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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Partner doesn't like baby

228 replies

ipukepoodles · 29/09/2010 13:09

Hi,
I've come here as a last resort as i really don't know what to do anymore!
I have a 5 week old boy who i love to bits and actually think is really well behaved for a baby, however, my partner thinks differently. Whenever he cries he calls him a 'whinging bastard' and won't pick him up, he says he feels like he isn't a dad and says he resents him as we argue quite a bit now. Thing is, when i was pregnant he was pretty good (okay so not the most enthuastic person about it but towards the end he was) He's not a bad person at all and been a really good boy friend but suddenly he's changed. If our baby is crying and there's something he wants to watch on tv he wants to put him in the other room and 'let him cry it out' iv'e tried explaining that he's too young to be left but he won't have any of it so i have to go and sit in the other room too.
Is any of this normal? What can i do to try and get him to form a relationship with his son? I'm really trying but not getting anywhere and then i end up cross and upset and say things like you dont do anything, your shit. But i know this is only going to make things worse but i'm desperate! :(

I had a long labour and know that he actually found the labour really hard and nearly fainted - could he resent him because he just remembers the labour? Also he spent 6 days in neonatal unit. This baby wasn't planned but it was him that convinced me to keep him (not that i regret it at all!) He expects me to do all the cleaning of the flat whilst he is at work too and argues with me if it's not tidy enough! He's actually a really great guy (although i've painted this picture of him, he is loving towards me and other than this we rarely argue!) but i'm at my wits end now!

OP posts:
Aminata100 · 29/09/2010 19:21

Dad is the whinging bastard, actually!

You have found yourself with two babies, time to decide what you want

He will always have an excuse to whinge, the terrible 2,s, teenage years, etc

He needs to grow up, but that is not your call, you have a baby now!

How sad to read he doesn't really love you!
You have written it like he did you a favour! Shock

If you are prone to depression, please go and see a counsellor! Having a baby in your life, you owe it to both of you to make a better life for him and you! This man will only bring you back down!

You deserve SO MUCH BETTER!

slhilly · 29/09/2010 19:23

LadyBiscuit, earplugs will not stop him hearing the noise, they will simply cut out some of the pitches that he may find difficult to cope with. You will find plenty of posts on MN and advice elsewhere to mothers who are struggling to cope with the noise of crying babies to use methods to partially drown out the sound of crying.

I say again, people are rushing to judgement. He may be being crap or he may be depressed.

Alouiseg · 29/09/2010 19:25

If you have the chat tonight and he kicks off, verbally or otherwise, call the police. Call Womens Aid, stand your ground.

Aminata100 · 29/09/2010 19:30

Giving him earplugs is like saying Yes you are right! Angry when he should be taking care of you and his son, after such a difficult labour! (He fainted? oh give me a break!!)

I cannot understand women who say this is rushing to jugdement, and making excuses for horrendous behaviour! Confused

PosieParker · 29/09/2010 19:31

Most men who find it hard to adjust usually just go out too much or are inconsiderate, but not abusive. And I know you've asked people to be supportive and not slag your OH off, it's a bridge too far. This is not normal, not by a long shot and this you have to know.

PosieParker · 29/09/2010 19:33

And putting a five week old to cry it out is tantamount to cruelty, NEVER EVER leave this child alone with this man.

LadyBiscuit · 29/09/2010 19:39

Well if he wants earplugs, he can fucking go and buy them himself. He's not a child and why should she be running around after him when her baby is five weeks old ?

It's not just the noise - it's the complaining that the pram is blocking the hall, that she's a whinging lazy bastard and that she isn't keeping the house tidy enough.

And however bad the crying gets, you don't just leave a newborn alone in a room and go to sleep. That's appalling.

girliefriend · 29/09/2010 19:41

hello, maybe you could find a sure start centre near by that does some dads type groups that he could take your son to? It might make him feel bit more involved, I have a feeling (although ive been a single parent since dd was born so don't have any 1st hand experience!) that quite a lot of dads feel resentful and jealous of all the attention a newborn gets, are you getting him involved with nappies, feeds (if appropriate!) etc. I would look out for something that your son and his dad could do together whether it be baby massage, baby swimming or some other baby class!!! Agree with other posts that his behaviour so far has been rubbish but your baby is only 5 wks so it might be a bit quick to write him off yet!

grapeandlemon · 29/09/2010 19:41

hmmm the "buy him some earplugs" suggestion

ffs Hmm

girliefriend · 29/09/2010 19:44

Oh didn't realise this thread had 6 pages! Only read the 1st page so if he has been showing more of his lovely Hmm personality ignore the above and leave for your sanity and your sons wellbeing!

BrightLightBrightLight · 29/09/2010 21:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyBiscuit · 29/09/2010 21:08

BrightLight - if this were a thread just saying that her partner had a problem with the crying, that's good advice. In the context of all the other stuff she's posted, I think it's inappropriate. This is a lot more than just a 'can't cope with the crying' issue.

BrightLightBrightLight · 29/09/2010 21:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

LadyBiscuit · 29/09/2010 21:15

I didn't see those posts, Sorry, thread was moving v fast for a while there.

slhilly · 29/09/2010 22:00

Aminata, if you can't understand why I said what I said, why don't you go read some of the posts from women who have PND and see the kind of support they get. They describe walking out on the baby, swearing, refusing to do anything to help around the house, bursts of anger, being inconsiderate of their partners, etc etc. These horrible behaviours are frequently present in depression. He may be depressed, he may not be evil and abusive. (He may also be both or neither, too). These are all possibilities, you know.

