Week before exchange - I don’t want to move

[shoopashoop]

Please help.
I know last minute wobbles are normal. But I feel so panicked and can’t stop crying. I can’t sleep.
We need to move and looked to ages. Moving from a 2 bed terrace to a 3 bed semi with huge garden. It is a completely new area though as prices are ridiculous here. We have visited twice in the last week and it just didn’t feel ‘right’. I’m so scared. It’s harder because we have been in touch with the vendors a lot and they are so lovely.
What do I do?

I've been there and it's awful. You know you're not going to pull out of the sale and you want someone to tell you that you can but we can't do that for you. I hated my current house for the first 2 years, didn't decorate or do anything, hated coming home but I stuck it out as I didn't have any other choice. One day I woke up and it just 'clicked' and have been here 15 years now. Ultimately it's bricks and mortar and once you get there if you hate it once you've tried to make it your home then you can sell up. I'm sure it'll all be fine.

So you love the house and garden but worry about commute when you go back to work. 17 miles should take about 15-20 mins. You could get up early and try it one day, get to house you are buying at the time in morning you would need to leave and drive to work. See how long it takes you. When you first move it will be different especially if you don't know anyone there. Find out about mother and baby groups, toddler tales at library and soft play or children's playgrounds. You will meet other young Mums there. It is easy to make friends with small children. In 3 months you will look back and wonder why you were nervous.

Last time we moved it was from a village location to a suburban estate. The last day I came over before we moved it all looked really close together and horrible and I felt really downhearted.
And I don't know what was the matter with me. It's absolutely fine and I don't feel it's cramped or horrible at all!

I am worried about feeling isolated from everyone.

Who is “everyone” in this?
Do they drive- do you drive?
If not is there good public transport?

I strongly believe that the area you live in is one of the most important things. If the area doesn't bring you happiness, I'm not sure the house will.

I don’t think anyone can predict whether or not they’ll be happy somewhere before they’ve moved. It takes a while to ‘bed in’. The ‘area’ includes the people/neighbours, facilities, green spaces, and a feeling of belonging which will only come with time.

It’s absolutely normal to fear the unknown. This feeling is exacerbated by the obvious cost and logistical planning involved in moving house, and makes it a big deal, as though you can’t get it wrong or you’re going to be trapped for decades! If you really hate it, granted it would be a pita, but you can sell and move on!

My guess is that once you are in the swing of daily life in a house which, by your own admission, is much better for your family than the one you’re leaving, then you won’t look back. 17 miles isn’t too far away to maintain contacts, and your life will soon develop a new pattern to suit your needs as a family. Carpe diem, op, and good luck with the move!

I think the distance from where you are now is part of it. When you live there it won't be 17 miles away. You will adjust to living in a new place.
Having very young children can seriously mess with your emotions. I know that sounds dismissive but it's really not.

Eek I’ve got to say I was nervous about posting this as wasn’t sure I was prepared for the brutal honesty of MN, but you’ve all been so helpful!
I am sat in the park now with dd asleep in the pram. I’m comfort eating a cinnamon swirl and reading them all. Already feel better.

Especially liked the comment about what the children would get more out of - and it is definitely the house. And they wouldn’t get all that here. We are all home bodies. But even so, there is a nice park at the bottom of the road we can walk to. And lots of well known outdoor spaces in the area we can explore. The PP who said about the area warming up once you experience things with the children made me cry.
I do drive and so do my family - but they don’t visit often even now so that will be nothing new really.
Just heard from DDs nursery (attached to the school) to say they have a place and she can start on the 14th. And it is a lovely school. I know she’ll love it.

I am going to make a pros list later. Get pinteresting again. And make a list of some baby groups we can go to.

Full disclosure - I am not the most confident and a natural worrier, so also agree with the PP that said I would feel like this whatever I do!

Thanks all so much

Pull. Out. Now.

