Week before exchange - I don’t want to move

[shoopashoop]

Please help.
I know last minute wobbles are normal. But I feel so panicked and can’t stop crying. I can’t sleep.
We need to move and looked to ages. Moving from a 2 bed terrace to a 3 bed semi with huge garden. It is a completely new area though as prices are ridiculous here. We have visited twice in the last week and it just didn’t feel ‘right’. I’m so scared. It’s harder because we have been in touch with the vendors a lot and they are so lovely.
What do I do?

Ah god I just don’t know now. I just feel so panicky.

@Wiseupkid fascinated by this, genuinely! Could you look it up on Zoopla and see whether there is a pattern of quick sales?

@shoopash for balance, when we viewed our current house we fell in love with it right away, and offered the asking price even though we could probably have got it for much less (this was during the last crash). The house we were moving from was awful, in a not-great area so we were thrilled to be moving. I STILL spent the first month in tears! I couldn't understand it at all.

@chukwe

I wouldn't advice anyone to move from a 2 bed to 3 bed as it's a waste of time and resources as the footprint of both are the same

Instead try and move to a 4 bed not a 3 bed and loft. It'll make a huge difference

What? Why are you assuming all 3 bedroom houses are a 2 bed with a loft conversion?

It may surprise you to find out that most people buy 3 bed houses because they can't afford a 4 bed.

It is normal normal normal to feel sad when moving, particularly when you have small children. God, I felt like I was leaving their childhoods behind. The places where we brought them into the world, watched them take their first steps, celebrated birthdays and milestones. It was familiar. It was home. New houses aren't home yet. They have no memories, only unfamiliarity. The passage of time and new chapters is hard for the majority but the majority will tell you, it passes. Often, it's grieving for the old place, not disliking the new place. And I maintain that it's harder given the tough two years we've all had. Try and see it objectively if you can. Try and imagine the opportunities you'll have for new memories and experiences. Often it's not a gut feeling that there's something wrong, it's normal human trepidation.

Jesus According to Zoopla it has sold twice since we purchased it, so yes that is a lot in the time frame. That means the average person is spending less than two years there......bloody hell. I can't even drive through the village anymore much less anywhere near the road. It makes me shiver.

Op, do you have anxiety normally? You said you were a worrier, but do you feel anxious easily or is this out of character for you? Do you normally have some confidence and excitement around new houses/changes or are you fairly nervous?

How did you feel when you bought your current house?

@Wiseupkid the woman who bought it from stayed 3 years 😬

I was there for 6 years due to house price crash in 2007/8

I looked at zoopla and the previous people only stayed 3 years

@ShowOfHands

It is normal normal normal to feel sad when moving, particularly when you have small children. God, I felt like I was leaving their childhoods behind. The places where we brought them into the world, watched them take their first steps, celebrated birthdays and milestones. It was familiar. It was home. New houses aren't home yet. They have no memories, only unfamiliarity. The passage of time and new chapters is hard for the majority but the majority will tell you, it passes. Often, it's grieving for the old place, not disliking the new place. And I maintain that it's harder given the tough two years we've all had. Try and see it objectively if you can. Try and imagine the opportunities you'll have for new memories and experiences. Often it's not a gut feeling that there's something wrong, it's normal human trepidation.

I agree 100% with this.

I was so sad to leave the house and area my children were babies and toddlers in. We were so happy there but we couldn’t afford to stay. We moved for the greater good of our family and it’s been fine. It was the right thing to do.

Change is hard, it’s challenging and stressful. That doesn’t mean you’re making mistakes. It sounds like a big list of pros and no real cons to me, OP.

@Wiseupkid

It sounds like it ponky I went from a carefree, happy person to someone I didn't recognise living there. It was a god awful place, but yes beautiful but the foreboding was something else. The energy was dreadful.

I often wonder who lives there now and how they feel.....glad you escaped! I would have paid double to get out of there to be honest!!!!

Anyone that has made a mistake like this, fingers burnt are likely to be more risk adverse accepted, but your gut is rock solid and should always be trusted.

but the poster said she loves the house - she just is worried about not knowing the area really .

