Week before exchange - I don’t want to move

[shoopashoop]

Please help.
I know last minute wobbles are normal. But I feel so panicked and can’t stop crying. I can’t sleep.
We need to move and looked to ages. Moving from a 2 bed terrace to a 3 bed semi with huge garden. It is a completely new area though as prices are ridiculous here. We have visited twice in the last week and it just didn’t feel ‘right’. I’m so scared. It’s harder because we have been in touch with the vendors a lot and they are so lovely.
What do I do?

It Will get better, it’ll just take time for you. I moved twice in my life to an area I didn’t know. The first time was with children, I cried on the sofa I remember in the new house, the children do help enormously with interacting with other people. I was in a busy town, so lots of opportunities, and was there for 25 years. Ended up loving it and then later years hating the hustle and bustle.

Second move was 200 miles away into deep countryside, remote. Thank god for internet 😂 I don’t need many friends around me and I love the quietness. Walking is what one does here, so ramblers groups are great for meeting people.

You just have to go with the flow, don’t rush anything, find the enjoyable bits, it’ll take time, but I will be fine 💐

Thank you @Autumnscene I need to learn how to go with the flow. Trying to put on a brave face and not cry for the sake of the dc, and dp who is currently singing round the house

@Shoopahoop the last house we bought I shed tears about the previous house - 10 years later I shed tears about the house we had bought because I loved it - still do now - but love new much smaller house.

Moving is incredibly stressful - give it a little time and if you have bought what works on paper I am sure it will be fine. Do not panic.

I love "setting sail. " Our last house had many stairs and DS ( 5 at the time ) would shout - where are you Mummy - me - "I'm here" = he "where's here " - he got used to it pretty quickly.

If you have moved for a good reason - there is a good reason. It sounds already there is a lot which will make the house lovely for you & DCs . Once you have cooked a bit and made up the bedrooms - it will feel more like home. Just prepare yourself for wobbles and then just carry on & let us know in a while what you think

@BasiliskStare haha I love that. To be fair dd has taken it in her stride and coping much better than I am!
Thanks for your kind words though. It does help hearing them.
The reasons for moving are valid, I think what I am struggling with is we have had to completely move area as there was nothing where we were, and the ones that did we were losing out on.
But I feel so sad as I loved it there, and I keep having a ‘what the helm are we doing here’ thought. I am further from family/friends and so I feel very lonely already. I am hoping you are all right and that I grow to love it.

@shoopashoop this may or may not help as it's only my personal experience. When we bought our current house it was a second best, having lost out on what I thought was the dream. I was in denial and wanted to sell it within weeks of moving in. I settled into deep depression and crippling anxiety set in. It was terrible. OK- that's the bad bit. Now, 5/6 years later we are selling and moving on but I'm finding it really hard to do as I now love this place. It's change, not the house, that is affecting you and as time passes, those sickening feelings will too

@sleepyhoglet it does help thank you. I am prone to depression so i am kicking myself for doing something so drastic and unsettling.
How/when did things get better for you?

@shoopashoop to be honest it did take about 2 years so I know that's not great. For me it was also knowing I had lost out on another house- we got almost to exchange and documents weren't produced so we pulled out due to stress and I regretted almost immediately but it was too late. Change is terrifying. Being an adult is frightening. I try to sit and write a list of all the good things (or do it mentally) rather than dwell on what we have lost

I am wishing we pulled out but on the other hand would have been stuck and stressed in a house that was too small, and would have been wondering ‘what if’. I just feel like I’d be unhappy whatever I do.
All I know is I don’t feel like I fit in here and want to go back 😢

I really understand how you feel but I think now that you are there and committed it's time to work on being resilient and making the most of it. Don't entertain the thoughts of how bad it is, focus on what is good. Look for ways to make it work. Don't let yourself spiral down the negatives but put a smile on and loon for ways to make it better than your old place.

