Week before exchange - I don’t want to move

[shoopashoop]

Please help.
I know last minute wobbles are normal. But I feel so panicked and can’t stop crying. I can’t sleep.
We need to move and looked to ages. Moving from a 2 bed terrace to a 3 bed semi with huge garden. It is a completely new area though as prices are ridiculous here. We have visited twice in the last week and it just didn’t feel ‘right’. I’m so scared. It’s harder because we have been in touch with the vendors a lot and they are so lovely.
What do I do?

Ah im so sorry you’re feeling this way OP. Have you told your partner how you feel? What does he think?

I was in a similar situation. Our offer got accepted, we’d paid the deposit, lawyers had drafted up contract, everything was in order and I pulled out at the last minute. There was nothing wrong with the house or area but something just felt off.

A year on, we’re in a completely different city and I’m loving it! Yes, we’re still renting but will look at buying again when the time is right.

My dd is due to start school on Monday. I feel like I’m stuck here

My advice is to do something really kind for yourself today.

Treat yourself to something you want / put the tv on and chill out / get out for a walk and a nice coffee. Basically whatever you fancy!

It'll take time to get to know your new area and new home.

Is there something fun that you couldn't do in your old home that you can do now? I would try and figure out what the advantages are and try to make the most of them to help you settle in. But take it easy this is a big change for you and the whole family, you don't have to love it right away, did you love your old home right away?

@RitaFires it is the first home I’ve bought, my last one was dp’s that I moved into so it was a bit different.
I’m very change-averse so this is all a lot for me.

I think I might try write down a positive of the new area each day. Last night I found a baby sensory class at our local church (3 doors up from us!) - not sure why I didn’t think to look there before.
And today I found we are 5 mins drive from a country park.
I really need sleep. I’m also worried I have PND creeping in with all the stress, and I am trying to fight it off.

It really sounds like you have so much on your plate already that the house is close to being the straw that broke the camel's back.

Don't push yourself or feel down that you don't feel at home yet, how could you feel at home when it's all new to you?

@shoopashoop go easy on yourself, you have a lot going on and moving is stressful enough.

It took me months to settle in my new area. I went for walks to find hidden bits and short cuts which helped. Also making new memories in the house helped too. It takes time.
A couple of weeks in was my worst time tbh, I walked past my old house and had that horrible pit of stomach feeling that we had made a huge mistake but with my sensible head on I know we didn't.
Then a house came up in our old area that would have been perfect - but it was 10% over budget so we would have struggled to secure it. Turn off the Rightmove alerts!

Number one thing you could do tonight is go to bed really early. The last few days are bound to have taken it out of you. Get tea nice and early, bed the kids and get in bed yourself, even if you'll be getting up later for a feed.
Stop googling bad things. There's bad to be found in every area and you'll find something and send yourself spiralling.
You soon get used to a road. It sounds like there are lots of young families if there are so many baby groups and being so near is wonderful

I just want to go back. I have been fighting off tears all day for the sake of the children. And this doesn’t make sense. I’ve come from a pokey 2 bed terraced to a beautiful house which is double the size and enormous garden. What is wrong with me .
I have to go to my old house to pick something up tomorrow and take some flowers to dds old nursery and the thought is making me want to be sick. I know it’s going to make me feel even worse.

You need to start making some new memories. Invite people round - in my experience that helps make a place feel more like home.

Hey op, I'm sorry you are suffering. You mention you feel you may have PND? Please see your GP or Health Visitor.

Sometimes depression can feel a lot like your gut telling you something is wrong or is about to go wrong.

I would say that it is more likely that you are emotionally overwhelmed, rather than you should have stayed in your old house.

Keep telling yourself everything will be ok / nothing bad is going to happen.

Don't go back to your old house - get dh to pick up the thing and pay a florist to deliver flowers.

Right now you need to practise some self-care. Do stuff that helps you feel in control and safe. Make up the beds, arrange cushions on the sofa and get sitting on it.

You'll get through this

Ahh no I was so hoping everything had gone smoothly for you, but please remember it's still early days. So many people feel crap right after moving, so try to acknowledge your feelings without being led by them.

How are you sleeping atm? Would it be possible for you to speak to your GP about something to get you over the hump, as it were? If your feelings don't change you can make a decision about what to do then, but you're not in that place yet.

As an experiment - how would you feel about the house if you were just renting it for 6 months (say) until you could move back? Would it be a nightmare you just had to get through, or would you be able to relax and enjoy the positives?

@JesusInTheCabbageVan interesting. I think probably the latter, because I know the end would be in sight

Can’t even get out of bed today. Just feel like I am failing my children. Need to pull myself together. The lovely ex owner came to pick something up and I avoided her.

[quote shoopashoop]@JesusInTheCabbageVan interesting. I think probably the latter, because I know the end would be in sight[/quote]
See, I think that's a good sign! If the house was genuinely, objectively wrong for you, even 6 months would feel like an age and just something that had to be endured.

