Help me leave H right now.

[RespectTheDoughnut]

I tried yet a-fucking-gain & now there's more porn. I need to get out of here now, before he gets home from work. DS is asleep. What do I need to pack? I'll go to my parents' until he finds somewhere new to live. Help me sort out the practical things please. Sorry I didn't listen to you all before. Total waste of my time & everyone else's.

Ok, how old is DS (I'm assuming if he's napping, too young to carry a suitcase?), and how long have you got before he's home from work? Do you have a car? Sorry for all the Qs.

Yes, he's 17 months. I don't drive yet, but I'm learning. Mostly because I was scared of this. I'm trying to get my dad to pick me up if I can, but I think he's at work (shifts which I've lost track of since not living there) from the lack of answer. 2 hours car drive away, about an hour on the train. I can do the train but it's limiting, obviously. He finishes work at 5 but he knows that I've found more porn, so I can make him stay out longer if I have to, but I'd really rather just be gone.

Have you asked him to leave?

I've told him to look for somewhere else to live, yes. He started working last month so for the first time it's vaguely viable anyway. Sort of. But yes, he knows he has to go. I just don't want to see him. I can't see him. Especially not now, in front of DS.

I'm sorry, I dont know your circumstances or whats been building, but i do understand your need to get away.

I wonder if there are any legal implications to you leaving the marital home, such as him being able to change locks or whatever. I hope not, does anyone know?

Lots of things. He just doesn't respect me at all. & the porn is instead of sex. & he has criticised the way I look because of the porn. Like 3 weeks after DS was born, I should've been making more of an effort to dress up for him & get out of my pyjamas. It'd be good if I could lose some weight (I'm a 12 at my heaviest) and so on. He's nasty & aggressive to me. He lies & lies & lies until the evidence is right in his face. The porn came to light at the beginning of Feb. This is the 4th or 5th time I've caught him. He swore on DS's life that he wasn't doing anything the 2nd time & it was a virus. Including a picture of someone we know. Etc. Many problems. The porn is perhaps the core.

cant you give him 30mins or an hour when he gets home to get his stuff and go? while you are out at that time? or tell him he will find a packed bag on the front steps and not to come in but leave the keys.

then arrange a more mutually convenient time for him to collect the rest of his stuff?

i dont see why you should be the one to have to go.

grab together all your birth certificates, driving licence, passport, bank statements, all your bank cards, 5 days's clothes for you and your Ds, nappies.

Book a taxi to the train station and get on the train.

Personally, I don't know your situation but if all this is over porn, you have reacted rather too strongly. Your son's likely to miss his dad.

Just a quick question, but why do YOU need to leave?

Can't you pack him a suitcase and tell him to leave?

I have always been under the impression that a solicitor will tell you not to leave the house if you can, stay in and keep your immediate rights to it. if you see what I mean.

Surely less disruptive for you and DC if you tell him to go to HIS parents?

He works up here, I'd be 2 hours away & have no commitments until next month if I get back into uni (awaiting resit results because all of this / his lack of general support made me fail exams). It's easier if I go until he finds another base. I don't think he'd change the locks. & if he did it's rented anyway. I'd just find somewhere new.

colditz, it's more than that. I've posted here before under this name & others. The advice has generally been to leave before, but I've tried & tried & tried. This is just the final straw. I can't keep giving chances.

& I know that DS is going to miss him. I understand that & it kills me. That's why I've tried so hard.

Please call the CAB to ask what the implications of you leaving the marital home are. I understand you just want to get away, but like BBM I think it is better if you stay.

And I completely disagree that you have reacted too strongly to your H's porn use.

Do not leave your house.

Call a repair guy and change the locks.

TXT ex and tell him he can no longer live in the house.

Call a solistor if you are married.

Is the house rented or do you have a mortage?

If you are married but not on the mortage you need to have a form filled out and sent to the land register office to say you are a wife in sitting eg your not moving out untill your youngest child is 18 years old.

Pack all his things up and tell him when he can collect them.

You have your child and he/she needs to sleep in their own bed. Do not leave make him leave right now.

No, he can't change the locks if it's in both names.

Respect, if there's no violence in the mix, then you just need to pack for the next few days and your Dad can come and get some more stuff if need be. So grab one big suitcase, if you've got one on wheels, and let's pack assuming that it'll have to be the train. Your son in a stroller, and you can drag the suitcase if you need to, it'll be fine. Also a backpack if you have one. Don't worry about getting this perfect, but here's a list:

Suitcase:
Nappies for a week (but there's presumably shops near your parents, so just pack what you've got).
Bottles/sippy cups/toddler cutlery/plastic bowls or plates, presuming your parents don't have those things.
Stuff as many of your son's clothes in as you possibly can. You know what they're like at that age, and the clothes are small.
Is there somewhere for your son to sleep at your parents? Think about where, and depending on the answer you might want to pack his pillow or blanket or not bother.
Favourite cuddly toy/s, a few books, again depends on how much stuff there is at parents house.
Your clothes: chuck in a lot of knickers and bras, a couple of pairs of jeans and t-shirts, and one good/smart jacket. One skirt and a pair of low heels if that's your style, you never know when you might have to go see CAB or someone and it helps to feel a bit smart.
Toiletries. Tooth stuff for both, hairbrush, any baby shampoo or special stuff you use for DS. Make-up bag.

Backpack:
Books, small toy, snacks. Couple of nappies and wipes. It's your travel bag, pack what you would for a day out plus a couple of activities.
PHONE CHARGER. Sorry to shout but it's important and easily forgotten.
Obviously wallet/keys/etc.

Other things to do: call bank and put a freeze on any joint account. Transfer money to your account as insurance (er, before you do the freeze). Call a friend and tell them what's going on. Put an outgoing message on the answering machine saying "if you want to speak to Respect, please ring her mobile phone". He won't check it.

That's all i can think of.

If I don't leave he has nowhere to stay in this city or anywhere near. He therefore can't work. He therefore can't give me anything to pay for DS. I don't work & am a student, so I need whatever I can get.

DS is very used to staying with my parents & we were even on holiday with them a week ago, & because of the distance, when we visit we stay over. He has his own cot there. I think he'll be fine. Not as fine as if his father hadn't done this, but fine.

Oh! Birth certificates, insurance details, passports, one photo album.

Right, anyone saying it's OTT please go away now. I'm trying to get my head straight. It has taken me months to get to this point. More than that, really. I should've left before the porn, but I assumed things would get better, not worse. So yes, long time to get here. To defeat my doubt and to exhaust every last shred of hope. I have finally done that & it hurts enough without you casting aspersions on it. I appreciate that you clearly don't know the story, and that's fine. That's not your responsibility to know. I'm just asking for some practical advice so I can do what I need to do.

Thank you tortoise & everyone else helping & being supportive. xx

Also you will have to see him as he is the father of your child and its your childs right to see his dad. You will need to make arrangements to facilate (sp?) this.

I know. I will remain in this city in the long-term even if I don't get back into uni because it is best for DS, and also for H, if they can have regular contact without it being a long journey dependent on petrol money & time, etc. I know. I'm honestly not trying to spite anyone. I just need to not share a flat with H any longer. I need to make a break.

Why is porn so wrong?

Childporn?