Partner doesn't like baby

[ipukepoodles]

Hi,
I've come here as a last resort as i really don't know what to do anymore!
I have a 5 week old boy who i love to bits and actually think is really well behaved for a baby, however, my partner thinks differently. Whenever he cries he calls him a 'whinging bastard' and won't pick him up, he says he feels like he isn't a dad and says he resents him as we argue quite a bit now. Thing is, when i was pregnant he was pretty good (okay so not the most enthuastic person about it but towards the end he was) He's not a bad person at all and been a really good boy friend but suddenly he's changed. If our baby is crying and there's something he wants to watch on tv he wants to put him in the other room and 'let him cry it out' iv'e tried explaining that he's too young to be left but he won't have any of it so i have to go and sit in the other room too.
Is any of this normal? What can i do to try and get him to form a relationship with his son? I'm really trying but not getting anywhere and then i end up cross and upset and say things like you dont do anything, your shit. But i know this is only going to make things worse but i'm desperate! :(

I had a long labour and know that he actually found the labour really hard and nearly fainted - could he resent him because he just remembers the labour? Also he spent 6 days in neonatal unit. This baby wasn't planned but it was him that convinced me to keep him (not that i regret it at all!) He expects me to do all the cleaning of the flat whilst he is at work too and argues with me if it's not tidy enough! He's actually a really great guy (although i've painted this picture of him, he is loving towards me and other than this we rarely argue!) but i'm at my wits end now!

Just call Womensaid and see what they say. Tell them what you said on here, that he calls you and your baby names, hates pets then inexplicably out of nowhere starts loving them etc.

err I hate our cat. I had great expectations when we got him; took photos, bought him toys, but he decided he didn't like me and fawned all over DP. Then he riddled the house with fleas when DS was a newborn and we were too knackered to remember to deflea him. So I never bother with him and only feed him if there is no one else to do it and regulary make comments about wishing he would just feck off.

Doesn't mean I would engage in child cruelty...

msboogie - it makes you sound very odd and not very nice though

"He is very good at swaddling him and very good at settling him in the evening, but he doesn't tend to do it anymore."

anymore? ANYMORE... it's been 5 weeks FFS.

What a total waste of space.

If my DP ever called me a "whinging, lazy bastard" I'd swing for him. For your DP to say that to you five weeks after giving birth is despicable.

His behaviour is not normal. "Most men" do not feel the way he does. My DP and I went through hell together when I was pregnant (unplanned baby, depression etc) but he never once stopped so low, and once he bonded with DS after he was born he became a great father.

You need to stop thinking that because he'll feed and wind your baby that he's a good dad. Feeding is the very least a father should do.

I know I'm coming over as angry and aggressive, and it's not directed at you ipukepoodles, but at your DP's disgusting behaviour. Once again - his behaviour is not normal and not worth sticking with just because he'll feed/wind your son.

As is the case in other posts of this nature, could I offer the following observations:

1. It is impossible to judge others relationships from internet postings. We only know the OPs side. There is nothing amiss with this, but it doesn't give the full picture.

2. That said, the following issues are red flags: swearing at newborn baby, swearing at postnatal mother, fury at tidiness of home (or perceived lack thereof), failure to accept responsibility for his reactions (saying things like everyone feels like this etc), angry reaction to display of partners emotions (he gets cross when I get upset).

3. I refer to point 1 again, as a baby's arrival can act as a catalyst for behaviour which was already being displayed before the birth but was very likely being glossed over by the OP (classic quote somewhere in previous post about "he will change")

Babies are hard work and stressful on relationships at the best of times. If there are underlying issues (and who among us doesn't have those?) then a baby can be the tipping point to make or break the situation.
I don't know what the solution is for the OP, but I would love if she would update us on the outcome of the conversation she intends to have tonight. That may help her decide how things will go going forward.

notalways, nah I'm hardly odd at all and dead nice really. Just not very fond of that flea bag cat, is all.

My OH is wonderful. He is a fantastic hands on dad. He is just bloody great in everyway.

But he wasnt always like that. We have 5 DCs.

