Is it possible to have affair but stay happily married/attached? Pls be honest.

[MabelMay]

Hello All

I really need your honesty and experiences/opinions.
Without going into too much detail as I do wish to remain as anonymous as possible obviously, I have recently found myself falling for someone other than my DP. We have had our problems in the past, DP and I, but we have two lovely little kids together and I've never really been distracted by another man since being with him (8 years). Until now. Recently, after some months of feeling unbelievably attracted to this person, I've found out he feels exactly the same. I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I have such strong feelings for this guy and have not felt this happy in years. I really want it to happen and yet I know you'll all think me stupid/selfish/naive/etc. But please tell me: Have any of you ever managed to have a brief fling/affair without it destroying your other relationship? Or know of anyone who has? Is it crazy to even think this can happen? I say brief because he is leaving the country for good at the end of the year... am I mad?

You really need to end the relationship you're in before you start the next. He would be able to use this against you in the future when your children ask why the relationship broke down he could say it was because you had an affair.

Also, don't be suprised if this guy actually doesn't bother with you once you become a single mum of two..the feeling of a challenge would essentially go and the reality that he could just have you probably wouldn't be as exciting!

Sorry if that's abit harsh but it's just how these things tend to go

On the otherhand you could just try and work at your relationship, your partner is obviously sticking around for a reason (because he loves you and his children) and maybe he keeps telling you he wants to leave because you're spending most of your time thinking about another man and neglecting the relationship you have with him..just a thought! Just make sure you have given it everything you can before you end it..could be the biggest mistake you make.

Mabel, I don't think it sometimes helps to say on these kinda threads "ohhhh, that is awful, my partner would never say/do those things"

but in this case, I will say it

my DH would never, ever speak to me like that. Make me feel like shit to oost his own fragile ago

that is pathetic...and the actions of a very weak man who is not a good father

a "good father" does not undermine his children's mother every few months...this smacks of controlling and he sounds like he has had you just where he wants you

sounds like the worm is turning though....

I actually hope you kick your partner into touch and even if the other bloke isn't a bad lad, I don't think sleeping with him will help clarify your thoughts one little bit

I read your post with interest as I recently wrote this thread in a similar vein.

Although I agree with others that it would be best to sort out your relationship first, maybe life is short and it's a shame to pass up an opportunity for fun and happiness for the sake of someone who doesn't really appear to treat you very nicely. Do you think if you don't act on this you will regret it for the rest of your life or do you think that when he's out of the country you will forget about it and never think about him again? I suppose it's hard to say at this stage.

I know if my work guy was about to leave the country I would be relieved in a way that I didn't have to see him anymore. He messes with my head too much!

Answer to the actual Op = no. You know this.
so q is, how much do you really fancy leaving bloke ?
"tell your DP you want to see other people and ask if he'll buy an open relationship - thus setting him free to make his own choice as well". good idea.
leave oh/ ask oh to leave.
then you can shag your fancy bloke for a few months. sounds great fun. could be just what you need. and then sit back and take a hard look at yourself, at the end of this year, once he's left.
would that work for you ?

boost his own fragile ego

sorry for typos

"I barely told you anything about the other man but most of you have already concluded he must be a selfish arse just after a quick f*ck. Why? He hasn't done anything other than tell me he has feelings for me. He hasn't tried to jump me, put pressure on me, stalked me. He's told me and left it at that."

But he shouldn't have. He's leaving the country for good at the end of the year. What's going to happen then?

And I think you're being a little self-pitying when you say people are being cruel. They aren't. Just giving you a wake up call.

Bramshott - thanks.

ZZZenAgain - I don't know what DP has been waiting for. I don't know what he expects from a relationship. He seems perfectly happy most of the time. He has ambivalent feelings towards marriage because his own parents weren't remotely faithful and had a pretty unhappy marriage. But when I started to hint (after 3 years together and pregnant with our 1st DS) that I would like us to get married, he told me he couldn't because he had too many doubts! It totally crushed me - and we talked through it and worked through it and he apologised the next day, said 'I'm totally in love with you and will love you forever' etc etc. Sorted. Or so I thought - until the next time. And so it has continued...
This is why I have suggested couples counselling in the past. I really think we need it but he doesn't...!
I think I'm going to push for it again.

why does op's oh not leave ?
or why does he stay ?

because he's onto a good thing ?

i think if his parents marriage was characterised by unfaithfulness and unhappiness essentially turning him against the institution of marriage, it would not be a great thing for your relationship if he found out you had been unfaithful

just a thought.

If this having doubts thing is about marriage and comes up only when you bring up marriage, that is not nice for you I agree but not the same as having doubts about being with you.

Some people have this very strong attitude to marriage. I never really understood it. Is it about money if it came to a divorce?

