ex husband - continued bullying, how do i stop it?

[redderthanred]

We have been seperated for 20 months.
Divorce was started, but then for lots of reasons it didnt get very far.

Cant start it up again as there is no legal aid avaliable at the momment.

Anyway, he is still super bullying, agressive, controlling and horrible. The marriage was full of his constant affairs, emotional and occassional physical abuse.

He will go along being all quiet and friendly and helpful for a short while and then blow up in my face.

I automatically take the role i took in our marriage, which is to panic and then try and sort it out, what ever the cost is to me.
Or i try and rebuff for a few days, telling him i will not discus it, or i will not talk to him while he is being like that, but eventually i get dragged in.

Couple of days later i realise what i have done and that he has won again.

He also cronically lies. I know he always lies, about everything. But why do i automatically belive him, and not question it until some hours later? normally once he has fed me the lies and shouted at me?

Firstly - how on earth do i stop this happening.

Secondly, - im about to do something which i know is going to make him seriously kick off at me. How to i protect myself from the inevetiable?

norma - im going to. i shall email them on tuesday.

Good Woman :)

I wish I lived closer to you. You and I have talked on and off for a while, and would love to meet you sometime.

ah. thank you.

one day. - maybe after xmas some time, in a meet half way type thing. im not adverse to travelling. esp if there is cake at the end.

:)

Red, that's awful - your Mum's reaction I mean.. Words fail me for once. I had nothing but sympathy, support and kindness from my M&D and it was still very, very hard to leave, and still very hard to .... articulate to people why I had left. Definitely ring WA. And then tomorrow, have a big gooey slice of cake! You have earned it I think.

yeah i know it is.
doesnt surprise.
I wouldnt even bother mentioning it to my dad. I dont see him for more and an hour every month. he cant even have more than a 2 min phone conversation with me.

One sister i dont speak to and ahavent for years.

The other one is nice, but hasnt a clue.

My brother, hes 9 years youger, still early 20's. So pretty much still just grunting.

plus im the oldest.

I literally did it all on my own. I had no friends. I had either pushed them away, or kept them at a distance because i was embarassed about what was happening. Or i lost touch due to the constant moves. Or he said they were idiots and would make it difficult for me to see them.

I have had noone to talk to about any of this. Ever.

and even now, though im back in the same town as my family, and have started making new friends. Im very much alone, and still have noone to talk to about it.

another reason for the coping thing i think. If i dont cope, i havent really got any other option have i.

Can only reiterate what the others have said. Contact Women's Aid and for goodness sake get a new solicitor because the one you've got now is utter crap. I work in a firm of solicitors, although family's not my area, and when I think of how you've been advised as to how you should be advised and helped, it makes me rather cross on your behalf. Your solicitor is a pillock and you need to sack him. I wouldn't stay with that firm to be honest but I'm sure WA can advise you best on that.

It pisses me off to think that this solicitor is speaking to his clients - and you won't be the only one - like this.

I think you're an incredibly strong person and a wonderful, caring mother. I know you've been told otherwise by your ex, but I'd like to think that my opinion and those of the other posters on this thread count for more than those of that tosspot of an ex.

have got to go to work today.
Planning on calling CSA and emailing womens aid tomorrow. I shall ask them to recommend a good solicitor too for when legal aid becomes avalaible again. ( or if they know of anyone who is still offering legal aid at the momment.

I still didnt sleep last night. I feel exhuasted and totally drained so im sure ill be fab at work today!

I just keep thinking about everything that happened, all the thigns he did. But then i keep questioning myself. Like maybe im just seeing it wrong, or maybe i did push him to it, or maybe im just awful to be with.

I know i need to get this sorted, and a distance myself from him. But then, how im feeling right now, i feel so hurt and upset, that it was almost easier when i was just annoyed at his bullying.

im not with that solicitor any more btw. I just didnt go back.

He also said other things like ' your marriage was inconswquencial' and that it had only been for 8 years so it was of no worth.
that if i behaved as i did in his office ( crying) that he could sympathise with my ex husband. ( yes, he really said that)

Wow! that's the kind of solicitor who gives them all a bad name.

You must be really strong redder, because I know I couldn't have left my x if I hadn't had my parents begging me to leave my ex. You say "I had no friends. I had either pushed them away, or kept them at a distance because i was embarassed about what was happening. Or i lost touch due to the constant moves. Or he said they were idiots and would make it difficult for me to see them." I know this. The friends I did have, I spent so much time covering for my x or presenting a facade of a happy life that one day I realised I just felt so disconnected from my friends there was no point carrying on pretending. From now on, whatever friendships you make will be honest and real. (I did have some friends, it was MY foolish decision not to confide in them)

redder, I have read back my earlier posts and they come across quite hectoring and dare I say it a bit bullying even. I want to apologise for that.

