ex husband - continued bullying, how do i stop it?

[redderthanred]

We have been seperated for 20 months.
Divorce was started, but then for lots of reasons it didnt get very far.

Cant start it up again as there is no legal aid avaliable at the momment.

Anyway, he is still super bullying, agressive, controlling and horrible. The marriage was full of his constant affairs, emotional and occassional physical abuse.

He will go along being all quiet and friendly and helpful for a short while and then blow up in my face.

I automatically take the role i took in our marriage, which is to panic and then try and sort it out, what ever the cost is to me.
Or i try and rebuff for a few days, telling him i will not discus it, or i will not talk to him while he is being like that, but eventually i get dragged in.

Couple of days later i realise what i have done and that he has won again.

He also cronically lies. I know he always lies, about everything. But why do i automatically belive him, and not question it until some hours later? normally once he has fed me the lies and shouted at me?

Firstly - how on earth do i stop this happening.

Secondly, - im about to do something which i know is going to make him seriously kick off at me. How to i protect myself from the inevetiable?

he just makes me second guess myself and it takes me a few days to realise that.

he said the bank wont to do this, this is imposssible... ( when it was all things i checked online on like debt advice sites)

and then he goes, ' well, if you want to be a stupid bitch and waste you time asking the same things to get told the same answers then its up to you. yet again you dont trust me. you never trusted me. you think you know better than everone else.etc.. etc..

i did not trust him after he had affair after affair after affair. i did not trust him when i could be holding up proof of emails sent to and from women he was cheating with.. and many many other things.

but part of me wanted to believe him. i didnt want the truth to be the truth iyswim.

so i guess that is what i just fall back into. even though i know its unlikely to be true.

people know small bits.

i dont think ive really sat down and gone though it with anyone.

Ive just been head down and making a new life for myself and DD.

I think if i told people who knew me. not only would they be really surprised as im a confident, loud, happy go lucky sort of person. i dont think they would know what to make of it.

or would wonder why i was silly enough to stay.

or would try to make light of it as a way to not talk about it. Or i try to make light of it so it doesnt seem so bad, because i dont want to burden people with it.

Im actually totally closed off about my feelings. I dont say things like that, or confide in people.

Ring Women's Aid. Stop being so proud about it.
And keep ringing the number because it's often engaged.
They will not bite your head off. They will give you constructive advice.

because even though i know it is not my fault

i feel like it is. and like i have failed.

failed in the biggest way possible.

i couldnt even provide a family for my child.
i never wanted this.
and as much as i try to make it ok now. i still feel like i have failed.
Everyone else is married and in family units, on holiday together, or doing things.
We do things, i dont let it stop us. but its just me and DD.

Everyone else is NOT married.

Ring Women's Aid.

feel stuipd
am being a bit pathetic

sorry.

need to pull myself together really.

i wont waste womens aid time. there are people in far worse situations than me who need them more.

Im safe, im away from him.
He cant do anything.

checked the course, there are noone in my area.
The book is £9.
Coping mode is what im good at.

actuall dealing with it mode is what im not so good at.

i wouldnt tell mum everything. She doesnt listen, or would some how turn in round to herself. or just tell me chin up. you out of it now. focus on the future.

so i feel like im being stupid.

I think that everyone is used to me being in coping mode and seeing this strong ' i can do anthing person' that if i were to tell someone, and actually cry, they wouldnt know what to do. In fact, i know that to be the case.

Whatever story you have to tell, I can guarantee that Women's aid have heard it before.

You wouldn't be a burden to then, nor would you be wasting their time. I think you need the support of someone who knows what they are talking about and who can give you real options.

Our staff at Women's aid spend so much time just talking to the women who come to us, because that's one of the ways to help them to feel better about themselves and more able to cope with the shit their ex is giving them.

Some women's aid branches are also able to give advice via email as well, I know we often do this when women don't want to call us directly.

I have hundreds of copies of that book sitting in my office, if you want one and are willing to give me your address by private messaging then I can send you one.

The books are also sold much cheaper during the freedom programme sessions.

Red, not all the courses on offer are on that website. Ours isn't and we run ours in about 10 different locations including a women's prison.

Red - I have sent you a PM

Red - please contact WA. From what everyone says on here they are really supportive, and it sounds as though you need someone on your side against your ex. As for failing, YOU didn't fail - HE did. Please don't beat yourself up over it. Also, you're a good mum to your dd, because I can't imagine you behaving to her as your mum does to you.

I know we all do blame ourselves, but it doesn't help and just lets bullies get away with it even more. Yes, I know, I'm speaking as a lifelong wimp, just sometimes it's easier to see things in others that you can't in yourself iyswim.

thank you mrspnut - have pm'ed you.

and have replied to your pm norma.

i dont know. its just really difficult.

I feel sad for dd. I try to keep the peace and help her build a good relationship with her dad. Which is why i back down on things or try and smooth things over.

She shouldnt have to suffer because of it.

but he is just horrble.
Like he was going on about how i should work more to pay towards this loan.

