Partner doesn't like baby

[ipukepoodles]

Hi,
I've come here as a last resort as i really don't know what to do anymore!
I have a 5 week old boy who i love to bits and actually think is really well behaved for a baby, however, my partner thinks differently. Whenever he cries he calls him a 'whinging bastard' and won't pick him up, he says he feels like he isn't a dad and says he resents him as we argue quite a bit now. Thing is, when i was pregnant he was pretty good (okay so not the most enthuastic person about it but towards the end he was) He's not a bad person at all and been a really good boy friend but suddenly he's changed. If our baby is crying and there's something he wants to watch on tv he wants to put him in the other room and 'let him cry it out' iv'e tried explaining that he's too young to be left but he won't have any of it so i have to go and sit in the other room too.
Is any of this normal? What can i do to try and get him to form a relationship with his son? I'm really trying but not getting anywhere and then i end up cross and upset and say things like you dont do anything, your shit. But i know this is only going to make things worse but i'm desperate! :(

I had a long labour and know that he actually found the labour really hard and nearly fainted - could he resent him because he just remembers the labour? Also he spent 6 days in neonatal unit. This baby wasn't planned but it was him that convinced me to keep him (not that i regret it at all!) He expects me to do all the cleaning of the flat whilst he is at work too and argues with me if it's not tidy enough! He's actually a really great guy (although i've painted this picture of him, he is loving towards me and other than this we rarely argue!) but i'm at my wits end now!

And I still want to know how he treated the cats when he hated them. Which is relevant, very relevant.

I would bet my life he was cruel to them and if he was OP and you don't have to say so here but it's a bloody big alarm bell that should be going off in your head.
Again my own dad split the family dogs head open throwing a stone at it "messing around" as a teenager, the signs and links are there between the ability to care for an animal and be a good carer, it's why we buy our children pets so they can practice being loving.

He expects her to do all the housework and calls her names when it is not done.

That is abusive.

He doesn't need to "flip"

He left a crying newborn baby alone downstairs so he wouldn't be disturbed while he slept.

He has engineered a situation where the OP is afraid to go out in case he neglects the child again.

And, just in case people still don't get it HE CALLS HER NAMES WHEN SHE DOESN'T DO AS HE TELLS HER.

This is verging on thread hijacking by a bunch of folks who are convinced they know abuse when they see it -- even when the OP has said they have got it wrong and that she is confident she can distinguish between her partner being in mental distress and abuse.

The OP has been quite clear that she does not think her partner has been abusive. He has done nothing that men and women who've struggled to cope with the arrival of new babies haven't done before -- swearing and arguing about who will do stuff, trying to drown out the baby's crying, trying to ignore the baby, etc etc. They are not nice behaviours, but they are often encountered by people with PND.

It may be that you are all right and that he does turn out to be abusive, but that is not the story that appears to being told by the OP at present.

If someone had posted on the MH board saying she had done the very same things that the OP says her partner had done, she would not get posts accusing her of being abusive. She would get posts offering her support and suggesting she may have PND.

Exactly. Probably because she'd be the one doing all the work! And plenty of abused women don't realise what's happening at first, whether that's true for the OP or not. It starts with subtle behaviours and becomes a nightmare gradually.

spikeycow, even given the fact that the patriarchy prevails and that many relationships are inherently unjustly set up, fathers too can have a difficult time adjusting, and can get depressed, and that warrants compassion not irritation.

Re subtle behaviours, that frankly sounds like an overactive copper: "I could tell the youth was a criminal cos he was acting suspicious by wearing a hoodie and sneered when I looked at him". the subtle signs are not only subtle, they are also not reliable indicators of an ineluctable descent into abusive behaviour.

No, I wouldn't have compassion for someone who was bullying me in my own home. Minimising abusive behaviour is a dangerous game and I can imagine abused women reading this and finding excuses for their partners behaviour.

No one is saying these bahaviours are OK or acceptable. Yes, abuse starts with subtle signs and becomes a nightmare. And, from personal experience, there are other cases where the same behaviours are displayed but the signs indicate something else, and no nightmare is descended into. Without knowing OP and her partner it's a bit presumptuous to leap to assume these are inevitably the first steps into the nightmare scenario.

spikeycow, oh yes you would. what else did you mean by "Exactly" in your previous post? You characterised the behaviours you saw here as bullying and you agreed with my contention that if a woman had posted on the MH board saying she'd done the same things, she'd have had messages of support, and you clearly implied that you thought it would be right that she got messages of support.

the behaviour is problematic. it may indicate the first signs of abuse. as systemsaddict says, it may also not. but you appear to be implying that the person carrying out the behaviour should receive support if a woman and condemnation if a man.

As for minimising abuse being a dangerous game: I agree. But I don't think that's what I'm doing, because neither you nor I know that there is abuse occurring. We only know what the OP has told us, and that is something that you yourself have characterised as "subtle behaviours". Seeing abuse where it doesn't exist will not physically endanger anyone, but is still undoubtedly harmful.

I've been posting support for the OP, not other women. If you like, I'll say it more directly: "Other women, my posts were not directed to you! Your situations will be different! People who are depressed may behave appallingly and it may be difficult to tell if that's what's happening or if your partner is actually abusive!"

But all this does is get us away from the OP and her specific situation. I wouldn't be surprised if she's given up on any thoughts of posting by now... it doesn't feel like a thread aimed at helping her any more

OP. You are clearly in denial and seemingly pretty selfish too. Whilst your DP is an utter nasty prick you leave your baby with him!!! Who needs to leave a baby with anyone at 5 weeks old? Clearly you are both too immature to have a child.

