Is it possible to have affair but stay happily married/attached? Pls be honest.

[MabelMay]

Hello All

I really need your honesty and experiences/opinions.
Without going into too much detail as I do wish to remain as anonymous as possible obviously, I have recently found myself falling for someone other than my DP. We have had our problems in the past, DP and I, but we have two lovely little kids together and I've never really been distracted by another man since being with him (8 years). Until now. Recently, after some months of feeling unbelievably attracted to this person, I've found out he feels exactly the same. I feel like I'm on the precipice of something. I have such strong feelings for this guy and have not felt this happy in years. I really want it to happen and yet I know you'll all think me stupid/selfish/naive/etc. But please tell me: Have any of you ever managed to have a brief fling/affair without it destroying your other relationship? Or know of anyone who has? Is it crazy to even think this can happen? I say brief because he is leaving the country for good at the end of the year... am I mad?

It sounds to me that your DP has many unresolved issues - maybe anger from his upbringing that results in these outbursts. Mayeb anger about his mother that he cant take out on her that he takes out on you. He sounds as though some counselling would benefit him - but of course I realise the difficulty of broaching this. None of thie is easy.

MabelMay - I was in a very similar situation to you 4 years ago, I was in an 8 year relationship and had a baby son but was involved in a heavy flirtation with another guy, I felt exactly how you do now, unbelievably attracted to him, butterflies, felt like I was falling in love and it was all exciting etc. It made me realise that I was unhappy in my relationship and that it had run its course and I ended it.

I didnt end up with the guy (although we shagged a few times ) but once I had split up with my ex I realised I was far happier single than I had ever been with him, and after a few months of happy singledom, I met my now-fiancee, we both fell head over heels in love and now have been together 3 years and have a 1 yr old DD together and couldnt be happier.

what I felt for OM when I was with my ex was nothing to what I feel for my now-dp and I now can see that the "thing" I had with him was a symptom that my relationship with my ex was over. And also this relationship is way better than the one I had with my ex.

I guess what I am saying is maybe your DP is not right for you, (and I am sorry if this upsets you but telling you he doesnt want to be with you every so often and refusing to marry you tells me he is a bit of a twat and you should run a mile IMO) and OM is definitely not right for you as he is leaving the country! but maybe you should get out of your relationship and leave yourself free to find someone you can be 100% happy with. but dont have an affair with this OM because that wil only lead to heartache.

can I ask how old you both are?

Mabel, you ask can you stay happily married and still have an affair. To be honest, you wouldn't be having an affair if you were happily married would you? And clearly it is not happy. The question is more if you can keep your marriage ticking along while having an affair.

From experience, I'd say yes so long as he doesn't find out. And there's the rub unfortunately, to make sure he doesn't find out you have to lie and deceive - which won't make you happy. Yes, you will have amazing time with OM but inevitably you will always want more, and I guess its gotta stop somewhere if you still want your marriage to continue. So does it stop before it starts? Does it stop when you feel someone is on the brink of getting hurt? Do you stop when you are found out (if not by DH then by friends)?Or do you stop when you realise you don't really want to be with someone who is happy to come between a man and his wife? Or do you stop when he moves country...but you will be constantly thinking of him and wondering 'what if'.

So I guess you can indulge and enjoy but at some point you will still be back at square one and left to decide whether your marriage is worth working at or not. Unfortunately by then you will have all sorts of doubts about your own self-worth and morals.

To answer your question, Mabel, from what I've seen in my personal experience, affairs/flings either break the other relationship completely or alter it permanently. The word "fling" suggests something light-hearted and carefree but the damage caused certainly isn't much fun.

For you own peace of mind, don't go further with the OM. You are already infatuated with this man, and will probably end up falling in love if you carry on. Then he will leave. You will be devastated and in a world of pain. Don't do it to yourself.

I should have left by now. And after this post I have to leave (until tomorrow) but in answer to your question superv1xen I am 34, my DP is 39. Our kids are 4 and 2 yo.

thanks to you and teebee - i really appreciate your thoughtful posts

I think people have judged you rather harshly as you have only posed the question.

However, it is crazy to contemplate an affair and naive to think you can do so in some contained way that will not affect your family.