@Wiseupkid spooky. When we next move I'm definitely going to check there's been nothing similar!

@Wiseupkid

Jesus According to Zoopla it has sold twice since we purchased it, so yes that is a lot in the time frame. That means the average person is spending less than two years there......bloody hell. I can't even drive through the village anymore much less anywhere near the road. It makes me shiver.

Op, do you have anxiety normally? You said you were a worrier, but do you feel anxious easily or is this out of character for you? Do you normally have some confidence and excitement around new houses/changes or are you fairly nervous?

How did you feel when you bought your current house?

Yes I have anxiety normally. I don’t cope with change and do get very emotionally attached to things, so I know all this at least. But it makes it harder separating what is just my anxiety talking and what isn’t. I didn’t but the house we are in. I lived in with dp, so it was never a conscious decision to live here IYSWIM. As is, this will be the first house I’ve bought! Definitely harder with the children. I am setting off in an hour and praying so much I feel differently. Currently ugly crying. But I’m so bloody tired.

Hi OP 👋 I’ve been in exactly same situation as you!

So our first house together was a beautiful period property in a gorgeous area but it was teeny weeny 1 bedroom. DD arrived, we had to move on. Only bigger properties nearby were far far out of our price range.

So we went for the 3 bed with big garden 15 miles away in an ik but not amazing area. I didn’t love it. It was a very modern property and I’ve always lived in period houses.

We decorated, and made the garden prettier, and slowly it became home. I’ll be honest with you, I will never love it the way I loved that first house. That was our beautiful honeymoon house. This is our sensible family-raising house. (One day perhaps I’ll move to a beautiful teeny weeny period cottage for us to grow old in.)

Recognise that you are mourning the fact that you want a big house with a big garden in the best area near your friends. And it just isn’t possible to have everything, unless you’re a millionaire.

I hope you go ahead with the move and I’m sure you’ll be happy there. You will probably grow to love it, particularly once you start making local memories and meet people and decorate. But if you never feel quite as in love with it as you did with your first home - that’s just part of growing up.

xxx

OP you need to move and looked for ages. You'll have the same problem if you withdraw from this house and start all over again.

It's hard when you're moving for more space rather than because you don't like the area, a real wrench.

But from what you've said your children will settle in quickly. The house sounds great. Longer daylight, spring and summer are coming so the garden will be a joy.

@chukwe

I wouldn't advice anyone to move from a 2 bed to 3 bed as it's a waste of time and resources as the footprint of both are the same

Instead try and move to a 4 bed not a 3 bed and loft. It'll make a huge difference

Nonsense. Huge difference between our tiny 2 bed and our large 3 fed family home! We are upsizing now but after 11 years.

We moved from a really nice place in a lovely area to a house in a far less salubrious area because we needed more bedrooms and it’s all we could afford.

The schools were very average and it really was the cheapest town in the area so a little rough.

Fast forward a few years, kids started school and thrived and the place started to improve. We’ve been here 19 years now, schools have improved massively and the local secondary school no one really wanted their kids to go to got ds1 to Oxford and ds2 will hopefully be headed to a top university as well. House prices have tripled, we have lovely restaurants and I’m no longer slightly embarrassed to say I live here.

Best decision we ever made but it caused me anxiety for a few years. Other people were very disparaging about the schools and it worried me.

I’m sure it will be fine for you op, it’s just scary to have so much change. Best to move before dc start school. Just give it time.

this will be the first house I’ve bought

OK. Then you need to know that this is extreme normal, and the feeling might persist even after you move in, temporarily, because moving is stressful and you feel the pressure to be excited but actually home doesn’t feel like ‘home’ yet and just when you’re in need of familiarity and comfort it feels hard to get.

But it will pass. Honestly I’ve felt like this every bloody time I’ve moved, to a greater or lesser extent. It passes. Life moves on. The new house becomes home.

Oh op, I am so sorry you are crying. Why are you crying so much? This is supposed to be a fun and happy time for you - your first house.

Do you have anyone to talk to in RL? Your parents or a sibling and ask their opinion of the house? I find when pressed you can usually get an honest answer, and it might help?

