ex husband - continued bullying, how do i stop it?

[redderthanred]

We have been seperated for 20 months.
Divorce was started, but then for lots of reasons it didnt get very far.

Cant start it up again as there is no legal aid avaliable at the momment.

Anyway, he is still super bullying, agressive, controlling and horrible. The marriage was full of his constant affairs, emotional and occassional physical abuse.

He will go along being all quiet and friendly and helpful for a short while and then blow up in my face.

I automatically take the role i took in our marriage, which is to panic and then try and sort it out, what ever the cost is to me.
Or i try and rebuff for a few days, telling him i will not discus it, or i will not talk to him while he is being like that, but eventually i get dragged in.

Couple of days later i realise what i have done and that he has won again.

He also cronically lies. I know he always lies, about everything. But why do i automatically belive him, and not question it until some hours later? normally once he has fed me the lies and shouted at me?

Firstly - how on earth do i stop this happening.

Secondly, - im about to do something which i know is going to make him seriously kick off at me. How to i protect myself from the inevetiable?

The way to make it all go away is to deal with it through official channels in addition to stopping communicating with him.

Perhaps a one line sentence to use whenever he tries to speak to you could be "if you continue to harrass me we will have to use a contact centre for handover"

Red - if I remember you split before and then went back to try again (with all sorts of promises from him) for the sake of your DD.

I really think you have bent over backwards to give him contact, and protect your DD from confrontation, but she is likely to pick up on how he treats you.

Please get some RL support from WA or FNF. Don't try to do this on your own any more!

I have told you before that I am amazed by your strength and how much you care for your DD, but please please get some support.

yes. you are right.
it needs to be dealth with correctly, legally. So he cant argue at me.

Thats one of the reasons i want the csa money taken out at source too. I can just say, deal with them. It takes it away me having to deal with him.

DD loves her dad. She gets a bit frustrated at him as he doesnt listen to what she says. I can only see this getting worse as she gets older.

i dont think he would harm her. I do think he would keep her for longer than agreed.

Im torn between wanting her to have a fab relationship with him. and trying to work with him to help that. and telling him to fuck off.

I just feel trapped really.

and being told by the solicitors there is no legal aid just left me feeling more trapped.

i also cant really understand why he feels the need to still be like this to me.
Like, why isnt he like it to everyone else? why me? why cant he just let me go and let me get on with my life.

WA don't have to take your name
They don't judge you
They handle loads of calls just like yours, not so bad and a lot worse,
They give you everything you need to change your situation
They will arm you with support.

It just takes a phone call and you can make things better.

xxx

Sorry Dittany - I didn't know. I would really recommend WA though

norma - yes. i did.
i went back one. Gave up my home i had set up myself.
gave up my job, and my friends i had made and moved 75 miles up the road to be with him.
I knew noone and was in a rented army house.
I found a job, but within less than 3 months i found a secret email account with pictures of him having sex with another woman in.
I kicked him out 5 days before xmas.
I started work in the new year fully knowing i wouildnt be staying as i had 90 days before i had to vacate the property.
I saved money from that part time job and then took 2 days off. I viewed 12 properties and had 1 job interview in those two days and then moved 2 weeks later.

Within a month my dog got ran over, i fell and ended up on crutches.
a month after than i developed gall stones and spent the next 5 months in and out of hospital.
I lost my job because i was off sick so much. I had my gall bladder removed, found another job and started that after xmas.

That first year after i moved he was awful. I had to call the police several times. I stopped contact with DD because of how he was. Looking back i do not know how i dealt with it.

This year has seemed like a breeze compared to last. but its still been really really hard.

It's good that you've had to call the police for him, it means they'll have it on record. That should help you when you call their DV advisor. It's also good that you're in a rented place and have lost money - basically, you don't need to worry about the loan! I know it's weird to say everything's good because it's gone ... thing is, Red, I also lost everything due to bullying and I am in a far, far, safer place now.

I wrote an article about the effects bullying has on a person. It's the wrong circumstance for pride, because your pride is your weakness to a bully. People like that know you'll keep getting up and taking more. They know you'll be reluctant to call in help. Most of them actually pick proud, independent targets - they get a bigger kick out of breaking us, and they know we'll keep standing there for longer. So they have more fun

Talk to a grown-up - or several. Women's Aid exists to help women who are being bullied, they know everything there is to know about it. Your police DV unit won't dismiss your problems, they'll be able to offer sensible advice on using the law to control him & protect yourself and DD.

I completely understand about wondering "Why?" The short answer is "He's mad." We don't use that word anymore, but it's good enough - the wiring in his head is faulty, that's all there is to it. You are not dealing with a sane, rational human being; he never was. Pity his new girlfriend!

