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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Help me leave H right now.

195 replies

RespectTheDoughnut · 08/09/2010 12:08

I tried yet a-fucking-gain & now there's more porn. I need to get out of here now, before he gets home from work. DS is asleep. What do I need to pack? I'll go to my parents' until he finds somewhere new to live. Help me sort out the practical things please. Sorry I didn't listen to you all before. Total waste of my time & everyone else's.

OP posts:
Tippychoocks · 08/09/2010 22:51

Are you AnyFucker? I always imagined you as a skinnymalinky 30 something, a bit fierce. Like a cross Sadie Frost Grin.

But I am not depressed at being 31. I am depressed at wasting so much time on losers though which is why the OP is clever at figuring this out at 21! Grin

MOSP · 08/09/2010 22:51

how old ARE you AF??

AnyFucker · 08/09/2010 22:53

I am 45 in a couple of months

I am a skinnymalinkey though, but not the slightest bit fierce

Tippychoocks · 08/09/2010 22:54

I meant fierce in a good way Smile. I am admiring of fierce.

AnyFucker · 08/09/2010 22:56

I wouldn't have figured out a loser at 21.

so, respect to rtd

MOSP · 08/09/2010 22:58

I was just starting to date my loser at that age!

Madascheese · 09/09/2010 06:57

If it's any consolation MOSP,I started dating mine at 30, married him at 33, had littlemad at 35 and was divorced at 37...

RTD well done, I imagine there will be times when you don't think this, but you've done the hardest part.

You're so right about DS getting through this with the minimum of disruption, Littlemad was 9 months old when we left and doesn't even remember that we used to live with his Dad.

Take a couple of days to catch your breath, let your parents take care of you both, when peope ask what they can do - and they will, my advice is to ask them to tell you a joke. there might not be much you can think of but honestly laughter will get you through.

Be kind to yourself, you're an amazing lady.

BigBadMummy · 09/09/2010 11:33

Welcome to the first day of the rest of your life.

Well done for yesterday, that took tremendous courage and shows that you are a truly remarkable woman.

Take time to recognise your feelings and emotions, and don't hide or bottle them up. They are real and need to be processed as you begin your new journey.

And let your parents do all they want to in terms of help and support, they sound great too.

And keep posting!!!!

swallowedAfly · 09/09/2010 15:28

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perfumedlife · 09/09/2010 16:08

Respect you are brilliant Smile

Cant believe you got it together and got the hell out of there, well done woman.

His underwhelming reaction speaks volumes, cant say i'm surprised. This will help your resolve.

Hope it goes well with Uni.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2010 17:26

how you doing today, rtd ?

susiedaisy · 09/09/2010 20:23

RTD missed this post it has all happened so fast, i dont know your history, but i wish you well in your journey ahead, i hope your parents will be a tower of strength for you and your DS, i am thinking of you, i am in a similar predicament with the porn problem myself, it begs the question, is there any men out there who dont rely on/use, porn????? i know some posters will be pissed off i say this but everywhere i turn to speak to someone about it they all know someone whos husband/boyfriend,etc uses it!!! Anyway i am sending you hugs and best wishes, xx

RespectTheDoughnut · 09/09/2010 21:58

susiedaisy, I have no idea about the problems with porn within your relationship, but I don't think that H's situation is a normal 'use'. I have feminist objections to the porn industry, but no objections to it in theory if all is consensual, non-exploitative, etc. However I was replaced by porn. I was frequently rejected sexually (apart from blow jobs which were always readily received Hmm) & there was a lot of verbal abuse about my appearance as well as a complete lack of compliments even when there wasn't active abuse. I told him that I needed to hear nice things to compensate for the horrible things that I heard, but was repeatedly told that he just 'can't' express himself like that. Funny how he could express himself negatively. These things & others related to it (& things not related at all) have led to this point. I think what I'm saying is that I don't think that porn use = divorce in itself. I told H dozens of times that it simply wasn't acceptable & he continued to download it & lie about it, as well as the bits that affected me without me knowing why. That's why porn was a problem for our relationship - I don't know if you recognise anything there? I'm probably just stating the bleeding obvious anyway.

Again, thank you to everyone for the support & for thinking of me. I have have brief contact (via msn) with H today in relation to next week's paid childcare initially. I found myself unable to not keep making bitchy comments - I'm just full of anger. I normally feel able to rise above things & be civil, but I just haven't been able to today. I'm not proud of myself. It's so unlike me & it's so unnecessary to sarcastically wish him luck packing his life into a box room, etc. I'll have to bite my tongue when I see him because DS will be there & I don't want that in front of him. I'll have to manage then.

That's something I've been wondering about - contact with DS. I don't yet know what the situation about DS staying in H's new house will be. I want H in the flat (or wherever else we may end up) as little as possible. If DS didn't exist I would never see him again & I want to be as close to that as I can without it upsetting the balance of DS's life.

This year I will (hopefully) be in my 2nd year of university & H will be working Monday - Friday 9 - 5 (although actually, it's flexitime so the hours can be made up so long as they're between 8 & 4). What sort of distribution of DS's time do you think we should be aiming for? Who do I speak to about these things? Also paying maintenance. This year he'll be earning & based on his new rent he'll have about £1000/month (but pre-bills, food, etc - but the bills will be shared equally between 4 people). This seems like heaps to me, but I don't know how to work out how much I need for DS because it's always been joint & he's never had a job before last month (he's a student too & this is his placement year). Where do I go to work these things out?