The fact that i saved a deposit for this rented house from a part time job on my own. and then found a part time school hours job, and work, and look after dd and took full responsibility of the dog. DD is doing really well, everyone tells me shes a credit to me. I work hard. Im skint, but we dont go without.
But what does he do., tell me im no good. that im crap and have fallen off my high horse as i claim partial housing benefit and he hopes i get screwed over with the new govt because im lazy and i deserve it.

The fact that i did once work full time when i had dd and was on my own to start with and actaully had a nervous breakdown is apparently more evidence im useless and a waste of space.

Well the joint debt will get sorted out as part of the divorce financial settlement and it is in his interests to clear it as much as it is yours.

How old is your dd? Does he actually treat her well?

Just refuse to communicate with him, keep it to the broken record tactic - "you need to put that in writing"

Seriously get another mobile and leave him to phone/text/abuse your old number.

It doesn't matter what he thinks. He's a nut-job. His opinion of you is none of your business. And it's complete bollocks to boot. Look at how much you have achieved!

And while I understand why you're trying to bend over backwards to facilitate contact between your DD and her father, no amount of bending over backwards is going to stop him being a nut-job.

It doesn't matter what you do. He's going to find something to kick off about because there is something in his emotional make up that is fundamentally broken. You can't fix it. You can't fix him. His outbursts are like a toddler having a tantrum because he's not getting his own way.

It is very common for people who are in abusive relationships to see their abuser as omnipotent. You feel that the abuser will always get their own way in the end because that's what's always happened. But it's not true. Abusers are not omnipotent, they are simply pathetic bullies that happen to know where our weak-points are and which buttons to push. He keeps up with the "you're crap" stuff because it works. He gets a reaction from you which is what he's after. Whatever you can do to avoid him getting the reaction he wants will help to break the hold he has over you.

snorbs. i know.
everyone says how well ive done and what ive achieved. But he says not. That my job isnt good enough. That my house isnt big enough.

It just all falls in with all the other things i wasnt good enough at when we were together. and while i know its not true. it still gets to me and then i feel like a failure.

I wasnt thin enough, the house wasnt tidy enough, according to him i never worked hard enough ( even though i had better paying jobs than him) my interests are stupid. My opions dont count. My cooking wasnt the best, i didnt give him enough sex. If i argued i was too sensitive and over emotional. and so it goes on. just a long list of things i wasnt good enough at.

and i know its him not me.
But in that case, why is he the one who has moved on, set up home with a new girlfriend and im still picking up the peices?

I do try really hard not to react. Most i can manage is about a day and then i just cant hold it in any more. He pushes me so much i just have to come back to him.

I need to not do that. But my god, its hard.

cargirl - thats what i said about the joint debt. But he just started going off at me sayuing he is not paying it all, and he has decided and this is what is happening 'shit or bust'

its just so draining. i cant understand why its all still happening and why im havign to still fight him. I really dont have much more fight left.

Red, I think you are stronger than you think you are. I think you are someone who is prepared to fight for your DD no matter what. Would it help if I told you that contacting Womens Aid would be benefical for your DD, because it would stop her father harassing you, wearing you down and bullying you? If you found the strength to deal with him properly, rather than just coping, it would be harder on you in the short term but the benefits would be so great in the long term. You don't want your DD to grow up thinking it is normal for women to be this scared of a man, and for a man to treat her like this?

You sound a bit like my mum, who left my dad when I was 12. She spent years minimising what had happened and it was no good for any of us. It would have been so much better if she had admitted to people who could help us, that she needed help. You know she is still frightened of my dad, 25 years on...you don't want to be like that. Deal with it now. I know you can.

How old is your dd?

He is using the fact you are facilitating contact etc to abuse you.He knows you want the contact and believes you will not stop him seeing your daughter hence he is more than happy to use it as an excuse to abuse you.

I would join families need fathers and ask for their help to sort out contact through the courts and getting cafcass involved. You don't need a solicitor you will need money for court fees though although if you are on certain benefits the fee may be reduced or free.

Families need fathers are NOT fathers for justice and they will help you. YOu are offering fair/reasonable/fairly standard contact for your dd. Would your Mum be happy to do the handovers at her house? If so I would write to him and say that as of now he can collect dd at this time on these days for x location.

I would strongly suggest that you report all abuse and threats to the police so they are document and than set the wheels in motion to apply for sole residency rather than shared. If he at all threatens to keep/not return your dd report it to the police and use it to apply for sole residency. Again FNF will be able to tell you far more about this than I can.

My ex-BIL completely and only uses contact with his dc to abuse/control my SIL, the sooner you start reporting to the police the better.

Red, I have read through and want to reiterate what everyone else has said.

HIS OPINION OF YOU DOES NOT MATTER.

Also, please contact womens aid. Never mind about being proud and being a coper. It's not weak to ask for help.

Yes, it is scary. But you need to do it for you and your DD.

i know.

im just sick of being strong and having to do these things.

Ive spent about the last 8.5 years fighing to keep my head above water.

Im sick of having to cope. Sick of head down and get though it attitude. Sick of being stong for everyones sake.

i just wish it would all go away.

It won't just go away though. Yes, it will be very stressful short term but long-term the benefits will be eonderful. Imagine, never having to deal with your bullying ex again. Wouldn't that be wonderful?

So wonderful I said it twice! :)