I was you four years ago, something felt amiss, not quite right. I spent weeks and months driving by - because something in my gut felt off. If only I had listened to that feeling we would not have lost so much money.

Do not go ahead with this sale. Honestly whatever you do.

You can pull out, and really think about whether you want to move. You will find another house that does not give you red flags.

You can not sleep because you are making a serious mistake.

The solicitor can deal with telling the vendors, and yes it is sad for them, but in this market they will find someone else quickly, so don't worry about them. Worry about you.

If for whatever reason your instincts are warning you not to move, then listen. That is your internal warning signal warning of danger. You ignore it at your peril. I can not bring myself to type out how we lost by buying a house I had a very similar feeling about, but wish I had listened to my gut.

Once you have exchanged you are screwed, pull out and buy yourself more time to really decide what you want from life/house/ - a big garden and a park is not a good enough reason to buy a house that feels off.

That all sounds great OP.
I think going in with your eyes open to the downside isn't a bad thing.
It doesn't make the move wrong, it's just accepted that settling in isn't instant.
Perhaps if you approach it with a view that you might not love it immediately but it will be right in the long (or even medium) term will make it easier.

I sold a flat with the most amazing views that I loved but when I see my kids playing in the garden here (and feel the dread of how hard it would have been to keep them quiet for neighbours when it sounds like they are coming through the ceiling) I know that it was right

You are scared of losing something you don't actually have. Your current property only works if life stops. If the kids don't grow. But that's not what is happening so the standing still option isn't one you have

@Wiseupkid

Pull. Out. Now.

I was you four years ago, something felt amiss, not quite right. I spent weeks and months driving by - because something in my gut felt off. If only I had listened to that feeling we would not have lost so much money.

Do not go ahead with this sale. Honestly whatever you do.

You can pull out, and really think about whether you want to move. You will find another house that does not give you red flags.

You can not sleep because you are making a serious mistake.

Based on what exactly is the OP ‘making a serious mistake’?

@Wiseupkid Many people on here have said they experienced the same and ended up loving the house so everyone is different.

I cried the day we moved into our new home, I had loved it for months but the change hit me hard and it was scary and I was worried it would all be wrong. Huge life changes like this are mentally exhausting. However, we have made it our home and we love it and would ideally not move for a very long time. It will only get more expensive to move as prices are continuing to go up and you don't want to get stuck in a 2 bed when you need a 3 (going up the housing ladder can be really tough). It doesn't have to be your home forever but if it will be best for your children for the foreseeable I would try my best to stop questioning and start just planning it.

@Wiseupkid sorry to hear that. Could I ask how you have lost money? Is it something about the house that has transpired?

We overpaid a little, but not a lot. We did the place up, it looked great, but I hated it. I absolutely hated it from the second we moved in. I felt isolated, lost and completely and utterly cut off. Yes it was just 20 miles, but it could have been a world away. I started to feel depressed even being there, and used to drive past my old house so wishing I could press rewind.
In the end, we decided to move, and ended up taking an offer on the place just to get out of there - as I could not stand it, I kept having nightmares and I had small children. It was not good. All in all includingh the cost of the renovation and selling it for less, we lost 220,000.....
I know.....and for those saying you should ride it out. I tried and I couldn't. I have to live with the fact that I KNEW on some level this was a bad move, I may not have been able to pinpoint the reason but I knew it was wrong for us. We lost the money, a huge sum, I have to live with that now and move on. I will never ignore that instinct again, and since I know listen to myself the mistakes have stopped. You must do what is right for you, and work out if this is wobbles or real deep seated reservations.

You can always find a new house in time, if this one is not right but the reasons for moving are still there, area, family and friendships are really essential for some people and far more important than house size when you have infants and small children.

I had to share my experience, because moving house is so expensive and so unsettling, it should never be taken lightly 'oh you can just move again in a few years' have they considered the moving costs are huge. Most people can not afford to flippantly move from house to house on a whim. There are baked in costs, and they could be high.