Take your husband and blokey out the equation and just concentrate on the dc. My parents had affairs. I knew about ALL of them, despite them thinking I didn't. It was frightening, confusing and made me so sad and insecure. I felt differently about my mother ever since I saw her with another guy, and my feelings for her were never the same again. Think about that.

Don't even get me started on the fall out of the subsequent divorce and step familes!!!!!

As a mum to be who has serious trust issues which is down to the several affairs that my mother had when i was a child, i would strongly recommend that you do not take this route.

I am the eldest of three children, and my dad knew about her first affair. He told me, out of sheer dispair i guess. My brother and sister do not know to this day. They decided to sort things out as 'she had done it because of the problems in their relationship'. This resulted in them being ok for a short while, then the arguments resumed and eventually she had another affair and left him. Having then watched my little sister lose an incredible amount of weight and confidence, my brother dropped out of school and barely left his bedroom for three years, i took to drinking, messed up my GSCE's and survived on anti depressants for 2 years.

Before you embark on such an affair, perhaps the after effects should be considered quite carefully.

It's easy for people to judge, i am not judging, i'm saying that although this might make you feel happy for the timebeing, it will be shortlived.

The only reason I asked your age is because I wondered if you had been together since you were very young, ie teenagers. as me and my ex were and I think that sadly in a lot of cases relationships started in teenage years tend to fail in adulthood as people change so much. not always, I am sure but in most cases I think they do.

But you are only 34. You have all the time in the world to find the right guy who loves and adores you, who doesnt feel the need to put you down to feed his own ego and to make you feel "not good enough" for him. Don't waste any more of your life on this man.

Do not stay for the DC's. They will pick up on tension and unhappiness and its always better for kids to have 2 seperated, but happy parents, than 2 parents unhappily together. And remember that they are still very young, hopefully young enough to be not as affected by a split as older children would be.

and Teebee summed it up really: To be honest, you wouldn't be having an affair if you were happily married would you?

'Although this might make you feel happy for the timebeing, it will be shortlived.'

...never a true word.

Oh, Mabel, and if you find the answer, let me know, I'll be on here asking for your advice next week!

Think about this: what if you partner felt the same about somebody else? how would you feel? If the idea is painful, then please resist and don't put him through something you don't want to be put through by him. Even if he never knows.

Crushes happen, but it is important not to act on them.

It's strange in a way that the hard core on here are so fundamentalist about lifelong monogamy because if you look at the statistics, and at people around you, and read these types of boards, you can see that the monogamous lifelong married state is not necessarily a bed of roses. Lots of people are divorced, lots of people are unhappily married, still other people are most definitely not monogamous. Some get caught, some don't. It would be ridiculously naive (is that how you spell it?) to assume that all the "normal" looking couples around are all "normal".

The point is, you can do pretty much what you want, assuming it is legal, but you have to be able to deal with the consequences. In other words, if you were to "test drive" this relationship and you got caught, you would have to be prepared for whatever could ensue, and you don't know that until you have done it!

By the way, the view on here that you should always end one relationship before starting anything at all with someone else, is not one that is shared by everyone. For instance, a counsellor will not necessarily advocate that path. I have known friends who have had counselling over similar situations and the counsellor has suggesting having an affair rather than ending the marriage because what is the point of ending a marriage if the object of the fling ends up being incompatible as a long term partner?

Just my two pennies worth. Before the fundamentalist monogamy lobby start throwing stones at me, I personally would not have an affair, although I have had the opportunity and have been tempted (as no doubt many people have). The reason has got nothing at all to do with morality - I don't think monogamy is particularly desirable and in fact seems to make a lot of people unhappy.

But I am risk averse and I just couldn't be bothered with the emotional and other fall out. Also, there would be the risk that my partner could lose respect for me, and my relationship is good enough for me not to want to take that risk but if I were in a less solid relationship, then I might. The deep cool comfort of the marriage bed or the hurly burly of the chaise longe?

The other aspect of this type of situation is the drama attached to it with everyone running around in a state of moral panic. People love to "get off" on it all. That has been my observation when friends have got embroiled in this type of thing. Not just the main protagonists but everyone else who piles in with their morality agenda. So tiresome, why not just let people get on with their lives, why does everyone get in such a lather about other people's sex lives anyway?

