Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Is it possible to have affair but stay happily married/attached? Pls be honest.

528 replies

MabelMay · 14/07/2010 15:02

Hello All

I really need your honesty and experiences/opinions.
Without going into too much detail as I do wish to remain as anonymous as possible obviously, I have recently found myself falling for someone other than my DP. We have had our problems in the past, DP and I, but we have two lovely little kids together and I've never really been distracted by another man since being with him (8 years). Until now. Recently, after some months of feeling unbelievably attracted to this person, I've found out he feels exactly the same. I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I have such strong feelings for this guy and have not felt this happy in years. I really want it to happen and yet I know you'll all think me stupid/selfish/naive/etc. But please tell me: Have any of you ever managed to have a brief fling/affair without it destroying your other relationship? Or know of anyone who has? Is it crazy to even think this can happen? I say brief because he is leaving the country for good at the end of the year... am I mad?

OP posts:
MabelMay · 15/07/2010 15:00

ilovemyteddy - If you had the chance to do it over again, would you definitely not embark on the affair? Or do you think it was valuable in a way in that you learned a lot from it?
Just curious.
And thanks for your considered post.

OP posts:
mumatron3000 · 15/07/2010 15:04

Message deleted

TechLovingDad · 15/07/2010 15:13

If you're having an affair, surely you aren't happily married?

ilovemyteddy · 15/07/2010 15:22

Actually MabelMay I think that Izquierda, Taghain and my experiences are all quite similar. Iz and I posted about the damage that having an affair did to us personally, and, although my DH doesn't know about my EMA our relationship, like Taghain's is better because of the work I have done on myself and on our relationship.

Yes, majority opinion is DON'T DO IT. But that opinion comes from people with a variety of reasons and life experiences that has moved them to post to you telling you not to do it. People who have been betrayed, not surprisingly, have told you not to do it. But so have many women, like myself, who have been the betrayer. The thing that is making you HAPPY is the prospect of having a quick meaningless shag, OM buggering off to another country, you lie and cheat on your DP and your DC, (and you'll repeatedly be lied TO by the OM) and you hope that you'll get away with not being discovered...and you really think that will make you happy?

I am acutely conscious of the pain that OW like me have inflicted on many of the posters on MN; but I would urge you to re-read Izquierda's post again - the pain of what it is also like when you are a cheating OW is right there.

Don't fool yourself into thinking that a 'brief fling' will sort out your relationship issues, Mabel. Don't use those issues as an excuse for a quick shag with another man. Use the time that DP is away to get things straight in your head about yourself and your relationship with DP.

mumatron3000 · 15/07/2010 15:23

Message deleted

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/07/2010 15:26

That is a myth TechLovingDad. A very dangerous one too.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/07/2010 15:31

Listen to ILoveMyTeddy. And in case it needs pointing out, the fact that your DP is soon going to be away for a while is a threat in itself. I imagine that's why you posted when you did - you have already identified the "when and the where" with OM.

ilovemyteddy · 15/07/2010 15:38

Mabel - no I would absolutely not do it again, and the opportunity HAS arisen again. Why? Because one of the things I learned was that when you are in a relationship with someone it isn't all about you - and my life at that time was all about me. And the aftermath of having the affair has shown me that I have to control my selfishness (because that's what an affair is all about - MY wants, MY needs, MY need to be happy, MY need to have what I want and not think about everyone else that is involved.) Because when you have an affair other people ARE involved - DH, DC, OMs family. Often your own friends/family get involved too if they cover for you/listen to you bleating on about how wonderful/awful it all is.

Yes I did learn a lot about myself. And I don't like most of it. Which is why I was moved to post to you.

TLD - my marriage was and is happy. It was me that was f**ked up. Took me a long time and a lot of counselling to work that out.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/07/2010 15:42

What an incredibly self-aware person you are ILT. It is so refreshing to read what you write. Very powerful too.

ilovemyteddy · 15/07/2010 15:57

Thank you WWIFN A lot of what I have learned about myself has come from reading posts like yours and from other betrayed women on MN. It's very easy when you have an undiscovered affair to ignore the potential devastation that your selfish actions could have had on other people.

I'm so aware of the relationships of many women on here that have been destroyed by women like myself, and it's hard to know how to strike a balance between telling the OP what the reality of being an adulterer is like for a lot of women without sounding 'poor me'. Mabel I hope this all helps you in some way. I know the conflicting emotions that you are going through at the moment. Yes, you do deserve to be happy. But trust me when I tell you that having an affair in your current situation will not bring you that happiness.

TDiddy · 15/07/2010 16:11

fabatforty - I like the way your posts are not judgemental but still convey your moral stance. It is an effective and admirable way of influencing; I think is is called empathy .

Mabel - whatever you do, you need to maintain control otherwise you surrender to a bloke whom you can't vouch for as a reliable partner?