I actually think you could have the affair, and seeing how happy it's possible to be would give you he strength to leave someone that clearly doesn't deserve you. It worked for me when I was married to a complete arse. But be careful, it could also make you feel really shit about yourself for giving in.

I think two things change when you have an affair

you change, in ways you might not yet suspect, you will be having to lie to your partner, hide things, play act

if he discovers or suspects, he will change towards you. He will see you as sly, dishonest, sneaky etc so you will drop in his esteem generally regardless of whether he gets over this particular affair

you are definitely risking rocking the boat but people do it all the time, evidence is all around us.

MM, I think you are in denial

5 mins ago you were contemplating sleeping with another guy

Now you are pushing for marriage again, with a partner who doesn't seem to be all that keen

Which is it ?

Your head is all over the place, what on earth do you want?

Can you see why it might actually be best to be on your own for a while ? Sit your P down, tell him you are unhappy. Offer him that "break" he keeps habging over your head like the sword of Damocles and go find yourself

you might actually like what you find !

Oblomov and others. He stays with me because HE LOVES ME.
I know you find that hard to believe when he is capable of saying such cruel things - but some people are deeply insecure and f*cked up.
He is a very good dad because he lashes love and patience on our two boys. He also lashes love and attention on me. MOST OF THE TIME. These flare-ups come rarely (but too often obviously) and are incredibly hurtful. They always reduce me to tears and a crisis about our relationship. But guaranteed the next day he will apologise and try to explain where the emotions are coming from when he says these things.

In case you're wondering, my DP is a very successful, attractive, creative individual who is very happy in his professional life. He is the main breadwinner. I work part-time.
If you saw us on the outside you would probably think us a very happy young family.

Even my closest friends think he's great, think we're happy and all going swimmingly.
On the outside

but isn't it the inside that counts ?

what are you hanging on to a facade for ?

AnyFucker i'm absolutely not pushing for marriage. I was talking about conversations I used to have with me DP 2,3,4 years ago. The marriage issue is dead. I don't ever bring it up.
The flare-ups don't just come when marriage is brought up. They often seem to come from nowhere.
I was just trying to put my relationship wtih DP in context i guess.

good that you're looking at the problems in your relationship - deal with those first. If you do have the affair, you'll be back in the same situation in a few months time when OM leaves, only this time feeling like you should be treated like shit as you have been shagging someone else. It will be harder to stand up to bad behaviour if you feel you deserve it.

As for the OM - look at it from his point of view, you know he's leaving, you know it's only for a few months, so he's got nothing to loose - if you turn him down flat, or tell him to fuck off for even trying it on, then he's only got to deal with the embarrassment for a couple of months. If you do go for it, then he gets to have a bit of no strings attached fun, which if it does end your marriage, he'll be safely in another timezone when it all gets messy without any pressure to be supportive for you.

"Do none of you have a partner who flares up/breaks down/whatever and undermines you/your relationship in a fit of anger/insecurity/whatever it is?"

No, because I would leave if this happened.

You need to resolve your current situation OP, instead of chasing the illusion of happiness elsewhere. An affair won't make you any happier.

Leave your current man.

Sort yourself out.Make yourself happy.

Then see about meeting someone else.

The exit relationship thing will just make you out to be the bad guy and will give your current bloke lots of ammunition to use against you in a break up when you get caught.

Sorry, I apologise, you meant you were going to push for counselling

I misread, my fault

Yes, I think that is a good idea

I need to see a therapist, obviously!

AnyFucker I can see why you think my head is all over the place.
It's not really a facade though. But maybe it sounds like that to others. God, maybe it is.

No, it's not. It's real. It's just a bit f*cked up.

I think I need to go off and have a think for a bit.

Feel incredibly strange.

"Do none of you have a partner who flares up/breaks down/whatever and undermines you/your relationship in a fit of anger/insecurity/whatever it is?"

I had one. Took me 25 years to divorce him. Hope is not always a beautiful gift.

Will you come back to us when you have had a think ?

People want to be supportive you know, but you sound very confused (and in some denial about what a "good guy" your partner is)

user-boy is inconsequential here I think

Mabel... Please don't be upset. It's a tricky situation, that no one else can judge. All I would say though is that once you have an affair, of the head or heart, there really is no going back unfortunately. I learnt that the hard way xxx

Genuinely, genuinely I was not expecting to hear those opinions about the relationship I'm currently in with my DP.
I feel a mixture of devastation, surprise, realisation, doubt - god lots of things at hearing that so many of you think it is totally unacceptable for my DP to have behaved in the way that he has.
I'm not saying your'e wrong AT ALL. I guess because I've never told anyone about it I might have been burying my head in the sand - or I guess i really did think that every relationship has its recurring problems, and this was ours.
I don't know what to think right now.
Will come back tomorrow I think.

thanks mrsFC and AnyFucker and others. yes i'll come back. X

Oh, and wheresmyheadat thanks for your helpful post - i will read your thread with interest.
MM