Write The Archers One Line At A Time

[PseudoBadger]

Do it like the professionals do it

Toby: I heard that that Helen woman bludgeoned him half to death with a wheel of cheese?

(this is making me so ve ve heppy)

(Vango your ability to write in the character's voices is seriously impressive!!)

PC Burns (on the phone): Em hello...is that Sir Wiggins....er, sorry....I mean Sir Bradley? It's PC Burns here from Borsetshire police. I understand that you attended an event here back in July 2014.....for Sport Relief?.....well I'm sorry to have to let you know that there's been a serious incident here involving a near fatal stabbing.....I understand that you witnessed an assault on the victim back then....carried out by the best friend of our current suspect. Would you mind popping down to the station when you're back down from the mountains?....what's that?.....Mrs Snell?.....don't worry Sir.....we'll make sure she doesn't know your here.....

Vango: thanks mrs me too

Kathy (finally turns up at BF); Hi Pat, sorry I didn't get here sooner. I've been looking for Jamie. I really haven't been much of a feiend to you lately, have I. First Tony had his accident. And where was I? And now all these months of worrying about Helen.....
. And I remember when we used to talk. Endlessly. On and on for hours in quite a whiny voice. Jamie had to sit some exams. Do you remember? I was here so often, going on and on and on about Jamie that Tony thought I'd moved in do you remember?

Mind you Tony was different back then. ....

So how are you Pat? How are coping? This must be nearly as bad as when Jamie had some exams to sit.
Oh my, is that the time. Sorry I have to go. Jamie, you know.

MrsArthur can I have a prize for including some actual Latin in Jim's part?

vango I did when I read it. It was beautifully done.

Jonathan Creek: Hmmm. This is curious. The reported turn of events is what we are meant to believe, at face value. If you just get me some cardboard, paints and glue I can mock up the ground floor of the cottage and show you what really happened. And why.

I can't believe all this is going on so I may as well be resurrected as that would be equally (not) believable.

Roy [whiny]: Honestly, I must be allowed to speak sometime, after all my best friend's sister has just stabbed her husband, my housemate saved his life and then spent half the night at the police station. I also work with Helen's ex best friend. Though it's odd, I haven't seen him for months. I wonder if I should ask one of the kitchen staff to check out the walk in fridge they have in the kitchens? If only the script writers had asked for my advice first! What with my sister having disappeared to Brum I have loads of experience in getting rid of awkward plotlines. Just like my wealth of business experience. No one asks for my advice on that any more either [wistful look]. Anyway, better do some rotas and get home to eat a pizza and watch a box set in my pants. Busy busy busy!

New scene
Bartleby trots down lane pulling trap containing Brute n Arse, Roof, Peggoi and Radio Susan:
Lynda: Scruff! Here! stay!!! Siddownnnnn Scruff! Scruff !!
Scruff: woof woof woof woof woof
Bartleby: oh nayyyyyyyyyyy
S fx snapping harness overturning trap, general disaster
Lynda : dead! They're All dead!
Scruff ( wagging) I am a good boy, I am! ( ask me what else I saw during the flood)

Marvellous Words - I just read your post in the other thread and thought 'now that is a perfect scene for MN does TA.

Elizabeth: oh poor Roy. But pizza in your pants is what happens when you get ideas above your station in Ambridge. Apart from Chris and Alice of course - but they're young and she's got time to train him in 'our' ways.

Christopher: Alice, just remind me how old our triplets are now? I'm so impressed you managed to keep driving throughout the whole pregnancy and go back to work so quickly that our Mums haven't even noticed the people carrier parked outside.

Alice: the triplets? I have no idea. But it's ok, in a few years they will start talking and let us know how old they are and what their interests are. It's what children in the village do. I didn't talk until I was about twelve I think and was raised almost entirely by Spearmint and I'm fine.

Kath: Look at moy, look at moy...

Carrie: oooh Eddie! I completely forgot! We was looking after Poppy for our Willyum when we had to dash off and look at one of those orrible one beds in Borchester! I ain't seen her since! Where is she??

Eddie: Poppy? Willyum? What are you talking about Clarrie luv? I reckons all the excitement at Bridge Farm must be making you think odd. Anyrode, nothing else matters now we're back at Grange Farm.

Clarrie: Edward! Edward! I was in your room today and doing a spot of tidying. And I found ferret toe nails clippings all over the bedside table. It's not roight. Oliver and Caroline has been very good to us. Heaven knows what they'll think.

Emma: 'Ere Ed. D'you remember what I was sayin' to you the other day about 'ow lucky we are.....well I was thinkin'.........what with all your new qualifications....and me bein' so busy now with Fallon, doin' are parties 'n stuff.....what about we use some of this extra money I'm earnin' and see if we can make Usha an offer on Blossom 'ill Cottage? I mean....I don't want to be to hasty or nuffin....but it ain't like Rob nor 'Ellen's gunna live there again.....is it? I luv you so much Ed....I really do......I'm so pleased everything's finally workin' out for us. I've never been 'appier than I am right now.

Caroline: yes of course Oliver....you're right.....Italy's been good to us but I miss the peace and quiet of Ambridge.....it'll be good to get back to the same old routine........I confess I even miss Lynda and Susan too....will be good to catch up on all the gossip!

lime preens ,

Inspector Rebus: And in Ambridge of all places. I mean, you never think of that sort of thing happening in Ambridge, do you…

Peggoi: No one is telling me anything. Why isn't To....
Christine: oh do shut up and have a scone my dear

Kirsty: Peggy...Peggy......please calm down....here.....let me get you a cup of tea....hang on.....you seem to have run out of teabags.....let me just run over the road to Blossom Hill.........I know Rob has plenty over there......

Clarrie: I know it ain't roight to say it Eddie but I 'ave to speak my mind and fer once I'm glad it ain't us causin' no trouble and that Susan won't be spreadin' any stories about Alf and the missin' Lent money while all this is goin' on