OK, I would push that slightly. Can you agree with your DP that if you don't feel much better a year from today, you'll sit down together and come up with a plan of action? In the meantime, see your GP (because sometimes even talking things through can make a massive difference) and try to treat this as a one year trial period rather than a long term commitment.

OP I loved my first house. It was a 2 bedroom terraced. We were so incredibly happy there. Now I live in a 6 bedroom detached. I am happy but not as happy as I was in that terraced house. I had friends up and down the whole street and my first born was born when we lived thete. Now our neighbours are distant in proximity but I hardly ever see them. Only me, DH and my youngest and 1 foster child live here and I sometimes wonder when youngest son gets his own place if we should downsize. I think your first home is so special because you had to save so hard and for so long to get it. Anxiety about moving is so normal. But you can be happy in another home and more space is always good. The children will love the garden.

All my dd has wanted to do since she got here is watch TV and says she is tired. I thought she would be running around outside and that would make me think it was all worthwhile. I know it’s cold, and she’s probably picking up on my mood which is making me feel even more guilty. I don’t know what to do. DP is ignoring the fact I’m depressed and therefore I daren’t talk to him about it. I am dreading anyone texting me about the house as I will be honest and say I hate it here. Feel like such an idiot. All the things I was looking forward to doing here I don’t want to do. I just feel numb to everything

Hope you don't mind me saying but please talk to GP or Health Visitor. Moving house is very stressful and if you had doubts it will have been even more difficult.
In time the positives will outweigh the negatives but you may need a little help to see this.
Having said that I am a serial mover so will add if you feel the same in a few months look at moving back.
Our current home was supposed to be our forever home but after 18 months we are moving back to our previous area. It's only a mile or so away but we haven't settled after giving it a go. Our youngest is autistic and we have struggled with neighbours accepting his behaviours. Your mental health is important so do whatever it takes to make things good.

When we moved to this house from a tiny garden to a massive one I thought dc would love it but they just stood looking confused. They didn’t know what to do. I had to teach them how to use the garden. Obviously summer is better but you can do a scavenger hunt - find a stone and 3 sticks etc

You’ve said you struggle with change so you need to own that and accept that it’s okay and it’s going to take time to feel “at home” but trust it will come because home is where the people you love are. Try to get sleep - you can cope better with sleep. Don’t think long term, this is where you are right now and financially it makes sense but it may not be forever, and that’s fine.

Give it time. I think there is a big problem with people expecting to love a new house immediately just because some other people do. When you move, you're exhausted and stressed. If you allow yourself to make judgements at times like that they are unlikely to be good ones.

Your OH may be avoiding talking about it in case you make a statement that you won't psychologically be able to back off from and which casts your opinion of the house in stone. I have been in a similar situation and I found that, as far as possible, avoiding saying I hated the situation helped me to stop hating it. You seem to know the house is better, but can't yet feel it is. Maybe say that to anyone who asks rather than just that you hate it? You may find it's not so uncommon- plenty of us here have had it, if in different ways. And do have a chat with your GP or whoever in healthcare you trust.

February is always a difficult time of year and the garden probably looks half dead. Have you got anywhere to hang bird food - it gives you and DD something to look out the window for.

Thanks for messages, I have access to talk therapy through work so I’m going to give them a call.
Me and dp had a chat last night and also finally sorted the kitchen which made us feel loads better. Resolved that today is all about dd as she has done so well with all this (better than us). So said she can choose whatever she wants.
Agree that the weather doesn’t help! Very grim up north today

Glad you're feeling a bit better. Your messages really resonate with me. When we moved our DD was still in her old nursery for a few days and when I went to pick her up on her last day, I completely lost my shit in front of the door and started crying uncontrollably in front of staff, parents and DD. It's so hard! She loved that nursery.

Now two weeks in the new house and she really likes it (she keeps saying "new house! New house!!") ... she likes the new childminder although she hated it on the first day.

It's such a huge change. I can't imagine doing this with two young DC, no wonder you're feeling overwhelmed!!! Be kind to yourself, don't beat yourself up xx

I’m glad you’re feeling a bit better, shoopshoop. Remember that this is the absolute worst bit - the new house is not “home” yet, everything is in disarray and needs your energy and enthusiasm to make it better but you’re strung out and depleted, low on both energy and enthusiasm because of how stressful selling and buying and moving is!

Spring will come, and by then you’ll feel differently but you have to reassure yourself that this is a long game and Rome (or home!) wasn’t built in a day.

@Sandrine1982 glad it’s not just me! I had to hold back tears at nursery too.
How are you getting on now?

I am hoping I will feel brighter once the weather improves. I feel really shit today and just wish we could stay where we were, even though there was nothing. I keep feeling panicky that we are in this area for good