Partner doesn't like baby

[ipukepoodles]

Hi,
I've come here as a last resort as i really don't know what to do anymore!
I have a 5 week old boy who i love to bits and actually think is really well behaved for a baby, however, my partner thinks differently. Whenever he cries he calls him a 'whinging bastard' and won't pick him up, he says he feels like he isn't a dad and says he resents him as we argue quite a bit now. Thing is, when i was pregnant he was pretty good (okay so not the most enthuastic person about it but towards the end he was) He's not a bad person at all and been a really good boy friend but suddenly he's changed. If our baby is crying and there's something he wants to watch on tv he wants to put him in the other room and 'let him cry it out' iv'e tried explaining that he's too young to be left but he won't have any of it so i have to go and sit in the other room too.
Is any of this normal? What can i do to try and get him to form a relationship with his son? I'm really trying but not getting anywhere and then i end up cross and upset and say things like you dont do anything, your shit. But i know this is only going to make things worse but i'm desperate! :(

I had a long labour and know that he actually found the labour really hard and nearly fainted - could he resent him because he just remembers the labour? Also he spent 6 days in neonatal unit. This baby wasn't planned but it was him that convinced me to keep him (not that i regret it at all!) He expects me to do all the cleaning of the flat whilst he is at work too and argues with me if it's not tidy enough! He's actually a really great guy (although i've painted this picture of him, he is loving towards me and other than this we rarely argue!) but i'm at my wits end now!

What are your DP's parents like? What example does he have in his head of a dad's role?

Kick him out now.

A man that can call his own child a "whinging bastard" is not Father of the Year material.

He may well be stressed, he may well be over tired. So tell Him to leave until he gets himself into a better state of equilibrium.

I wouldn't want him around my baby.

You know if he's enjoying him when you're out if he does hold him, I wouldn't worry too much. He's obviously proud if he's taking photos.
Just tell him when he calls the baby names that its unnecessary and hurtfull. (and its better to get out of the habbit of using bad language now than waiting until the baby starts to copy him)
It will get better, babies at this age while utterly absorbing to us are a little demanding and dull!

I think the only thing that is a big no-no is the swearing at him, the rest all sounds quite normal (and actually nice) to me. He holds him, changes, feeds him, will rock him, takes photos and fills in his baby book. You say he is kind to you. It is a really hard phase this bit, for everybody. Babies do tend to be soothed quickest by their mums and if you are insecure and a bit resentful that can be alienating. I would try to keep time for you and him in the calendar, talk to your friends and be firm about what's not ok (the swearing) and if he does things his way (in a way that is safe obv!) but not exactly your way - try not to criticise, don't make yourself the only person that can do things for your son iyswim?

The first year can be a nightmare, really. I always think the first birthday party should be entirely for the parents for having survived it!

"He thinks he can't do it and that because sometimes he crys and carrys on crying even if P has got him but when i pick him up he stops."

Yep, that's what I'm talking about! My DH felt exactly the same and I just made sure that they had plenty of time together and made bathtimes their special time - job done - now she will often only sleep for DH at bedtime!

Although you say he's not interested, he is showing some interest re baby book, carrying/rocking him while out etc - so I don't think it's a lost cause!

I'm with MsBoogie on this one for the moment, unless there is more bad stuff in the background we don't know about. He does need to stop saying these things to your DS though, babies pick up on things quite quickly and it's best to get out of the habit now.

I'm not breast feeding so he does do some of the feeds - he does one before he goes to work so i can carry on sleeping for a bit. He says he understands that crying is his only form of communication but he just cant stand it, i say that i don't like it when he cry's but i have to get used to it because i HAVE to, and so do you, but he just won't.
He's really close to his mum but not to his dad, he's only just started getting on with his dad in the past year or so, his dad wasn't much of a dad either and he says to me i'm worried i'll turn out like that, it's my biggest fear.

He sounds awful I feel really sorry for you actually. I am not sure there is much a man who calls a newborn insults because he cries can absorb about good parenting.

It's really hard but it's hard on both of you - a crying baby is exhausting. And swearing is unacceptable.

I think the bit about the flat not being tidy is also really not on. He seems to have totally unrealistic expectations of both you and the baby :(

When we are out, he is really proud and loves showing him off and would never call hm anything bad - he has called him a whinging bastard 3 times at home.
A couple of times iv'e walked in and he's beeing hugging him but it's rare, it's more when we are out.
Theres nothing else in the background tbh, other then this, we get on really well.

