ex husband - continued bullying, how do i stop it?

[redderthanred]

We have been seperated for 20 months.
Divorce was started, but then for lots of reasons it didnt get very far.

Cant start it up again as there is no legal aid avaliable at the momment.

Anyway, he is still super bullying, agressive, controlling and horrible. The marriage was full of his constant affairs, emotional and occassional physical abuse.

He will go along being all quiet and friendly and helpful for a short while and then blow up in my face.

I automatically take the role i took in our marriage, which is to panic and then try and sort it out, what ever the cost is to me.
Or i try and rebuff for a few days, telling him i will not discus it, or i will not talk to him while he is being like that, but eventually i get dragged in.

Couple of days later i realise what i have done and that he has won again.

He also cronically lies. I know he always lies, about everything. But why do i automatically belive him, and not question it until some hours later? normally once he has fed me the lies and shouted at me?

Firstly - how on earth do i stop this happening.

Secondly, - im about to do something which i know is going to make him seriously kick off at me. How to i protect myself from the inevetiable?

Have you asked your GP to refer your for NHS counselling/therapy it should help you sort out your self esteem issues.

You have 3 weeks to do some research, get a new phone (just a cheapy and switch sim cards), speak to WA, speak to the local domestic violence polic etc etc.

If he ever hangs around the house like that please phone the police.

I think you're nearly there emotionally, you have to be, because if you go on like this you're headed for a break down. I know because I was seriously on the edge before enough was enough.

You seem able to challenge him on his unreasonable requests to an extent, but still seem to think you have to be abused in order for him to back down a little.

The last time I spoke to my ex was May last year, he shouted and screamed abuse at me so bad, I fell to my knees, shaking, I will never forget it. But I knew I could no longer speak to him after that. This actually suited him as he preferred to hide behind threatening texts, constantly threatening he would go to a solicitor if I didn't let him see dd an extra hour here, or night there. Everytime I got a text I would start shaking, which sounds ridiculous to me now, but I was so worn down then.

I tried different things, I told him as he wanted to see dd so much, he could have her everytime he was off work, effectively calling his bluff, of course he went mad, how dare I suggest that. He didn't want her when I said, just the specific times he said!

Anyway it went on for months and was exhausting, it came to a head when I started a new job and decided if I wanted to keep it, it had to stop. I wrote to him detailing the times and dates of his bullying messages, the contradictions in them and if he carried on the bullying, intimidation, threats etc, he would not be able to comunicate with me in any way, he could go to a solicitor if he wanted contact with dd, and I would communicate with them only. I also said any text he sent me would immediately be forwarded to my dad who would decide if he was happy with the tone. The texts after that were very polite as you can imagine.

You have to stop communicating with him in person or by phone, (my ex waits on the driveway for dd and she goes out to him) my solicitor told me if we weren't able to have open communication,ie. in person or phone calls, which we weren't as he was abusive to me, then contact times had to be rigid, no flexibility for him.

This is what you need to do, get everything set in stone, give him no opportunity to be abusive to you, if he wants to be a dad, he needs to stop being abusive to his childs mother. I so want you to take some decisive steps now, when you do you'll be like me and wish you had sooner. This week you can change things! x

God that sounds like a terrifying experience. I have to ask, if you feel too afraid for you, is there no way you could try for your daughter? WA wont do anything without your permission so just asking for advice wont have any consequences other than those you chose to experience when you feel stronger. I second cargirls advice for councelling - you need to build your strength and confidence for your little family and they can really help.

"i do do the saying im not listening to this and hanging up sometimes.
not all the time.
which is probably why he continues to do it."

Exactly. Think of him like a tantrumming toddler. If you don't hold a consistent line then he'll push and push and push.

It took me a while to learn to stand firm and behave in a business-like manner in the face of my ex's abuse. But I got there in the end. What took longer for me to learn was to continue with the firm, business-like manner even when my ex was being nice. Instead I used to let my guard down and then >pow!< when the abuse started again it took me completely by surprise.

I understand your desire to give people second chances. But how many chances have you given your ex? As the saying goes "The definition of insanity is to keep doing the same thing while expecting different results." You keep giving him chances while expecting that, one day, he's going to suddenly see the light and realise he's been a twat.

He won't.

Ever.

There's a very good book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie. It's primarily aimed at people who are (or have been) in relationships with people with addictions but it addresses a lot of the issues you raise here. I think it could help you a lot with learning to let go of expectations that he will change, or your belief that you can influence his behaviour.

And, as with everyone else here, I think you should call Women's Aid. And/or maybe talk to your GP. I found one-on-one counselling fantastically useful for me when I was extricating myself from my abusive relationship. I think it might help you, too.

Everytime he sends you an abusive text or answer phone message have a secret smile to yourself that this is one more piece of evidence that the police will use against him.

