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Original poster

Partner doesn't like baby

228 replies

ipukepoodles · 29/09/2010 13:09

Hi,
I've come here as a last resort as i really don't know what to do anymore!
I have a 5 week old boy who i love to bits and actually think is really well behaved for a baby, however, my partner thinks differently. Whenever he cries he calls him a 'whinging bastard' and won't pick him up, he says he feels like he isn't a dad and says he resents him as we argue quite a bit now. Thing is, when i was pregnant he was pretty good (okay so not the most enthuastic person about it but towards the end he was) He's not a bad person at all and been a really good boy friend but suddenly he's changed. If our baby is crying and there's something he wants to watch on tv he wants to put him in the other room and 'let him cry it out' iv'e tried explaining that he's too young to be left but he won't have any of it so i have to go and sit in the other room too.
Is any of this normal? What can i do to try and get him to form a relationship with his son? I'm really trying but not getting anywhere and then i end up cross and upset and say things like you dont do anything, your shit. But i know this is only going to make things worse but i'm desperate! :(

I had a long labour and know that he actually found the labour really hard and nearly fainted - could he resent him because he just remembers the labour? Also he spent 6 days in neonatal unit. This baby wasn't planned but it was him that convinced me to keep him (not that i regret it at all!) He expects me to do all the cleaning of the flat whilst he is at work too and argues with me if it's not tidy enough! He's actually a really great guy (although i've painted this picture of him, he is loving towards me and other than this we rarely argue!) but i'm at my wits end now!

OP posts:
MooMooFarm · 29/09/2010 13:16

He may be a 'really great guy' in other ways, but if my DH had ever referred to any of our newborn babies as a 'whinging bastard' I would have found it hard to see any 'greatness' in him, TBH. I don't know what to suggest, but i wanted to give you my sympathy for a crap situation and just say that he is being an unreasonable shit bag, and you have done absolutely nothing, nothing, nothing wrong! You've just had a baby, FFS! It's you who went through the long labour, you who is up all night (probably) not getting any sleep, and you who have had your world turned upside down - NOT HIM! (Sorry for shouting!)

Hopefully if is is really usually a great guy (and I'm not being sarcastic now, honestly), you will be able to give him a kick up the arse, tell him how unhappy he is making you, and he will realise he needs to start grovelling.

emmyloulou · 29/09/2010 13:17

He is not really a great guy, he calls is newborn son a whinging bastard.

He sounds like a child, how old is he? It's not unusual for people who have less desirable or immature personalities to feel pushed out at the arrival of a new baby as they are no longer your no1 priority and then let their true colours shine through.

It's a v.stressful time having new children in the house but it's not normal for them be resented, called names and shut in a room as if they don't exist no.

Have you spoke to your hv?

HRHPrincessReality · 29/09/2010 13:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

JoanHolloway · 29/09/2010 13:21

How old is your partner? He sounds really young...

BooBooGlass · 29/09/2010 13:24

If you think that's a great guy, I'd hate to see what you'd think a bad one looks like.
Get rid, you and your baby deserve so much better.
And really, don't giv e athought to how hard he found labour Shock. It was you that went through it, he merely watched. What a selfish bastard he sounds.

MooMooFarm · 29/09/2010 13:24

Oh come on HRHScarey, OP isn't a fool, she's clearly just really upset about how this is all turning out when she should be having a lovely babymoon. Nobody wants to admit their partner is being a complete arse do they? Yes I think we're right to tell her her partner is being a twat, but OP doesn't deserve to be bashed too....??

Can we all be friends please?

Original poster
ipukepoodles · 29/09/2010 13:24

Yeah, i know he should never call him a whinging bastard, he sort of says it in a joking kinda way but it's really not funny.
He's 24, he says he didn't just love me, it grew so thats what will happen with our son too. I'm really struggling now and don't know what to do, I end up crying loads which just makes things worse.

No i haven't spoke to her about it, i lied and said he was great because she was asking about post natal depression and because i had depression for 4 years she automatically assumed i will get PND.

Iv'e tried taking a different approcah to it and being supportive but i still end up cross and hurt because it feels like i haven't given him the child he wanted. He said he just expected things to be different as he's not had much to do with any new borns before.

I really thought things would be different :(

OP posts:
Champersonice · 29/09/2010 13:25

Get rid of your DbastardH and be happy with your DS!!

lalalonglegs · 29/09/2010 13:26

Whether the baby was planned or not you both decided to go ahead with the pregnancy and he seems to be completely unrealistic about what having a baby entails. I did find having a newborn very frustrating so I do sympathise with him a bit but being sulky and irritable isn't going to help you or him. The optimist in me says maybe he will get better when your son starts smiling and gurgling in the next few weeks but the realist in me says that he may need help to address his behaviour. It's not normal to be that hostile and I would worry if it was going to get worse rather than better and turn to aggression Sad.

