ex husband - continued bullying, how do i stop it?

[redderthanred]

We have been seperated for 20 months.
Divorce was started, but then for lots of reasons it didnt get very far.

Cant start it up again as there is no legal aid avaliable at the momment.

Anyway, he is still super bullying, agressive, controlling and horrible. The marriage was full of his constant affairs, emotional and occassional physical abuse.

He will go along being all quiet and friendly and helpful for a short while and then blow up in my face.

I automatically take the role i took in our marriage, which is to panic and then try and sort it out, what ever the cost is to me.
Or i try and rebuff for a few days, telling him i will not discus it, or i will not talk to him while he is being like that, but eventually i get dragged in.

Couple of days later i realise what i have done and that he has won again.

He also cronically lies. I know he always lies, about everything. But why do i automatically belive him, and not question it until some hours later? normally once he has fed me the lies and shouted at me?

Firstly - how on earth do i stop this happening.

Secondly, - im about to do something which i know is going to make him seriously kick off at me. How to i protect myself from the inevetiable?

WA will recommend a much better solicitor

If your dd can only handle 2 nights then why don't you split the 2 weeks into 3 short visits with him?

You do have more power than you think.

Please phone up WA and make good use of these 3 weeks.

i did. i told the solicitor that.
he said it was a non issue now as we were getting divorced.

He did also ask what i might have done to provoke that reaction.

im am not joking. I left the solicitors office in floods of tears feeling more worthless than i did before i went in.

"he called me back and told me i was being over emotional and that he could handle the case and deal with in in half the time and far more comptently than the other women solicitors."

Oh, sexist and manipulative. No wonder you're afraid to get a new solicitor, this one sounds rather like an abuser himself.

Definately doesn't sound like the right solicitor for your situation.

Post what your solicitor said on the legal matters board. There are lawyers who post on there and they will tell you he is wrong and unprofessional.

My father and stepmother are lawyers, I can assure you that your solicitor is behaving appallingly.

thats the thing - i did ask to swap to another one in the same practice ( as i had been recommended them)

Then he called me and told me he as more competent than any one else there and could do it in half the time.

I shall contact WA and get them to recommend one.

Went i went to him following the foot in the door incident he said ' well, what do you expect me to do about it'

i told him i wanted it stopped. That is was wrong.

the solicitor sat back in his chair and said, well, tell me what you want to say and ill draft a letter.

i said that i wanted to legally know what i could and couldnt say/do. if i was right to want to stop it.

the solicitor said i could say and do what i wanted, then if he ( ex) took me to court it could be decided then, but i had to bear in mind whatever i did might look bad on me.

and then i came home and cried and never went back. So the divorce never really got started.

"the solicitor said i could say and do what i wanted, then if he ( ex) took me to court it could be decided then, but i had to bear in mind whatever i did might look bad on me."

Christ! I'm angry on your behalf, what a prick! The whole point of solicitors is to advise you of your legal rights and obligations, and he refused to do that. Definitely get rid.

Solicitor sounds like a complete arse!

Def get one recommended by WA

The only piece of useful info my solicitor gave me was what I mentioned earlier, while there is no open communication contact can't be flexible and must be set in stone.

She wanted to send a letter to him telling him he must have open communication with me as thats whats better for dd, when I explained that he shouts and screams at me without fail everytime I speak to him on the phone, she told me I need to be strong and stand up to him. I was speechless actually, I remember telling my family maybe I didn't explain myself to her properly, if it was as simple as, oh just stand up for yourself, nobody would be bullied or abused . I remember thinking it seems to be the childs right's(as it should be) then the fathers right's, then the mother who is taking daily care of the child, comes last and should be expected to be dumped on for the sake of the child's and father's relationship. I realised I have to elevate myself to a place of importance as nobody else was going to and this was the best example for dd.

If I could go back I would strip everything to basics. Priorities for you are, Women's Aid for support and a referral to an appropriate solicitor, minimum basic contact with him about dd's contact whilst you are getting advice from people who will help you, anything else, phonecalls to dd etc, don't even worry about, you are being horribly abused and living in fear, so he doesn't get to speak to his child on the phone, that should be the least of his worries!

so - just got back from picking DD and he was a nice a pie.
All happy and smiling. Told DD he loved her, would see her in a few weeks and that he missed her and if she wanted to call him anytime she could.

He was polite to me, no nastyness at all.
not threatning, no agression.

End up coming away feeling im being over dramatic and making it all up.

Of course i know im not. and that is why they do it. He probably realises hes pushed me as far as he can right now, will back off, i would usually be lulled into a false sense of security and then he starts again.

not going to happen this time.

though now i will just feel really guilty on top of it.

Ironwilledmama - yeah, i get you on the list of rights thing. I very much felt like that.
Your solicitor also sounds rubbish

You are not making it all up.

It is part of the abuse behaviour isn't it? To be nice sometimes, it is done to make you doubt yourself, to make you think that if you just "bahave" how he wants then it will all be OK.

Take not the slightest bit of notice.

Read the posts you have made before this

^
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| It's all up there

And contact WA soon as you can.

Mine was, too. And the mediator, and also my union advisor. If I'd had kids, I'd probably still be fighting to get them back!!! Had I known, then, what I know now, I'd have been aware that such professions attract Narcissists and other power-crazed lunatics. Mind you, if I'd known about it, I wouldn't have been so helpless in the first place :(

Take these other women's advice, Red. Use the rescue services; it's what they're for.

Print out the Bill Of Assertive Rights and pin it on your kitchen wall!
Keep going :) xx

though now i will just feel really guilty on top of it.

You really need to stop doing that.

Hey Red, any chance you could get to London on the 23rd? TRains are cheap if you book now, creche is available and the women seem lovely.

take a look

I have just booked my ticket, including the feminist parenting workshops!! I am sure there would be a plethora of women who could advise you in person, some great panelists and other workshops!!

Did you take your Mum with you? Was that why he was as nice as pie so it appears that you are making it up about him?

Do not be fooled it's jut an act!

The niceness is just as much part of his efforts to control you as the nastiness is. Nice and nasty, up and down, round and round. It's all part of the Cycle of abuse.

no i left mum at home. So it was just me.

Logically i know its just an act.
My behaviour pattern however tells me i am making it sound worse than it is, and that ' see, hes nice - its you.

mum called to make sure i got back ok. I started to go talk and little bit and she said' red. i dont want to know. please do not tell me. i would rather not know'

she knows about all his affairs, and she has seen him be agressive.

but she doesnt want to know anymore.

and thats exacally why i dont tell people.

they dont want to know the truth.

you know the truth

that is all that matters

Why doesn't she want to know, because she can't deal with it emotionally or because she's frustrated with you, or do you not know?

My parents have never done emotionally support and it's screwed me up tbh

Tell WA.

Really

i have no idea.

Shes not frustrated with me, so i guess she just cant deal with it.

probably easier for her if she didnt know.

I wasnt talking to her for most of my marriage. My mother has toxic tendancies and went wall off track following a stressful period in her life. I got to the point where i couldnt deal with her and just cut her out.

During this time, i met, married and moved in with ex dh.

we did not start talking again until after we split up the first time.

I expect if she knew what went on, as a mother she would feel gulity. So she would rather not know.

but thats just my take on it.

who knows