Is it just the change or is it simply too far from everything you know? If you are tired with a baby will you have support nearby in the new house?

whatever you decide, it will be okay. Sending you a hug.

I am setting off in an hour and praying so much I feel differently. Currently ugly crying. But I’m so bloody tired.

Is there any chance you can write off today? Because you are NOT going to feel better after a night awake worrying, @shoopashoop! Right now you're in a vicious cycle and I wouldn't be listening to anything your brain (or your gut) tries to tell you.

OP your message earlier was so positive, it sounded like you were really warming up to the area.

As the majority of people have said, these feelings are normal. And as you yourself have said it's likely to be your anxiety ramping things up.

Focus on the fact you've found a great house. They're hard to come by and the last thing you want is to be stuck in a house that's too small and regretting not moving.

Really rooting for you as we've all been there.

You sound like you need much more support with the decision, and someone to step in and help reassure you. You said about your family being too far away, do you think that is the issue?

Thanks all! Yes I think so @Wiseupkid. If I see them it’s me that does the leg work currently. My grandparents are elderly so that’s fair enough obviously. But I do worry about managing it all. I think partly worrying about going back to work too as I really don’t want to this time. That’s a seperate issue but is adding to my fears now. I have spoke to my parents and they are trying to be helpful. DP is very patient and understanding thankfully.
@DontKeepTheFaith that’s an amazing story!! Bloody well done to your DCs (and you!). It is definitely one of those moments you wish you had a crystal ball.
Siiigh.
Unfortunately @JesusInTheCabbageVan I do as I am viewing a school (one of our other choices) and I’ve rearranged it once already. I get what you’re saying though so I’ll try and approach it more pragmatically.

Thanks all again for your kind messages. I love this site sometimes.

@shoopashoop

I am going to drive there today. I have another school to look at which is one of our choices. It is near a park too so I am going to walk around there. I just feel sick at even the thought of not going through with it. I don’t feel like that is an option. There is other areas we could consider but there isn’t much coming on the market (I still check every day). I am worried about feeling isolated from everyone. It doesn’t help that my dd is getting upset over moving too so I am trying to be excited for her but I’m finding that really hard.

You’re right - I won’t message her. She messages quite often to say ‘we are leaving you this and that..’ but I hope I don’t hear from her today as I just need to think.

I’m EBF so not sure if it’s tiredness that is affecting my judgement.

Has anyone had these feelings of ‘this isn’t right’ when driving past their new house - but ended up loving it??

I was never keen on our current house, partly as I loved the old one, but we needed to move to the area where my children were at school. I was never keen on the house, but there were limited options for our budget. Unlike you we downsized in order to afford moving here, we got less house for double the mortgage!

I was bought up in London so I was used to a lot of noise around me, people, traffic etc. When we moved here it freaked me out as it was not as much quiet as completely silent. It took me a good 9 months until I got used to the house, but now 7 years on I absolutely love it here. We didn’t have the funds to make changes other than a coat of paints and bedroom carpets when we moved but as we gradually put our stamp on it, I’m really glad I didn’t take action on my initial doubts.

Okay, so thats better. So you are worried about managing:

Your grandparents - is this your responsibility or do you like living close to them? 17 miles is not so far, but travelling with babies is never easy.
If you want to stay close to family, which is natural and a good choice if they are helpful and supportive, can you move closer to them rather than further away? Would you feel better if you were closer?

Your work - is the new house dependent on your salary? Are you worried because you want to stay at home, and by moving house you are committed to working whether you want to or not? Does staying giving you more choices to stay at home?

Yes you will have a bigger house and garden, but at what cost?

My dd says we are ‘setting sail’ (confusing it with ‘for sale’) and that makes me smile. Trying to think of it through the eyes of a child and not anxious mess of an adult

This happened to me when selling my first house. I had a severe case of the wobbles a few weeks before the exchange. I pressed ahead and it was the best thing I did. We moved from a 2 bed to a 3 bed, in a better area. I honestly would press ahead, remember the reasons why you got the ball rolling. You didn't really want to stay there, you want to move for more space and a garden.