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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is it possible to have affair but stay happily married/attached? Pls be honest.

528 replies

MabelMay · 14/07/2010 15:02

Hello All

I really need your honesty and experiences/opinions.
Without going into too much detail as I do wish to remain as anonymous as possible obviously, I have recently found myself falling for someone other than my DP. We have had our problems in the past, DP and I, but we have two lovely little kids together and I've never really been distracted by another man since being with him (8 years). Until now. Recently, after some months of feeling unbelievably attracted to this person, I've found out he feels exactly the same. I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I have such strong feelings for this guy and have not felt this happy in years. I really want it to happen and yet I know you'll all think me stupid/selfish/naive/etc. But please tell me: Have any of you ever managed to have a brief fling/affair without it destroying your other relationship? Or know of anyone who has? Is it crazy to even think this can happen? I say brief because he is leaving the country for good at the end of the year... am I mad?

OP posts:
Mumfun · 14/07/2010 15:14

Yes youre mad and selfish. Its quite common too for this to happen when one party is going away soon.

Stop it now. Read the other affair threads on this board about the pain and awfulness other spouses and kids are going through after affairs.

jesuswhatnext · 14/07/2010 15:15

yep! your mad! heartache is waiting to bite you on the bum big time!

thats me being nice - i could be a whole lot more honest!

BessieBoots · 14/07/2010 15:16

HOw do you know it will be a brief affair? What if you fall in love?
Imagine the shoe was on the other foot. What if it was your DP with someone else?

AnyFucker · 14/07/2010 15:19

well go for it if you must..he is just after a shag and you are risking your little family for that ?

you realise you are the one left to pick up the pieces while this lovely fella flies off into the sunset ?

silly girl

jesuswhatnext · 14/07/2010 15:19

if you were a man, then you would be described as 'thinking with your dick!'

msboogie · 14/07/2010 15:22

You are on the precipice of something - something very,very exciting: deceit, heartache, and dreadful upheaval for your children.

Enjoy!!

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 14/07/2010 15:24

No.

ZZZenAgain · 14/07/2010 15:29

people do it and I suppose iftheir dp never finds out , that person may still believe they are happily married/attached.

I might try reading the OP as if your dh had written it about anothe woman. Does that feel ok, would you feel like staying happily married(attached to him when he's done with that fling? Or would it hurt too much?

FakePlasticTrees · 14/07/2010 15:31

I know of people who have had an affair and their marriage has survived, but that was only because the affair highlighted problems they had in their marriage and they worked at it to fix those issues.

You could short cut the heartache and try and work out what's missing from your marriage and put a bit of effort in to fix it.

Original poster
MabelMay · 14/07/2010 15:32

Ok. I'm taking this all on board. Thanks for your honesty!
Really, tho', my post has over-simplified everything. If it clarifies anything, my DP has for 8 years, every 5 or 6 months, told me that he wants to split up with me, that I'm not good enough for him. My love for him always made me fight back and tell him all the reasons we are good together. I don't know still if it's genuine doubts or insecurities on his part. I've suggested couples counselling on many occasions. He has been against it. We usually recover and have 5 or 6 good months. Then it comes again. Each time a little bit more of my love for him is eroded. I start to think, why am I putting up with this? is this normal? He has never asked me to marry him altho' he knows (until recently) it would have meant the world to me to have had that acknowledgement of our togetherness. He is a wonderful dad. But after 8 years and two kids, he still tells me he has doubts about us... then I met this other guy. And he has made me feel happier than I have for years.
Yeah, maybe I'm stupid but I guess I'm trying to chase my own happiness for a bit. My kids are my priority and of course (they're 4 and 2) I don't want to do anything that will hurt them in the long-term. I guess that's why I'm posting.

OP posts:
BrittanyBeers · 14/07/2010 15:34

It's not up to you to decide whether your relationship will have 3 in it.

Why not ask your husband if he minds you fucking some other bloke?
Oh, that's right, he'd be heartbroken.

Doesn't he have the right to decide whether he stays with a cheat?

Get yourself a rampant rabbit and a mills & boon.

BrittanyBeers · 14/07/2010 15:36

Oh, well.

FFS leave your OH then!

Is the other man married?

You clearly need/want something more.
Neither of these men will give you that.

PortiaNovmerriment · 14/07/2010 15:36

The usual course of sction in scenarios like you describe is to end your relationship before you begin another one. Especially if he has been trying to get out of it for years.

AnyFucker · 14/07/2010 15:38

ok then, so you might treat this as an "exit affair"

you are not happy with your P...you gave the impression that you were

what I would suggest is this

finish your existing relationship

tell user-boy (the departing Romeo) to fuck off

be happy by yourself for a while...work out why you have stuck with someone for so long who is clearly not into you and look for a bloke who will appreciate you properly

neither of these two men is that person, I am afraid

Original poster
MabelMay · 14/07/2010 15:38

Thanks, FakePlasticTrees - I do agree with you. What this has done if nothing else is forced me to realise that there are major issues in my relationship with DP that need fixing.
I need to try (god it's so hard) to push these feelings to one side and try and think completely unselfishly, but right now I feel I have no control over these feelings.

