattern (he is reasonable, then he blows up, then it starts again). I spent a fortune on solicitors sending out letters to my ex about his behaviour- to no avail. He just ignored all of them and continued with his behaviour thinking it was all ridiculous as was I. It seems unless you are physically in danger there is not much you can do except limit your own contact as much as possible and just avoid any unnecessary conversation. I advise not relying to heavily on solicitors, they make money drafting and sending out letters and unless you are in any real danger, there is not much they actually can do for you (from my experience).

I thought mediation might help (as my only remaining routes were courts to sell the family home (i.e. even MORE costs). I got my dad involved to talk to him. He used this as an opportunity to humiliate me in front of my family and made up all sorts of things to make him look like the victim and me like a useless person (cant look after my kid, lazy, rubbish with money) - as well as implying I was cheating on him (which I never did). My family supports me full and know me, and are equally incensed at his behaviour.

Hang in there, you are not alone!!!!! I hope you find a good solution and you get peace back in your life soon - The pain will end sometime and he cannot control you if you let him. I know thats easier said than done but you need to see him for what he really is- a complete narcissistic sociopath and just dont believe when he is nice, its always just a trick until they get cross again xxx Its sad but there are some people beyond help and he sounds like one of them.

Zombie thread

No point replying to the OP, this thread is 2 years old and hopefully things have moved on since then!