I ended up in a mental hospital. You don't have to ... Go. Go, make the calls!

ghoul - i cant pay what i dont have.
Any bank will only have to look at my incomings and outgoings to see i dont have it. I am willing to pay what i can afford, but it is no where in the region of what he wants me to pay.

do you have that article avalaible? i would like to read it?

being proud and independent and resilliant isnt always good. i know. People say to me ' i dont know how you did it, i have no idea how you coped, i have no idea how you cope still, how can you keep going'
the answer is - i dont bloody know. I would very much like someone to come along and look after me and sort it all out. Thing is, that isnt going to happen. I have to keep getting up from it all, for DD's sake. I have to provide for her, to create a safe, secure, loving home. I do it for her.
When i have had nothing left to give and have been on the edge... i do it for her.

and i will continue to do it for her.

I recently started swimming lessons for her. He had said he would pay half. I enroled her adn then he said he wouldnt. I was left with the whole bill.
I will go without so she can do it.
He told me it was a waste of time, that she would not be able to follow instruction, it was unnecessary and a waste of time and eating into 30 mins of his time with her every other week. That i was a selfish bitch for doing it and was pushing her into something rubbish.
2 weeks he phoned me up nearly every day and saud they same things.
I still did it. you know what - 5 lessons later and she is swimming on her back with just one float. She loves it. She comes out and askes straight after the lesson - how many sleeps till the next lesson mummy.

I will not let him belittle her. I will not let him hold her back. I refuse to let him tell her she cant do something, or wont do something.

I do it for her.

Grace is right you know redder. You can twist yourself in knots trying to work out why he is like this but it doesn't matter..he just is and that's all you need to know.

Logically I'm sure you know his opinion isn't important but you need to believe that in yourself.

Don't expect him to be turn around all of a sudden and be reasonable because he won't.

I understand you are worried about being pathetic - you aren't. Bloody hell, look at all you have dealt with! Of course you aren't.

I tell you what would be pathetic though...refusing all the help that is available to you because you 'don't want to bother them' or 'he's not that bad'.

You AREN'T bothering women's aid and they WILL have heard this before. They police WILL take you seriously, especially given his history.

Here's something to think on. What will happen if you don't get help? What will happen to your DD if he drives you to a breakdown (because that's what he's after doing) and you can't cope?

Good for you, Red :)

You're 100% right about the loan. If you go to the CAB, they can help you set up an IVA (free) which is where you pay off a quid a month or whatever you can afford. From personal experience, I'd say ignore the debt collectors if you can stomach it. After a couple of years, they start offering to settle for 50%, 30% of the full amount. After even longer, they go to court and the debt is written off. However, if your credit record is good apart from this one loan, then make an appointment with the CAB. I don't even know if you're liable for the reapyments now he's gone; they can sort all this stuff out for you & help you get your credit rating back.

A thing I wrote about my ex-boss is here. I was married to a wanker at the same time - he's been fully documented on Mumsnet!

Use the help that's available - empowerment is getting an army together
xx

Its a joint loan. So i supose we need to come to a joing decision i supose.
That is unlikely to happen without 3rd party help,
Or in fact it wont happen. His solution was get another job. work more hours. you are paying half ' shit or bust'

You know his attitude, him dictating to me riles me.

And actually, if i work more hours, i end up worse off. If i worked full time, id be worse off. Thats how it is at the momment for me and the current benefits set up. This will change, but its not immediatley changing.

The bank will reduce the monthly repayments he did tell me that. He just refuses to as he want it paid and over and done with.
Thing is, i cant pay the amount he wants me to.
So he either needs to accept what i can pay and accept its over a longer time.

Or make it up to the full amount himself.

There is nothing i can do about it.

I wont have a breakdown. Im fine. really. Im just having a bad day and its all getting on top of me.

I know what i need to do. I will contact womens aid for some advice and i will not let him do this.

Janos - logically i know that, of course. he just somehow finds this weak spot on me and constantly pecks at it. He knows i wont ask for help. He knows i wont tell anyone. ( weakness is failure) He knows ill keep getting up from it. Its just the constant pecking at me until i crack. Like today.
Tomorrow i will be fine.

Ive started the ball rolling. I know hes going to go ape shit at me.

I just need to prepare myself for that.

How to close a joint bank account.

From a quick scan, it can be difficult to close a joint account sometimes. It does say that some banks are more amenable that others, but if you just request it frozen even, then he cannot pay your child support into it and he either pays into your account or gets into trouble with the CSA for non-payment. This can be an interim measure until you can summon up the emotional energy to get his wages garnished.

What about contact through a contact centre? Amazed no-one has mentioned it, he has been physically abusive in the past to the OP. I would not recommend unsupervised access for that reason, and that way he has no opportunity to further abuse OP.

Red, you sound (understandably) afraid to challenge him and I think this is what's blocking you finding a solicitor. At least try to find another one before giving up, yeah? Call three solicitors at least before you give up.

Please do call Women's Aid. You're not wasting their time, every woman who's been abused thinks things are "not bad enough" for help, but you are deserving of support and besides which I'm sure WA will tell you if you're wasting their time.