Your strength is really astonishing.I found things incredibly hard when I split from my abusive ex and that was with 100% support from family.

It's great news that you are going to contact womens aid. Here's hoping they can provide you with the help and support you need to get away from this nasty piece of work.

Good luck to you. Sincerely.

And, I also wanted to say I understand what it is like to be scared of your ex. I was terrified of mine and spent a lot of emotional/mental energy placating him and being scared to upset him.

Then he did something really awful which made me realise I had to do something..if that makes sense.

That was the beginning of getting my life back and him losing his 'hold' on me. Its still a work in progress but getting better.

I hope you can look back and say the same :).

janos- no they didnt. i didnt read them as being that at all. dont worry :)

Am feeling a little bit better now.
I supose i just kind of assumed it would all stop when we seperated, or he would get bored of doing it. but he hasnt.

Its not going to go away on its own and i need to do something about it. Because the cycle doesnt stop. One month ( of for a while) he will be nice as pie, and chatty and friendly, heck he even lend me his car while mine was off the road. Then he will turn nasty for no reason as far as i can see, and then use everything nice he has done ( or just the fact we were getting on ) aganist me.

anyway - csa will be called tomorrow. I feel a little bit sick thinking about it, but it just has to be done.

red, it really does have to be done, yes

or you will still be in the same shitty position 12 months from now

i know.

i just dont want to. Also, ive been told it takes a few weeks ( about 3) to get the money.
Im so heavily budgeted that i cant really afford ( scrap that, i am in a dire state) without the maintence coming in on the day i was expecting it.

Could you explain the situation to them ? They may be able to recommend a kind of short-term loan from Social Welfare funds to tide you over

this must be a common scenario, tbh

men who have to be chased by the CSA regularly keep their partners short of money...love, take advice and don't do nothing bcause you are scared of the consequences

MIL's ex sounds like yours actually, Red.

He can be terribly nice to MIL for long periods of time, but then tensions will build and he'll screw her out of money and call her a whore in front of BIL, slink off until she's forgotten how quite how bad it was then he saunters back in as Mr. Generous Nice Guy and the cycle begins again. He enjoys wielding power over her, domestic violence is all about the control. These men are so predictable. It starts out nice as pie, tensions build, big nasty flare up, blaming the victim/ignoring the abuse, then nice as pie again.

I can ignore my ex when he says goodmorning - as I can get to whatever level it is for a peaceful life - goodmoornign turns to can I use your loo, or could I borrow this

Don't talk, don't reply, don't text ignore ignore ignore don't answer unknown numbers - don't answer witheld numbers - let it go to answer phone and then see who it was

Remeber "don't feed the monkeys"

if you do feed the monkes - they will come back for more and yes it will stop if you stop feeding them

I haven't read the whole thread, but is there a law centre near you? www.lawcentres.org.uk/lawcentres/

ivykaty44, I agree, I like that phrase. From now on that's how I'll think of it. The monkey is looking somewhere else for food now.

Sending you strength for today Red.

Good luck with getting everything sorted.

I know you can do this.

thanks norma

Just called csa and spoke to the most dim woman in the world.

she seemed to have no clue about anything and in the end said she would get the lady who i spoke to last week to call me back. Hopefully within the next 48 hours. I said i was only off work today and couldnt take calls at work and she said she would make a note of that.

Anyway - all an anti climax though i did end up in tears on the phone explaining why i wanted them to take payments for me.

So - am just waiting for a call back.

Email to womens aid ive started but till send later. Maybe wed.

Bank i shall probably call next tue.

right - just called again and spoke to a really nice helpful lady.
We decided it would make more sense to wait until i recieve this months payment at the end of oct. then for me to phone them on the 1st nov and they will start from then.
that makes most sense as - it gives them a full month to set the whole thing up
-they be be collecting a full months money - not a partial amount, which if i started today i would.
If it was the partial amount, i risk losing the first 2 weeks money as they cant inforce it and i know he would be so pissed off he wouldnt give it to me.

So, i call back then. keep my mouth shut until then and actually he is away until then so i dont have to see him either.

Phew.

Well done!
Now - WA

im going to email them.
if i ring them ill be no use as i will just cry.

The kind poster who offered me a book said i can also email them.

so thats what im going to do.

am going to ask for practical advice for disengaging with him, and legal advice, and hopefully they can recommend a good solicitor.