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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me leave H right now.

195 replies

RespectTheDoughnut · 08/09/2010 12:08

I tried yet a-fucking-gain & now there's more porn. I need to get out of here now, before he gets home from work. DS is asleep. What do I need to pack? I'll go to my parents' until he finds somewhere new to live. Help me sort out the practical things please. Sorry I didn't listen to you all before. Total waste of my time & everyone else's.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2010 21:51

You know it will hurt you more to stay with him though, don't you ?

I think AL is the quirky one Wink

MOSP · 08/09/2010 21:52

I'm so glad your parents are understanding, and that you're comfortable with them there.

Just take your time with the emotional stuff. Maybe you'll live on the 'relief' and 'joy of being free' for ages. I know I did when I left my ex.

Mind you, might be worth talking it all through with a person who can help sooner rather than later. [learning from my own mistakes]

You're doing the right thing. Give yourself a pat on the back. Well done.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2010 21:55

oops, I thought you were calling me quirky Grin

Original poster
RespectTheDoughnut · 08/09/2010 21:56

Oh, it absolutely will hurt more to stay with him. Definitely. He's just been chipping away at me for so long & I've had enough. It's either escape from it now or lose the ability to see the problem, I think. I've read enough sad stories on here to know that I need to take the bull by the horns. & DS is still young, so he'll adapt very quickly.

H's apathy is a shocker though Confused

OP posts:
Original poster
RespectTheDoughnut · 08/09/2010 21:56

AF, that goes without saying Grin

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2010 21:58

you will see the real him, now

and then when it enters his thick skull that you really mean it, he will turn on the charm and try to persuade you to stay

be mindful of that

MOSP · 08/09/2010 21:59

Yes, ds's young age is a plus, definitely. Mine were also young (2 and 0), and I'm so grateful that they have never known any different and can't remember (consciously) the abuse.

Maybe your H's apathy is temporary, while he processes this. Stick to your guns girl :)

Original poster
RespectTheDoughnut · 08/09/2010 22:02

That's what I'm worried about. I know that I won't relent, because I can't. But I want to believe the inevitable lies & promises.

It's also slightly galling that he gets to go & live with his friends & I have all the sleepless nights & tantrums. I wouldn't want DS living anywhere but with me, but still. I know it's all want want want. It's still somewhat surprising, despite the build up Confused I tried to prepare myself, but it's so strange.

OP posts:
MOSP · 08/09/2010 22:06

It's bound to feel odd to start with.

When do you think you'll be able to get the house back? did you say that he woud eventually move out?

Tippychoocks · 08/09/2010 22:07

Now I will probably get shouted at for this but I don't care Grin

Before you move back to your flat, check the housing situation. If you are planning on giving up the tenancy at once, you might be better off staying with your parents while you hunt as it may help you be considered for social housing. Making yourself homeless by giving notice will make you ineligible but if you give notice jointly, move home to parents and apply for housing, rather than moving back for a few weeks and giving notice by yourself, it could be looked at differently. Does that make sense? I mean that giving up a tenancy because of a break up and moving home will probably not be viewed as making yourself homeless. You moving back in for a week or so once he's left and then giving notice will.

That's how it was for me anyway, I didn't know that before so I was lucky but I could have been made ineligible just through giving notice a week or so later it turned out.

Your DD will be fine, mine sadly has been through this aged 2 and now again at nearly 4 and she is OK. It's been shit at times obviously but we are so much better off without the nobber, as will you be Smile

AnyFucker · 08/09/2010 22:08

oh gosh, you are going to feel a kind of anti-climax over the next few days/weeks

like "so I've left him, is this it ??..."

you must be strong through this stage...or you will go back

Original poster
RespectTheDoughnut · 08/09/2010 22:10

He's moving out on Saturday - faster than I could've hoped.

How does the social housing thing work then?

& I will be strong. I will imagine having to come back with my tail between my legs & explain to you lot that I went back Wink

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 08/09/2010 22:13

hey, rtd, even if that were to happen, we would still be here for you

Original poster
RespectTheDoughnut · 08/09/2010 22:14

Don't, you'll make me cry! [touched]

OP posts:
MOSP · 08/09/2010 22:17

whatever happens, keep us posted. x

it can take some women several attempts to leave before they manage it for real. So...if you are tempted togo back to him, just try to think of going through the same thing again as you did today. that might out you off

sorry for weird typing. Not used to this keyboard

AnyFucker · 08/09/2010 22:20

He has made you so unhappy, I really hope you won't give him another chance though

But you know that

Original poster
RespectTheDoughnut · 08/09/2010 22:22

I will keep you posted. & I hope I won't too. He's not worthy of my time. I'm 21, I don't need him leeching off me. I've already messed up the last year of uni because of him, never mind what he's done to my mental health. No more now.

OP posts:
Tippychoocks · 08/09/2010 22:24

Don't go back.I did: waste of time and effort.
Go to your council housing department and ask about social housing or try the CAB first. Just be aware that if you do what I am usually inclined to do which is say you're fine and try to sort everything out yourself, they will let you. It went against every instinct I had but you have to tell them you need help and insist that they do help you. Otherwise they'll just end up helping the next person who shouts louder and you'll be left to wander off and sort things out for yourself.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2010 22:24

yes, no more

come back when you need help staying strong, because you will

I didn't realise you were so young

yes, you are young, but plenty old enough to realise that you do not have to settle for someone who makes you feel shit

MOSP · 08/09/2010 22:30

where are you with your studies? will you be able to take a year off and go back? what are you reading? [nosy]

Original poster
RespectTheDoughnut · 08/09/2010 22:35

Thanks for the advice about the social housing :)

I'm studying English literature. I've just fluffed my second attempt at first year, ridiculously. The first time was because of a horrible pregnancy, this time because of circumstances with him. I'm waiting for resit results this weekend, but I'm not hopeful. I'm hoping they'll take pity on me anyway.

& I don't want to take a year off. I need to use my brain for once. I need to do something for me. But it's going to be a hard slog, I know that. At least I won't have him as the weight around my neck this time.

OP posts:
MOSP · 08/09/2010 22:40

It's true, the studies might force you to concentrate on other things. You can do it :)

AnyFucker · 08/09/2010 22:45

I have a feeling in my water you can do it, too

Tippychoocks · 08/09/2010 22:47

Though I am a massive and depressing 10 years older than you RTD, I am getting through my degree while all this is going on and in a way it helps. It is also no harm being able to miss the odd day while you're adjusting to doing this alone (if DD has a cold or cannot get childcare) where a job would not be so understanding. You might find it helps to have something to do for yourself and your brain like MOSP said.

Can you contact a tutor and let them know your circumstances now so that they can take it into account? Again, I didn't and went through a miscarriage and break up this year without telling anyone, when I should have taken any help going. You clearly are much more sensible than me Grin

If you get stuck re the housing and want my long and boring tale to see if it helps then let me know and I'll email you another time Smile

AnyFucker · 08/09/2010 22:49

tippy, don't be depressed

I am old enough to be rtd's mother Smile

and not a gymslip mother, at that