Partner doesn't like baby

[ipukepoodles]

Hi,
I've come here as a last resort as i really don't know what to do anymore!
I have a 5 week old boy who i love to bits and actually think is really well behaved for a baby, however, my partner thinks differently. Whenever he cries he calls him a 'whinging bastard' and won't pick him up, he says he feels like he isn't a dad and says he resents him as we argue quite a bit now. Thing is, when i was pregnant he was pretty good (okay so not the most enthuastic person about it but towards the end he was) He's not a bad person at all and been a really good boy friend but suddenly he's changed. If our baby is crying and there's something he wants to watch on tv he wants to put him in the other room and 'let him cry it out' iv'e tried explaining that he's too young to be left but he won't have any of it so i have to go and sit in the other room too.
Is any of this normal? What can i do to try and get him to form a relationship with his son? I'm really trying but not getting anywhere and then i end up cross and upset and say things like you dont do anything, your shit. But i know this is only going to make things worse but i'm desperate! :(

I had a long labour and know that he actually found the labour really hard and nearly fainted - could he resent him because he just remembers the labour? Also he spent 6 days in neonatal unit. This baby wasn't planned but it was him that convinced me to keep him (not that i regret it at all!) He expects me to do all the cleaning of the flat whilst he is at work too and argues with me if it's not tidy enough! He's actually a really great guy (although i've painted this picture of him, he is loving towards me and other than this we rarely argue!) but i'm at my wits end now!

Newborns are hard work - both me and DH found the first few months very rough indeed and, if anything, DH took to parenthood a lot quicker and better than I did.

A difficult newborn is NOT, however, an excuse for how he is behaving. If he finds being around your son so very difficult, then HE is the one who needs to be going elsewhere - not you and the baby!

You say he's a nice guy in every other way so have you sat down and spelled out exactly how you are feeling and how unnacceptable his behaviour is? It would be ultimatum time for me I think - sort yourself out or ship out...

I just wanted to point out that fathers can also suffer from depression after the birth of a child, and gradually there are services appearing to support dads in this situation.

As it sounds as though your partner's current behaviour is not entirely in character, I'd suggest that when you talk to your HV, it might be worth exploring the possibility of support for your partner in making the transition to parenthood.

No, he gets 8 hours a night or so. I knew it would change things but not like this. He does feed him in the morning before work and will if i ask him to in the evening, and he will change him but if he's crying he doesn't want anything to do with him.

Poodles, I had seriously bad, full blown depression over 5yrs before I had DS. There was mention of PND, we all run the risk of it, regardless of our history. I didn't get it, and neither did you.

DS dad was horrific, didn't do a thing, told em to take the baby out of the room so his sleep was not disturbed.... and he wasn't actually working out of the home, he was developing/renting property, so not a 9-5 at all. No excuse. He did however sit with DS of an evening, hold him and cuddle him.

He never once called him a name. Mind you, he wasn't the one up for 4 days straight....

You say that your P didn't just love you, it grew over time. Sorry honey, but I think he got used to you and accustomed to having you around to care for him.

This is not a match made in heaven. He is not going to suddenly get all loved up over his DS.

Is that what you are prepared to settle for? a life of someone being with you out of habit, circumstance?

Your DS is 5wks? wait till he gets possessive over you.... will your P take the competition?

Seriously, being on your own is better than sharing a space with a man that is calling his only child names within the first month.

So, he is involved with his physical care, but finds the crying difficult to bear? Is he kind to you?

I am at this thread.
Speechless.
For once.

Well nearly.

You poor thing, but your even poorer child, to have a complete arse for a dad.

If this is what he is really like, as opposed to just spur of the moment sleep deprived (which is still no excuse to behave/speak in this way) then he will not change in time. Only you can judge that.

Some people just arent good with little babies OP - they find it hard to relate to them - but are better with the child as they get older. My MIL said she hated the baby stage (whereas FIL loved it) and found it hard to connect to the babies, but as soon as their personalities came out when they were toddlers it was a whole different story.

ipukepoodles it is a major adjustment raising a newborn baby. You have had to become a mother, and put baby first, and so your partner should be a father and put baby first. Something has not gone right, as he doesn't seem to have accepted the transformation in his role. And that worries me. If he doesn't have the major protective urge, like you clearly do, he could indeed be dangerous around the baby.