I am interested in the subject of human relationships which is why I post here. On an individual level I couldn't care less who is sh or whether they are married or not.

However, I am always sympathetic to human dilemma, and you are clearly in one. You will find a way forward I am sure maybe with some help from a NEUTRAL third party.

good luck, mm, you're only being human, like the rest of us. I think some people have been a little severe in their posts. Not sure any of us is really cut out for monogamy but society/apathy/family faciliates this route. Easy to coast unless a 3rd party comes along at a crucial time. I have and would be tempted myself and can understand where you're coming from esp in what sounds like an unhappy marriage.

Having an affair would be the worst thing you could do, it sounds like you already have deep feelings for this other man and him going away permanently would be very hard for you emotionally.

They maybe wrong, but I can see why many posters have labelled this other man as just after one thing. He is leaving the country and knows he doesn't have to invest anything into a relationship with you, many a man's dream, fun without the emotions.

I really think you need to take a long hard look at your life and yourself and try to work out whether you are happy within your marriage or not and then decide whether to stay or leave. You need to do what is best for you and your children and, being brutally honest, having a short fling is not it.

I don't want to come across as lecturing or having a go, I just really don't think you have thought through the implications. There's nothing wrong with fancying this man, it's flattering and exciting that he is attracted to you, but just be happy with that and don't take it further. You deserve so much more than someone's temporary attention.

Good luck.

No judging, no rising to the bait about "hard core monogamy fundamentalists", just a few observations that might help...

I think it's interesting that posters are trying to persuade you that you have a justification for doing this, when you didn't think you had one yourself...

As you've learned, it's perfectly possible to become attracted to someone else if you love your DP and believe your situation to be happy. Whilst I agree with posters who have injected a reality dose, that your DP's wobbles have had the effect of keeping you in a permanent state of insecurity, it's interesting that you didn't seem to think that yourself. What did you think your justification was before you came on here then?

It's okay you know, to admit that you fancied sex with someone else and you like the feelings this has engendered. That's human.

What I take issue with is the notion that you wouldn't be thinking of doing this at all if you were happy in your relationship.

Now maybe that's true for you and this unhappiness has been subconscious and posters' observations today have allowed this to be the truth that dare not speak its name - that you're not happy really.

But it's not the case for everyone. It's perfectly possible to feel attracted to another, even if you are happy and content in your relationship. A mistake that a lot of illicit lovers make is to conclude that they wouldn't be doing this if they weren't unhappy and therefore this must spell doom to the primary relationship.

Unfortunately I fear a lot of women buy into this notion because it sounds more palatable than the earthier truth that they just quite fancy sex with someone else. That's sexist conditioning, I'm afraid. Women are capable of sexual infidelity just as much as men, but fewer women are prepared to admit they are attracted to a sexually-charged, (perceived) low-risk bit of escapist fun.

When North American therapists conducted a study of this in fact, they couldn't find a single woman who admitted to such an affair. Unfortunately, they concluded that such a woman didn't exist, whereas I suspect that the female respondents were lying.

So I wonder where you're at? I wonder whether once you saw the reaction on here, you yourself succumbed to this stereotype, when in your original post you seemed to be suggesting that a short-lived affair was all you were after?

What ever it is you are after, take a step back and consider the risks. First to your DP, who will have his choices taken away from him if you intend to lie and deceive to facilitate this affair. Even if it turns out to be a sex-only, short-lived affair with no regrets on either side before the OM departs, your DP will be expected to unwittingly engage in a sex-life that is no longer exclusive. Most of us would like a choice about that. It is unfair to deny that choice.

If you never tell him about it when it ends, many women in your situation find that they subtly start to view their partner as a victim and so his sexual appeal wanes commensurately. He won't have a clue why this is, because he is being permanently deceived.

Now you. Assess for yourself whether you are a "compartmentaliser" who can love the person you're with, when you're with them, but can manage not to let the worlds collide, in your head or in your behaviour.

Or do you think you'd be the sort who might go off sex with your DP, get irritable with all the stress of sneaking around, fall in love with the OM, start finding fault with your DP and distancing yourself from him?

And how would you feel if this were all discovered and you had to share parenting if your DP couldn't forgive? Never risk losing what you can't afford.