Malificence · 29/09/2010 13:27

It's nowhere in the spectrum of normal. Sad

"Really great guys" don't shove their newborn into another room, they hold their crying baby and interact with them, calling a baby a "whinging bastard" is truly unforgivable and rings a huge warning bell.

I hope you don't plan to leave your baby alone with this man.

BooBooGlass · 29/09/2010 13:27

'No i haven't spoke to her about it, i lied and said he was great because she was asking about post natal depression and because i had depression for 4 years she automatically assumed i will get PND'

That isn't a terrible assumption to make you know. She was trying to look out for you. If this acrries on, you will get PND because at the moment you are trying to look after two babies, when really, you shoudl be having help looking after just the one. He sounds a manipulative arsehole. Did he really not think a newborn would be hard work??

HRHPrincessReality · 29/09/2010 13:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
ipukepoodles · 29/09/2010 13:28

By people telling me he's crap etc really isn't going to help.

I came here for help not to be told he's crap, i already know that.

He just says he thought that he would do more so i guess he had unrealistic expectations and because of that he's un enthuastic?

OP posts:
MooMooFarm · 29/09/2010 13:29

Lots of men are still a bit immature at 24 so maybe he just needs to grow up a bit...

Did he know you when you were depressed before? Or if he didn't, I'm assuming he knows about it? You need him to be supporting you now, not battering you down back into feeling crap all the time.

Hvae you tried telling him how upset you are? And if that doesn't get you anywhere, do you have a good relationship with his family, ie could you maybe get his mum/sister/etc to try to talk to him?

Maybe he is just struggling to adjust to fatherhood, but in the meantime you need to be looked after too - you've just had a baby and you really don't need all this crap! Do you have many friends/family locally that you could confide in a bit?

LadyintheRadiator · 29/09/2010 13:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BooBooGlass · 29/09/2010 13:30

No, you don't know that. You think he's a great guy. What has happened in the past to make you feel so worthless that a guy like this is worth sticking with? Serious question.

expatinscotland · 29/09/2010 13:31

Because the only 'help' that is realistically the best for you and your baby is to leave this person.

He's not a partner, he's the type of man you read about in the papers after he's arrested for doing something terrible to his own child.

Being young is no excuse.

My husband was 24 when his first was born and wouldn't have dreamed of treating her that way (calling her a whinging bastard or putting her in another room to cry it out).

This person is too immature for fatherhood or an adult relationship like this.

He's not a really great guy.

JoanHolloway · 29/09/2010 13:31

Oh dear, poor you. Fwiw, I think it's quite normal to be shocked at the reality of life with a newborn and perfectly lovely dp's/dh's quite often resent the arrival of a small, wanted baby. The first year is really really hard.

Can you have a chat about it being hard for everybody? You need to make it clear you want him to knock the swearing at him (whingeing bastard) on the head. Is there anybody in RL you can talk to about all this?

Malificence · 29/09/2010 13:31

Op, we were 24/25 when we had our DD, my husband would pace the floor with her for hours when she wouldn't settle, that's what decent dads do.

He isn't "unenthusiastic" - he sounds dangerous.

dinkystinky · 29/09/2010 13:32

Your partner is in denial about the change to your lives - both of your lives - having a baby brings and blaming it on the baby. Not a very mature response but is sometimes the way people react. He needs to accept that having a baby brings change, accept your baby for who your baby is, and embrace fatherhood. If he doesnt, or cant, then I'm afraid the two of you are going to find the next year (the first year is the hardest on a relationship IME - and the first 6 weeks are really hard) really very hard. Please do speak to someone - midwife, other new mums, family - to ensure you as a new mum are getting some support while your partner isnt providing it to you.

Original poster
ipukepoodles · 29/09/2010 13:32

I get on well with his sister and his mum, iv'e thougt about trying to speak to his sister but i dont want him to think i'm telling tales. I know he needs to grow up but i'm hoping that he will change in time. I don't want to be by myself but at this rate iv'e got no other choice!

OP posts:
MooMooFarm · 29/09/2010 13:33

I was going to mention the swearing too - its a good habit to get into (not swearing) way before children are old enough to try and copy. I used to swear like a lorry driver and DH refused to impregnate me until I stopped...

MooMooFarm · 29/09/2010 13:35

Then I think you should try talking to his mum about it. If she's any kind of decent granny she will do her upmost to give her son a kick up the arse to make sure she doesn't end up losing both of you (you & baby I mean...).

gingercat12 · 29/09/2010 13:35

Wow! Calm down everyone. It is not helping ipukepoodles to slag his OH off. I am sure she can do that herself.

Could it be that your partner is really tired, not getting enough sleep perhaps? Sleep deprivation can really change someone's personality.

MooMooFarm · 29/09/2010 13:36

.. sorry I keep hitting enter before I finish the message. I was also going to say that its not a question of telling tales, it's about you being pushed into a horrible situation where you have no choice but to look for outside help, isn't it? Then maybe he will also realise how serious it is.

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