@MyOtherProfile I know you’re right. I do need to I have just cried all day. Feel like I am letting my dc down

In what way are you letting your DCs down.
I understand you may feel a bit rubbish for a while. I as another PP did thought about selling the new house 3 weeks in - thank goodness we did not. I would just give it time and you have the option to sell - but give it a chance - you can always sell later - just my own opinion is don't do it as a knee jerk reaction. See how the new house , neighbours , facilities , area , nursery , etc works first.

There is just a chance once the initial stress is over you will really like the house you have chosen.

I get your point about the previous house. I drove past out previous house early doors and thought Oh I wish we were back there. Some time later I thought - I would never move back there.

OP try to stop catastrophizing (I do this - so no judgement)

Just think: this is your house for now.

It doesn't have to be forever

The old area is still there.

Life turns and and unexpected things happen. You don't know where you will be in one, five or ten years - this is not permanent.

But right now, this is your home because it offers you and your family what you need.

You are sad because you have left somewhere that felt safe/familiar/warm, but you need time to create those feeling for your new home. It's like starting a new job - you know you've left the old job and taken a better one for the right reasons, but the day you leave your old job you have doubts because... you did love it. Then walking into an unfamiliar office with strange people who don't get your jokes and know how you like your tea is daunting. You can't imagine there is a potential friend among your new colleagues and all the processes are unfamiliar.
So you doubt your decision and wish you'd stayed put. Then six months later, when you've made friends, got involved in an interesting project and started to appreciate your payrise - your reasons for changing job become clear.

It will be like that with the house. You will make it a home. You will make friends. You will find favourite cafes and shops and parks. You will have friends round and slowly it will become your happy place.

But even if it doesn't ever feel as warm as your other house - that's ok. Because, it's just your home for now and it's the right home for right now.

@SlightlyJaded - what a good post

Unless you are the Earl of Grantham how many stay in one house forever. Sometimes moving for very good reasons are very good reasons for moving. Which does not mean it will feel like home on Day 1. But in many many cases it will become home. It sometimes takes a bit of time and breathing , reminding yourself why you moved and just make where you are the best you can whilst you get used to it.

Thank you both. Had a long chat with dp last night and he is very supportive. I have to look for the positives which is hard when my brain constantly wants to do the opposite. I know I need to just focus on the present rather than worry about the future, or keep looking back. I’m not very good at this.
Just feel like I am letting the kids down when this should be an exciting time, and they will look to me for reassurance. The weather and lack of sleep is not helping at the moment so I’m hoping things will look better come spring.

@shoopashoop - I moved once in January - gloomy month to move. Once the daffodils came out in the park and the weather got better and the days became longer and brighter - how much better I felt.

@BasiliskStare

@shoopashoop to you too.

It's not unusual to feel like this after a big change. What helped me was thinking through that if the worst came to the worst, we could sell up and move. This isn't necessarily for ever. We could even move back to our old street.

We moved in January and that was hard as the house seemed so dark. It wasn't really till spring and I could properly get into the garden that I started to really see the benefits.

Thank you @JustJam4Tea. This weather is really not helping at the moment. We haven’t even been able to walk to the park down the road so instead am stuck in someone else’s house with 2 young children.

@shoopashoop I stumbled on this thread in the middle of the night in the midst of my own anxiety attack about a house we’ve just had an offer accepted on. Everything you said resonated with me SO MUCH. I just wanted to give you a big hug reading this whole thread. The fear is REAL. For me I love the area where we are now and am so emotionally attached to the house we are outgrowing. This move is going to be a nightmare of fear and sleep loss and homesickness and sense of dislocation. But I’m not sure how to separate my anxiety from what’s real. I am really wondering how you are doing now more than a year after your move? I’m so sorry it was so difficult at the start. Did it get better? Are you happy now? Or does it still feel like a mistake?? I would love to know x

I would also love to hear an update. I have cancelled my removal date (from rental into a house I could afford to buy.) I am committed to completing the purchase of the new house now, but feel sick with the worry of it. I didn't expect it to affect me this way.