Tempers fray when children cry for hours, when we are sleep deprived, but what sees us through is the massive love we have for our kids. If your partner doesn't have that, at this most demanding time of the child's life, he really will not cope well. This could put the baby in danger. Or you, or both.

Please ask for some help. Don't feel you are telling tales, you are a mother first, his partner second. If you need to talk to someone to reassure yourself he is feeling the right things, so be it.

What would you tell a friend is it were her in this situation.

You really do need to talk to somebody, a friend, family member, anyone. Being on here will give you a bit of perspective, but you really need some one to one support from friends or family, particularly if any of them are prepared to intervene a bit, take him aside and give him a quiet little chat about how much of an arse he's being and how upset you are.

Is there anyone you can pick the phone up to or pop round to see?

Hi ipukepoodles. Your post made me very :(. I think it's clear you know this isn't right, but that you are looking for some practical advice on what you can do to help your DP bond with your DS, yes?

Does he want to bond with his baby? Is he willing to make an effort to make that happen? I think that really is the key question.

If he is willing, then I think there are a couple of things you/he could do.

1. Read up on baby development. I think a lot of men find the newborn stage more difficult because, as your DP says, they don't actually do much, do they?! And perhaps men are not programmed to respond so strongly to a helpless blob as women are. So tell him that 6 weeks is when DS will likely start smiling - it is fantastic to get a positive response from your baby! In fact 6 wks in general was a big jump forward for us. Find out and discuss together about the milestones your baby is likely to reach. this will give your DP things to look forward to - eg when my DD was 6.5mths old we took her on the swings for the first time - stuff like that. It is nice for him to be reminded that the demanding wriggly blob stage doesn't actually last long!

2. Find a dad's group locally (netmums local boards are good for this) or get him to go for a beer with any other dads he knows - I know it really helped my DH to talk to other dads from our antenatal group as it made him realise things in our house were pretty normal, and that it does all get better as they grow.

3. give your DP a specific job to do for your DS - eg my DH took control of bathtimes, with me 'helping' until I/he felt confident he could manage. For a while they used to get into the bath together as DD hated the baby bath, which was actually really really lovely. That meant I got a bit of a break while he bathed DD, and he says that doing that really changed their relationship - whereas before he always felt she wanted me, once they had bonded more through bathtime he felt he could comfort her more easily etc.

Try to have a calm chat with your DP and see if any of these suggestions appeal to him.

Good luck :)

And congratulations on your DS!

I would be worried how he will react when the tantrums start tbh.
Can you ask your HV for help or referral to Homestart or similar?

Yeah he is kind to me, and despite what people have said, towards me, he has been good, we still have a laugh and rarely argue other than this.

he will sit with him sometimes and he has bathed him a few times but just not that interested. He sayts now is my time with him, when he's a bt older it's his time, which basically means i want all the hugs now and when he doesnt want them anymore he will have him.

I just need his support and i cant get through to him how badly!

has he tried snuggling with him inside his shirt - skin to skin ?

Something like that may help to build a link with him and make him appreciate what having a newborn actually means.

Can you explain to him exactly how you feel and tell him you need his support? Do you think he would act differently if he realised how it was affecting you? If he's really a great guy then that should be enough.

His behaviour sounds pretty abusive - it doesn't sound like he's having trouble bonding with your DS, it sounds like he's acting up like a jealous child and having a go at you about cleaning and putting DS in another room to show him who's boss.

Please don't worry about telling tales, you need some support.

And I agree with the posters who advise asking for help, too - health visitor, family, friends... - ok that's it now, I've said all i wanted to say! Sorry it took 3 goes! :)

Gingerkirstey - Yes thats what he says - that he doesn't do much. I will try reading up on milestones and show him, thank you.

TBH i think he's got himself in a way of thinking and wont change it until he really does realise this is how things are. He thinks he can't do it and that because sometimes he crys and carrys on crying even if P has got him but when i pick him up he stops.