I would just go through the CSA and do not ever ask him for an extra penny. If he offers just give him a non-committal answer such as "if you want to pay for dd to have x that's fine with me, your choice"

If you have agreed days for contact I wouldn't arrange activities for your dd on those days as it could be perceived as obstructive by a court and he will probably use it against you.

Refuse to discuss the joint loan with him - just repeat, we'll sort it out in the divorce settlement - only don't discuss it at all I mean discuss by email. Certainly don't start paying it off at the moment.

We're there any financial assets of the marriage? If there is little to sort out financially then in many ways you don't need a solicitor to sort out the divorce assuming there is no property involved.

By refusing to get involved with discussing the loan it may force him into agreeing the divorce. Please be aware though if the agreement is for him to pay half he may decide not to and you will be still chased for the debt in full. If you didn't used to work and he supported you then you may be able to argue he owes you spousal maintanance in which case you could offer to not claim it in return for him paying off the debt. Certainly worth going to CAB for free legal advice.

Why accept it though? Why not do something, when there is help available? You don't get any awards for coping, and it seems as though there's something almost masochistic in your determination to soldier on matter what.

You say you can't cope and can't bear any more and yet you seem very reluctant to do anything that might actually help. Why is that? It might be worth thinking about.

As you know, there are no prizes in life for 'coping','getting on with things' and 'putting up with it'.

There is a great prize (in fact several) out there for the taking. It's peace of mind, it's the freedom to get on with your life, it's getting your self esteem back.

Don't be scared to take the first step to getting your life back.

No, it's not guaranteed but surely it's worth trying?

Good luck to you.

i rang my old solicitors who told me legal aid was not avalaible to anyone right now, and wouldnt be until the tending had been looked at and that it was the same for all solicitors.

I thought that she would know what she was talking about.

Of course im afraid to challenge him

The man has thrown me down the stairs before. Held me up aganist a wall by my throat. Picked me up and thrown me across the bed. He used to not stop. If i refused to argue with him when i was with him nad just went to bed he sued to not let me sleep. would poke him every time i fell asleep until i gave in to him. I used to try and go in otehr rooms. and he would jsut follow. or lock myself in the bathroom and he would pick the lock. He would take my keys so i couldnt leave. Then he knew i wouldnt leave as i had dd and before her i would go back because i loved the dog.

The man just wants to break me.
He will not stop until he has. Of course i am terrified to challenge him.

You are terrified of him, yet you seem to think you're not in a bad enough situation to need Womans Aid????

Please phone them, they will absolutely help you.

i worked part time formost of our marriage. ( we were in germany, it was the only job i could get. it was not through choice)

He supported me.

There are no assets, just a huge pile of debt.

I dont know why i keep coping. I think again thats something to do with him.
He used to say people who asked for help were weak and pathetic. People who showed emotion were weak. People who didnt just get on with it were weak.

I supose, over time, ive just become that way. I would never bother asking him for help. Half the time he wasnt around, and the times he was there, he didnt give a shit.
As an army wife you are very much on your own.
Miles from family and friends. I found that there was a fake comradary. but actaully, wifes that did ask for help was seen as being pathetic and needy by the other wives.

Its just a mindset that i find hard to break away from i supose.

Its the way ive lived my whole adult life. To change, and i know i need to, is hard.

i didnt think i was in a bad enough postion for womens aid because i no longer live with him and will be divorcing him.

I can shut the door and turn off the phone. I have somewhere safe.

There are lots and lots of women that dont even have that.

He is still abusing/bullying/trying to control you though.

And they can help you

There is no hierarchy of how bad it is, if it is abuse, it is abuse, and I think they can help you deal with the stuff in the past too

"He used to say people who asked for help were weak and pathetic. People who showed emotion were weak. People who didnt just get on with it were weak."

Of course he did, he is an abusive prick with a vested interest in stopping you from getting help! Fuck him and fuck army culture! They are wrong, plain and simple.

Just try WA, you are deserving of support and they can support you and put you in touch with agencies that will help you. You are rightfully scared of him, yes, but WA can help you deal with that, you see? They're well practiced at it.

As far as your solicitor is concerned, perhaps they were right, and perhaps they just didn't want you to find someone else to represent you. I don't know, but if things are this bad there's no harm in trying, is there? WA may also be able to help with this too.

Truly I think WA will have contacts and advice no one else can provide.

If you only have debts and no prospect of owning a home in the next 8 years then it may be worth you looking into the legal option of bankruptcy - I don't mean that but I can't think of the name of the stage before that. You have nothing to lose, if your ex wants to buy a home in the future he will have to pay off the debt if you can't afford to.

Please do not trust this man to do the right thing financially he could screw you and leave you with the debt to pay.

Get your joint account frozen before he gets that overdrawn.

Yes, what Norma said.

It is bad enough.

Why don't you think so?

Why are other people's opinions of you more valid than your own emotional and physical wellbeing?

Why do you think it's acceptable to put up with being used as a punch bag and take any amount of the creepy abusive shit mr nutjob dishes out to you?

Are your feelings and opinions not important? Don't they matter?

Stop thinking about everybody else. What about you?