There's so much new stuff to think about & I don't know where to start. The practical stuff is so overwhelming right now - more than the emotional stuff, which I'm still mostly holding down, I think. Apart from a fun incident walking home from the shops earlier where I suddenly broke down in tears in front of some teenagers for no reason Blush

OP posts:
Tippychoocks · 09/09/2010 22:27

You can work out his maintenance on the CSA site I think.

As far as contact goes, if you don't want ExH in your place then I guess you have to let him take DS to his, unless you have concerns that would mean you could ask for contact to be through a contact centre. If he takes DS "out" for his contact - parks or softplay or McDonalds or whatever - then I guess it would be limited to weekend mornings or similar. But surely if he's in a shared house DS won't be sleeping over anyway so it'll probably be a weekend thing?

I would book an appointment at your CAB tomorrow, they can take a while to come through.Also try your local Surestart centre - mine offered legal advice drop ins and similar so there might be something useful there.

RespectTheDoughnut · 09/09/2010 22:36

There's no reason for a contact centre to be necessary - H isn't violent or anything.

As for staying over, it depends on the size of the room - he's sharing with friends, not just people connected by convenience of location, etc. I think that they would probably accommodate DS, at least occasionally. DS isn't a brilliant sleeper (ha!) & I've done every single night with him since he was born, so I'd quite like a break if I can Blush

Thanks for the advice about the CAB - I wasn't sure if it'd be them, so that's good to know. It'll be a day of phonecalls tomorrow, I think. I just can't summon the mental energy.

OP posts:
Tippychoocks · 09/09/2010 22:41

My CAB took a week or so to get the right lawyer-y person to have a free slot so worth ringing them soonest. The Surestart may have something sooner.
Lists are my friends, I know what you mean about the energy. Just the forms and logistics of splitting sometimes seem worse to me that the alternative (but not for long Grin). Stay with it, it gets better.Getting someone on-side to fight a few battles for you - I had a GP and a Housing officer who were amazing- does really help.

AnyFucker · 09/09/2010 22:47

Hi, rtd, glad to see you post

the practical issues, to my shame, I have no idea about

could you start a thread with those specific questions ? They are very important and getting answers/solutions you are confident about can make the difference between staying resolved and crumbling under the shit

RespectTheDoughnut · 09/09/2010 22:54

Yes, I keep meaning to write lists & then I go to write it & don't know where to start - I need a list with which to write my list.

I'll probably be grovelling at university on Monday anyway, so I can go & see if I can speak to one of the advisers there, too. I need all the help I can get because my head feels like it's full of custard.

I probably should start another thread but I don't even know what I want to know. Perhaps I'll just turn up at the CAB wearing my Confused Hat & hope they do it all for me. It's times like this that I don't like being a grown up one bit. I can more or less deal with the heartbreak - that is what it is. But the having to take charge & do very important and complicated things through that heartbreak... That's not so easy.

OP posts:
Tippychoocks · 09/09/2010 23:02

University should have student counsellor (sp?) type people, mine does so I guess it's standard.

I found that having to do it all - when I wasn't randomly crying on the bus - kind of put the sadness on the backburner. Because the practical stuff had to be done it numbed the emotional stuff for a while. May not be a very healthy attitude though.

You sound very sane and sorted anyway and definitely a grown up. I am quite sure you will manage it all Smile

ButterpieBride · 09/09/2010 23:15

There may be a student advice centre at your uni who can help with advice on legal stuff, finances and benefits. Well worth having a look- they will probably be in the SU, but they might be somewhere else.

swallowedAfly · 10/09/2010 07:53

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swallowedAfly · 10/09/2010 07:55

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PosieParker · 10/09/2010 08:12

Hey AF do you attend the MN bashes? Like Christmas?

susiedaisy · 10/09/2010 11:19

ok may be different in different parts of the uk but i have enquired about seperating from H and i have been to solicitor, and CAB, and so far this is what i have been told,

try to put as much money away for yourself as you can,

go onto CAB website and read up as much as you can, they have lots of information,

see if your solicitor can apply for legal aid for you,

the women usually get to stay in the home with the children, unless you have huge debts, or negative equity, or their are other issues going on, a judge will not throw a mother and her kids out on the street just because it pisses the husband off that she can stay in the home,

if possible change the mortage to interest only, to reduce the payments,

when the divorce proceedings start you will need to change the occupancy of your home to your name only,your sol should be able to help advise you with this, it may cost a couple of hundred pounds,this will stay in place until you remarry, co habit with someone for more than six months, or when your youngest child turns 18 or finishes full time education, which ever comes first,

if you sell the house in the meantime your exhusband will then be entilted to his share of the house,

there are 2 types of injunctions you can get against your husband,if you need to, you will need to go the courts with your sol, and apply for them, one is an injuction against voilent behavouir, and the other is a bigger one an injunction against him coming near you and the home, these are cheap to get, hence the importance of applying for legal aid,

you will also need to consider changing your will if you have one,

sorry about spelling in a rush, hope i may of been some help, i am still pondering over all of this and are yet to act on it, but there is help out there if you need it, xx

susiedaisy · 10/09/2010 11:28

Sorry should have said these are NOT cheap to get, in regards to the injuctions,