Rigid contact isn't nice but it's a means to an end and it's a way of stopping the abuse. Ultimately you could refuse contact and tell him to take you to court but I would only suggest that as a last result and once you have sufficient evidence against him that he is abusive and the police have acted on it.

sorbs - thats it. he is nice for a while. and then - bam! and i get really confused by it and then he tells me it is my fault for ruining it as we had been getting on so well before.

Yeah - the foot in the door house thing was awful. I was so tense It triggered my first and only ever day time gall baldder attack ( and the worse one i have ever had. and i ended up in a&e and being admitted into hospital for a few days on morphine and oxygen and a drip.

I have text him to confirm pick up time later an hour ago. he has not responded. Nor has he responded to the email. I expect the reason he has not respoinded to the text is because he has got the email and is angry.

It doesnt matter. I shall go and collect DD at the time ive said, and what was agreed on friday.

I will call womens aid. and im playing hard ball now. Ive had enough of this. I realised that yesterday, which is why i posted. Because im sick of it.

I will not let him ruin the rest of my life. He needs to play by the rules. not his own rules.

I know he will be furious, and he is going to get more angry as i refuse to take it and as i take steps to ensure it doesnt happen. But thats his problem.
Womens aid will be able to help, and the help from MN has been/ and is great.

Fuck him

I hate him simply for using the phrase 'shit or bust' continuously.

I mean wtf does that even mean?

He might as well wear a sandwich board saying ABUSIVE CONTROLLING ARSEHOLE.

Stay strong, don't engage and document everything. So glad to hear you're going to call WA.

damegladys - i know. i hate that too. It basically means ( i think) you do as i say or there will be trouble? or this is what is happening and if you dont like it its tough.

dittany - well how do i disengae without a fight.
If i set up parameters ( like getting the csa deducted at source) there will be a fight from him. That is me playing hard ball and doing something i want - to ultimatley distance myself from him. But there will still be a fight.

Im worried that he has not responded to the text checking the pick up time.

Im thinking i should maybe ask my mum or someone to come with me when i go.

take somebody with you today, please

red- you are where I was about 6 months ago - and I hope I am on the other side now.

I started communication only be email and text. He was really unhappy for a while and I had him, his family telling me how ridiculous I was for not being able to talk to him which was apparently in my children's best interests.
He got his solicitor to write tome to say he was unhappy.
I always had a third person for handovers or if there was noone I met him in a public place. I would just tell him that dc's had insisted on going to park and we would meet him there.
I was really stressed for a while and felt really guilty for being apparenty "incapable" of normal communication but it took the heat out of the situation.
I also now don't reply to emails/texts for a number of hour or draft a reply and then reread. Again that takes the power away from him- he would text something inflammatory about money or contact. He wa of course being unreasonable and I woud get angry/upset and send a long reply illustrating clearly that he had got to me.
When tou have clamed down - it is much easier to say. "No that doesn not suit, we will continue with out orignal plan e.g

I also got stuck in the trap of letting my guard down when he acted "normal" for a short time and have to learn not to do that. Iam sure it is a sign of codependance (which I am guilty of) but it is also a sign of a nice person who wants to see the best of people.

My ex also has a heavlily pregnany girlfriend so now that he is getting no reation from me - he is probably sadly now abusing her

Redder, you say "I think its because i want them to behave better. I keep giving them chances to redeem themselves. Or to be reasonable."

You have to let go of this. You can't make another person be reasonable. you just CAN'T. I tried too. I was stuck in this groove you're stuck in for a couple of years. I continually used to think that if I could just get him to see, just get him to listen, just get him to think about, just get him to admit, blah blah blah blah.... NOTHING I SAID EVER GOT THROUGH TO HIM. NOTHING. Sorry to shout at you there.

The only way forward is to stop communicating with him. I think you need to get an intermediary, a friend or your sister, somebody to arrange the handovers. DISENGAGE.

THAT IS THE ONLY POWER YOU HAVE. You can't make him treat you well, but he can't make you have a relationship with him if you don't allow it. DISENGAGE. I have done it and I never thought I would.

And do you know, after 2 years of not communicating with my x, that toxic thing between us as withered. He's still a rotten person, but he's somebody else's rotten person now. I don't know, I don't care. He sees the children every six weeks or so and luckily thankfully I have somebody else to do the communication that that entails.

I really recommend you URGENTLY get somebody else to do this for you. The ONLY power you have with a man like this is to disengage.

On Friday I called the Samaritans, I wasn't suicidal, I wasn't having a panic attack, I wasn't going to hurt myself or anyone else. But I needed some help and so I called them, they were helpful. If you just phoned women's aid you would know that you are in need, they can help. If after 2 minutes you decide that they can't help and you feel foolish then you can say thanks and hang up.

Mum is coming with me later.

valium- yeah. what i would like is for him to say - yep - i did this and this to you. and i am sorry.
Of course, that is never going to happen.