MabelMay · 15/07/2010 16:12

All taken on board ilovemyteddy

WWIFN - no, my DP is away right NOW. That's not why I posted when I did. You're not all-knowing I'm afraid. I'm going to be going away myself for a week with the kids and - in addition - OM is also away, somewhere else entirely. So, no, I'm not planning on doing anything at all for the next couple of weeks. Other than have a big think.

OP posts:
TDiddy · 15/07/2010 16:20

How about turning the focus of the discussion to your relationship with DH rather than spending too much time inflating the OM. Otherwise, I am afraid that you will melt in his hands if he so much as knocks on your door .

Oblomov · 15/07/2010 18:57

WWIFN, could you please explain the myht bit , that you said to daddy tech, about people only having affairs if they are not happy. because i thought that too. and i am really struggling to get my head round how you think thta is not true.
and i honestly mean thta as a genuine question.
ILT could you please explain your views on this too. are you sure you weren't unhappy. at the time. and it is interesting that another opportunity presented itself. how did that happen ?

janajos · 15/07/2010 19:16

You know, we do all have the occasional row - especially after all those years. I do have to say though that although we have had terrible rows over issues on occasion, if either of us has said to the other ok, if that's how you feel then why are we together...., the other has always, very quickly said, because I love you and that is never in doubt. I think if that is not the case, a relationship needs careful consideration.

Good luck, an affair is probably not the answer, but no one can know your situation except you!!

abedelia · 15/07/2010 20:48

Oblomov: I can explain. First to say - OP, please disregard this, your situation is more complex.

Basically, the main relationship is happy - there are no recurring arguments, you are having plenty of time together as a couple, sex is fine, etc. and generally you are a good partnership that faces life united. But maybe there are small children in the mix and sometimes you have to wait your turn for attention, you have stress at work or something that is NOT the fault of the partner (after all you decided to have those children and if the other person ignored their needs to still focus entirely on you then that would make them a bad parent).

So - someone else comes along. You find them attractive. They make it known they find you attractive. They flatter you and make it seem like you are the centre of the universe. And because YOU are selfish and deep down consider your feelings more important than your partner or children's, you respond and it escalates.

To justify the affair you then behave badly by being snappy or distant at home. Your partner withdraws from you in shock. Then you can tell yourself there are problems so the affair is 'right' (whereas actually until the other person came along all was fine - you have CREATED the problem to justify self indulgence).

Reading Just Good Friends by Shirley Glass is a good start if you want to know more, or Google her as some of it is online. Hth.

Oblomov · 15/07/2010 21:09

Thank you abedelia. Very interesting. Agreed , we are all selfish. Why if the person is currently happy, does a, don't know what to call it, the 'stop mechanism' ?, why doesn't that kick in ?

ilovemyteddy · 15/07/2010 21:45

Oblomov I have to post and run but basically I would agree with what Abedelia said (although I don't think I created a problem to justify my self-indulgence. Will need to think more about that.)

TDiddy · 15/07/2010 21:55

teddy was your previous suffix obama ? hope you don't mind me asking?

akhems · 15/07/2010 22:45

fabatforty You are of course perfectly within your rights to think my posts absurd, I'm not sure which one you're referring to tho.

however, I would suggest that until you have been in the situation that I and many other women and men have been in, and had the talks with your partner that I have had with mine, it would be difficult for you to comprehend the range of emotions and reactions one goes through.

In our case, we had a fabulous relationship, we were incredibly close, rarely argued, did lots of activities together, we were the couple other people envied. My dp has since confirmed that to be the case, not my delusion or retrospective rosy spectacles.

Over a period of a few weeks, he began to distance himself, became moody and introspective and then said that he didnt know if he was happy, was this all there was to life, stuff like that. He found fault with things I did and said. Stuff that had never bothered him before.

At this point it never occurred to me that there could be an ow on the scene, ffs he even asked me to go to the gp with him to see if he had depression. I had no clue but there was a work colleague who was engaging his interest. He now says he was flattered by the attention, gradually got addicted to it and allowed it to escalate to the point it did. He says that he knew she wasn't a patch on me but she pushed all his right buttons and he let her.

I always thought I would react to infidelity in the way that others have described and I think littlecritter did.. kick his arse out immediately. The reality is that initially I crumpled. It did feel like a death. It was the death of the relationship I'd had for nearly 6 years. The death of a man I thought I knew inside out and back to front. The death of the future I thought I had. Also, the death of who I was. I've lost some kind of innocence, faith that people generally do the right thing. The sensation was the same as how it feels when someone you love dies, the sense of loss etc.

The guilt is killing him. He's not the same as he was, and neither am I. We're both reminded often of what happened, just looking at each other and seeing a sad expression in the other's eyes, a song on the radio from that time, even driving past certain buildings can trigger a memory.

What we're left with is like a chipped tea set - still functional but not lovely anymore.

We're currently trying to rebuild our relationship, and it is the hardest thing either one of us has ever had to do, and to be honest, I don't know if we'll make it.