And I frankly think it's important to listen to all of what the OP has had to say, not the bits that fit with our own views. She has said he has done horrible things and she has said this is out of character. You may choose to say this is his true character coming out and implicitly therefore say she is deluding herself, and you might even be right, but you do not know.

PosieParker · 30/09/2010 07:32

I really hope you're getting help OP.

Original poster
ipukepoodles · 30/09/2010 10:41

We spoke last night, it went well, it started as 'what makes you most upset in our relationship?' so i told him he's unsupportive towards me, he doesn't help out enough with baby, i'm lonely and that i can't deal with his behaviour. He went silent then said, i know i haven't been supportive and i'm sorry. My behaviour is unaccceptable and i will do more. (although when he got home last night he went over to baby, picked him up, changed him, fed him and when i came back from having a shower he was on the floor playing with him and then went and made dinner - none of this was asked for by me which may not seem a lot to most people but when he's done very little for 5 weeks, it's a huge improvement)
Then last night, i said to him what makes you most unhappy in our relationship, he said it's not us that makes me unhappy, it's me thats making me unhappy, i don't feel any different now that baby is here, i should fee differently but i don't and i want to. Everyone says you feel overwhelmed etc but i just don't. I feel like a shit dad because i don't feel the way i should. Then we spoke about depression. (earlier that night i'd had one of my 'moments' that i seem to have a lot! which involves me crying for around an hour and basically going into meltdown and not being able to do anything) he said to me i think you'd cry a lot less if i wasn't here and i think you might have PND, i explained why i cry so much and he asked what he could do to me more supportive so i told him a number of things from just a hug sometimes to picking baby up when he's crying and generally helping me around the flat. I'll soon find out if anything went it at all.

OP posts:
msboogie · 30/09/2010 10:54

I'm glad you had a talk with him. I think if your HV is an ok sort of person you should be a bit more open with her now. Both of you.

Maybe you do have a touch of pnd. Just because your DP has been in the wrong and behaved not very well doesn't mean he is wrong about that too.

Loads and loads of women, when they are being honest, will tell yu that they didn't feel that overwhelming rush of love after giving birth. Not everyone does. There's nothing wrong with falling in love with your child bit by bit over the course of the first few months. He will find this out. When the baby starts doing things like smiling and playing he will become more engaged with him.

Tell the hv that you are both struggling a bit. There is no shame in it. It would be odd if you didn't struggle. The thing that marks you out as good parents will be that you are willing to work at any problems rather than burying things and being miserable.

DaisyDaresYOU · 30/09/2010 11:11

Oh ffs iv been sleep deprived with dd for 2years iv never called her a whinging bastard.babies are whingy thats what babies do.Instead of putting you bab in another room,i think you should put your dp in there instead and let him sulk.

LadyBiscuit · 30/09/2010 11:16

That sounds really positive poodles. I think it is worth talking to the HV as msboogie says. If either/both of you are struggling to cope, there is help and support to get you through it so please use it.

Good luck

msboogie · 30/09/2010 11:20

I have been sleep deprived for 2 years as well and have never called my DS a whinging bastard and I would be very unimpressed if my DP did, it's not good BUT it's not the end of the bloody world. Crying babies make people angry and frustrated. It is possible that and OP and or the DP are a bit depressed.

What he said is horrible but there is no reason to think he is inherently a bad bloke.

They need constructive advice, especially from the HV.

DaisyDaresYOU · 30/09/2010 11:28

Maybe they do,but it doesn't make what he said right,there's no exuse for it.I know what depression is,had it with ds.Didn't feel that overwhelming love,but cared for him the best i could,and never called him names.I know theres dif types of depression,but it upsets me when people are like this with babies that have no control.Can't help it really

msboogie · 30/09/2010 11:31

no there's no excuse for it but what is important now is that they work together and get help to make things better.

DaisyDaresYOU · 30/09/2010 11:32

I prob am being ott.so sorry if offended anyone

kellimay · 30/09/2010 11:32

Im sorry to say, but IMHO i dont think he'll change. I was in a similar situation, had my dd, at first he was great...the first 2 weeks that is before the novelty wore off & reality set in. He never got up to her, changed her, fed her played with her etc etc, in the pub from finishing work till close & all day weekends...i was to do everything, clean, look after our dd, cook & have meals ready for when he finally decided to come home, he'd shout at me tell me i was disgusting, fat & i should be ashamed that i looked the way i did...i out on 3 stone during pregnancy...and he'd shout if he didnt think the house was tidy enough. So anyway, got caught out & fell pregnant again pretty soon after having my dd....nine months on nothing changed, it got worse, had my ds, oh....after giving birth to my ds, 1 & 1/2 hours...he fucked off to the pub, for three hrs....anyway, 15 month old dd nb ds, he'd turn the tv up so not to hear their toys, would shun cuddles from dd, shout at ds for making too much noise...always coming in so drunk he would either a) collapse on the floor b) collapse on the sofa or c)fall on one of them....dd would try to play with him whilst comatosed on the floor...He was soooo pissed one sunday in july that when i returned from seeing family, ds was crying...he said ' son...if you dont shut the fuck up, ill throw you out that fucking window or kill you with my bare hands' I left the same day. You need to do what is right for you & your baby and you will only do it when you are ready, i learnt that the hard way..........