@shoopashoop I've been in both positions, moved twice and had the same feeling (I think I must be adverse to change).

The first house wasn't right for us with layout and the garden on the small side but.... we stayed there 18 months, painted a bit and made 15K which enabled us to buy our current house.

Again had a wobble but we've been here almost a year and love it (and the area). The worse that could happen is you move again, which is fine in the grand scheme of things

@Wiseupkid that sounds really hard! But different to our situation in that we won’t be renovating the property or spending huge sums on it (unless we extend). There isn’t much that needs doing to it

How long have you lived at your current house/area?

When we moved it was to a street I wasn't keen on as it had a bad rep when I was a teen. But it has changed, and I do like living here. It is walking distance to most places I want to get to as I can't drive.
I love our house, but there are things I'd love to change but can't. We couldn't afford anywhere else and got a lot of house for our money. We have been here 5 years now, and can see us being here for the next 20 at least, unless something drastic changes.

I would keep going back to the area to look around. Sounds like you are starting to see how life could be. I think as long as your neighbours are friendly it could be a happy place.

It was really hard, but it was a good lesson - an expensive lesson

From now on, I won't move unless I am 100% sure and excited, and most importantly my gut is telling me it is a good move for us. I don't take moving lightly, and take my time as a result. In my friendship group my story is far from the worst.

Why are you not more excited op?
What is it you are looking for that this house does not have?
Why are you so worried?

@Wiseupkid

We overpaid a little, but not a lot. We did the place up, it looked great, but I hated it. I absolutely hated it from the second we moved in. I felt isolated, lost and completely and utterly cut off. Yes it was just 20 miles, but it could have been a world away. I started to feel depressed even being there, and used to drive past my old house so wishing I could press rewind. In the end, we decided to move, and ended up taking an offer on the place just to get out of there - as I could not stand it, I kept having nightmares and I had small children. It was not good. All in all includingh the cost of the renovation and selling it for less, we lost 220,000..... I know.....and for those saying you should ride it out. I tried and I couldn't. I have to live with the fact that I KNEW on some level this was a bad move, I may not have been able to pinpoint the reason but I knew it was wrong for us. We lost the money, a huge sum, I have to live with that now and move on. I will never ignore that instinct again, and since I know listen to myself the mistakes have stopped. You must do what is right for you, and work out if this is wobbles or real deep seated reservations.

You can always find a new house in time, if this one is not right but the reasons for moving are still there, area, family and friendships are really essential for some people and far more important than house size when you have infants and small children.

I had to share my experience, because moving house is so expensive and so unsettling, it should never be taken lightly 'oh you can just move again in a few years' have they considered the moving costs are huge. Most people can not afford to flippantly move from house to house on a whim. There are baked in costs, and they could be high.

With respect, @Wiseupkid, you lost £220,000 not because you ignored your instincts, but because you sold again for too little money, presumably because the market didn't reflect the costs you put into the renovation, and you decided you couldn't wait for a better offer. You decided to prioritise your happiness over breaking even with the house sale.

We spent eight years living in the place I mentioned up the thread -- I knew I didn't want to buy the house at all, and I was miserable living in this place where we'd already spent a couple of years, but there were no other options to rent locally, and we both had local jobs and DS was at school, so we were pretty embedded. So I gritted my teeth, did some renovation we thought would add value, and we planned our exit. Which meant we sold the house for quite a bit more than we paid, but five years later, after living there a total of just under eight years.

This is not in the least to say that you were wrong to cut your losses and move on from your hated location far more quickly only you know precisely how bad your MH was at this point only that it was that that caused you to lose a lot of money rather than the original move.

After reading through this thread... I just looked at my old house on zoopla

I also had a bad feeling about this house, but we were desperate to move

I had a terrible time in that house, I moved as soon as financially able. It still makes my heart race and felt anxious looking at it !

Since then I've lived in 2 further properties which I liked as soon as saw them, I still own both of them.