If you decide that it cannot be worth it, based on your own risk assessment, come back and get some advice about what this really means for you and your primary relationship.

Don't buy into all this nonsense about being carried away - make a mature adult choice based on all these factors. Take responsibility for what ever that choice is, but don't piss around with someone else's choices while you're deciding. It's unethical and it's not fair.

im in no way advocating that one should stay in an unhappy relationship - life is far too short for that, what i do think though is that if you are unhappy enough to have sex with someone other than your partner just have a bit of decency about it -

tell partner you are unhappy

leave

give yourself some space

dont lie, cheat, deceive etc

dont rub ex partners nose in it.

i dont think that is harsh advice.

Le Queen wrote this a while ago..

In particular I like the way people justify their affairs with ?We couldn?t help it, we just fell in love?. So, presumably one day you felt zero for the person, and the next day it was true love? How very speedy. Instead of admitting that actually it was a series of tiny steps, each one more exciting than the last and at any point you could have stopped, but basically you just didn?t want to, did ya?

Because hey you were feeling bored and this was the most fun you?d had in years, and it was all so thrilling, and you deserved a bit of fun. You could have told your Husband/Wife that you were feeling bored, and that you were feeling neglected. Maybe tried to work through it to a happy ending for everyone? But, nah, this way was soooooo much easier (for you) and much more fun (for you).

And so what, if you once stood up in front of family and friends and vowed to treat your Husband/Wife with respect and honour, because they were ?just words? anyway, weren?t they? And, you probably meant them at the time, but let?s face it you don?t mean them anymore now that something more glittery has come along. And the fact that?s it?s a secret just makes it all that more exciting. A bit of a thrill, and breathless giggle.

And on some level you might suspect you?re hurting other people, but hey, you?re the most important one here, right? And, you can sweep those feelings of guilt, slight though they may be, under the carpet because you don?t have any integrity and very little in the way of a conscience, after all.

I mean, we?re only talking about other people?s lives here? And children are pretty robust aren?t they? That same mouth with which you kiss your children goodnight, is the same mouth sucking the face off some bloke/woman, the same mouth spewing all the lies and all the deceit. You left your self respect on the floor alongside the new knickers you treated yourself to the first time you shagged him/her.

And a lot of people will know. They always do. And for ever after they will mark you down as someone who can?t be trusted 100%, as someone who can be deceitful, as someone lacking in integrity. And above all as someone who is inherently selfish and self serving. And every time you look in a mirror to apply that new lippy, do you admire what you see? Do you think family and friends would admire you?
But, hey you?re worth it, right?

< claps >

I've given this a lot of thought over the last few months and in my opinion there is NEVER an excuse for infidelity.

If your marriage/relationship is bad then have the backbone to either get out or sort it out.

The pain and misery cheating causes (including to the cheater) is immense. I've been bereaved, beaten and abused, and I've been cheated on and honestly, the cheating hurt more than the others.

you know what you do what makes you happy and dont be so hard on yourself we learn as we along and what you choose to do is your business, just think how would you feel if worse come to worse. im not knocking you i know how it feels when in a relationship for long and you feel so alone.

A friend of mine has been bereaved (lost her husband)

and she has been cheated on

she says the cheating was worse because when her husband died it was over, it was clean, there was no deception, she knew what role she had to play and she could start to heal from that day onwards

says a lot, I think

akhems, I remember your story under that other name

I know you are having doubts now. I wish you strength to find what it is you have to do...but don't forget you tried so very hard and if you decide to walk away, you can do it with your head held high x

i think somewhere along the lines we have all been there and we can only speak on experiance

Cheers AF. That means a lot coming from you x

I was afraid I'd upset people who'd been widowed with my last post. I'm glad you know someone who had a similar pov. Not that I'm glad they were bereaved. Aargh hope you get what I mean

I had a thread yesterday about her traumas and how I am struggling to help her

she says over and over "I wish he was dead...I could cope better with that"

I was at first, and thought "omg, she should not wish that on anyone", but as I saw her through her bereavement and now watching her go through this, I have to agree with her

I hope that doesn't offend anyone, have no wish to do that

Haven't read the thread entirely but could you just let it be a fantasy for now and just enjoy your friend as a friend. Even on MN I have heard women say that they sometimes think of other people when they are in the act with DH.