If anyone called my tiny baby a whinging bastard and shut it in a room when it cried there's no way on earth they would ever be in a room alone, let alone in a house without me.

What is wrong with the both of you?

Go to your GP and raise your concerns. I bet you haven't even called women's aid, if nopt I wondered why you posted at all. It clearly wasn't to get any real advice.

Good God PosieParker, how is any of that helpful. If this is your approach to other people I dread to think how you approach parenting. That shower of vitriol made me shudder nearly as much as the 'whingeing bastard' comment in the original post. Get a grip

Erm, I'm not sure my parenting has anything to do with how I approach new parents where one is abusive and the other leaves a newborn with the abuser.

A baby, like nothing else, needs love, care and patience. If you are not equipped to do this then you really should step out. If the OP would rather pander to this man over the needs of her baby then she deserves him.

Oh and as for a man having depression post baby it is no excuse for being an arsehole. A woman may be like this because she has loads of hormones contributing to PND.

I'm so glad that the OP doesn't consider herself in an abusive relationship (not having read the whole post).

Because if she was, being undermined and abused by the person who should be looking after you at a time like this would be made so much better by someone telling you that she is selfish, immature and ignorant (by inference)

You're right, PosieParker in that having PND doesn't excuse anyone from being an arsehole. But having had PND myself, it does tend to make one slightly irrational.

Criticism is fine, but let's make it constructive, eh?

PND...understandable, hormone induced, baby reliant.....but a man having it who is both abusive to his newborn and partner...nope.

The OP doesn't want constructive advice, she wants other people to say that their dps were the same and that it's normal, she wants strategies to encourage this arse to be nice.

Oh fuck it, she's not reading this anyway.

Good god what has happened to this thread??

OP I hope you are not still reading all this claptrap about abusers.

I have never seen such extrapolation and embellisment of an OP's post to reach conclusions that are totally without foundation.

No one denies the man has behaved badly but on the evidence presented he is not some kind of monster.

OP I hope you are instead speaking to your dad and or HV with a view to ironing out these problems.

OP- I just wanted to say that I felt a lot like your DH at times. I didn't swear at my DD but I did walk away and leave her in another room (not for very long, but I did do it). I did resent her at times, I even wished I had never had her.

And I didn't have PND (as far as I know) so yes, I think some of what you are describing is normal- the feelings at least, rather than the actions. With me it didn't last for very long, the first few weeks were really hard but it got easier, and I did bond with her.

The swearing and the leaving your newborn to cry are of course completely unacceptable and if your DH is normally the good bloke you think he is, he will have to change that immediately. I hope you can both get some help/support, there is some excellent advise from other posters about contacting surestart etc.

But as far as being abusive, that is for you to decide as you're the only one that has the full story. If you have any doubts I would call Womens Aid as others suggest just to talk them through.

Jesus posieparker. Your posts are almost parodic: you are personally abusive of the poster for ... putting up with what you characterise as abuse. Indeed, you're furious with her for ... putting up with someone who has anger issues. This is just bizarre. Is your anger somehow more special, more pure, more virtuous than other people's?

Oh, and I'm glad to hear from you that depresssion is only real when hormones and breastfeeding are involved (despite the OP saying she's FF anyway, so the baby need be no more physically reliant on her than on anyone else). Anyone else, particularly any man, with post-arrival-of-baby depression is obviously just an "arsehole" to use your delightful and not at all "abusive" turn of phrase.

Thank you, buttonmoon.

I'm sad at the thought that the OP is unlikely to post on this thread again, given the hostility and anger washing around. I hope she's doing OK and poodles, if you're out there I'm rooting for you, as I'm sure are loads of others!

Am v shocked at the suggestion that a woman shouldn't be able to leave a newborn with its father and go out. It was only by leaving the baby that she discovered that the DP couldn't cope with the crying. How is that her fault or is she supposed to be a mind reader?

I didn't think the OP had depression.

But you're right being angry at, or on behalf of, a new mother is not on and so I'm hiding the thread. I am quite irrationally incensed at a baby being verbally and emotionally abused which isn't helping anyone.

Posieparker your comments didn't help, i left our baby with him when i went to see friends as this was his suggestion as i was finding this difficult.

If he had called him a whinging bastard or anything before, i wouldnt have left him with him, you had no right to call me selfish and immature. I am trying my best.

Your critisim and everyone elses of me and how i should leave him is not something i asked for and not something i needed. I'm not blind, i'm not stupid, i knew something was wrong as i came here didn't i. I simply wanted help.

Today i went to the doctors and was told i have PND and i am now back on anti depressants.

I won't be posting again as by many people, (with the exception of some, which have been really helpful, and for that, i thank you) i am seen as naive and stupid for staying with him.

Thank you again to the people that really did help and give helpful advice.

Good on you poodles, glad the GP has taken action and hope you all feel miles better soon. I hope the thread helped you some, and you were able to take what helped and leave the rest. Mumsnet can be a wonderful source of support and I hope you won't be put off completely by this. Good luck.

What are the anti-depressants going to do about how your partner treats you and the baby?

Poodles, you sound as if you are doing all the right things, talking to GP etc. Please do ignore those that are blaming you and telling you that your DP is abusive.

You know that there are some problems, but thats why you're here and I do believe from what you've said that you and your DP will get through this. Hopefully your DP will feel more and more like a father and things will start to fall into place soon.

In the meantime, do make it clear to him that you both need to support each other, and that caring for a newborn is a full time job, housework is not a priority.