I sincerely hope that you never have this experience fabatforty, and OP, I hope my story gives you pause for thought.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/07/2010 23:12

oblomov Abedelia has explained it very well, but there are all sorts of variations of it. It can also be that the marriage is happy, but one of the people within it is feeling unhappy about other aspects of life - they can be feeling old and out of potential due to hitting a ceiling at work, or they may have endured a bereavement, or they might be feeling mildly depressed.

Let's work with a male example. Along comes someone who flatters him that he is the most dazzling person in the planet. She laughs at all his lame jokes and tells him how insightful and clever he is. Plus of course, that he is sex on legs.

Now normally because the marriage is perfectly happy and he knows there is absolutely no justification for having an affair, the H very subtly (and often totally sub-consciously) starts to create one. So he starts behaving badly at home and that produces a perfectly natural (bad) reaction in his partner, who complains about his laziness, his withdrawal etc. from aspects of family life. In effect, what he is doing is trying to reduce the connection, because since he's an essentially good person, he can't bring himself to be unfaithful when things are good.

By the time he finally says "yes" to an affair, he has become totally addicted to the feelings the new love interest has given him. That is why the "stop" switch isn't pressed. Even then, his justifications can be really banal - and are often not justifications but perceived consequences, or lack of them. Things like - this is just a bit of fun, no-one need ever know, the OW is married and has a lot to lose, I'm never going to fall in love with OW, she won't be a threat to the marriage etc.

For a man in mid-life, it can also be "If not now - never" and also "I've been a good man all my life, I've never done anything risky, don't I deserve an adventure?"

People like this are rarely compartmentalisers and aren't actually very "good" at deception. They can't cope with the stress and behave erratically at home and at work. They provoke arguments with their baffled partner, because if she is nice to him, it makes the guilt worse.

Some of these people actually feel relief when the affair ends and can give up the OW/OM easily, because their addiction wasn't to him or her, but the feelings everyone gets in the first flush of a relationship. It was a fantasy all along and not based on reality at all.

Very often, the person would never have got involved with the affair partner in a normal relationship, had they been single. This person just happened to pop up at a time when they were feeling particularly low.

It can also happen in happy marriages, but have an unhappier ending if it starts with a friendship with another person, often at work. This is more slow-burning and often catches a faithful person completely unawares. Because of the closeness of working together on projects etc., the colleagues spend more time together than with their spouses.

Before they know what's happening, they are sharing confidences about their home lives, dreams and aspirations. Because they don't live together and have to put up with eachother's moods, habits or competing priorities such as DCs, they can give eachother undivided attention. Soon, they are complaining to eachother about their inattentive spouses, their lives of drudgery etc., exaggerating these for a bit of soothing sympathy. They start telling eachother that they really understand eachother in a ways their spouses don't.

By this time, because behaviour has got markedly worse at home, their spouses certainly don't understand them, but before the friendship started, everything at home had actually been fine and perfectly happy.

Unfortunately too, having created the unhappiness at home to justify an affair, some people start to believe their own press and reason that they couldn't possibly be having an affair if they were really happy and so they make terrible decisions that the affair partner must be their soul mate. They leave their spouse, only to find later on that they have lost someone far more precious than the affair partner, but by now it's too late.

Do read Not Just Friends, which talks about the boundaries that are sometimes imperceptibly crossed by people who are otherwise good, kind, moral souls.

And it is because these people are normally kind, decent, trustworthy folk who pay their taxes, perform good deeds and have been model spouses, that their trusting partners are blind-sided and cannot believe that an affair is possible, even if their instincts are telling them something is wrong.

It is one of the most dangerous myths of all that people in happy marriages don't have affairs. Or that only "bad people" are unfaithful.

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 15/07/2010 23:28

Oblomov sorry, I realise I didn't answer your earlier questions. My H had a 4 month affair 2 years ago, after 24 years of marriage. We are still very happily married, but it's been a long road to recovery. In his case, he even told the OW that our marriage was happy, but like you, she had trouble understanding how that could be so. I even saw an E mail from her to my H at the end of their relationship, saying "I know your marriage is happy and that you love WWIFN and would never leave her. I hate her."

Cross-posted with Akhems and waves!

akhems · 15/07/2010 23:29

wave back to you wwifn.. you put it all so well and said exactly what I wanted to say.. I tend to ramble too much I think

TDiddy · 16/07/2010 07:58

WWIFN - you are a legend! The length of that post

ISDP · 16/07/2010 08:24

I am sorry, I don't see the upside for you. And that's even before I get judgemental and switch on my moral compass.

Let's cast your current partner's feelings aside for a moment and look at it from a purely selfish point of view. You have no option of a "happily ever after" with the new man, because he is leaving for good. So all you have left with is the downside:

Scenario 1. You two fall in love, but he is leaving = no upside

Scenario 2. You two have a shag or two, realise it was just animal attraction and it wouldn't have worked out anyway. you go home feeling guilty for the rest of your life until you cannot stand the guilt, tell your husband in hope of forgiveness and understanding, which let me assure you, you will not get.

So, all I see is risk for no reward.

Swipe left for the next trending thread