It's early days really - I'm sure his love will grow and grow. Maybe he finds the crying less oppressive when he's out with him - I know I did with mine. I was always marching off with them and for some reason it just sounded so much less shrieky in the open air.

He's doing it for SHOW Poodles!!!

He knows behind closed doors he can do what he likes, you are not even 2m in and he's being as bad as this...

What's it going to be like when DS is teething?

If he is being U about cleaning etc, believe me this is the start of a long slippery slope... one that you are NOT going to enjoy...

Whoever said that you may get depressed again was right. Sort him out now, so you don't lose any more of yourself.

Do it for your son.

ipuke - just because his dad was crap, doesn't mean he has to be. My dad was abandoned by his parents at the age of 4 but he was always lovely to us (and my mum). DH's father wasn't much of a father either, but it made my DH more determined to have a happy family of his own and not make the same mistakes. I know it's not that simple, and old wounds go deep, etc, etc, but he can be the kind of dad he wants to be. As an adult he is in control of his behaviour, nobody else.

BTW I find it quite encouraging to hear that he tells you he doesn't want to turn out like his dad - makes me think maybe he needs a bit of help too and isn't just a useless arse??

TBH i dont think he's just doing it for show, yes, i think when he's out he wants to show people to be the perfect dad but at the same time, i know he doesn't want to feel the way he does, he says he doesn't feel like a dad and i said i can't believe you just said that and he said well how do you think i feel, i feel useless. I think he does need help, so tonight when he gets back from work i'm going to talk to him. I'll give him the ultimateium, either get help or we'll leave. Our son is no.1 priority and either he starts realising it or we'll have to go. I;m not going to be horrible about it - we had a huge arguement last night about everything so now i'm just going to say it. He says his love with grow and grow, he 'likes' him when he's not crying but when he is, he just can't handle it!

Oh dear, this is horrible.

Firstly, does he have any friends with babies? It might really help for him to see that your baby is quite normal. A weekend away with another family would be great.

I agree with the poster who said to designate him tasks. My DH does the bath for DD, they both love it (it took a while for him to get over his fear of her being so tiny, she was born at 4lb). I'm sure that has really helped them to bond.

You really do need to look out for the two people that really matter here. I know you don't want people telling you how crap he is, but please make sure that your baby and you are your priorities. He needs to either grow up and step up to the mark, or leave you to it.

Making comments about the tidiness of the house is just not on. You need to make it clear that having a tiny baby is a job in itself, and if he wants a tidy house he can either do it himself or get a cleaner.

Did he take paternity leave? Would it be possible for him to take a little time off to spend with the two of you?

I know it takes courage, but I think you really need to insist on changes. No swearing at the baby, ever. Counselling if he still feels the same would be really useful. More involvement with the baby. Less expectations of you. If he doesn't manage these changes, I'm afraid it really is time to reassess the relationship.

Good luck. :)

Lovely post, loopy

And ipuke - great post! Well done you, best of luck tonight I hope it goes well x

He does not sound that awful, not from what Ipukepoodles is telling us. Not so awful that he should be kicked out!

Honestly guys! This is a new mum, and a new dad who struggles we are talking about!

How is telling her to kick the father of her baby out right now going to help them?

To me this seems like something that can be resolved.

The wingeing bastard comments must stop. The I cant deal with crying must also stop.

It is just hard getting there.

He changes his nappy, he does feed him, and he holds and cuddles him, it is not that bad.

But, having seen Ipukes last post, DO talk to him.

I agree that people are over reacting to the behaviour of OPs partner. I dont think he's up for Dad of the Year, but I dont think I was up for Mum of the Year when DC1 was 5 weeks old either. I was tired, frustrated and a pretty lonely too.

Op,I would suggest that if DP doesnt want to deal with the crying that you have to make your decision. Do you want to push the issue, and take a step back so he has to deal with it. Or, do you want to calm the baby while DP does his bit to support you by doing the cooking, washing, cleaning, making you lots of cups of tea etc. It is hard to calm a screaming baby, and failing at it constantly while you succeed is probably demoralising for your DP.

I breastfed so when ex was here he would say there was nothing he could do to help. So, eventually I made a list of all the helpful things that he could do for our family other than feed the baby.

Like Ginger, ex-DH always did bathtime, and also did winding and settling after a feed whenever he was at home. At weekends he took DS for an walk in the mornings for about an hour so I could have a lay in, and then another in the afternoon so I could get my feet up for an hour. Ex wasnt around much for the baby stage with my youngest DC and I realised how much he did.