So I'd say go with your gut... but you say you love the house? So if you love the feel of the house id say you'll be fine

I knew it was a bad move though, right from the very beginning. I would drive by constantly trying to reassure myself it was okay. It was not.

The loss would never have happened, if we had simply pulled out when we had the chance.

The house on paper was perfect for us in so many ways, a gorgeous house with everything we had wished for. Could I tell you even now what was so bad that I could not see it through in the way you have? Not really, apart from a sense of total isolation and despair that hung over the place like a cloud. I have/had great mental health - a great life - but living there made me feel really depressed and I am not kidding that I could not sleep at all, I would have reoccurring nightmares night after night and stay awake hoping for the dawn to come. The days were dark and stretched on forever and it felt bleak in a way that I can't describe.
The day we moved out was fantastic and we never looked back!! Even my dh hated it there. It was a price worth paying to leave and feel happy again.

Good on you that you could ride it out for 8 years, but honestly life is too short to be miserable. I wanted a happy life for my children and their childhood. If I were op I would press pause.

@Wiseupkid you must have bought my old house!
I felt the same
Nightmares, doom gloom, and air of dark and foreboding

It was a beautiful house, garden, nice schools, parks etc

I couldn't wait to leave! I cried the first day we moved in and realised I'd made a terrible mistake

@Wiseupkid

I knew it was a bad move though, right from the very beginning. I would drive by constantly trying to reassure myself it was okay. It was not.

The loss would never have happened, if we had simply pulled out when we had the chance.

The house on paper was perfect for us in so many ways, a gorgeous house with everything we had wished for. Could I tell you even now what was so bad that I could not see it through in the way you have? Not really, apart from a sense of total isolation and despair that hung over the place like a cloud. I have/had great mental health - a great life - but living there made me feel really depressed and I am not kidding that I could not sleep at all, I would have reoccurring nightmares night after night and stay awake hoping for the dawn to come. The days were dark and stretched on forever and it felt bleak in a way that I can't describe.
The day we moved out was fantastic and we never looked back!! Even my dh hated it there. It was a price worth paying to leave and feel happy again.

Good on you that you could ride it out for 8 years, but honestly life is too short to be miserable. I wanted a happy life for my children and their childhood. If I were op I would press pause.

I do sympathise, @Wiseupkid -- and part of me thoroughly admires the 'Fuck it all, I'm leaving!' take on things, but the fact is that my DS loved it there, and objectively it was a nice, safe place for him to grow up. He had lived there since he was a tiny baby, he had lots of local friends, went through from the local preschool to the village school.

DH was neutral about it, but was psychologically hugely involved in a challenging job that took up most of his mental space -- I was the only one that absolutely hated it, and I had to weigh that against making an expensive local-ish move and disrupting DS's happy life, moving schools, childminder etc.

It was a chocolate-box-pretty house in a prosperous chocolate-box pretty village in lovely countryside (I am a walker) -- there was nothing objectively wrong with it, except that living there was a miserable experience for me.

It sounds like it ponky I went from a carefree, happy person to someone I didn't recognise living there. It was a god awful place, but yes beautiful but the foreboding was something else. The energy was dreadful.

I often wonder who lives there now and how they feel.....glad you escaped! I would have paid double to get out of there to be honest!!!!

Anyone that has made a mistake like this, fingers burnt are likely to be more risk adverse accepted, but your gut is rock solid and should always be trusted.

It is strange how your chocolate box cottage which sounds so idyllic should bring such a miserable experience, and my situation was similar.

It was me or the house - that is how it felt. It had some capacity to ruin us in some way, I could feel it!

In your situation I would have stayed too in I didn't feel safe, I felt scared in our house and could not relax. Eight years of that was not doable, so cutting our losses was a decision we made in the end. Even dh hated the house, and he was barely there working every hour to pay for it and one day we said he said lets sell up, this just isn't working. And we did.