He left me both times I was pg with DC1&2.
He denied he ever wanted them. When pg with DC2 he said he would see DC1 but probably 'wouldnt bother' with DC2 when he was born.

He would disappear if either were in hosptial. He was terrible.
But he NEVER EVER called them names or was unkind infront of them or resented 'them'

He resented having kids generally. He thought it was the end of this great imaginary life he was about to embark on Babies dont always appeal to men because they dont carry them and give birth to them and they seem very boring for very little gain. All pros and no cons IYSWIM.
OH was a bit younger than the OP's OH when we had the first two.

Years of ups and downs later he began to change.
But I think largely because I would not put up with the crap. I let him be involved but I wouldnt allow childish behaviour. its hard to explain and I probably put up with more than I shouldve but we were very young and I wanted the kids to have a dad.

We have been together 20 years now. Have been through the births of 4 DCs, the adoption of 1, the death of our DD and several other bereavements. We are currently dealing with our eldest DS behaving in the most hurtful way. OH has really come into his own with that thank God.

Your OH shouldnt say those things about your baby. I hope he really doesnt mean them. He may mean he doesnt like this new life much and cant think of how else to express it.
If he seems unsafe with the baby or you that is very different and he has to go.

But if he is acting like a spoilt, jealous child, that is crap but it can change with time. He is still young. BUT you have to be assertive and tell him what you will and will not put up with.

I do feel for you. I wanted all the love and niceness of a caring partner when I had my DCs. I DID get that but it took a long time.

Congratulations on your new baby.

mrsboogie I want to know if he was actually cruel to the pets. If so then it would give signals as to both his state of mind and the ability of the OP to protect those she is responsible for.

ok so he sounds immature, and scared of bonding so is turning everything into a negative response as he's scared. but remember the op had 9 months of pregnancy to bond with the baby, she grew it. to him, it was a bump then it arrived and was a ball of screamy neediness.
I think a lot of blokes do find it hard and he sounds like he's trying to pretend it isn't there. a bit like sticking his fingers in his ears and going lalalalalalalala i can't hear you. only less helpful and more hurtful.
yes op needs to tell him crying it out is not ok at this age and encourage things he can do to bond but i think his response is due to hm being terrified of responsibility and not knowing how to deal with it without hitting out (verbally that is). tiny babies are needy, end of. lets hope with some help he can find better more helpful path to settling into family life.

Some of my posts have come across a bit harsh. Um, I've been in a relationship with name calling etc, and I'm not part of the "leave him" brigade, but, you need to examine whether he's a possible danger. Has he ever broken anything in temper? Does he switch suddenly? Why do you think he loves the cats now, is it part of some game he's playing, like he wants to come across differently? When he's angry do you feel confident enough to have a go back or does something stop you? Look at the evidence and weigh it up for yourself. If I'm wrong that's cool, but it's better to think things through properly

If he speaks like that, 5 weeks postpartum especially when you are tired, hormonal and vulnerable, to you or to the baby, you'd be very justified in telling him "get out" and to only return when he felt like he could be a decent human being. How dare he. Am angry and indignant on your behalf, and it would be good if you got angry and indignant on your own behalf too.

Crying babies can push a lot of buttons, their cries are designed to do that. DS is 11 weeks and the house is a pit, we're having takeaway for tea as he's been awake and glued to my side nearly all day. It's a phase, it'll pass but that's just how it is at the moment. DH lives with it, so too should your dp.

Actually it is normal for 60% guys. Most men don't bond with children the same way the mother does. 1 in 5 get full blown depression and 1/10 want a divorce.

Thinking about it is idealistic and once the reality and disruption to your lives come so does an intense realisation that life will never be the same.

He is trying to get back to some degree of normality which is impossible. You say he was prepared for the 'reality'. But most people don't imagine just how full on this is. 90% of your conversations will be about the child. Like a lot of people they think they can manage.

When it comes to child care most women do the majority and have to balance their man's moods as well. There is nothing you can do to change him. If you try you will make it worse. Back off and try to minimise the situation and maybe he'll come around.