Can you think of specifics, that you would like him to do, that he isn't doing now? I think men are better with specifics, eg: Can you walk him round the block until he is asleep so I can have a bath without listening to him cry, rather than, I need more support. I know it is tiresome having to spell things out, but it as things are now, it's not working for you at all.

Is there anybody who would watch him for a couple of hourse so you can go out? Have you been able to do anything as a couple? Do you have any friends with babies that you can talk to about all this?

My husband was never very good when they were newborn he seemed to just leave that bit to me. He was never nasty or unpleasent to the baby.. would come home from work say hello baby and that was the sum total interaction.. about 12 weeks when the baby started to smile and interact he got a lot better.. Maybe your DP will too?
I hope

I agree with Malificence. Alarm bells were ringing as soon as I read your op.

You need to explain to your partner that his feelings and behaviour are not "normal". He needs to seek counselling urgently.

Years ago when I was young I was at a friends house and there was a man with his child there, the little boy couldn't have been any older than 12 months. I can remember the man calling the child a "a whinging cunt". I was shocked and had to leave but I didn't do anything about it which I regret. I really hope that the child was removed from his care as it was clear that the father wasn't fit to look after him.

Having a child is difficult. I remember saying "Oh for gods sake" once when ds1 was screaming. Dh pulled me up on that and he was right to do so. Calling your baby a "whinging bastard" quite clearly shows that your partner isn't coping with becoming a father and you must ensure that he seeks professional support.

Hi ipukepoodles

I would really urge you to speak to someone in real life about this.

To call his little baby a whinging bastard rings very loud alarm bells. As does removing him just so he can watch telly. He is either very very immature, like a 10 year old or perhaps someone who requires some help.

Why let it reach crisis - get some real life advice - none of us can really make the call without knowing him and you and the situation.

ok I've read the OP and skimmed a bit and unless I missed some vital clue as to the OP's bloke's inherent evilness I think there's a bit of over reaction going on here.

While it may not be on the Nice, Supportive wonderful daad spectrum I disagree that it isn't on the normal spectrum - I think you'll find it is!! The guy is shocked by the reality of having a baby and is being thoughtless and selfish (very) and yes he found labour hard boo hoo poor diddums etc).

But he will get better with the baby and will love him - I can almost guarantee it.

OP I don't think you need to jump to getting rid of him just yet. I will come back later when I have had some thoughts...

wonka - thats about as much as he will say to him, when we are out he will get him out his push chair and carry him if he's crying and rock him but when we are at home he won't very much, he loves taking photos of him and filling out the baby book though.

Joanholloway - I will try that. We went out last week to the cinema because i suggested we do someything together, it was great and we had a really good time. My friends come over a lot to help me out which is good.

I really feel for you as this is not normal.

You have had some good advise already.

Please explain to your dp that calling his baby is not appropriate, it is hurting you, the babys mother, it will disgust other people who hears it, and it time it will hurt the child. He must stop immediately. Even if it is a joke, it is not funny, and he must not say it.

Please dont accept that you shall be banished from your living room and go and sit in a different room so your dp can forget about you and his child, while enjyoing a tv show. It is madness. If he wants to enjoy the tv show, he should snuggle up with baby, cuddle baby so he quietens down.

There is nothing like sitting on the sofa with a newborn blissfully asleep on his fathers chest, while dad watches tv, with an arm supporting babys back/bottom.

A lot of men struggle with the newborn stage. They feel pushed out and helpless. Esp if you are breast feeding. It is actually normal for him to feel this way. What is NOT normal is for him to call your baby names and put him in another room.

Does he hold the baby much? Are you breastfeeding? If not does he feed the baby at all? My DH found the newborn bit hard but threw himself into all the other practical stuff he could do for me to help. I didn't breastfeed so DH did all the washing and sterilising of bottles, making them up etc for the first few weeks.

He needs to understand that crying is the baby's only way of communicating at the moment so if baby is crying there is something wrong. Shutting the baby in another room won't help.

You need to sit down and talk to him when you are both calm. And if i were you I would be warning him that if this doesn't stop it will be HIM out the door and not the baby.