If he enjoys the baby book and taking photos then try to build on this. For example, has your son been to the local woods or farm? Could you and DP take him and DP be photographer for the day, so he can capture these family moments for your DS book. My DC always loved going to the woods and spent ages looking at the light coming through the trees.

Dont give up on hiim, but also dont give up on trying to improve the situation. It will get better.

I have a book by Relate called Babyshock. If you send me your address by the message system up there ^^ I will happily post it to you

I'm with MsBoogie too, in my experience this sort of behaviour is on the normal spectrum - yes it's not what we hope for, but what you describe wasn't a million miles away from some of my partner's reactions when our babies were tiny and we were both pretty overwhelmed with it all. I wouldn't want to judge one way or the other as to whether your boyfriend is 'good' or 'bad' on the basis of a few paragraphs of description, but I don't think what you described is in itself enough to damn him. My partner is now fantastic with both kids and in fact is now full-time child-care person while I work, but the reality of life with a newborn was very hard and neither of us coped with it very well at the time. We also had a difficult experience with labour first time round which I recovered from more quickly than he did.

So you are not alone; it's incredibly hard for you and I feel for you, it's so far away from what we dream life is going to be like. It just sounds like you could both do with a bit more support, if you have any helpful family / friends / HV / GP to talk to I would.

I think people are being so cross with this man that they are letting it cloud their judgement and advice. Particularly, I'm struck by the difference between the anger expressed towards him and the sympathy I've seen expressed towards women who've posted about the equally horrid things they've said and felt towards their babies when they've had PND.

My suggestions:

1. I think you should ask him about how he's doing. He needs to explore why he's cross and reflect on it before he can decide to change. But he can decide to change, with your help. I know that it's an extra burden for you, but you obviously like him, and he's obviously going through a tough time.
2. I think you should get some external support for yourself. Someone in RL to talk this over with.
3. If crying is a specific trigger point, I'd get a copy of "When your baby cries" by Deborah Jackson and see if you can get him to read it. It's very practial, so it may appeal to that side of his nature.
4. I think at some point, you need to introduce him to the idea that the baby does not do anything for psychological reasons for the first few weeks and months. My SIL was always calling her daughter a "little madam" when she cried in the first few weeks. But babies only typically cry for very basic reasons at the start: hunger/thirst, discomfort/pain, lack of human touch, etc. They don't deliberately throw tantrums to wind you up. That comes later...

I think he had expectations, i had expectations and neither of them are what actually has happened. If i ask him to do something, he will do it, but not off his own back. He argued with me yesterday because the flat wasn't tidy enough, Baby was crying all day and has colic but he didn't even think about that, it was that i'd left the pushchair in the way of the door and that he 'had to tidy up as soon as he came home' meaning he had to move the pushchair. Before he'd never have said anything like that, i think he feels like he's failing and by me getting cross and saying 'your rubbish, you don't do anything' isn't helping! I sometimes wonder if i'm the problem, but when i went out one night with my friends, i came home and baby was in the living room in his basket because he had been crying and partner wanted to go to sleep so left him in there. I was so cross and upset as i thought it would be a prefect time to bond :(

poodles I can actually identify with what your partner is feeling to some extent. I absolutely LOATHED the newborn days. I couldn't cope with the constant crying at night. I would end up going to pieces after a couple of hours. I couldn't face leaving DS to 'cry it out' but I couldn't seem to soothe him either. I felt useless and the crying would build this immense frustration in me that I couldn't vent in any way. I would end up moaning 'for GOd's sake just STOP, just stop crying, shut up' I'm not proud of it at all. I feel hugely ashamed of it, but I just COULDN'T COPE when DS did his 3 hour screaming his head off stints in the early hours.

I do adore him. My bond with him has grown so much. WHen he was tiny only DP could get him to go to sleep. I just didn't seem to have the patience DP did with him. Now, I am the one that gets him to sleep every night, and if DP tries he plays up massively.

Do have a talk with him. The name calling needs to stop, but I don't think that any of this NECESSARILY means he's not going to bond with his son.

PS sometimes I still lose it a bit. Only this morning I ended up sobbing hysterically because I couldn't get DS to stop crying.

This sentence of yours sounds like a great way to open up a more reflective conversation with him:
"I think he had expectations, i had expectations and neither of them are what actually has happened."

He needs to articulate how he feels and then agree with you how you can make things better for you all. Not a conversation about blame, a conversation about understanding trigger points and agreeing what to do, about how you can help each other, about how he might find ways to enjoy being with his DS etc etc