ex husband - continued bullying, how do i stop it?

[redderthanred]

We have been seperated for 20 months.
Divorce was started, but then for lots of reasons it didnt get very far.

Cant start it up again as there is no legal aid avaliable at the momment.

Anyway, he is still super bullying, agressive, controlling and horrible. The marriage was full of his constant affairs, emotional and occassional physical abuse.

He will go along being all quiet and friendly and helpful for a short while and then blow up in my face.

I automatically take the role i took in our marriage, which is to panic and then try and sort it out, what ever the cost is to me.
Or i try and rebuff for a few days, telling him i will not discus it, or i will not talk to him while he is being like that, but eventually i get dragged in.

Couple of days later i realise what i have done and that he has won again.

He also cronically lies. I know he always lies, about everything. But why do i automatically belive him, and not question it until some hours later? normally once he has fed me the lies and shouted at me?

Firstly - how on earth do i stop this happening.

Secondly, - im about to do something which i know is going to make him seriously kick off at me. How to i protect myself from the inevetiable?

"Once again FNF support contact between violent abusive men and their children."

Dittany, please take that pathetic and offensive lie and fuck the fuck off. This is not the place for your ridiculous fantasies about what FNF do, what it tries to achieve and what it actually stands for.

Sadly I have seen parent alienation in action to the point where the child did not believe the social worker/cafcass officer when they told the child that her father did pay maintenance and they had the paperwork to prove it! He wasn't an abusive man, his ex (the person who I was actually friends with originally) had serious mental health issues and lived a fantasy.

Dittany if you have a single case where FNF has demonstrably advocated contact between a known violent man and his children then, please, make it public.

Until you do then I will persist in my belief that you're talking out of your arse on this subject.

Er, I'm not the thread police or owt but if people want to debate FNF/parental alienation might it not better to post elsewhere?

What I'm saying is that I have seen a mother with residency (then it was custody) completey brain wash her children into believing their father didn't pay maintenance, didn't care about them, and that they shouldn't see him anymore.

I knew all the parties involved, I knew them before the split, during the split, after the split - mother going out clubbing trying to pull, trying to get her then dh to have an affair with a colleague, changed her name by deed poll, changed her children' names without permission against the their wishes, and a whole heap more, it was hideous.

Please don't say there are no mothers out there who stop their ex seeing their children out of spite/delusion/entitlement.

If I knew red in person I would encourage her to stop facilitating contact. Irecommend FNF because they have lots of legal information on there free of charge.

You've reached out on here and you can reach out to WA too, it's just the same.

They won't force you to do anything you don't want to do, but step-by-step, one simple action at a time, they can help you separate your life from your ex-hb.

Imagine having that list of steps and one-by-one they are ticked off. The relief.

You've made the biggest and bravest decision in leaving him. Brilliant. These are just the next logical steps and I have every faith you can do it, for you and for your dd.

Dittany an Cargirl

Do you think this is the thread for your ... erm... conversation?

Really?

oh and snorbs

Can you all go and argue somewhere else?

redderthanred,
I recognise the place you are in emotionally as I was there most of last year. I feel you are making decisions from a place of fear and this is why you are reluctant to seek the help and support that you clearly need.
I was advised by my family and friends to seek support from WA and solicitors and although I did to an extent, I didn't follow it up.
A year on, I can see clearly and of course I should have done everything in my power to feel safe from my bully ex. The only way I can describe it is that I was emotionally paralysed with fear, I was worn down and although I knew what was happening to me wasn't right, I felt I couldn't move any which way, as if I just stayed still the bully would just get distracted and move on. But it doesn't work like that. It plays right into their hands. I have no doubt from what you have wrote that you need support, when you have that, you will allow yourself to dare to take the focus off him and work on becoming stronger. Once you are stronger you will realise you and your dd don't have to live like this. Please get every bit of support/help available, it's not going to get any better if you don't. x

I too can understand to a degree how you must be feeling. I had an XH who after I left stalked me and continually harassed me. One day he turned up on the doorsteps of the flat i was renting. I was so scared and didn't know what to do. I phoned the police for advice and burst into tears on the phone to them with worry as they said it was a public right of way so they couldn't remove him, but advised i went into the station that night for a chat and further advice. After a 6 hour chat they informed me on the information I had given they intended to arrest XH for harassment. They took all my mobile as i had kept all the texts and copies of emails as proof. I told them I didnt want to press charges as i only wanted advice on how to make it stop. They gave him a warning and he wasnt to contact me as if he did he risked getting arrested again and charged. I felt so scared when they arrested him. But it was the best thing I ever did, as it made it all stop.

i appreciate it is harder for you as you have your DD (i had no DC's making it easier for me) but maybe consider contacting all forms of advise. The police where fantastic with me and couldn't have done more to help. I thought I was over reacting phoning them but they reassured me I definitely hadn't.

