Write The Archers One Line At A Time

[PseudoBadger]

Do it like the professionals do it

Toby: I heard that that Helen woman bludgeoned him half to death with a wheel of cheese?

Johnny: I know what you mean Gran...uncle tom seemed changed when he got back from Canada.

Brenda (on phone: Hey Tom - I've just heard. Picked up a paper at the airport. Mmm, just back from St Petersburg. So, basically, all the evidence is still at the police station yes? You do know buildings sometimes burn down - if they don't have the right protection? Gotta go. I'll get back to you. Love to Pat and Tony.

Julius Caesar: where am I again, a small village in Britanniae called Ambridge? I heard that a chap here got stabbed by someone he trusted. That hurts, I can tell you. What am I doing here? Don't know really: injecting a compare&contrast and showing off another chap's literary prowess I think.
But now I'm here, I think I'll cross that river over there and take charge of the Village Hall Committee.

Pat : I know.....seems mad......but you know Helen...always very forthright when it comes to Henry....started before he was born even....she wouldn't take any advice from anyone if I remember correctly.....it's the opposite of attachment parenting apparently...something she read about on Mumsnet I believe....though I confess I've never heard of it before myself.....apparently you make sure that you're never in the same room as your child once it's at speaking age.....Helen says it's to protect him from being exposed to negative ions and any feeling of tension....seems to have worked though I think.....he's been remarkably untroubled by this awful turn of events......I'm not sure if I know anything about anything any more

Thomas Hardy: My dear old chap - is it possible you may have wandered into the wrong fantasy? This is all my territory you know. I'll find a maid to show you out.

Daphne du Maurier: Your territory? My good man ...

Phil Mitchell: Oi!

Lady Macbeth : Out damn'd SOC, out I say. It was meeeeeee..... I saw the dagger before me....the handle towards my hand....it had to end, all the listeners were complaining......

Iris Murdoch:

Chief Inspector Barnaby: Seems we've arrived to find a pretty open and shut case PC Burns......I don't think we'll be hanging around here to long....this'll be wrapped up in no time....

Dan & Doris, Grace, Laura, Mrs Antrobus, John, Nigel (ensemble, from the churchyard): They don't know do they? They can't understand. All their petty troubles ...

Usha: (on phone) yes. Really? ....never heard of that before. .....I'm not sure its advisable but what can you do but take instruction.< Laughs.> I know.

That was Helen's solicitor on the phone.

Extraordinary. Apparently Helen is going with a SOC defence. She claims she had been about to pack and sneak out of the cottage while Rob was out having let Harrison know her plans beforehand just in case there was trouble.
But some guy, Sean, was it? Said she should confront Rob instead. Said he'd send Henry to borstal if she didn't and make sure the new was allergic to dairy products, had reflux and spoke just like Grandma Ursula (something about being played by the same person wearing a set of teeth. I didn't get that bit really).
He made her do it she says.
Apparently he was in the 3rd bedroom of BHC the whole time whispering stab him gobe on stab him. Don't worry I'll see to it you get off.

I know! extraordinary isn't it! Inspector Barnaby says he doesn't believe a word of it.

Alan: now you mention it though Usha. Did David not say something about some guy called O'Connor pretending to measure up Brookfield land for a new bypass or something.
Told him if he moved up North he'd buy him a robotic milking parlour or some nonsense.
David told him it was a ridiculous idea but the guy was very insistent apparently said he'd kill David's mother in law if he didn't do it.
At the end of it all this guy just laughed and said it had all been a big joke.

Usha: funnily enough Alan, I'm sure I heard somewhere that some bloke called Sean was seen fiddling around in the bull's field at Bridge Farm...

USA: hmmm....very odd Alan....I wonder if he's got anything to do with Matt's sudden departure from the village? I seem to recall something about them not seeing eye to eye?.....ah well....have you heard from Amy at all lately?

Alan: Amy? I remember her... Wasn't she something to do with babies or something? I'm sure she's related to me somehow...

Usha : oh Alan.....you are funny.....how could anyone forget or never even mention their own daughter?.....ha ha ha....honestly....ha ha ha......

Kate: crikey mum....why didn't you remind me I had children. Honestly, I'm so tired. You and dad are just horrible. Everything's your fault.

Jennifer: oh Kate! You should take notice of how devoted Kathy is to her child. Do you know I spotted her strapping crampons on last week so that she could search the tree tops of Borsetshire for him. Now that's parenting!

(lot more than one line - sorry)

Rob - Peggy - thank you for coming to see me, you are the kindest and decent of all the family.

Peggy - Apart from you dear Rob. I'm so sorry that Helen has done this to you, after all you have done for her. Now what did you want me to do for you?

Rob - Could you sign this bit of paper I have in my pocket for me?

Peggy - Of course - what is it?

Rob - You don't need to read it It's just a legal document that needs 2 witnesses. Can you sign and date here? Nurse can be the other witness later.

Peggy signs her name.

Rob - Can you leave now Peggy I must rest, Doctor's orders.

Rob smiles to himself, it was so easy to get that old woman to sign her new will leaving everything to him.

The new Editor: Thank you! Thank you all for welcoming me. So ... A few small - adjustments. Just to freshen things up. No, no, no one's being disappeared. (Laughs) However I want to make your lives easier - all that reading lines - we can leave that to TV, no? Mime. That's the future. You mime. This lot (indicates SWs) they live tweet it. TA is going to be massive. Trust me.

Kate: who even IS Kathy mum? I don't know what you're talking about any more

Kate (really wailing now): all I want is my children...... that's all....

Brine: oh for goodness sake Kate! You're obsessed with all of this new age incense burning mumbo jumbo yoga driven love stuff. You need to learn how to play your children off against each other - it's the Aldridge way! Now I'm just off to talk to Adam about his herbal lays...

Kate (recovered): you know what mum.....you're right...... I met this really cool guy recently....at a conference.......he's really wise.....says we should all be capable of moving on.....that we shouldn't let our past define our future in any way....that anything that doesn't fit with who we think we are now should just be written out of our history.....he's soooo interesting mum.....he says the future can be anything we want it to be.....and to think big.....