If he doesn't then you need to accept it or ask him to leave.

s

Your posts are getting more alarming to be frank. I am really not one of the "leave him" type but hell this would be ringing alarm bells for me.

Remember you are the one who gave birth 5 wks ago, your first baby - a huge toll for a Woman's body and mind. Swearing at you about cleaning up? Swearing at a newborn over crying? He sounds like an immature boy who will get worse as time goes on.

I feel so sorry for you, you probably had no idea he would be like this at a time when you need support and kindness.

SerenityX "When it comes to child care most women do the majority and have to balance their man's moods as well."

I'm not sure if I understand this part of your post Serenity, but I for one will never accept that a woman's role is to balance anyone else's moods. The word "balance" to me implies a level of tiptoeing and appeasement to someone else's foibles which will never lead to a sustainable and healthy relationship between 2 adults. Especially in the OPs case, where those delightful foibles include swearing, rages and sulks.

Fair enough if the foible was shoe shopping, a certain amount of leeway could be given there. But otherwise, no.

he's being a complete shit.

You don't want to admit it/see it because you are very vulnerable and don't want to be vulnerable and alone.

he's loving towards you because you're compliant.

When you stop being compliant he's start verbally abusing you as well as your child, who, by the way, is already being abused.

If your HV knew how your 'partner' behaved towards your baby, she'd call a social worker - fact.

Chew on that,.

I would call Womensaid and see if this pattern of behaviour is something far more sinister. I'm not going to say horrid things about your OH, but if you have no fears about him womensaid won't mind you using them as a sounding board, they won't judge you either.

Can't read whole thread so someone else might have come up with this. He could just be being a selfish git (can you look back on past behaviour, indicators of selfishness etc). Or he might have post natal depression (Dad's get it too - there is hormonal stuff going on for them) or something linked to his childhood. In that case he needs help really quickly for everyone's sake in case he becomes dangerous. I am not saying he will but it would be better to talk to your GP and HV (I hope they are sympathetic) and have a look for PND stuff about Dads. I would enlist some family help. Don't leave it up to him to get help. Whatever the root cause, he does need help or to be shown the door. Good luck and unMN hugs x

This sounds like the thin end of a very unpleasant wedge.

If ANYONE called my 5 week old baby a whinging bastard and insisted they were left to cry in another room I would have had their guts for garters!!!!

This is so far from normal it's ridiculous, it sounds like the back story of a serious abuse case.

You're a Mother now op and your priority is your baby, not some immature, irresponsible, abusive tosser who feels a bit pushed out by a little baby.

Get rid of him.

I am just going to keep posting Women's aid 0808 2000 247

Poor you :-( You are tired too and need to be taken care of. My DH was the same with DC1. In those first few weeks, DH always wondered what I "had been doing" all day if supper was not ready and the house immaculate. He also could not understand why I could not just leave the baby to cry. Perhaps that is a man thing?

Having said that, many men just do not understand that labour is not a breeze, that is does take its toll and that tending for a newborn is exhausting. Early on, I didn't leave my DH because I did not trust him with the baby. The thought of him having her for every other weekend sole charge was something I couldn't bear as he did not seem to feel the same caring instinct as I did. Probably I was wrong but one never leaves those things to chance.

I don't know what you do about it apart from try to have an honest discussion: tell your partner that new mothers used to have 10 days in hospital for a reason and that you need support and unconditional love, not criticism. Of course, he may just think that you are whingeing which will leave you back at square one.

Sigh, my DH has turned out not to be THAT crap a father but I wish that I had flagged up a lot earlier how hard I was finding it. I felt that I was failing but in fact I was normal and doing it all alone is tough. He gained a small insight when I had to work on Saturday mornings and he had sole care for that time (3 hours). He lasted 1 week and then we hired a Saturday nanny.

Sorry that I have no answers but I do feel for you and wish you well.

I hope your talk goes well tonight poodles but remember we are all here for you if it doesn't. You and your new son don't deserve this, however hard he finds it. And frankly any man who had gone to bed and left my baby alone and crying in the living room so he could get some sleep would have been out the door that night.

Cannot believe someone suggested you buy him earplugs. It's his baby too fgs