Not sure if this helps but i really hope everything works out for you.

iron - yeah. thats exacally it. I know i should have gone to the csa and got it taken out from source. But i didnt want to because i knew it would make him angry and i am scared of his reaction. So instead i do nothing.

I back down over everything because im scared of his reaction.

Like - a few weeks ago he told me he was going away for 7 weeks up north. We came to an agreement where he could see DD for 3 weekends in a row before he goes, then just one in the time he is away as its a 4 hour drive for him to come back on the weekend and then as soon as he is back. That was all agreed. He phoned me up out of the blue and was very cross he said he had changed his mind and he wanted to stick to every other weekend but that would mean i would have to drive DD halfway ( 45 mins each way for me) on the fri and the sunday. for 3 weeks. I told him i could not afford to do that.
He went mental at me. Shouting, calling me names. telling me i was stopping him seeing his child. telling me i was a selfish bitch. I kept saying, if you give me petrol money i will do it, i just cant afford to do it. I dont have the money. 3 days he just kept on at me. But in the end he went back to what we originally agreed.
But it was awful.

He did it again last week. Called me up and said im having DD over xmas from teh 17th to the 23rd then the 26th to the 30th. ' Shit or bust'
I had to say it wasnt fair, that i wanted to see her too, that she would want to see me too. it took 4 days. 4 DAYS and i managed to get him to agree to evening of 19th till afternoon of 23rd. Then 26th to 29th. But he was again calling me all names under the sun. Shouting. Telling me his decision was final.

Then the way he tells me about the loan repayments. He calls me up and says' DD is starting school in jan, yes?'
so i say yes
then he says ' so she will be at school full time'
so i say yes.
Then he goes ' thought so, thats definate then . You will go and find a full time job and pay half of this loan as im sick of supporting you while you sit on your lazy arse and work part time'

Followed by a string of abuse.

To which i panic and try and come up with a solution that stops him getting at me.

ANyway - ive not slept. Just had constant nightmares about all things i had forgotten.

Im feeling very vunerable and sad today. and a little bit shakey. I have to go and drive the 45 mins and pick dd up. And i know he is going to have a go at me. So i need to pull myself together before then.
Plus i need to cut the grass and do some housework before DD arrives.

Here's something that I used to find useful when my ex would phone up to give me an earful of abuse. I had a post-it note near my phone which said "Is there ANYTHING you could be doing that is more fun than having this conversation?" Given that there are a billion and one things that are more fun than being screamed at down the phone (cleaning the oven, performing my own haemorrhoid surgery etc) it helped to remind me that I was only listening to the abuse through choice. And I could change my mind and choose to put the phone down and do something I enjoy instead.

You don't have to sit and listen to a phone call that has turned into a tirade of abuse. You are allowed to say "I'm not listening to your abuse" and simply put the phone down. It can be scary the first time you do it as you don't know what's going to happen next but it's also very liberating. It also gets a lot easier the more times you do it.

The first few times you do it he'll probably phone right back and if he does then you can choose whether to pick up the phone (I wouldn't as he'll just try to start up again where he left off) or ignore it.

It's about taking back control over your own life. You can't control him and his nut-jobbery, but you can control how much influence it has over your life.

Another tip: negotiate contact in writing. Or if you have to do it over the phone, as soon as he picks up the phone then tell him that you are recording the call (just put your phone on speakerphone and use a tape recorder - make sure you record the bit where you tell him he's being recorded). If he knows he's being recorded then he might be a bit more careful. If not (as in my ex's case) then you get the abusive tirade on tape and can take it to the police.

You can do this. You can take back control for your own life. You've achieved so much all by yourself for your DD. Now try putting a little of that fight and strength into achieving something that will make your life better.

Please, please stop answering the phone to him, get a 2nd mobile phone so you can have your current one on silent - don't reply to his texts restrict it to email only. If he turns up at your home other than to collect your dd phone the police - you are very scared of him, he has harmed you in the past.

Please phone WA and contact your local police domestic unit they will help you. SIL has eventually got some sort of anti-harrasment order, ex BIL was arrested for a 2nd time due to a night of abusive texts. The police will act but it does take time and repeat incidences.