Like i said, he is away for 3 weeks now. He will have no internet access and mim phone access.

I am going to use this time to take steps to distance myself.

The cas will be phoned on tuesday.

I will speak to womens aid.

I will send an email setting out the agreeded contact for the rest of the year and will say that from now all contact is to be agreed via email.

Thank you - because you have all helped with that.

The only problem area i see is when he calls to speak to DD.

I have tried to get him to call certain days at certain times and he refuses to stick to it.

What he now does is just randomly call. If i dont pick up - ie am upstairs or something, he just calls and calls. then calls the mobile.
if say im out or something, and dont hear my mobile i then get a text ususally saying something like ' ffs i cant even talk to my child now'
or ' why are you not at home im trying to talk to my child'

so again its a source of conflict. Sometimes DD will talk to him, sometimes she wont. Again he seems to think that is my fault. Shes 4. its noones fault.
I have tried over and over again telling him webcam would be good. he would be able to see her and she could see him. He says yes and then does nothing about it. But then complains at me.

anyone got any bright ideas on dealing with this>?

< very quick hijack >

PP, you ok ?

SF....Fine, usual marital bliss and PMT (terrible raging/crying PMT, need to return to GP as it literally makes me feel I am going mad and it would be nice if DH had a teeny tiny bit of understanding and stopped 'joining in').

Thank youxx.

Regarding phone calls, the way I have organised it with my ex is that I will ensure our DCs will be available for calls at 7pm.

Phone calls from my ex at other times will be accepted if convenient (and my DCs want to talk) but, if not, I remind her that the DCs will be available at 7pm.

I do encourage my DCs to call their mum whenever they want. They don't often want to but that's up to them. If at 7pm my DCs don't really want to talk to their mum then I encourage them to at least say hello. But I don't force them.

The way I try to organise things is on the basis of if my plans work for me and my DCs then that's what is going to happen. If that plan happens to also work for my ex then, great, everyone's happy. If not then so sad, too bad, not my problem.

I generally advocate as much cooperation and give-and-take as possible for child contact but if your ex is an abusive nut-job then it's pointless. Cooperation needs both people to cooperate. You can't do it on your own.

look after yourself PP

so every day they are avalaible for calls.
What if you go out? what if they are out.
What if they are asleep>

DD is almost 5. Shes in bed by 7pm.
We are normally in, on the odd occassion we are not, maybe once a month, or twice. we are at someone house having tea, or out for tea,.
Which usually means its then home and bed straight away.

DD wont talk on a mobile. ONly a land line. i dont know why, shes 4!

or sometimes he calls and she is in the bath, or eating her tea or something, then he gets angry at me.

But he wont do a set time/day so i cant just not do anything on the off chance he might call.

I have of course tried explaining this to him. But you can probably guess it makes no difference, he just says you are stopping me, i shall call when i like.

DD sometimes shouts at him saying things like ' im eating my tea now daddy, call me when i have finished'

pp - dont know the story but hope you are ok.

On a positive note about courts, ex-bil took sil to court for the 3rd time to change the fixed contact agreement, again he hadn't prepared a statement supporting his case to have daily contact (a way of controlling sil) - Judge said you've had your chances, he said "but the children want it (they don't)", Judge said "children don't always get what they want"

With regards to phone calls I would just suggest that you only make her available on the phone once or twice per week at a specific time such as Friday or Saturday when she's not with him at 6.30pm - you turn "his" mobile on at 6.25pm turn it off at 6.35pm if he hasn't phoned.

I think you can usually get one free landline number change to stop harrassment.

cargirl.

Ive tried that. I said 3 times, or even 4 times a week. As long as i knew the day and the time.

But he wont agree to that.

he prefers to randomly call as then he can shout at me if im not in or if DD is in the bath or something.

Ive been trying for over a year to get him to agree, but ive just given up.

Im not in any way trying to stop him talking to dd. Its just if we are out, we are out. Or if she is in the bath, then she is in the bath.

7pm works for us with our usual evening routine as my DCs are older than yours. You can, of course, change it to whatever time works best for you and DD. 5pm?

If we're out then I'll usually send my ex a text saying "We're not at home, either call my mobile at 7pm to speak to the DCs or I'll get them to call you back at

You don't ask him!

Write to him saying that dd will be available on x day(s) at x times to receive phone calls from him. Calls at other times will not be answered.

Don't try to reason with him. Tell him this is when she is available it's his choice to phone or not. When he rings a switched off mobile and he no longer has you home phone number he won't be able to do this to you anymore.

He does not need your home phone number, if he threatens to take you to court so what it doens't matter.

If he has a solicitor copy all the letters to him, it will cost your ex money to use a solicitor - his loss!

I'm sure your ex would not agree to you phoning your dd in "his" time would he?