I think if I had read my post as if a man had written it, I don't know. I guess I'd think he had major issues in his relationship that needed fixing. I don't think I'd think he was a w*nker.

OP posts:
jesuswhatnext · 14/07/2010 15:40

ok - the situation has made you have a good long think about your relationship with dp - thats good, tbh, i couldn't live with someone who behaved in the way you tell us he does - however, jumping into bed with someone who has shown you some attention is not the way to fix your life.

if you decide to stay with your dp, an affair will in no way make you happy - it leads to misery for so many people.

if you dont love your dp anymore, be big enough to admit it, walk away, be on your own for bit, rebuild your self esteem, and i garantee you will find the right person.

an affair with this man will make you feel sordid and cheap - hold yourself in higher regard than that! if you dont, no-one else will!

Anniegetyourgun · 14/07/2010 15:44

Ah, well that would explain your yearning for someone else. Your DP is a miserable so-and-so and makes you feel insecure and unappreciated. The answer is still not to grab a bit on the side though, sorry. Life is too short to be unhappy with the wrong partner. However an affair would only confuse things further. The solution is to sort out your current relationship, one way or the other, before embarking on another.

Or just tell your DP you want to see other people and ask if he'll buy an open relationship - thus setting him free to make his own choice as well. Somehow I doubt he'll be thrilled though...

Lucy85 · 14/07/2010 15:45

Don't do it.

It causes unbearable pain for you, the OM, your H and children.

Is it really worth losing everything - home, kids, family? - No it is not.

It is devastating and consequences affect all in your life. Forever. Things will never be the same again.

FOr me the worst pain was that my H would throw me and DC on the scrap heap for some cheap slapper despite all I do, think and care for him and our life together. That has not and will not ever diminish.

Do not do it. You are mad, selfish, selfcentred, needy, weak thoughtless, unkind, inconsiderate, horrible ... I must stop myself there. You will hear worse from your H if you follow it through.

Anniegetyourgun · 14/07/2010 15:45

Cross-posted again

ZZZenAgain · 14/07/2010 15:46

your thread title asked whether it was possibly to "stay happily married/attached" you see which is different to your RL situation.

Sounds like you are a bit unhapppily attached but you would like to keep your family intact for the sake of the dc. It's not great to keep hearing 8 years long that you are not good enough and your dp would like to break it off. That's not a great realtionship. Are you sure he is really such a great dad?

The reason I ask is every marriage problem thread says "but he is such a great dad" and then when you get into how great a dad he is, it turns out not to be the case.

So he is the one every half year or so telling you he wants to leave. Wonder what wouldh appen if you said it wasn't enough for you and you want to leave

So what is his problem with your relationship? What is he waiting for?

Original poster
MabelMay · 14/07/2010 15:47

Hi - I think some of you are being a little cruel. I'm writing this in tears.
I guess it does sound like I've been a right mug in my relationship with my DP. And now reading my own words and your words telling me that he obviously doesn't want to be with me makes me feel ridiculous.
Do you think I would stay with someone for 8 years if I felt they didn't love me?
Of course I know he loves me. He is just deeply insecure and can be very cruel. But he is also capable of being incredibly loving, funny, respectful, generous.
Do none of you have a partner who flares up/breaks down/whatever and undermines you/your relationship in a fit of anger/insecurity/whatever it is?

As I said, for most of the time my DP is a loving partner and a great dad.
But when these flare-ups happen it breaks my heart - and I guess there's just been one too many.

I barely told you anything about the other man but most of you have already concluded he must be a selfish arse just after a quick f*ck. Why? He hasn't done anything other than tell me he has feelings for me. He hasn't tried to jump me, put pressure on me, stalked me. He's told me and left it at that.

oh dear. I feel even crappier now. I guess I asked for it.

OP posts:
Bramshott · 14/07/2010 15:48

Yes of course they do, but no-one will admit to it, least of all on here!

ZZZenAgain · 14/07/2010 15:48

he hasn't been chained to you for 8 years mabel.

If he really wanted to go, he would have gone wouldn't he?

Original poster
MabelMay · 14/07/2010 15:51

sorry - that doesn't apply to all posters. and i know i set myself up for everything that's come up me so I completely deserve it. i guess i'm shocked at how crappy it made my current relationship sound when I wrote those words down (about my DPs mini-breakdowns). I suppose I thought every long-term relationship has its blazing rows and that perhaps it wasn't so different to others - altho' probably in my heart-of-hearts...

thanks for your thoughts.
i mean it believe it or not!

OP posts:
PortiaNovmerriment · 14/07/2010 15:52

"Do none of you have a partner who flares up/breaks down/whatever and undermines you/your relationship in a fit of anger/insecurity/whatever it is?"

Nope. It's not normal in a healthy relationship. I'm sorry you're upset though. Perhaps you should use this attraction as a bit of a prompt to take stock and have a proper think about what you want and what your partner wants. Then talk and listen. You can't make somebody stay in a relationship with you because you have decided they love you, even if they are telling you that they don't think it's right for them. You just can't.