Even if he gets a solicitor you can reply to solicitor letters without having your own.

Alternate weekends, half the school holidays and one night per week is fairly standard contact you are not being unreasonable. Let him rant about the loan, did you have a family car, furniture etc - what happened to that? If he has it you're entitled to car - he is just using it to be abusive and intimidate you.

Two years ago I could have written your post. I left my x 3 years ago and yet 'freedom' didn't come immediately because I carried on trying to reason with him, present my side, appeal to his better side. Ha!

The ONLY way forward I realise a year down the line, living hundreds of miles away but still not free, is to STOP communicating with him, stop defending yourself, stop trying to reason with him.

It's a very hard habit to break. And at first you feel like an even bigger doormat than you were in your marriage when you don't reply to his texts, messages, emails telling you what an incompetent fool you are blah blah blah. You slip in to auto-pilot, trying to reason with him, but break that habit.

the only thing I ever did which seemed to penetrate my x's forcefield of arrogance was to be the one who made the decision to cease all communication. I am very lucky that my parents take on this role when it comes to the children. He wouldn't DARE treat them the way he speaks to me and controls me.

i do do the saying im not listening to this and hanging up sometimes.
not all the time.
which is probably why he continues to do it.

I know this is one of my faults. My sister said this to me, my dad is more than crap, and my mum - well. thats another story. But my sister said, i get all angry, say im not going to talk to them. or not listen to it any more and then, few days later i do.

I think its because i want them to behave better. I keep giving them chances to redeem themselves. Or to be reasonable.

Once Ex husband has told me that he has told his new gf everything that happened ( dont believe this for a second) and that he wasnt a very good husband and treated me badly.
I said. no - you werent. Are you sorry.
and he goes - no. im not, you deserved it.

Guys stop the discussion of wa v fnf on this thread it is totally out of order and unproductive and if you both care so much about the rights of children in violent or abusive circumstances perhaps recognising the needs of THIS poster without a bunch of political crap.

OP your ex doesnt own you, owe you or have the right to make you live in fear. Call WA. You have been brave and strong up till now and calling them wont make it real. It will help it to end!

Keep us updated.

i do try and reason with him.
when i know hes totally unreasonable.

and yes, it is really hard to not do that.

But i need it to stop.

Ive gone down the -' all correspondance will be via email' thing before. I gave reasons ' that is best as we both have it in writing so noone gets confused etc'
you know what
he refused to do that, said he wasnt going to be dictated to by me and would only speak to me on the phone.

My solicitor at the time said that wasnt a divorce issue and we should just sort it out.

Red you're now saying that you keep giving them chances to redeem themselves. If you're recognising that than keep telling yourself that he isn't and it doesn't matter and you don't care!

You could play "abuse bingo" run a sweepstake with how many attempts in a week he will try to put you down and what method he will try!!!

Have you got a door chain? He may up the anti when he collects your dd, I would have your dd ready to go a few minutes before the time he is due - open the door, hand over your dd shut the door. If any abuse starts phone the police. If he starts before you've handed over your dd shut the door again, use the chain tell him that he needs to stop or you will be calling the police.

I know it's very hard but he isn't going to change he will continue to be like this and you need to show a consistant zero tolerance approach to him. Try and visualise him as the pathetic man child he really is.

"Ive gone down the -' all correspondance will be via email' thing before. I gave reasons ' that is best as we both have it in writing so noone gets confused etc'
you know what
he refused to do that, said he wasnt going to be dictated to by me and would only speak to me on the phone."

Exactly he wants the power and control, don't reason with him just refuse to answer texts and the phone to him. What's the worst he can do - take you to court to come to a fixed contact order? TBH that is what you need because then he can't ask you to move contact which gives him no reason to contact you other than to say he won't be having your dd for a contact visit.

cargirl - i know. I think its some pervse thing i have that i feel that i failed and picked to be with someone so awful. That there is a nice person in there somewhere.

Thats my crap issue which doesnt help things.

ha - abuse bingo. Yeah. Its been a bit full on this last month/6 weeks. Just one thing after another really.

I dont have a door chain. He has in the past jammed his foot in the door. That was over a year ago. He did that and i said he wasnt taking DD that day. He proceeded to stalk round the house, climbing over the back fence trying to get in for about an hour. I locked and shut everything. Closed the curtains. In the end my mum and step dad came and got rid of him.

I didnt call the police as i was terrified what would happen if i did.

After today though, i wont have to see him for 3 weeks.